Let’s Talk To AJ

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 174: AJ

DBM: Hi AJ. How would you describe yourself?

AJ: Very hard working and believe in the traditional family system. Very calm and difficult to be angered.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

AJ: 9. I would have said 10 but I don’t want to get too complacent with life

DBM: 😊 I see. What do you want to talk about?

AJ: I have a lot to talk about but I’m not sure a single chat would do justice. I feel the new generation’s view about marriage is being tainted hence blocking the blessings God can bestow on them through good marriage. This I think is because of the magnification of unsuccessful unions while keeping successful ones obscure. Hence promoting lack of trust and selfishness in marriage. I just want someone to know that good marriage ls exist.

DBM: I believe good marriages do exist too. How long have you been married?

AJ: Known my wife for 14 years married for 10

DBM: Oh nice! What really is your view on marriage?

AJ: I believe in what we term traditional marriage. I believe men and women are not the same but have their own unique powers to support each other. And once they all play their God given role diligently, that’s where God releases his unimaginable blessings on them. And it will be like a miracle.

DBM: In your opinion, what is a man’s unique power – in relation to supporting his partner?

AJ: In my humble opinion, men were given testosterone (the stronger hormone if I’m right) for a reason. To fight, to provide and protect the wife. I feel a husband shouldn’t care what a woman brings to the table FINANCIALLY. Any man who sees that it’s his duty to provide for his family will never lack ideas to make provision. Such men possess the abundance mindset.

DBM: Hmmm! Can you build on the abundance mindset?

AJ: The ability to always find means to provide for the family. Industrious. Not scared of getting his hands dirty as long as it brings a kill for the woman to turn into a meal

DBM: Okay!

AJ: For example, I am in an industry where I’m sent away to work abroad a lot. So, my wife working was a no-no! Now, it would have been easy for my wife to decline staying at home and looking after our kids, but she trusted me to go and fight for both of us. And I, in turn assured her that whatever I get is registered in both of our names. And through this mutual trust, I’ve managed to progress in my career and built wealth for the both of us. I can say my stay-at-home wife is worth more than half of the career wives. All because of building mutual trust and playing our God-given roles in our union.

DBM: What is a wife’s unique power to support her partner?

AJ: The wife possess estrogen. To love and to nurture. My wonderful wife has got this magic to make our home warm and lovely. One time, our baby boy was restless and it had passed his sleep time. I had tried everything to get him to rest but couldn’t. My half-asleep wife just went give him a pack of biscuit and water. And voilà, the boy was asleep halfway into the biscuit. There are more instances at home that I was clueless and she came to the rescue. Another one is her prayers. A man supports a woman physically and a woman supports a man spiritually.

Her love: I mostly come home a broken man. And a warm hug from my wife would be all that is needed to get me patched up and ready to go again the next day. It’s frustrating to say the least, that all these are being undermined by men of today – all because it’s not linked directly with finances. But spiritually it provokes the creation of wealth.

DBM: These are interesting examples. Thanks for sharing. So, you feel a wife’s duty, to some extent is to accompany her husband to achieve his dreams so he can support her and the future of their marriage?

AJ: It was made that way. I understand there will be instances where it will probably be prudent for the man to stay at home which is fine. But the man in my opinion will not be able to do it as good as the woman; and vice versa. This is where trust comes in. Both parties will need to put themselves on the side for the betterment of the union. My wife had trust issues when we started. But I allowed her to heal by being transparent with my finances. I told her whatever little she made can be kept but I will provide for both of us and I did. Now, she supports so much that I know my kids and my home are in good hands when on the road.

Most of my colleagues whose partners declined to support at home struggles financially due to lack of progress in their career; and not really peaceful at home as well. I feel it’s better if both can play this God given role. That’s my opinion.

DBM: Very well noted!

AJ: Look at it this way Dave, most men go behind their career women to cheat with women that have time for them. Why don’t they ask what those women bring to the table? I feel men want a woman that will give them the love whenever they need it. I may be wrong though.

DBM: I am glad you have it all figured out at home. Are you cheating or have you ever cheated on your wife since you got married?

AJ: Thanks for asking this question. I’ve never and as far as I know I’ve not been cheated on. Faithfulness in marriage is the final catalyst to this blessing I’m banging on about. The moment one of us cheat in the union, it affects the trust and shakes the balance of this success. Have I ever thought of doing it, YES. But I’ve got a lot to lose if I do. I want to encourage our generation to stop wasting money on short-term pleasure that will end up blocking our long-term success.

