Author: David B

Dear Saul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Stella: My story began in 1996. I was writing short letters to Saul in my journal, with no intention of mailing it to him. I couldn’t hold back when I started to read his book. It was a story about his wife. She was battling cancer. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, and Saul’s book enabled me to express my thoughts and feelings without holding myself back.

The short notes were for my eyes only and it was a great way to not explain all the details of my fears to family and friends. I wasn’t also reading back what I had written because I wasn’t ready to absorb the emotional energy invested in the writing to release. I believe in closure. The version of closure that I was craving for didn’t come wrapped in a one-hour conversation. What I had to say didn’t need to be heard. Writing those letters made me sit with my own thoughts. I needed an out to simply let them go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello to you too. Lol!

Stella: Hello David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Saul is an author?

Stella: Yes.

DBM: Do you remember the first letter you wrote to him?

Stella: I have it here somewhere. I can type it

DBM: I want to read it

Stella: “Dear Saul,

It’s Thursday, June 13, 1996. And I am getting some reading done. I am reading your book. Currently on page 59, chapter four. I just felt like sending you strength and love today. I don’t know how the story is going to end but you’re so much stronger than you know.”

DBM: And you didn’t post it?

Stella: I did not.

DBM: Do you have any more letters to him?

Stella: “Dear Saul,

I am at the beach today. It’s a crowded space but the sound of the ocean waves is drowning out the noise. I am almost done diving into your amazing book. Chapter 34 now. The way you write about your wife’s courage is remarkable. She makes me want to reflect on my own husband’s strength. He inspires me. Mine is also battling cancer and he keeps fighting. He’s pushing through every day to beat this disease. Your wife is showing your readers what strength looks like. This is a scar in their lives to tell a story of a battle they will win. Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Tell me a bit about your husband

Stella: His best friend was my friend. He had been trying to get us to go on a date. One weekend, he invited me over to dinner. He cooked and I left with the first love of my life. We became friends for 50 days and he asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh wow! That was fast

Stella: We were single and mature, and not attempting to impress each other. We wanted love. We wanted marriage. We wanted family, so we went for it.

DBM: Was he the kind of man you wanted?

Stella: He looked like the kind of man I could want

DBM: Was he the kind of man you knew was best for you?

Stella: Maybe

DBM: Why maybe?

Stella: Because my head and heart couldn’t agree

DBM: Why wasn’t your head agreeing?

Stella: My late husband smoked a lot. He was an addict and could not control it. He always wanted to quit because it was affecting his emotions, moods and behavior.

DBM: What was he smoking?

Stella: Tobacco. He also drank alcohol. His father smoked and drank. His peers used tobacco. That was the life he grew up in and before he realized, he was physically dependent on the urge to use it.

DBM: How did his addiction make you feel?

Stella: I felt betrayed. His urge was sometimes hard to resist. Love came with a baggage I did not choose.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Stella: We were married for three years. He died in 1996

DBM: Oh!

Stella: Saul’s wife died in 1997.

DBM: Oh no!

Stella: I received a letter from Saul in 1998.

DBM: Huh?

Stella: Dave, my late husband lived a hundred lives before he died. He loved to read. We both did. It was our favorite hobby since we married. I believe he was the one who infected me with his reading bug – because he was always recommending books to me. Saul’s book was a recommendation from a friend. After reading it, I tore the notes I had written to him in my journal, folded them neatly and placed them in Saul’s book and totally forgot about it. Somehow, my late husband came across the book, read it and read my short notes to Saul. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone to the post office to mail it.

DBM: How did he know Saul’s address?

Stella: His mailing address was printed in the book so his readers could send him letters or feedback without going through a publisher.

DBM: Ha! What was the content of Saul’s letter?

Stella: I can type it

DBM: Please do

Stella: “Dear Stella,

Thank you for supporting my work. I appreciate you more than words can express. Your husband mailed me your letters. He asked me to express his gratitude for all that you did for him. He says you helped him grow even though he would have wished to become a better person for you. He cherished every moment with you and loved you.

My wife died a year ago and I am discovering a fan I never knew existed. What you have given to me on paper is this one liner that ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.” Today feels drenched in dreary but ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Hmmm!

Stella: We kept exchanging letters and started a conversation. We have been talking and going on dates ever since. We became close friends and later got married in 2003. We’re still together. He did not let my simple gesture of a journal note slip away. Dave, when I look at the kind of humans our children have turned out to be, I couldn’t have asked for a better father for them.

Image Credit: Karola G

Her Kinda Person

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nana Yaa: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM: Hey, Nana Yaa. How are you doing?

Nana Yaa: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How is your boyfriend?

Nana Yaa: He’s fine

DBM: The ‘girlfriend’ status is now officially claimed, no?

Nana Yaa: It has

DBM: Glad to know

Nana Yaa: I like him very much

DBM: I figured.

Nana Yaa: Thanks for hooking us up

DBM: Well, I did not hook you up. You expressed interest in him after his post, and I just connected you

Nana Yaa: He’s my taste I swear. He’s fine

DBM: I’m happy for you. What about his post got you interested?

Nana Yaa: The way he expressed himself ignited laughter. I laughed about the part he talked about his roster. At first, I thought it was a corny joke.

DBM: Really? Because I didn’t find a man who rotates ladies he’s sleeping with to be funny.

Nana Yaa: It wasn’t funny but somehow, his honesty was the real knockout move for me

DBM: I see. How far with the whole ‘sex’ conversation?

Nana Yaa: I’m not having sex with anyone who isn’t my husband.

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Nana Yaa: No

DBM: Okay!

Nana Yaa: I know that is what he’s finding difficult to understand but Dave, if a man is not ready to recognize or respect my principles and faith, then he does not want to really know me.

DBM: I agree with you

Nana Yaa: He’s promised to stay the pace

DBM: And you believe he can?

Nana Yaa: He should be able to. So far, he’s proven to be a man who keeps to his word. He hasn’t said anything to me that he hasn’t done yet. His words so far have value.

DBM: Have you kissed?

Nana Yaa: We have kissed. I like the way he kisses me. He’s always asking ‘can I kiss you?’ before making a move on me. This is the first time I am dating a man who asks for my consent before kissing me.

DBM: That’s sweet of him. Practicing boundaries with a partner and respecting theirs is confirmation of how they make you feel safe and respected.

Nana Yaa: He’s very sweet. I feel safe and comfortable with him

DBM: Have you met any of his friends?

Nana Yaa: Yes. And he’s met my best friends

DBM: What do you appreciate about him?

Nana Yaa: He doesn’t pretend

DBM: I believe that. Lol!

Nana Yaa: What you see is what you get. But most significantly, he satisfies me emotionally. I am aware of his need to be physical with me but I am not there yet. I hope that someday I would be able to satisfy him sexually.

DBM: People are different and we have different needs.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: What is most important is that you try your best to fulfill him and make him feel at peace, and someday, satisfied.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Do you trust him?

Nana Yaa: I trust him. I have seen how he has my best interest at heart

DBM: Do you believe he likes you as much?

Nana Yaa: I think so. I’ve never felt like I need to put on an act to get him interested in me. I can be myself around him. And he calls my phone four times in a day, just to check on me. What does that say about him?

DBM: He likes you for sure. When a man genuinely is that much into you, he would want to hear your voice a lot more than once. How did your first date with him go?

Nana Yaa: I didn’t want it to end. We talked, and danced. Lol!

DBM: Aha! Lol!

Nana Yaa: It’s pretty hard to resist a tall, 52-year-old lawyer who is clueless about his dance moves being mediocre.

DBM: Lol! He can’t dance?

Nana Yaa: Don’t laugh at my man. Can you dance?

DBM: No!

Nana Yaa: He can’t also dance.

DBM: Has he been clearer about exactly what he wants from you?

Nana Yaa: He wants to get married someday

DBM: To you?

Nana Yaa: Yes. He extended an invitation to me to move in with him.

DBM: Really?

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Where do you stand on cohabitation before marriage?

Nana Yaa: I declined the offer.

DBM: Why is that? Too soon?

Nana Yaa: It’s been two months since we started talking. I am enjoying getting to know him. And I need my space to be doing that efficiently. Men easily feel smothered when you’re in their business. I’ve lived with a man who loved me before until he was fed up having me around his home all the time. I want to be in a man’s home like I live there after he’s married me.

DBM: Aside that, nothing else is holding you back?

Nana Yaa: I like things the way they are with us. I don’t have to be auditioning as a live-in wife. What would be your intention as a man to ask someone to move in with you?

DBM: The only person who has ever moved in with me is my spouse. We tried that for three months, after dating for almost a year. I needed to understand what it meant to share my space and home with someone else. I hadn’t done it before. The thought of losing my closet space, my independence, my personal space etc. My spouse is a bit messy and doesn’t see the need to clean stuff up right there and then. I am the direct opposite. So, you can only imagine how things easily went south. When I lived alone, I didn’t have to consider the needs and desires of another human being before making the simplest of decision. But I had to, in our three months trial. It took a lot of consideration and discussion, but ….

Nana Yaa: Did it influence your decision to get married?

DBM: No, but it confirmed something I already knew

Nana Yaa: What?

DBM: That I was willing to take the next step in the relationship with my partner. I could spend the rest of my life with babe’s character. Being with someone you care about outweighs the sacrifice of personal freedom.

Nana Yaa: Ok

DBM: I had always wanted to ask this question: his initial post was desiring of a lady between the ages of 25 and 35. You’re 38 years old, no?

Nana Yaa: I’m a risk taker. That’s how I learn. Risks come with consequences. I can never know something is for me until I actually try to claim it. The men I thought were worth jumping for weren’t there to catch me. This guy doesn’t look like he’s worth jumping for. I may end up even with a broken limb or heart but he’s a risk I am willing to leap one more time.

Image Credit: Leonardo Moncao

Not Ready

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Evans: Dave, do you want to hear a funny story?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No!

Evans: Come on, be nice

DBM: What’s the funny story?

Evans: They are planning my wedding without my involvement, without my knowledge.

DBM: Who are the ‘they’?

Evans: My girlfriend is the chief orchestrator I think

DBM: How long have you two been in a relationship?

Evans: Almost five years

DBM: How did you find out about this plan?

Evans: First, I got a call from a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years inviting me to his wedding in October. He wants me to read a Bible passage at the ceremony. The problem with the invitation is that, he does not believe in marriage. He’s always argued that marriage is a crazy idea and did not believe it made any sense. He still stands by his assertion and doesn’t believe a relationship is any more or less binding because the people in it sign a piece of paperwork and start wearing some fake gold rings. My cousin has continuously needed an exit strategy in every relationship I know he’s been in. He has no intention of promising anyone forever because he knows he’s not going to keep his word to any one woman.

DBM: How old is your cousin?

Evans: 47

DBM: How old are you?

Evans: 40

DBM: How old is your lady?

Evans: 35

DBM: What has your cousin’s invitation got to do with someone planning your wedding?

Evans: That’s a great question. He asked for the location to my house to deliver the suit and shoes he wants me to wear to his wedding. Have you heard such a thing before? He lives in Italy and has come to Ghana to prepare for his supposed wedding. And he buys me a wrinkle free 4-Ply wool tailored fit suit by Lanificio Ermenegildo Zegna. A Havana fit suit, Dave. Do you know how much that cost? Someone who doesn’t know my measurements can order a custom-made suit to fit me perfectly. Do you know how much a Saint Laurent Le Loafer Logo-Embellished Eel Mules cost?

DBM: I don’t know what that is

Evans: They’re shoes. The shoes he brought for me to wear to ‘his wedding’.

DBM: You don’t think you’re deserving of nice things?

Evans: That’s not the issue Dave. You have to understand who my cousin is. That guy will not even lend me 10 Euro

DBM: People change

Evans: Not that nigga.

DBM: It still does not prove a conspiracy

Evans: I asked him to tell me about his wife-to-be and he smiled for about 15 minutes. Who smiles for 15 freakin’ minutes? I’m not kidding you. He did not know how to describe his own bride to me. I called my mother to ask about my cousin’s wedding and she had a rehearsed tale to tell me. It’s like, everybody is suddenly breathing on exertion around me when I talk to them about my cousin’s wedding. My girlfriend included. She’s now signed up for a gym membership. She woke up one morning and decided she wanted to start going to the gym. What dress size is she trying to fit in, if not for a wedding dress?

DBM: You’re funny

Evans: Dave, my wife’s pastor who has never called or spoken to me before started to call and text me on the phone to discuss why every relationship has issues, struggles and conflicts. He wants to help me address these issues and make sure I don’t take them into MARRIAGE. The ‘M’ word appeared out of nowhere?

DBM: Lol! He said that? Hehehe!

Evans: Dave

DBM: Lol! Him offering pre-marital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to make you get married. Nobody can impose marriage on you.

Evans: I know that but they’re trying to protect a secret.

DBM: Tell me about yourself

Evans: Not much to know. I am caring. I have a great job. I make a good living. I am thoughtful. I am generous and kind to others. I am very smart

DBM: You seem like a great catch

Evans: Until I’m not.

DBM: How so?

Evans: I am very critical of others. I can be very condescending, sharp-tongued and demeaning. I see myself to be above ordinary. I know how to verbally abuse people. I’m not all that nice. That is why I do not want to get married.

DBM: Okay, that’s toxic. Does your girlfriend know you do not want to get married?

Evans: Not specifically

DBM: Meaning?

Evans: I can’t tell her to her face because we’re deep into the relationship. And she’s been dancing around the marriage conversation for some time. I’m not proud of the way I sometimes treat or speak to her when I am angry. I don’t think marriage will change me.

DBM: We’re all finding ways to get along on a daily basis in our marriages. People take risks to marry us. Your lady, I am certain, does not know exactly where her life is headed, but she’s let herself fall into your arms anyways. None of us had everything together when we made the decision to adapt to partnered life in a marriage.

Evans: I’m a mess, Dave

DBM: Aren’t we all?

Evans: Hmmm

DBM: Do you love her?

Evans: I love her

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she someone you call your friend?

Evans: She’s my best friend

DBM: Are you financially broke?

Evans: No

DBM: Are you purpose driven?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Do you want to be with her for the rest of your life?

Evans: Only her, you mean?

DBM: Ha! Why that question?

Evans: Because she doesn’t always fill me up, so my eyes and mind wonder a lot. I’m being honest here.

DBM: I appreciate your candor

Evans: I’ve not been faithful to her in the five years. And I’m not going to be faithful in marriage

DBM: I see

Evans: Honesty is the best policy

DBM: She doesn’t know all this I’m guessing?

Evans: No

DBM: I’ve fallen in love only three times in my life. I didn’t date around much because I did not know or understand much about myself. The third human being I ever loved is the one I am married to. Was I ready for marriage? I’d say no. But was I ready enough to want to commit to my partner in marriage? Yes. I had to at a point just stop overthinking and simply make the decision to jump into it. I went into marriage carrying three hearts in my heart. Every now and then, l think of them fondly.

Evans: You still love your exes?

DBM: I like them because they were an interesting part of my past.

Evans: You’re fucking any of them?

DBM: I am not

Evans: You talk to them?

DBM: Once in a while

Evans: I’ve been with a lot of girls but I’m in love with two at the moment. And I’m fucking all two. I’ve come to realize that one woman cannot meet all of my needs.

DBM: Whatever you choose to make the focus of your attention, you will see more of that in sight. You have trained your desire to seek validation from other women because you have concluded that one woman is never going to be enough for you. That’s why other women start to find you attractive, like magic. Is it magic? Certainly not! Ladies have always been around us. You’re only seeing them now in that light because you’re looking and waiting to be found and seen by them.

Evans: It’s in every man’s DNA if you’re going to be honest with yourself.

DBM: Imagine if every guy is choosing to invest that very same energy we spread across folks – to focus on something, one thing that we really like about the partner we’re supposed to be committed to, what wouldn’t we discover and like eventually? That is the price I believe every man pays losing a part of themselves while making another human being’s life their own.

Evans: I’m not ready for marriage.

DBM: And that’s okay. You know yourself and the deep personal issues you’re grappling with. The only problem I see here is that, you’re using her to your own advantage. You are growing and having all of your needs met. She isn’t, because one of her biggest desires is to be a wife. A step you’re clearly not ready for.

Evans: It’s not that simple

DBM: Are you happy in the relationship with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she happy with you?

Evans: I should think so. I don’t know

DBM: Marriage shouldn’t always be the end goal. Sometimes, simply finding happiness together can equally be good enough. Please be honest with her.

Evans: I’ll talk to her this week about it.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Belongings

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lerato: Hello David. I hope this message finds you well. I was married to my husband for 17 years before his unforeseen death in October, 2025. He showed up in my life when I needed a good laugh with someone. Laughing together was actually what bonded us in our relationship. I was married to a man who constantly made the attempt to win my heart over again. For 17 years, he never stopped flirting with me. He did not stop surprising me with gifts and random kisses here and there. He was the first to wake up in the mornings and I would wake up to handwritten notes of appreciation and acknowledgement. I did not have to drive my car to the filling station to buy fuel because he made it a habit to fill my tank anytime he noticed it was getting low. He made my heart swoon because he thought I was special. I was a happy and grateful wife for 17 years.

Until March, 2026, when I mustered courage to go through some of his belongings. In one of the books hidden behind his shelves in his study, I came across pictures, letters, small notes and phone numbers and email addresses of a second family he had created that I had no idea of. I found pictures of him and his two other children, who were younger than my own three kids with him. There were pictures of him and his second wife’s engagement ceremony. The shock of my life that is currently shaking the entire foundation of my world. My faithful and perfect husband never breathed a single word or hint about them to me. I’ve been trying to do the math but it’s not adding up. At what point in our marriage did he find the time to go and start a second family?

David, everything I believed about my dear husband, his love for me and our marriage has now been thrown into question. And the worse part, I will never be able to confront him about my discovery. I am never going to get closure. I don’t know who to talk to about my findings.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): As sad and uncomfortable as this may sound, he’s not here for you to cuss him out or demand his accountability. You need to understand that you are not in the wrong here. You have no reason what-so-ever to feel shame about your finding. I am telling you for a fact that, men harbor secret lives more often than you women do. And that’s why for whatever strange reason – a lot more men are dying prematurely than women. He made his bed six feet under, and is resting peacefully in it. When a man intentionally lies to you, or chooses to hide a fundamental truth from you to avoid accountability or take responsibility for something, he’s always had it in whatever his love for you was packaged in – an intention to deceive you one day. Do you have access to his phone?

Lerato: No

DBM: Where is his phone?

Lerato: With my mother-in-law

DBM: Why is your husband’s phone with his mother?

Lerato: I haven’t even thought of it. My mother-in-law was here in October to December, 2025. My husband was buried in December, and my son told me in November that he had seen his father’s phone in his grandmother’s possession. In one of the many pictures hidden in the book was my mother-in-law and the children of the other woman when they were babies.

DBM: She’s been in the known. She’s known all this while and had made the decision to keep it from you too. His siblings are probably in the known too. That’s the kind of family you’re married into.

Lerato: How stupid of me. I’ve been so trusting and clueless.

DBM: That doesn’t also mean you should be cherry-picking your memories of him. He was human, with all of his complexities. Your husband was flawed but he was also tender. He’s dead, and it’s your choice to fondly remember him for who and what he meant to you – though he kinda, sucks now.

Lerato: Do I reach out to the other woman and her children?

DBM: Do you want to?

Lerato: No

DBM: Then don’t. You don’t have to accept them in your grief or adopt them as your family. Your mother-in-law will continue to take on that role since she’s been kind and welcoming to them.

Lerato: How about my kids, do I need to tell them about their half-siblings?

DBM: There is never a perfect time to disclose this kind of information to anyone. Do it when you feel the time is right. Is that time right now?

Lerato: No

DBM: Exactly! This is going to be big news for any child. It is big enough news even for you – as it’s still influencing your feelings and thought processes. So, just make sure you know exactly how you feel about all that you have discovered, and whether or not you can be as objective and neutral as possible before breaking the news to your children.

Lerato: Ok. Thank you

Image Credit: Dydx Dominic 

Same Bowl, Same Plate, Same Cup

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tamar: Mr. David, how are you doing? I recently got married. Eight months to be precise. My husband is a great guy and I am enjoying discovering the different corners of his heart that I never knew existed. I am excited about him and also about our marriage. Anytime I see him, I am happy. Anytime he holds my hand, I am happy. The fact that I also get to breathe in the same space with a man who makes it his priority to listen to me and be interested in what is on my mind, is one of the many blessings I am thankful to God for. He is the first man to ever love me this loud. My husband thinks of me and not just himself. I can go on and on about his great features.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well… Congratulations on your first eight months.

Tamar: Thank you. But there is one thing he’s been insisting we continue to do that is stressing me out. He wants us to always sit down and eat together from the same bowl or plate. Dave, we drink tea from the same cup, in turns. He takes his sip and then I take mine, till the cup is empty. We refill for round two because a cup of tea is meant for one. We share the same bread he’s eating during breakfast. Dave, before we married, I was used to eating at odd hours. I was eating when I was hungry. I can’t do that now as a married woman. I have to wait for him to be home before I eat dinner. We eat fufu from the same bowl; drink the soup from the same bowl. When I boil an egg for him, he takes the first bite before I eat my portion off the same egg. On weekdays, we eat breakfast and dinner together as always. On weekends, we do breakfast, lunch and supper from the same bowl or plate. At first, I thought it was romantic to have my husband sitting beside me just to be present in sharing a meal. Now, I am worried.

DBM: That is to the extreme, no?

Tamar: Dave, I am scared because it doesn’t make any sense to me when I think of it. And that is not all, he’s also scheduled the times we have to be having our meals at the dining table. We can’t touch our phones when it’s breakfast or dinner time. To him, these times together are the crucial moments for us to be bonding and making conversations. Some of the things he usually would want to talk about, I don’t want to talk about. I want to eat alone sometimes, and I can’t. I want to have my thoughts to myself while I chew on something, and I can’t.

DBM: What if you want to have lunch or dinner with a friend outside of the home?

Tamar: David, my husband has invited himself twice to an outing I had planned with two of my girlfriends. Yes, he shared my meal with me, from the same plate.

DBM: How about date nights, do you go out on dates with him?

Tamar: Yes. And we eat our meals together from the same plate.

DBM: I know you’ve mentioned how he treats you right and all, but what is his character generally like?

Tamar: He would be kind and loving of course, in public and be singing my glowing praise but I feel like he sometimes also plays mind games and be twisting my words when I complain about something he’s done that irritates me. He exaggerates a lot of the times and lies in-between conversations. When I challenge an argument I know he’s clearly lying about, he dances around the subject, beats about the bush or makes me feel like I’m the dumb one.

DBM: What is your inner witness telling you at this very moment?

Tamar: My intuition is telling me to be careful about him because he knows how to cover his tracks very well that I may someday, not be able to prove anything I would accuse him of. My husband would create a sickness in my name just to stay out of a work assignment he’s not interested in. Dave, he’s good to me on one hand, and a lot to handle in the other.

DBM: This, clearly is emotional abuse, in my opinion. Do you think your husband even knows he’s doing something wrong?

Tamar: My husband is the type who is always right. In his mind, he’s the leader steering our marital ship.

DBM: A man knows exactly what he does to others. Your husband is doing everything he’s doing to you on purpose.

Tamar: When we first met, I think we were four days in, he told me he had cheated on his last relationship and that was the reason why he was single. I trusted him because most guys aren’t that forthcoming with such information from their past.

DBM: Let me guess, it made you believe that no guy who is a liar would willingly volunteer such a skeleton out of his closet, no?

Tamar: Yes

DBM: Again, most men are up to no good, unfortunately. They know how to groom your mind and emotions with half-truths. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. They’re very calculating and cunning, and would sink you deep into their pretend vulnerabilities.

Tamar: But how would I have known? He told me I had such kind eyes and soft energy and aura. I felt seen.

DBM: Yeah! How old are you?

Tamar: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Tamar: 37

DBM: It’s called word salad. They know how to garnish with the right words and flavors for your attention. And before you know it, you want them to be talking to you every day. They have no boundaries when it comes to playing the field, moving from one woman target to another. You will inevitably be caught up in his drama.

Tamar: But he’s married me now

DBM: They have no boundaries. I am really hoping this marriage brings you happiness and not pain.

Tamar: You’re scaring me, Dave.

DBM: That’s not my intention.

Tamar: I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet.

DBM: Why not?

Tamar: I’m anxious about a lot of things going on, that I’m unable to put my finger on it

DBM: Find a support system that is willing to listen to you without judgement and would offer you a safe space to express your fears and emotions.

Tamar: Ok

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Explained With A Venn Diagram

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Prosper: I have an incredible story to share

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Tell me.

Prosper: This week marks my 18th cohabitation anniversary.

DBM: With your partner?

Prosper: I wouldn’t call her ‘my partner’ because we’re not shacking up in the bedroom. She was supposed to move in with me temporarily because she’s still married to her husband.

DBM: Huh?

Prosper: I’ve been living with a married woman and her daughter for 18 years.

DBM: Explain with a Venn diagram

Prosper: Hahaha. According to her, there was abuse and serial cheating and she had to make the difficult decision to leave her marriage. She had been married for nine years, thrown herself into the relationship, given birth to two kids, a boy and a girl. After the 9th year she realized how burned out she felt and did not have no more to give. She described her marriage as out of balance. So, she took her daughter one afternoon and run away.

DBM: Leaving the son behind?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she know how the boy is doing today?

Prosper: No

DBM: Wow! Who are you to her?

Prosper: Best friend. We go way back. High school mates

DBM: High school sweethearts?

Prosper: No. High school mates. No strings attached

DBM: Nothing has happened between the two of you after running to you?

Prosper: Nothing has happened

DBM: Are you a married man?

Prosper: No

DBM: Dating someone?

Prosper: No

DBM: Do you like this friend staying with you?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she like you as much?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Have you kissed?

Prosper: I wish. No

DBM: Define your friendship

Prosper: I love her. I am in love with her and this secret lives in my head as I’ve never expressed it to her or anyone else. I know she admires me too.

DBM: You admire her in the romantic sense?

Prosper: Yes. She brightens my day. But I have been curious about something

DBM: What?

Prosper: Why would a married woman just pack her bags and leave her whole life behind for 18 years and not look back?

DBM: We know the man or woman we marry. We do not know the person we separate from or divorce later on in the marriage.

Prosper: But why would she separate her own children in that manner?

DBM: Have you asked her?

Prosper: No

DBM: I’m guessing she asked herself whether or not she would be proud of her daughter if she were to find herself in a marriage like hers.

Prosper: I have a warm and lasting relationship with her daughter. She calls me father. I am in my step-father role. She comes to me for advice and is always thankful because I have been there for her and her mother all these years. I’ve been providing their needed security, love, conversation, friendship, hopefulness, trust, and anything they need to survive. It’s my little unconventional family I’ve built.

DBM: I don’t know what or how to feel about this. It’s kind of, tricky

Prosper: I feel the same way. What if she packs her things one day and just leaves?

DBM: You think about that?

Prosper: Every day

DBM: They’ve done 18 years with you. You are definitely bringing something valuable to the table.

Prosper: Dave, do you think this is going to have a happy ending?

DBM: Having feelings for another man’s wife is normal. Acting on those feelings is what I honestly do not know how to speak on. What you’ve described to be feeling for her seems to go beyond the bedroom. This kind of loving and intimate friendship is rare.

Prosper: I would have married her if she wasn’t married

DBM: I believe you. She has to do something about her marital status, if she’s that much into you too. Because at the moment, her marriage is still in your way.

Prosper: What would you have done?

DBM: I would have asked her to return to her husband and make a decision to leave him legally. It’s been 18 years. Believe me, her husband did not sit in waiting. This is how you know a married woman or man loves you and has every intention of being available and coming for you: by being willing to try to break free from whatever is holding her back – for your sake.

Prosper: Hmmm. When she first moved in with me, she said before that her husband would make divorce as difficult as possible if she ever tried to leave. He thinks it would wreck him financially. Staying with him was also causing her a lot of suffering.

DBM: Her family of orientation, do they know where she is?

Prosper: They don’t know where she lives, but she visits her parents and siblings with her daughter twice a year. They know she’s doing fine.

DBM: How are you getting laid since she’s not given you an official invitation?

Prosper: I find sex elsewhere. My sex drive is insane but it’s just sex. My house mate is my soul mate. She’s the woman of my dreams and the lady with whom I know we can build an expected life and have a family. She’s been the one person I have experienced true love, true romance and emotional intimacy, minus sex with. We meet our needs for conversation.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Rescuing Little Me

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Trudie: When I was 15 years old, one of my teachers told me he was in love with me. I was returning books he had given me to study and it was my first time being touched inappropriately in a sexual way. I was clothed when it first happened. There were times he would volunteer to teach me at his home and would engage in all sorts of sexual activities in front of me. He’s forced me to watch him masturbate twice before. He would watch pornography while I solved past questions in his living room. My parents trusted him and I thought I could too, because he was nice to me. We were in the same church together. I couldn’t talk about what he had exposed me to, to my parents because I thought and was convinced it was normal. I didn’t also think my parents would believe me if I told them. Also, I started to develop affection for him. I was not into him but I was pretty sure even at that young age that he was into me or fond of me. I cared about him and didn’t want to get him into trouble.

I started to avoid him after the weekend I believe he slipped something in my drink and had penetrative sex with me without my consent. I had never had sexual intercourse or penetrative vaginal sex with anyone before that incident. And because of my suspicions, I avoided spending time alone with him.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM) How old was he?

Trudie: He was in his 30’s I think. I do not have proof of my accusation but I believe he forced himself on me before I woke up from my nap. My pantie was soiled and had been shifted. There were blood stains. Also, I saw two drops of semen on my thigh. My teacher was sleeping in another chair opposite mine, with a towel within easy reach. That towel wasn’t in sight when I arrived. Dave, I’d only drank the coke he offered me. So, I was shocked and really confused.

DBM: Was that day the first time he had offered you a drink at his house?

Trudie: No

DBM: How often had you fallen asleep during one of your visits to him?

Trudie: I can remember only four or five occasions. I was every so often very tired and couldn’t follow through with the extra tuition after drinking the coca cola. Why would a grown man have sex with a girl in her sleep?

DBM: How old are you now?

Trudie: 34

DBM: I wouldn’t classify what you believe he did to you as sex. That was rape.

Trudie: Do you think I might have consented in my sleep?

DBM: Agreeing to take part in sex is a choice one makes. Were you in that sane capacity to agree to, or make the choice to be intimate with your teacher?

Trudie: No

DBM: Exactly! You were unconscious and asleep. And a sleeping woman doesn’t pose a threat to a male coward. An absent woman is easy to prey on. Let me re-imagine your incident in this other scenario: you woke up from a deep sleep only to find a stranger going through your personal belongings. How would that make you feel or react? Replace that picture of your personal things with your actual body being touched and intruded into without your knowledge.

Trudie: He raped me

DBM: And it wasn’t your fault. You did not do anything to deserve this.

Trudie: I recently met him and his family at an event and he has a 15-year-old daughter. I was suddenly affected by what he did to me because I had never raised that discussion with him. Since I met him and his family, I have been angry at myself for staying quiet. Can I report him to the police or draw his wife and daughter’s attention to what he did to me?

Image Credit: Danily UK

Embrace Instead Of Fear

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edna: I’ve ruined my kids’ lives Dave. I feel like I have failed my children.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your children?

Edna: 13 and 8

DBM: What is making you come to such a conclusion?

Edna: I’ve made some really bad choices that are reflecting on my children

DBM: What kind of choices?

Edna: Marriage. These feelings of failure I have is a struggle, Dave.

DBM: That you’re married?

Edna: No. Their father and I divorced and I am beginning to think the divorce has become the gasoline that is making the fire explode in our children.

DBM: How so?

Edna: Their unhinged behavior since the divorce. One is always sad and withdrawn, while the boy is either angry or confused all the time. I don’t know how to fix it, Dave

DBM: You can’t fix it, unfortunately. I am sorry about how events are suddenly unfolding in your life.

Edna: It’s a challenge for me

DBM: I can only imagine but you know it’s okay to sometimes feel worried, no? It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry sometimes. You can teach your children how to normalize some of these difficult feelings – since you feel them yourself too. You know how to not let it control you. Teach your children the ‘how’ and let them come to the realization that, these uncomfortable feelings come and go.

Edna: Ok

DBM: I think GOD designed marriage to help us grow in another way or form. That growth, sometimes come about or happens outside of the marriage itself. Divorce is a form of change in our relationships that we ought to learn as a people to embrace instead of fearing it. You’re a single mother now, and that is not a bad thing. Your past experience in marriage is now challenging you to grow yourself into a different kind of woman, and mother that you could not have anticipated. I do not count such a phase in someone’s life as failure.

Edna: But this is not what I dreamed for my family.

DBM: Often, we feel like marriage is an either/or scenario.

Edna: Is it not?

DBM: If you had continued to stay married to the father of your children, would it have helped you to live the life you want?

Edna: I don’t know

DBM: Okay, tell me something you know for a fact: would you have grown out of your spousal identity if you had stayed married to him?

Edna: Yes

DBM: That would have been failure in my opinion. Staying in a marriage that sucks the very life and peace of mind out of you.

Edna: Hmmm

DBM: Why did you divorce?

Edna: There was too much emotional and verbal abuse. Then he cheated and I cheated back. It’s a whole lot Dave, and it was very depressing for me.

DBM: You made a bold choice to end depression. That is not failure. You made a choice to end suffering. Abuse in any way or form is not a healthy thing.

Edna: Right

DBM: Is your ex-husband a good father to his children?

Edna: He’s not perfect but he’s a good father.

DBM: What makes him a good father?

Edna: He’s very nurturing and supportive. He’s consistently been present for them. When he shows up, his focus is only on his children and they love that. I know he looks forward to their future and would move heaven and earth until things are better for them.

DBM: The best gift a father or mother can give to their children is themselves.

Edna: I do the best I can for my children. He does his best for them too. He’s just not a great man for me to love

DBM: And that’s okay. We all want our children to become good men and women. This will only happen if we model that for them ourselves. You have a daughter?

Edna: I do

DBM: Would you want for her to someday, pick the right guy to date and marry?

Edna: Of course,

DBM: Your next relationship and choice of a man is the opportunity to show her what the right guy and relationship look like in real time. You claim your ex-husband is a good father. A good father, regardless of a difficult divorce, treats the mother of his children with respect. That is the tone of kindness and reverence a decent man would set for how his children would view and treat their mother. Through kind words, perception and behavior.

Edna: I can’t say much about that

DBM: Do you speak well of him in his absence to your children?

Edna: I do.

DBM: Good!

Edna: It’s the disappointment in myself I struggle to deal with

DBM: Divorce is a stressful experience. I have friends going through it; I have friends who have gone through it. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy for them or their children. It’s an upheaval to a child’s idea of home, their normal, everyday routines and most importantly, their understanding of what a family structure should look like. It would raise a ton of strong feelings in any child. But as I said earlier, divorce, I believe is a form of change for you the mother or father to model to your children that it is probable to come through tough situations and still feel stronger as a result.

Image Credit: Planet E Elevene

 

Selective Amnesia

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyson: My wife and I moved into our new neighborhood barely ten months ago and we are still settling in and slowly making new friends. Dave, a month and a half ago, I returned from work to something seriously bizarre. My neighbor’s daughter was in my living room with my wife, waiting for me. The moment I entered, she stood up, mentioned my name, and then in the presence of my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very shocked because I do not know this young girl.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Just like that?

Tyson: Just like that

DBM: I don’t believe you. You know her, one way or the other.

Tyson: This is where you sometimes get it wrong Dave. You’re quick to judge a man unfairly. What man do man? I swear on my mother’s life. I do not know this girl. I have not spoken to her before. I have not touched her before.

DBM: How old is she?

Tyson: She’s a teenager

DBM: Early or late teens?

Tyson: 16 or 17 I believe

DBM: What do you mean by you don’t know her? You’ve seen her before, no? She’s the neighbor’s daughter.

Tyson: I don’t know her. I have never spoken to her before. It’s her father and mother I usually greet on my way out.

DBM: That’s strange

Tyson: And scary

DBM: What was your initial reaction when you were greeted with this information?

Tyson: I laughed at first because she wasn’t making any sense to me. I reacted instead of responding. But when I realized she was dead serious on pinning her pregnancy on me, I was stunned, and terrified all at once. I do not know this girl from anywhere. Secondly, I play away matches only. I’m not that stupid to be playing matches from home.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tyson: 3 years

DBM: How old are you?

Tyson: 42

DBM: What was your wife’s response?

Tyson: She was as confused as I was

DBM: When you make reference to ‘playing away matches’, does it mean you cheat on your wife?

Tyson: Sometimes

DBM: How has this changed things between you and your wife?

Tyson: My wife doesn’t know whom to believe and I am really not ready for this kind of event. At first, I thought she was lying about being pregnant but a test was done and she is pregnant. Her parents believe her story and are expecting me to take responsibility. That pregnancy isn’t mine.

DBM: What do you think she’s trying to achieve by falsely accusing you of something you claim you did not do?

Tyson: I claim I did not do? Really, Dave. Smh.

DBM: Men like you, I know how you think. You know how to conveniently forget specific events or your own hurtful actions while remembering almost everything else. You are experts in gaslighting your wives when they catch you in an act. You can manage to someway; somehow rewrite a situation you created for your wife to doubt her own reality of what she knows and believe you did.

Tyson: You’re wrong about me. I do not understand what she’s up to but she’s playing on my nerves. I’ve demanded for a DNA test.

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with anyone outside of your marriage?

Tyson: More than two months ago

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: An old flame

DBM: Prior to that, when last did you have sex with someone different?

Tyson: 3 months ago.

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: A girl I met at a party

DBM: What’s her name?

Tyson: I don’t remember

DBM: Why don’t you remember?

Tyson: Because she was a complete stranger. One thing led to another and …

DBM: And?

Tyson: We had sex

DBM: How was it?

Tyson: The sex?

DBM: Yes

Tyson: It wasn’t mind blowing. I don’t think I remember the details of it

DBM: Why not?

Tyson: Drank too much vodka soda

DBM: Was it protected sex?

Tyson: Always

DBM: What did the girl look like?

Tyson: How would I know?

DBM: Was she tall, short, slender, dark in complexion, etc.?

Tyson: Shit

DBM: What?

Image Credit: Ekam Juneja

Going Once, Going Twice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Magnus: Many years ago, I was a happy single man. The grass was always greener on my other side. If I needed someone to cuddle with on a rainy evening, I knew someone to call. There were nights on weekdays and weekends that I spent alone. It wasn’t always fun and I made the most of what it was then. All I had were little moments in time and I could do anything with those moments. I didn’t feel bad about being single or being alone. It didn’t really matter to me. So far as I didn’t have to settle for all of the wrong encounters I came into contact with, I was willing to wait for the right woman to come along. My mother once told me her biggest regret in life was to have settled in her marriage to my father just for the sake of being with a man. She thought that decision was far better than having no one in her life at all. But it wasn’t because she knew she had lowered her standards and was with the wrong man. My mother was alone even though she had a husband.

At 38, I was still single and looking forward to meaningful relationships in my future. I went on dates and got to know different people. I was invited to my wife’s 32nd birthday party in 1997 by one of her closest friends. Dave, I used to love the energy a good party could throw in the air because there was always that likelihood of finding someone attractive to talk to or make out with later on. I didn’t know anything about my wife. I got to the venue and there were five other guys plus the three ladies in attendance. The three ladies were the best friends of my wife and each had invited two of their closest, single male friends as their plus twos. Which was weird to me in the beginning but was delightfully surprised when I ended up forming a connection with the birthday girl.

Her best friends left no stone unturned to make her feel extra special that day. They all held cardboards with my wife’s best qualities and flaws boldly written on them. They read what they had to share about her to us the guys and then gave us the opportunity to ask questions. Mind you, the person being celebrated or in this case, auctioned to us was nowhere present at her own birthday venue. There were no pictures of her around, nothing. We were just being sold an illusion and expected to bid on it. I had a crush on the qualities they shared about my wife. I could see potential though I did not have any expectations of pursuing a relationship with her. And then, it was time to decide. Who liked what they heard, I did. I raised my hand to express interest. Everybody clapped and cheered me on before we were treated to a fine dinner with her close friends, followed by a good movie, which happened to be my wife’s favorite movie. It was not an extravagant party. A few hours later, party was done and we had to go home. I went home without meeting what I had bid on.

The following morning was a Monday. I was having a rough day, so when I walked into the office, I was very off my game, despite my efforts to appear motivated. Guess who had stopped by my work without letting me know in advance? My wife’s friend. What are you doing here…? I was about to ask before I realized she wasn’t alone. She was tall, slender, with a beautiful smile. Package had arrived and it was pleasing in my sight. My mouth did not go dry. My air supply did not cut off abruptly. Nothing expanded in my chest. I could take my eyes off her for a minute and not lose her beauty. My heartbeat was normal and I was still satisfied. That is how I met my wife. We got married in 1999, and she’s given me chance after chance every day to step in her little world to show her what she had been missing. Dave, till today, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind though I wake up next to her every morning. My wife has made the difficulties life has to offer easier to tolerate. And, she’s made our good times even more nourishing.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s a very beautiful story.

Magnus: It’s the best story I have ever talked about in my life.

DBM: What were some of the qualities shared by her friends at the party?

Magnus: They told us about the base of their friendship, which was respect. They talked about the love she had for all of them which was key for me. I believe a woman with love in her heart for someone is also kind. They talked about the fact that she was quiet naturally, but could also hold a conversation, an intelligent conversation. She was a good listener and could explain what was on her mind, and could make space for other people’s feelings. Those were the first insights I gathered and needed to recognize about her attributes, because they aligned with what I was looking for in a wife.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Magnus: I love the fact that she likes and trusts herself. She knows her value and doesn’t need affirmation from me or anyone for that matter. I love the fact that she follows through on her every word, deed and action. I married a competent woman. She’s very independent, has a full life of her own, a great career, and doesn’t need me to survive. She’s capable and adequate, and can achieve what others believe to be impossible.

DBM: You have children?

Magnus: No. I have low sperm count in my semen. That was the difficulty my wife and I were having getting pregnant.

DBM: How is she taking it?

Magnus: She used to ask herself whether she could be happily married without children. Her concerns always came with layers of fear, and a little bit of hope here and there. She had her own expectations and sometimes, guilt. But she assured me when she came to the realization that she may never become a mother to her own child, that happiness in our marriage wouldn’t depend on whether we have children or not. She was going to base and bet her happiness in our marriage on just the two of us. She has not allowed her family, friends or society to define our family structure. Though it’s been just the two of us in the marriage, she’s not found us to be incomplete because we do not have children. My wife has protected my dignity and our marriage from the outside noise. She’s stood strong for me even when I do not understand. The love we thrive on is deep and is lasting.

DBM: 1999 to 2026 is a big deal of marriage experience. What do you believe is working for the good of the marriage?

Magnus: I think me being the man that I am is what has dictated the climate of our marriage. I am passionate about my wife and our marriage and I make sacrifices for my wife. I am not selfish. I am not foolish. I do not cheat on my wife or entertain the thought of it because I have made the decision to only desire more of her. I am avidly pursuing her in the marriage. Likewise, I have less pride and can humble myself before her. I take very good care of my wife and have made her life comfortable even though she makes her own money. I welcome accountability and can easily say ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’. When something awful or awesome happens, she always has me by her side to empathize or rejoice with her.

Image Credit: 2 Mephoto

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems