Author: David B

Same Bowl, Same Plate, Same Cup

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Tamar: Mr. David, how are you doing? I recently got married. Eight months to be precise. My husband is a great guy and I am enjoying discovering the different corners of his heart that I never knew existed. I am excited about him and also about our marriage. Anytime I see him, I am happy. Anytime he holds my hand, I am happy. The fact that I also get to breathe in the same space with a man who makes it his priority to listen to me and be interested in what is on my mind, is one of the many blessings I am thankful to God for. He is the first man to ever love me this loud. My husband thinks of me and not just himself. I can go on and on about his great features.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well… Congratulations on your first eight months.

Tamar: Thank you. But there is one thing he’s been insisting we continue to do that is stressing me out. He wants us to always sit down and eat together from the same bowl or plate. Dave, we drink tea from the same cup, in turns. He takes his sip and then I take mine, till the cup is empty. We refill for round two because a cup of tea is meant for one. We share the same bread he’s eating during breakfast. Dave, before we married, I was used to eating at odd hours. I was eating when I was hungry. I can’t do that now as a married woman. I have to wait for him to be home before I eat dinner. We eat fufu from the same bowl; drink the soup from the same bowl. When I boil an egg for him, he takes the first bite before I eat my portion off the same egg. On weekdays, we eat breakfast and dinner together as always. On weekends, we do breakfast, lunch and supper from the same bowl or plate. At first, I thought it was romantic to have my husband sitting beside me just to be present in sharing a meal. Now, I am worried.

DBM: That is to the extreme, no?

Tamar: Dave, I am scared because it doesn’t make any sense to me when I think of it. And that is not all, he’s also scheduled the times we have to be having our meals at the dining table. We can’t touch our phones when it’s breakfast or dinner time. To him, these times together are the crucial moments for us to be bonding and making conversations. Some of the things he usually would want to talk about, I don’t want to talk about. I want to eat alone sometimes, and I can’t. I want to have my thoughts to myself while I chew on something, and I can’t.

DBM: What if you want to have lunch or dinner with a friend outside of the home?

Tamar: David, my husband has invited himself twice to an outing I had planned with two of my girlfriends. Yes, he shared my meal with me, from the same plate.

DBM: How about date nights, do you go out on dates with him?

Tamar: Yes. And we eat our meals together from the same plate.

DBM: I know you’ve mentioned how he treats you right and all, but what is his character generally like?

Tamar: He would be kind and loving of course, in public and be singing my glowing praise but I feel like he sometimes also plays mind games and be twisting my words when I complain about something he’s done that irritates me. He exaggerates a lot of the times and lies in-between conversations. When I challenge an argument I know he’s clearly lying about, he dances around the subject, beats about the bush or makes me feel like I’m the dumb one.

DBM: What is your inner witness telling you at this very moment?

Tamar: My intuition is telling me to be careful about him because he knows how to cover his tracks very well that I may someday, not be able to prove anything I would accuse him of. My husband would create a sickness in my name just to stay out of a work assignment he’s not interested in. Dave, he’s good to me on one hand, and a lot to handle in the other.

DBM: This, clearly is emotional abuse, in my opinion. Do you think your husband even knows he’s doing something wrong?

Tamar: My husband is the type who is always right. In his mind, he’s the leader steering our marital ship.

DBM: A man knows exactly what he does to others. Your husband is doing everything he’s doing to you on purpose.

Tamar: When we first met, I think we were four days in, he told me he had cheated on his last relationship and that was the reason why he was single. I trusted him because most guys aren’t that forthcoming with such information from their past.

DBM: Let me guess, it made you believe that no guy who is a liar would willingly volunteer such a skeleton out of his closet, no?

Tamar: Yes

DBM: Again, most men are up to no good, unfortunately. They know how to groom your mind and emotions with half-truths. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. They’re very calculating and cunning, and would sink you deep into their pretend vulnerabilities.

Tamar: But how would I have known? He told me I had such kind eyes and soft energy and aura. I felt seen.

DBM: Yeah! How old are you?

Tamar: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Tamar: 37

DBM: It’s called word salad. They know how to garnish with the right words and flavors for your attention. And before you know it, you want them to be talking to you every day. They have no boundaries when it comes to playing the field, moving from one woman target to another. You will inevitably be caught up in his drama.

Tamar: But he’s married me now

DBM: They have no boundaries. I am really hoping this marriage brings you happiness and not pain.

Tamar: You’re scaring me, Dave.

DBM: That’s not my intention.

Tamar: I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet.

DBM: Why not?

Tamar: I’m anxious about a lot of things going on, that I’m unable to put my finger on it

DBM: Find a support system that is willing to listen to you without judgement and would offer you a safe space to express your fears and emotions.

Tamar: Ok

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Explained With A Venn Diagram

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Prosper: I have an incredible story to share

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Tell me.

Prosper: This week marks my 18th cohabitation anniversary.

DBM: With your partner?