DBM: Interesting

AJ: On second thought, I did cheat the first year as her boyfriend. This was during our dating phase. I was trying to cut ties with someone I was casually seeing. That stage taught me a lot of lessons. I lost money, trust for my then new girlfriend and nearly lost my job. I have never cheated after that and since marriage.

DBM: Good to know!

AJ: I just want to say marriage, when done to the best of our abilities, as in being selfless and transparent always, will lead to a happy life. I’ve witnessed it and I’ve experienced it. Both parties just need to make promoting trust their outmost mission and they will thank me later.

DBM: Something I’ve realized is, a lot of guys go into marriage with their lives well planned out. But then, life happens and everything is kinda, interrupted. This, suddenly takes a toll on the relationship. What is a man supposed to do when he loses that dream job or the marriage itself isn’t everything he hoped for?

AJ: Firstly, you have to have emotional intelligence before getting into marriage. Don’t go into marriage because of looks and love. Ask yourself a lot of questions that has nothing to do with ‘love’ before entering into marriage. Don’t be an idealist; be a realist. Can you believe I looked at my girlfriend’s (now my wife) mum and grandmother just to ask myself if I would still find her attractive when she ended up looking like them?

You have to convince yourself that once you go in you are in. DON’T IGNORE the slightest red flag. Now when you go in make sure you don’t quit. The difference between success and failure is quitting. Unless your life is in danger. For the road to success is never straightforward, including marriage. We’ve been through a lot as a family. We’ve lost kids and money. Third parties have come in to shake the foundation but focusing on my wife alone even has helped increase my love and lust for her. The moment you start dividing or diverting your attention, you divide or divert your feelings for each other. Which will make you feel you are not meant for each other. Just keep focusing on each other.

DBM: What’s your take on doing everything together as a married unit and one’s need for their ‘me-time’?

AJ: I feel good partners work and play together. It increases the bond and the sense of achievement of goals. Like seeing each other as your ride-or-die. However, it’s always good to allow your partner to explore the world without you as well. It conditions them to both cultivate the skill of surviving without you, and also appreciate life with you. I’d push my wife to go out with responsible friends knowing she will be having fun; and also increase my yearn for her as I realize how much I miss her when she’s away. We just have to maintain the balance.

DBM: What does a successful marriage look like to you?

AJ: Where both partners do not regret meeting each other. As long as each party is getting what they perceive as ‘happiness’ from the union. Now we should also note that life is not all about happiness. So, in our quest for happiness, we need to also exercise a sense of contentment and not to push the goal post of happiness further and further. You end up chasing your tail.

DBM: What’s your take on open-marriages?

AJ: One of my prides being with my partner as a man is having sole access to my wife’s body and her God-given powers. And I believe if that’s the case for me, so it will be with my wife. No one can serve two masters without loving one more than the other. It always shakes the foundations of trust in the marriage. It always ends in jealousy and resentment.

DBM: By the time a man or woman gets serious to the stage of signing a marriage certificate, they’re of the opinion that they know everything there is to know about each other. Can one truly know someone enough?

AJ: One can never know their partners enough; not even during the marriage. But one should make it a point to know what their partner stands for and where they want to be in life; and make sure it aligns with theirs. One should also prevent themselves from the element of shock by expecting the worst from their partners, and formulate a plan on how they would deal with that situation. That doesn’t mean being sneaky and hiding things behind each other’s back. That’s why I say, ask yourself a lot of questions before marriage. What if this happens and what if that happens! I believe it’s easy to forgive or deal with a situation when the surprise element is less. For example, I’m happy to share my properties with my wife if she wakes up one day and all of a sudden makes a U-turn on our marriage. Because I’ve played it out in my head so many times. Hope for the best and expect the worst in every situation.

DBM: In the case where one is stubborn, and the other doesn’t seem to compromise; or simply concerned about the other’s actions when there is a disagreement – to the extent that they hardly would even mention what truly upsets them, and would rather choose to run away from the thought of a fight?

AJ: It takes two committed partners to get the best out of marriage. It’s always a shame if one partner has different goals. Don’t ever stop a partner that want to leave but be the partner that wants to stay and work through your imperfections.

DBM: Participant 173, Arrow, left a question for you: ‘What is your most treasured memory?’

AJ: Sounds cheesy, but the first day I gathered the courage to propose to this cool girl now my wife, to be my girlfriend. The whole weekend and what has come of it 14 years later. We both talk about it all the time

DBM: 😊 It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

AJ: Who benefits in marriage the most…men or women?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: El Gringo