Prosper: I wouldn’t call her ‘my partner’ because we’re not shacking up in the bedroom. She was supposed to move in with me temporarily because she’s still married to her husband.

DBM: Huh?

Prosper: I’ve been living with a married woman and her daughter for 18 years.

DBM: Explain with a Venn diagram

Prosper: Hahaha. According to her, there was abuse and serial cheating and she had to make the difficult decision to leave her marriage. She had been married for nine years, thrown herself into the relationship, given birth to two kids, a boy and a girl. After the 9th year she realized how burned out she felt and did not have no more to give. She described her marriage as out of balance. So, she took her daughter one afternoon and run away.

DBM: Leaving the son behind?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she know how the boy is doing today?

Prosper: No

DBM: Wow! Who are you to her?

Prosper: Best friend. We go way back. High school mates

DBM: High school sweethearts?

Prosper: No. High school mates. No strings attached

DBM: Nothing has happened between the two of you after running to you?

Prosper: Nothing has happened

DBM: Are you a married man?

Prosper: No

DBM: Dating someone?

Prosper: No

DBM: Do you like this friend staying with you?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she like you as much?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Have you kissed?

Prosper: I wish. No

DBM: Define your friendship

Prosper: I love her. I am in love with her and this secret lives in my head as I’ve never expressed it to her or anyone else. I know she admires me too.

DBM: You admire her in the romantic sense?

Prosper: Yes. She brightens my day. But I have been curious about something

DBM: What?

Prosper: Why would a married woman just pack her bags and leave her whole life behind for 18 years and not look back?

DBM: We know the man or woman we marry. We do not know the person we separate from or divorce later on in the marriage.

Prosper: But why would she separate her own children in that manner?

DBM: Have you asked her?

Prosper: No

DBM: I’m guessing she asked herself whether or not she would be proud of her daughter if she were to find herself in a marriage like hers.

Prosper: I have a warm and lasting relationship with her daughter. She calls me father. I am in my step-father role. She comes to me for advice and is always thankful because I have been there for her and her mother all these years. I’ve been providing their needed security, love, conversation, friendship, hopefulness, trust, and anything they need to survive. It’s my little unconventional family I’ve built.

DBM: I don’t know what or how to feel about this. It’s kind of, tricky

Prosper: I feel the same way. What if she packs her things one day and just leaves?

DBM: You think about that?

Prosper: Every day

DBM: They’ve done 18 years with you. You are definitely bringing something valuable to the table.

Prosper: Dave, do you think this is going to have a happy ending?

DBM: Having feelings for another man’s wife is normal. Acting on those feelings is what I honestly do not know how to speak on. What you’ve described to be feeling for her seems to go beyond the bedroom. This kind of loving and intimate friendship is rare.

Prosper: I would have married her if she wasn’t married

DBM: I believe you. She has to do something about her marital status, if she’s that much into you too. Because at the moment, her marriage is still in your way.

Prosper: What would you have done?

DBM: I would have asked her to return to her husband and make a decision to leave him legally. It’s been 18 years. Believe me, her husband did not sit in waiting. This is how you know a married woman or man loves you and has every intention of being available and coming for you: by being willing to try to break free from whatever is holding her back – for your sake.

Prosper: Hmmm. When she first moved in with me, she said before that her husband would make divorce as difficult as possible if she ever tried to leave. He thinks it would wreck him financially. Staying with him was also causing her a lot of suffering.

DBM: Her family of orientation, do they know where she is?

Prosper: They don’t know where she lives, but she visits her parents and siblings with her daughter twice a year. They know she’s doing fine.

DBM: How are you getting laid since she’s not given you an official invitation?

Prosper: I find sex elsewhere. My sex drive is insane but it’s just sex. My house mate is my soul mate. She’s the woman of my dreams and the lady with whom I know we can build an expected life and have a family. She’s been the one person I have experienced true love, true romance and emotional intimacy, minus sex with. We meet our needs for conversation.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Rescuing Little Me

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Trudie: When I was 15 years old, one of my teachers told me he was in love with me. I was returning books he had given me to study and it was my first time being touched inappropriately in a sexual way. I was clothed when it first happened. There were times he would volunteer to teach me at his home and would engage in all sorts of sexual activities in front of me. He’s forced me to watch him masturbate twice before. He would watch pornography while I solved past questions in his living room. My parents trusted him and I thought I could too, because he was nice to me. We were in the same church together. I couldn’t talk about what he had exposed me to, to my parents because I thought and was convinced it was normal. I didn’t also think my parents would believe me if I told them. Also, I started to develop affection for him. I was not into him but I was pretty sure even at that young age that he was into me or fond of me. I cared about him and didn’t want to get him into trouble.

I started to avoid him after the weekend I believe he slipped something in my drink and had penetrative sex with me without my consent. I had never had sexual intercourse or penetrative vaginal sex with anyone before that incident. And because of my suspicions, I avoided spending time alone with him.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM) How old was he?

Trudie: He was in his 30’s I think. I do not have proof of my accusation but I believe he forced himself on me before I woke up from my nap. My pantie was soiled and had been shifted. There were blood stains. Also, I saw two drops of semen on my thigh. My teacher was sleeping in another chair opposite mine, with a towel within easy reach. That towel wasn’t in sight when I arrived. Dave, I’d only drank the coke he offered me. So, I was shocked and really confused.

DBM: Was that day the first time he had offered you a drink at his house?

Trudie: No

DBM: How often had you fallen asleep during one of your visits to him?

Trudie: I can remember only four or five occasions. I was every so often very tired and couldn’t follow through with the extra tuition after drinking the coca cola. Why would a grown man have sex with a girl in her sleep?

DBM: How old are you now?

Trudie: 34

DBM: I wouldn’t classify what you believe he did to you as sex. That was rape.

Trudie: Do you think I might have consented in my sleep?

DBM: Agreeing to take part in sex is a choice one makes. Were you in that sane capacity to agree to, or make the choice to be intimate with your teacher?

Trudie: No

DBM: Exactly! You were unconscious and asleep. And a sleeping woman doesn’t pose a threat to a male coward. An absent woman is easy to prey on. Let me re-imagine your incident in this other scenario: you woke up from a deep sleep only to find a stranger going through your personal belongings. How would that make you feel or react? Replace that picture of your personal things with your actual body being touched and intruded into without your knowledge.

Trudie: He raped me

DBM: And it wasn’t your fault. You did not do anything to deserve this.

Trudie: I recently met him and his family at an event and he has a 15-year-old daughter. I was suddenly affected by what he did to me because I had never raised that discussion with him. Since I met him and his family, I have been angry at myself for staying quiet. Can I report him to the police or draw his wife and daughter’s attention to what he did to me?

Image Credit: Danily UK

Embrace Instead Of Fear

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Edna: I’ve ruined my kids’ lives Dave. I feel like I have failed my children.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your children?

Edna: 13 and 8

DBM: What is making you come to such a conclusion?

Edna: I’ve made some really bad choices that are reflecting on my children

DBM: What kind of choices?

Edna: Marriage. These feelings of failure I have is a struggle, Dave.

DBM: That you’re married?

Edna: No. Their father and I divorced and I am beginning to think the divorce has become the gasoline that is making the fire explode in our children.

DBM: How so?

Edna: Their unhinged behavior since the divorce. One is always sad and withdrawn, while the boy is either angry or confused all the time. I don’t know how to fix it, Dave

DBM: You can’t fix it, unfortunately. I am sorry about how events are suddenly unfolding in your life.

Edna: It’s a challenge for me

DBM: I can only imagine but you know it’s okay to sometimes feel worried, no? It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry sometimes. You can teach your children how to normalize some of these difficult feelings – since you feel them yourself too. You know how to not let it control you. Teach your children the ‘how’ and let them come to the realization that, these uncomfortable feelings come and go.

Edna: Ok

DBM: I think GOD designed marriage to help us grow in another way or form. That growth, sometimes come about or happens outside of the marriage itself. Divorce is a form of change in our relationships that we ought to learn as a people to embrace instead of fearing it. You’re a single mother now, and that is not a bad thing. Your past experience in marriage is now challenging you to grow yourself into a different kind of woman, and mother that you could not have anticipated. I do not count such a phase in someone’s life as failure.

Edna: But this is not what I dreamed for my family.

DBM: Often, we feel like marriage is an either/or scenario.

Edna: Is it not?

DBM: If you had continued to stay married to the father of your children, would it have helped you to live the life you want?

Edna: I don’t know

DBM: Okay, tell me something you know for a fact: would you have grown out of your spousal identity if you had stayed married to him?

Edna: Yes

DBM: That would have been failure in my opinion. Staying in a marriage that sucks the very life and peace of mind out of you.

Edna: Hmmm

DBM: Why did you divorce?

Edna: There was too much emotional and verbal abuse. Then he cheated and I cheated back. It’s a whole lot Dave, and it was very depressing for me.

DBM: You made a bold choice to end depression. That is not failure. You made a choice to end suffering. Abuse in any way or form is not a healthy thing.

Edna: Right

DBM: Is your ex-husband a good father to his children?

Edna: He’s not perfect but he’s a good father.

DBM: What makes him a good father?

Edna: He’s very nurturing and supportive. He’s consistently been present for them. When he shows up, his focus is only on his children and they love that. I know he looks forward to their future and would move heaven and earth until things are better for them.

DBM: The best gift a father or mother can give to their children is themselves.

Edna: I do the best I can for my children. He does his best for them too. He’s just not a great man for me to love

DBM: And that’s okay. We all want our children to become good men and women. This will only happen if we model that for them ourselves. You have a daughter?

Edna: I do

DBM: Would you want for her to someday, pick the right guy to date and marry?

Edna: Of course,

DBM: Your next relationship and choice of a man is the opportunity to show her what the right guy and relationship look like in real time. You claim your ex-husband is a good father. A good father, regardless of a difficult divorce, treats the mother of his children with respect. That is the tone of kindness and reverence a decent man would set for how his children would view and treat their mother. Through kind words, perception and behavior.

Edna: I can’t say much about that

DBM: Do you speak well of him in his absence to your children?

Edna: I do.

DBM: Good!

Edna: It’s the disappointment in myself I struggle to deal with

DBM: Divorce is a stressful experience. I have friends going through it; I have friends who have gone through it. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy for them or their children. It’s an upheaval to a child’s idea of home, their normal, everyday routines and most importantly, their understanding of what a family structure should look like. It would raise a ton of strong feelings in any child. But as I said earlier, divorce, I believe is a form of change for you the mother or father to model to your children that it is probable to come through tough situations and still feel stronger as a result.

Image Credit: Planet E Elevene

 

Selective Amnesia

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Tyson: My wife and I moved into our new neighborhood barely ten months ago and we are still settling in and slowly making new friends. Dave, a month and a half ago, I returned from work to something seriously bizarre. My neighbor’s daughter was in my living room with my wife, waiting for me. The moment I entered, she stood up, mentioned my name, and then in the presence of my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very shocked because I do not know this young girl.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Just like that?

Tyson: Just like that

DBM: I don’t believe you. You know her, one way or the other.

Tyson: This is where you sometimes get it wrong Dave. You’re quick to judge a man unfairly. What man do man? I swear on my mother’s life. I do not know this girl. I have not spoken to her before. I have not touched her before.

DBM: How old is she?

Tyson: She’s a teenager

DBM: Early or late teens?

Tyson: 16 or 17 I believe

DBM: What do you mean by you don’t know her? You’ve seen her before, no? She’s the neighbor’s daughter.

Tyson: I don’t know her. I have never spoken to her before. It’s her father and mother I usually greet on my way out.

DBM: That’s strange

Tyson: And scary

DBM: What was your initial reaction when you were greeted with this information?

Tyson: I laughed at first because she wasn’t making any sense to me. I reacted instead of responding. But when I realized she was dead serious on pinning her pregnancy on me, I was stunned, and terrified all at once. I do not know this girl from anywhere. Secondly, I play away matches only. I’m not that stupid to be playing matches from home.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tyson: 3 years

DBM: How old are you?

Tyson: 42

DBM: What was your wife’s response?

Tyson: She was as confused as I was

DBM: When you make reference to ‘playing away matches’, does it mean you cheat on your wife?

Tyson: Sometimes

DBM: How has this changed things between you and your wife?

Tyson: My wife doesn’t know whom to believe and I am really not ready for this kind of event. At first, I thought she was lying about being pregnant but a test was done and she is pregnant. Her parents believe her story and are expecting me to take responsibility. That pregnancy isn’t mine.

DBM: What do you think she’s trying to achieve by falsely accusing you of something you claim you did not do?

Tyson: I claim I did not do? Really, Dave. Smh.

DBM: Men like you, I know how you think. You know how to conveniently forget specific events or your own hurtful actions while remembering almost everything else. You are experts in gaslighting your wives when they catch you in an act. You can manage to someway; somehow rewrite a situation you created for your wife to doubt her own reality of what she knows and believe you did.

Tyson: You’re wrong about me. I do not understand what she’s up to but she’s playing on my nerves. I’ve demanded for a DNA test.

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with anyone outside of your marriage?

Tyson: More than two months ago

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: An old flame

DBM: Prior to that, when last did you have sex with someone different?

Tyson: 3 months ago.

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: A girl I met at a party

DBM: What’s her name?

Tyson: I don’t remember

DBM: Why don’t you remember?

Tyson: Because she was a complete stranger. One thing led to another and …

DBM: And?

Tyson: We had sex

DBM: How was it?

Tyson: The sex?

DBM: Yes

Tyson: It wasn’t mind blowing. I don’t think I remember the details of it

DBM: Why not?

Tyson: Drank too much vodka soda

DBM: Was it protected sex?

Tyson: Always

DBM: What did the girl look like?

Tyson: How would I know?

DBM: Was she tall, short, slender, dark in complexion, etc.?

Tyson: Shit

DBM: What?

Image Credit: Ekam Juneja

Going Once, Going Twice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Magnus: Many years ago, I was a happy single man. The grass was always greener on my other side. If I needed someone to cuddle with on a rainy evening, I knew someone to call. There were nights on weekdays and weekends that I spent alone. It wasn’t always fun and I made the most of what it was then. All I had were little moments in time and I could do anything with those moments. I didn’t feel bad about being single or being alone. It didn’t really matter to me. So far as I didn’t have to settle for all of the wrong encounters I came into contact with, I was willing to wait for the right woman to come along. My mother once told me her biggest regret in life was to have settled in her marriage to my father just for the sake of being with a man. She thought that decision was far better than having no one in her life at all. But it wasn’t because she knew she had lowered her standards and was with the wrong man. My mother was alone even though she had a husband.

At 38, I was still single and looking forward to meaningful relationships in my future. I went on dates and got to know different people. I was invited to my wife’s 32nd birthday party in 1997 by one of her closest friends. Dave, I used to love the energy a good party could throw in the air because there was always that likelihood of finding someone attractive to talk to or make out with later on. I didn’t know anything about my wife. I got to the venue and there were five other guys plus the three ladies in attendance. The three ladies were the best friends of my wife and each had invited two of their closest, single male friends as their plus twos. Which was weird to me in the beginning but was delightfully surprised when I ended up forming a connection with the birthday girl.

Her best friends left no stone unturned to make her feel extra special that day. They all held cardboards with my wife’s best qualities and flaws boldly written on them. They read what they had to share about her to us the guys and then gave us the opportunity to ask questions. Mind you, the person being celebrated or in this case, auctioned to us was nowhere present at her own birthday venue. There were no pictures of her around, nothing. We were just being sold an illusion and expected to bid on it. I had a crush on the qualities they shared about my wife. I could see potential though I did not have any expectations of pursuing a relationship with her. And then, it was time to decide. Who liked what they heard, I did. I raised my hand to express interest. Everybody clapped and cheered me on before we were treated to a fine dinner with her close friends, followed by a good movie, which happened to be my wife’s favorite movie. It was not an extravagant party. A few hours later, party was done and we had to go home. I went home without meeting what I had bid on.

The following morning was a Monday. I was having a rough day, so when I walked into the office, I was very off my game, despite my efforts to appear motivated. Guess who had stopped by my work without letting me know in advance? My wife’s friend. What are you doing here…? I was about to ask before I realized she wasn’t alone. She was tall, slender, with a beautiful smile. Package had arrived and it was pleasing in my sight. My mouth did not go dry. My air supply did not cut off abruptly. Nothing expanded in my chest. I could take my eyes off her for a minute and not lose her beauty. My heartbeat was normal and I was still satisfied. That is how I met my wife. We got married in 1999, and she’s given me chance after chance every day to step in her little world to show her what she had been missing. Dave, till today, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind though I wake up next to her every morning. My wife has made the difficulties life has to offer easier to tolerate. And, she’s made our good times even more nourishing.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s a very beautiful story.

Magnus: It’s the best story I have ever talked about in my life.

DBM: What were some of the qualities shared by her friends at the party?

Magnus: They told us about the base of their friendship, which was respect. They talked about the love she had for all of them which was key for me. I believe a woman with love in her heart for someone is also kind. They talked about the fact that she was quiet naturally, but could also hold a conversation, an intelligent conversation. She was a good listener and could explain what was on her mind, and could make space for other people’s feelings. Those were the first insights I gathered and needed to recognize about her attributes, because they aligned with what I was looking for in a wife.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Magnus: I love the fact that she likes and trusts herself. She knows her value and doesn’t need affirmation from me or anyone for that matter. I love the fact that she follows through on her every word, deed and action. I married a competent woman. She’s very independent, has a full life of her own, a great career, and doesn’t need me to survive. She’s capable and adequate, and can achieve what others believe to be impossible.

DBM: You have children?

Magnus: No. I have low sperm count in my semen. That was the difficulty my wife and I were having getting pregnant.

DBM: How is she taking it?

Magnus: She used to ask herself whether she could be happily married without children. Her concerns always came with layers of fear, and a little bit of hope here and there. She had her own expectations and sometimes, guilt. But she assured me when she came to the realization that she may never become a mother to her own child, that happiness in our marriage wouldn’t depend on whether we have children or not. She was going to base and bet her happiness in our marriage on just the two of us. She has not allowed her family, friends or society to define our family structure. Though it’s been just the two of us in the marriage, she’s not found us to be incomplete because we do not have children. My wife has protected my dignity and our marriage from the outside noise. She’s stood strong for me even when I do not understand. The love we thrive on is deep and is lasting.

DBM: 1999 to 2026 is a big deal of marriage experience. What do you believe is working for the good of the marriage?

Magnus: I think me being the man that I am is what has dictated the climate of our marriage. I am passionate about my wife and our marriage and I make sacrifices for my wife. I am not selfish. I am not foolish. I do not cheat on my wife or entertain the thought of it because I have made the decision to only desire more of her. I am avidly pursuing her in the marriage. Likewise, I have less pride and can humble myself before her. I take very good care of my wife and have made her life comfortable even though she makes her own money. I welcome accountability and can easily say ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’. When something awful or awesome happens, she always has me by her side to empathize or rejoice with her.

Image Credit: 2 Mephoto

(Update) Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda:  It was good we spoke on Tuesday, Dave. I invited one of our friends who is a doctor to come to our house to perform a rapid HIV test on us. Our samples were collected and he mixed it with a special solution. We got our results in less than 40 minutes. My husband tested positive. I am negative so far. Initially, he was lying about not knowing his status but our friend had pushed further for the truth and he caved. A young student he’s been supporting and sleeping with exposed him to it. She contracted it from her boyfriend on Legon campus.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did the student find out about her status?

Belinda: According to my husband, she was hospitalized for almost two weeks in January of 2025. He initially thought she was pregnant but she was sick with PCP pneumonia, which was how they found out and got him to also test. He was negative. He showed us the result from 2025. The doctor made me understand it’s a possibility that the virus developed later without him realizing it.

DBM: What’s next? Are you planning on arranging for a confirmatory test to be done to rule out the chances of you contracting the virus?

Belinda: Yes. In 4 months.

DBM: B, I’m terribly sorry

Belinda: The diagnosis is a surprise to me, especially knowing I have never stepped outside of our relationship and marriage. This is all on him. What he has done has affected any prospect of a future together. I will keep you updated in few months.

DBM: Good luck!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Eish! Belinda, what are you doing in my inbox? Lol!

Belinda: Dave, it’s not a laughing matter

DBM: What’s up?

Belinda: Are you posting this chat?

DBM: It depends on you, B. If you don’t want it made public, I can respect that.

Belinda: Post me anonymously

DBM: Sure. Sup?

Belinda: My husband, for the past year and a half has been pulling out during sex to ejaculate. He has so many pair of socks at home that he discharges into.

DBM: That’s weird!

Belinda: That’s what I was also saying. It’s weird

DBM: You’ve talked to him about it to seek his true reasons for doing what he’s doing?

Belinda: I have, D. His excuse is that his semen is no longer as cloudy and milky-white with its gel-like consistency.

DBM: What has that got to do with cum dump?

Belinda: D, we’re done having children and I have been putting in the effort to avoid accidental conception.

DBM: Before the year and a half intercourse with his socks, was he practicing the withdrawal method?

Belinda: No. Everything was in fact, normal. We’ve not gotten pregnant since our last child was born in 2019.

DBM: That’s strange.

Belinda: He doesn’t realize that single act also prevents me from being satisfied. I don’t know what to do

DBM: Uh-uh! We ain’t having that. You need to make him understand that unless he’s willing to reach his climax inside of you, you will not allow him anywhere near your inner cushion.

Belinda: He’s so careful not to even pre-cum mistakenly in me

DBM: What is he hiding from you then?

Belinda: What do you mean?

DBM: B, I think you and your husband should get tested

Belinda: For what?

DBM: I don’t know but he’s hiding something. It could be a harmless act to withhold his ejaculate but it would be better to be on the safer side.

Belinda: I caught him in an affair once and chose to forgive him because he promised not to ever disappoint me like that. That was the one affair I know happened in 2018 and he mended his cheating ways.

DBM: He has to be a man who truly reverences GOD, has respect for you and his marriage to you, to want to mend his cheating ways. A considerable number of men who cheat, unfortunately, do not stop no matter the consequences. I am basing my conclusion on the numerous interactions I have had with so many men. Your husband probably continued to lie, cover up and keep secrets from you. If ever you had doubts about his character, he still would admit only to partial truths simply to rationalize and justify his behavior. Something is up with him B, and you’re not overreacting by being concerned.

Belinda: We will go and get tested.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Good News Haunting

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Hafsat: Hello David. I need someone who would be honest with me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! What’s on your mind?

Hafsat: I have a pastor friend who is just a friend. He has a mighty call on his life and we all can attest to how passionate he is about his ministry. He’s his happiest when he’s sharing the word of God with us. I joined his church in 2023, and have been supporting financially. At first, I was giving anonymously but he figured who was behind the large sums in donations and invited me over to his office one Sunday afternoon, in 2024. That was how our friendship begun. He is married with children. I am a follower of Christ, and I trust God and would follow what he calls me to do. I had a dream on the 12th of March 2024, that my pastor’s wife had died and he had asked me to marry him. You’re the first person I’m sharing this dream with, Dave. No one else knows about it. I rebuked her death in prayer after I woke up from the dream and went about with my life. Pastor called me the beginning of this year to inform me about his decision to divorce his wife. Dave, I recently started dating one of our church Elders and I am getting very comfortable with his feelings for me. He’s very chill and hardworking and intelligent. He’s also the type of guy I find attractive. Now, my pastor is throwing me this hard curveball that I’m not sure I can play.

DBM: What ‘hard curveball’? He just said he’s considering divorcing his wife, no? Or there was something else communicated to you?

Hafsat: It was just about the divorce and his request for me to remember him in prayers

DBM: So, remember him in prayers

Hafsat: What about my dream?

DBM: What about it?

Hafsat: Or I am being naïve for thinking that dream could also be what my future may look like?

DBM: How do you want your future to look like?

Hafsat: I don’t know what God’s exact plans are for my life but I believe I am being called to hold responsibility.

DBM: What kind of responsibility?

Hafsat: I’m not sure. Dave, I care for people

DBM: How old are you?

Hafsat: 39

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Hafsat: I am the Country Director for an international organization.

DBM: You can choose not to answer this question. How much do you earn annually?

Hafsat: $125,000 USD

DBM: Has pastor ever been to your house?

Hafsat: Yes

DBM: To do what?

Hafsat: To pray for me. It was my birthday. He calls to also check on me when I am not able to attend church.

DBM: Do you know why he wants to divorce his wife?

Hafsat: He says it’s got to do with the new path God is leading him on

DBM: Where is this new path heading?

Hafsat: I don’t know

DBM: What has he said about his wife to you?

Hafsat: Nothing bad. He loves his wife and he has said in church, many times that she is the most powerful influence that has challenged him to be a better man. He’s also talked about her most attractive virtues.

DBM: Which are?

Hafsat: Her faithfulness and loyalty. And she’s a very beautiful woman

DBM: If she’s all that, how has he all of a sudden outgrown her usefulness?

Hafsat: That’s a good question

DBM: Do you find your pastor attractive?

Hafsat: Lol. David will kill me with laughter

DBM: Is that a yes or no?

Hafsat: He’s a fine man but we’re just friends

DBM: But is he the type you’d usually go for?

Hafsat: He is a nice man. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Is being nice alone good enough for you, or there are a lot of …?

Hafsat: David, there’s nothing going on between us if that is your follow-up question. Lol

DBM: When he told you about his intent to divorce his wife, what was your response?

Hafsat: I didn’t have anything to say. What was I to say?

DBM: Truth is, the way you respond to a man feigning to be interested in you can make a huge difference.

Hafsat: I don’t think he’s pretending to be my friend and pastor

DBM: Why did he come to you specifically to volunteer his divorce story?

Hafsat: Again Dave, I cannot know. Because we’re friends? I don’t know

DBM: So, this is what I think, because I am a man; and I know men. Work with me on this

Hafsat: Here we go again. Lol. Ok, I’m listening

DBM: A married man will tell you, a single woman, that he’s divorcing his wife because at the back of his head, he feels you can equally rekindle the spark within him. He’s always or secretly found you attractive and has once or twice, weighed you on the same scale he weighs his wife on – in his cunning mind. He’s ever thought you’re beautiful than his wife or in your case, make more than enough money on your own to support his mission in life. There’s always a catch that benefits or feeds his curiosity about you. A married man will tell you, a friend, that he’s divorcing his wife because he wants you to ask why, so he can compose any and everything to throw her under the bus. He will never tell you what he did wrong first, to make his wife’s decisions and, or actions explode if any. A married man will tell people, those he knows and do not know, that he’s divorcing his wife because he wants to take over the narrative that he left her, and not the other way round. He has to win the argument by all means. That is the kind of man these kinds of men are in real life: these have no character.

Hafsat: What if he’s just plain unhappy in his marriage?

DBM: Most likely, your pastor was in an unhappy marriage with his wife prior to meeting or knowing you, and has found or is finding that happiness and excitement he wasn’t getting at home in your friendship. Question is, are you equally thrilled to find in him, a man who in your estimation, gets you; that you are willing to damn all consequences to take a risk, even though you know he’s legally still married?

Hafsat: That’s not what I am doing

DBM: But are you considering it? To want to become a break from the routine of a married man’s ‘boring’ life?

Hafsat: I am not having an affair with a married man, Dave

DBM: I’m not saying you are. We’re just having a healthy conversation.

Hafsat: Dave, you’re also married. Why do you think married men have affairs?

DBM: I can only speak about what will make me want to have an affair. There is a pleasure in the knowledge that someone else somewhere, also sees me. And the thought of losing having that someone else in my life – who is willing to fight for me, care for me and risk it all just to make excuses for my bad behavior is an impossible tense. If I am a manipulative, selfish and cunning man, I would desperately need that extra oomph in my life.

Hafsat: Okie dokie

DBM: A lot of us men mostly want relationship quid pro quo. And it often starts with being nice to you. You’ve been good to him and his ministry with your purse. He’s now pulling out all the charm in his pursuit until he has conquered your undivided attention. Do not fall prey to these tricks

Hafsat: David, this is a pastor we’re talking about

DBM: You are choosing to see what you want to see about him. And only trusting the image you have created in your head about him than the person he’s showing you to be to his wife. Matthew 19:9 considers divorce without biblical grounds to be a sin. Is his wife abusing him? Has his wife abandoned him? Has she committed adultery? Is she addicted to any unhealthy behavior that his own actions didn’t lead her on to?

Hafsat: I don’t know

DBM: I honestly do not trust your pastor’s charm. It sounds deceitful to me

Hafsat: I don’t know what else to tell you Dave. You don’t know him

DBM: Please do not fall for this front. Something tells me it’s just a lure to hook you into his control. The real character of your pastor will be unleashed the moment you allow him to have his way with you. It will not be a pretty story in the end. He’s interested in dating you due to your financial status and whatever support he believes could come out of an exclusive relationship with you.

Hafsat: We’re all entitled to our opinions

DBM: What is your opinion?

Hafsat: I have none

DBM: Do you desire the elder you’re dating as much as you want to belong to your pastor?

Hafsat: I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t owe you an explanation

DBM: I do not think every dream comes from GOD. Some dreams come from our own secret desires. Some dreams also come from the devil because he delights in copying GOD. If someone who pretends to like you but wants your downfall (consciously or unconsciously) gives you counterfeits of your best and closest friend’s designs, how would you discern a genuine gift from your best friend from a counterfeit?

Hafsat: I get everything you’re trying to say, Dave.

DBM: Do not allow a dream to shift things in your life. Sometimes, that unassuming shift is all the enemy needs close the door to your peace of mind.

Hafsat: Thank you.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

In Sickness And In Health

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jacob: David Good morning

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Jacob: Am fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Jacob: My wife is suffering from the aftermath of a stroke. The doctors assured me that she was going to be bedridden temporarily but it’s been over three years with limited mobility. She’s lost her independence to carry out any form of activity and it’s stressing me out each and every day. I feel so depressed and I feel like it’s depressing her in the process. Her demeanor on the daily has anger written all over it. And she’s unwilling to articulate what is bothering her. I don’t know how to help her.

DBM: Have you ever found your health in a state where your ability to simply care for yourself declines?

Jacob: I don’t think so.

DBM: Your wife is helpless with her new reality. That is the rage of emotions you’re probably witnessing.

Jacob: I understand and I don’t know what else to do

DBM: How old are you?

Jacob: 43

DBM: How old is she?

Jacob: 40

DBM: How long have you been married?

Jacob: 12 years

DBM: What is the story behind her current state?

Jacob: We were struggling to get pregnant after years of trying. Though we both had busy lifestyles and unbearable work commitments, we still made time to get together to actually have a lot of sex, which was fun. She got pregnant in January 2022. She started to bleed profusely after giving birth, and her blood pressure elevated for no reason. The next thing we realized, she was having difficulty speaking. Her face drooped and that was the beginning of her problems.

DBM: How is the baby?

Jacob: He is doing well. Thank you for asking

DBM: Has your wife held her baby yet?

Jacob: No. Her arms are still weak but she’s seeing him grow every day.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not had sex with wifey since then?

Jacob: I’ve had to push down the thought of having sex with her on the list of my priorities. It’s not easy, Dave. I don’t cheat. I have never cheated on my wife with another person. So, you can understand why this a bit hard for me. Three years is no joke

DBM: I can only imagine

Jacob: When I found out we were finally going to have a child, I couldn’t wait for that opportunity to raise my baby boy. Dave, it takes enormous responsibility to be an exemplary male figure in a child’s life. I want our little Jason to be what he sees his father do for his mother. My son has to see honor and integrity in me when he sees me. I want him to understand that my relationship with his mother is the most important relationship in my life and I do not intend to treat it casually. I am glad he’s seeing my commitment to his mother not as optional.

DBM: You sound like a decent man.

Jacob: I don’t want to be a liar, Dave. No one cheats without becoming deceitful on some level. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. If I tell my wife I’m working late at the office on any given day, I make sure it isn’t a half truth that I would later have to redefine the ‘working’ so I can silence a compromised conscience. Marriage is no laughing matter, especially, now, for me. This version of ‘in sickness and in health’ is quite trying for me right now.

DBM: You need to hold on someway, somehow, and trust the process. As sure as everything in life somehow, changes, so does marriage. Try not to give up on her

Jacob: I’m really trying. Ugh, Dave, you’re making me teary. It’s not easy at all.

DBM: Take things one day at a time, and continue to do the very best you can to do right by yourself, do right by your wife; do right by little Jason, and most importantly, by GOD. He comes through for those open to do their best to practice acceptance, patience and empathy in times like these.

Jacob: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright. Learn to live through this difficult phase in your marriage and take control of the narrative. Don’t let your wife’s sudden inability and transition to take control over your emotions and actions.

Jacob: Thank you

DBM: Do you mind if I pray for you?

Jacob: Please pray for me

DBM: I pray the Lord to give you enough grace, so much patience and endurance to be a loving support to your wife through this difficult time. I pray the Lord to wrap your home in His ever-protective presence, and remind you each and every day of His boundless and unfailing love. May the Lord comfort you in your pain, may He ease your wife’s suffering and give her enough strength to endure this severe illness. I pray the Lord to restore her body, cell by cell, and let His river of peace attend to her troubled mind. May the Lord hold you and Jason so close to Himself. By faith in the name of Jesus, you and your wife are made strong. I pray the Lord Jesus to heal your wife – for little Jason’s sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for your own sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for His name’s sake, because He loves us and desires to answer our prayers if only, we will come unto Him and ask. This we ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, who will receive all the glory when she is healed. We seek to praise You, O Lord, in that healing. Amen!

Jacob: Amen.

Image Credit: Danily UK

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems