Author: David B

© David Bondze-Mbir. All rights reserved.

Mine To Keep

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Xich: Hello David. I need your opinion. My very good friend is a lady I wouldn’t know what to do without. She’s that friend in my life who would make me laugh a little louder. She makes me smile a little bigger, and allows me to be myself so I can live life just a little better. We’ve been friends for 29 years. We hang out a lot. It doesn’t matter the problems I found myself in, she was always there for me. I really love her for that. However, she tends to choose unavailable men as boyfriends and I am always the first person to realize that those relationships wouldn’t last. I’m scared of risking our friendship but the love I have for her is the most effortless, natural love there is to give. She’s my personal person and thoughts of letting her know this scares me. That is the hardest part of our friendship, hiding my true feelings from her.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are you?

Xich: 38

DBM: How old is your friend?

Xich: 38

DBM: Okay!

Xich: She’s dating my cousin, a really great guy. And I love that for her because he’s the one guy I can vouch would not take her for granted. But I am secretly jealous and angry that he might ask her to marry him. There is resentment in my heart.

DBM: Did she ever promise you anything more than to be your friend?

Xich: No. But I was hoping she might come around and realize I am the right guy for her.

DBM: Have you ever tried to pursue her?

Xich: Yes and no.

DBM: What does ‘yes’ and ‘no’ mean?

Xich: Not directly. I don’t know how to go about that conversation. I’ve tried.

DBM: What’s her name?

Xich: Serwaa

DBM: How long has she been dating your cousin?

Xich: 8 months

DBM: That’s a full-blown relationship, no?

Xich: Yes. But I still feel I am the right man for her

DBM: Is she happy with your cousin?

Xich: Yes, they’re very happy together but something tells me she cares about me too. I need to find out if it’s all in my head.

DBM: What do you want from me?

Xich: I don’t know how to go about it.

DBM: Text her this message: “Serwaa, hello! What you’re about to read shouldn’t be a mutual feeling. I just want to share something I’ve always wanted to tell you but didn’t know how. I have so much love and care for you. I find you to be extremely attractive, and would have seriously pursued a relationship with you if you weren’t seeing my cousin. I respect what you two have and I know he is right for you. Ideally, I’m supposed to say I support your relationship with him completely and wish you all the best but that wouldn’t the whole truth. I believe I am the right guy for you but again, I’m not going to ask for anything at the moment because you’re not a single lady. I love being your best friend, and I just wanted to also let you know how I really feel about you.”

Xich: Dave, this is deep. I felt it

DBM: That is how you indirectly, invite someone you’re in love with to open up about their own underlying feelings for you – without putting any pressure on them. There is nothing wrong with planting a seed that may or not very well grow into something meaningful later on.

Xich: Thank you. I will update up.

Image Credit: Artempodrez

The Potency of A Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Cyndi: I was married for 12 years. Seven out of those years I lived as a single married woman in a loveless relationship with my husband. My husband instead of being with me, learned so much about pleasing himself sexually with other women. He avoided sexual intimacy with me due to his higher sexual interest in other women. He had a lot of vulnerable conversations with other women. He created sexual memories with other women. One of his mistresses had the guts to call me on the phone to tell me she was the one who had instructed my husband not to be having sex with me because she considered that to be cheating on her.

To be very honest with you Dave, when I look back on our journey as husband and wife, there is no such thing as joy to recollect. Our love did not deepen with time. I don’t believe in prayer, effort or communication anymore. What wasn’t I willing to do to get my husband to work together with me to grow a good marriage? I don’t believe in giving up on something as important as marriage when it’s in its uphill season. No marriage is easy and I don’t expect couples to give up on themselves but my husband gave up on me when I needed us the most.

My husband was such a nice guy. I remember the day he asked me to marry him. I remember the first time he hugged me and told me how much he loved me. I remember all the promises he made to make me believe he would be the perfect man to raise a family with. He used to represent hope in my life. He used to represent love. He used to represent dreams that could come true. My dreams were all about him. About us. I thought our reality was going to be whatever we wanted it to be. Then I stumbled upon a text message on his phone from a girl he told me he used to date. We weren’t married by this time. They were still sleeping together though she was also dating another guy. Two years into our marriage, he started to clear his phone and computer’s browser history. He set new passwords on his mobile device while having access to mine. I had nothing to hide.

He began meeting with his mistresses late into the nights under the guise of having late-night work engagements. There were specific calls he would only take outside of the house. I couldn’t explain it but it was happening before my eyes. Then he started to unfairly criticize every minor thing I did that displeased him. He became short-tempered and snappy. Always appearing moody before eventually becoming distant. And cold towards me. He stopped posting loving messages and tributes to me on his social media because he did not want to upset a mistress. He confirmed my suspicions and I came to the conclusion that I was no longer going to commit to healing or rebuilding the relationship.

I started sleeping in our children’s room and I did that for six years. Dave, I was traumatized by his betrayal. I couldn’t trust him with the safety of my emotions. I told my parents and his parents. They tried to talk to him but he wasn’t willing to take responsibility for his actions. He even got angry at me for telling our families. He did not end the affair and was still in contact with her. His own sister, Dave, my sister-in-law o, had lunch with me one day and told me to do something drastic that she had done when her husband was having an affair. She asked me to strip myself naked at dawn, in my children’s room, lie on the floor and pour my heart out in tears. I did just as she had suggested and my 7-year-old son got up upon hearing me cry. He saw me naked on the floor and got scared and started to cry. He took his bedsheet and tried to keep me covered. His sheets covered my belly and my upper thighs, barely coving anything. He laid beside me, absolutely dead terrified of seeing his mother in tears and in pain. We cried till we both fell asleep.

My sister-in-law’s husband died three years ago. My husband was involved in a dreadful car accident. He doesn’t remember how it happened but eye witnesses say that there was a pot hole on the side of the road which caught the front side wheel of his car and span him into a ditch. They had to drag him out of the car because there was smoke. He was taken to the hospital and hasn’t been able to walk since. I filed for divorce and moved out of the house with the children, two days before he was discharged from the hospital. People are saying I am wicked for leaving my husband in his time of need. Nobody seems to remember how he abandoned me in our marriage for seven years. Now, I’m the bad guy?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Wait! I’ve actually heard about the bare-assed on the ground tactic. I know a lady who told me on three different occasions that she was going to curse her ex-husband at dawn like that. She wasn’t able to bring herself into doing it because she couldn’t look past her little boys becoming fatherless. But she told me about the process.

Cyndi: Dave, it’s a dangerous curse.

DBM: I don’t believe in curses

Cyndi: I do, and it works. Its potency lies in a bloodline invoking it. My husband’s blood sister told me to lock it in. My husband’s biological son cried with me because he felt my pain, though he could not yet understand nor explain with words. Every child cry for a reason. And when we cry, the voice of our blood cries out to the universe from the ground. Some combined tears represent a demand for justice, retribution, and vengeance against people.

DBM: How long did it take before your husband’s accident?

Cyndi: 7 months.

DBM: How about your sister-in-law’s late husband?

Cyndi: 3 months. Her husband’s sister told her to invoke the curse. Her daughter woke up from her sleep to join her mother cry. Her husband died in his sleep three months later.

DBM: What is your relationship like with his sister now?

Cyndi: We’re very close friends. When the news of her brother’s accident got to her, she told me she didn’t realize the wages of his sins would paralyze him, since hers resulted in death.

DBM: When you were naked on the floor, what did you pray about?

Cyndi: It wasn’t a prayer. I was complaining to God. It was more of my regret and waste of time in a marriage that wasn’t serving me. I cried all the hurt, pain, betrayal, embarrassment and heartbreak on the floor, and slept on it.

DBM: Who is taking care of your husband?

Cyndi: His mother and father. His sister tells me everyday is a battle for him but he has his parents around.

DBM: Are you divorced?

Cyndi: No, but we are separated.

Image Credit: Dihandrea

Locked Down

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Barnabas: Something tragic happened to me in 2020, March 25th. I was attacked and robbed at gunpoint while jogging on a deserted road. Two guys and a lady I did not know came at me with a gun and knife. I’m usually up and running by 4:00 am before going to work. As I was listening to music as usual, I noticed a girl stranded by the roadside by her car. She had long, curly black hair and a white dress that made her look like the type I usually went for. I first ran past her and I was immediately drawn to her because she smelled so good.

I run back after a minute to where she was, and we started talking. Her car had broken down and was waiting for daylight so she could find the nearest mechanic. I knew a mechanic. I took out my phone to call him. I made a quick attempt to look in her eyes and smile but I caught a glimmer of contempt in the way she half-turned towards me, but without looking back at me. Before the call could go through, two guys came out of nowhere to attack me. It happened so fast. My body became their battleground, filled with bruises. I tried fighting back but they head buttered me to the point where my vision began to blur. They took away my housekeys and phone, jumped into the lady’s car and sped off. What happened to me that day changed the course of my life and work.

I am usually a hypervigilant person, always predicting a risky scenario and trying to avoid it. So, this attack took me by surprise. I gained consciousness in a stranger’s bed. The physical wounds were hurting but I had been cleaned, dressed and medicated. As the day wore on, I found myself feeling more and more comfortable and around him. I found out he was a doctor and was returning home from his night shift when he saw me bleeding and semi-conscious by the roadside. We talked for minutes but could not explain why I was vulnerable to the attack in the first place. I didn’t know what the attackers wanted from me. They took my phone but what did I do wrong? The thought of not knowing and the fact that those three people were still at large, troubled me.

He decided to take me home when he was preparing to go to work that evening. We got to my house and I had been robbed. They took my keys for a reason. They knew where I stayed. We reported the incident to the police but the way the officers handled my case left me adrift. One officer asked what I might have done to provoke this, even though he was staring at the evidence of assault all over my body. I was still recovering from the bruises to my head and face, knife wounds and my emotional collapse.

The doctor passed by my house after his shift the next morning to check on me and dress my wounds again. We continued to talk and discovered that we had a lot in common. We talked for hours while helping to put my house in order. He cooked for me, took his bath and fell asleep on my couch. When he got up from his sleep, we talked some more, laughed and joked like we had known each other for years although it was easy for me to make a soft joke out of anything due to my funny nature. He introduced himself to me. I introduced myself to him and that was how our friendship began.

COVID-19 happened and I was still in recovery mode from the attack. My new friend bought me a new phone, kept checking on me and cooking for me. I started to like him every day of the week. I loved his sense of humor, his kindness and friendship. I knew I wanted to spend more time knowing him. I started talking about my hopes, aspirations and fears with him. I’m usually sharing this kind of information with women I was attracted to. This felt different. He spent every spare moment he had with me. We did road trips together to explore the city and beyond. It was friendship but I didn’t think it was all about friendship. I had developed feelings for him and was falling more and more in love with him.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You were falling in love with a guy?

Barnabas: Yes. I was attracted to him as an individual. It wasn’t anything sexual at first.

DBM: Are you same sex attracted?

Barnabas: I wasn’t before meeting him. We’ve done intimate things together since. Deep down I knew there was something going on with how I felt about him. I became open and curious and didn’t stress about it too much. It’s a bit confusing though.

DBM: It’s understandable to be confused. It can take time and work to finally come to terms with your sexual identity in a specific moment and experience. Stay true to what feels right to you.

Barnabas: He likes men though.

DBM: I figured

Barnabas: How?

DBM: A straight man would have rushed you straight to the hospital. Gay men tend to be intuitively caring and wouldn’t mind adjusting their schedule just to be your hero. They will test your boundaries even with the purest of intentions.

Barnabas: I think I am turning gay. He’s brought excitement in the way I think of him.

DBM: There is no definite way of knowing. It’s just how you feel

Barnabas: We’ve been together since COVID lockdown.

DBM: Nice. Late last year, a TV production company and major content studio expressed interest in adapting some of my Facebook inbox messages and conversations into a film series. Do you mind me including your story?

Barnabas: You have my permission.

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Royal Rouge

Doing The Most

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Growing my natural, afro hair has been my signature hairstyle for decades. And I know how to take good care of it. My hair is always moisturized to prevent dryness and breakage. I trim it every month or two, to remove the split ends, so it can look thick and full. I wash my hair thoroughly, and before I sleep, wrap it in a silk bonnet or scarf. David, that is my regular routine. I’m painting this picture for you to understand how dedicated and patient I have been over the years to grow my afro into a healthy and amazing happy hair. It’s my pride and joy.

I’ve been married to my husband for nine years and I used to think he was a man and not a boy. He’s always felt entitled to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Truth is, I have no tolerance for married men or women who cheat on their spouses. I see such people to lack integrity. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust my husband because he lied to me. Five years ago, after the birth of our second child, I started to realize that he was always on his phone even when we were in bed. He didn’t seem present. He also would stay up after we had sex and I went to bed, still on his phone. I felt like we were drifting apart and wanted to know what was going on with us.

He continued to gaslight my concerns till I finally discovered his infidelity by checking his phone one dawn. I took screenshots and sent the details of my discovery to my phone. I needed proof to help me digest what he’s been up to. And knowing how easy lying flows from his tongue, I needed the screenshots to counteract his denial of the affairs. It took me about a week to process everything before finding the right time to have the conversation with him in person. I arranged for my children to be looked after because I did not need them to be present at home when I had this talk with their father. I wasn’t demanding the truth from him there and then. I gave him a whole day, 24 hours, to simply think about what I had figured out and come back to me with an honest response.

Because I hadn’t mentioned I had copies of the screenshots, he deleted all the conversations and call histories on his phone, and even went as far as contacting the two ladies he was sleeping with to deny anything. Anytime a man makes you look stupid by daring you to tell him what he has done wrong, as if it is your job to prove him wrong, that is when you should know there is no going back to what it used to be. I made the difficult decision to separate from him, though we stayed in the same house but slept in different rooms. The day after I filed for divorce, I woke up after an argument with him, and he had cut my hair with scissors, packed all his belongings and left our front door and the main gate open.

Image Credit: Begna Belay

Love Equation

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dolly: I was married to my ex-husband for two years before readily giving him away to the woman he sometimes woke up in the middle of his sleep, at dawn, looked at me, and addressed me by her name. He would be talking to her in a native language that I initially thought was a made-up language because he was sleep talking. The first time he did that was on our honeymoon. He was snoring heavily next to me in bed. The next thing I knew, he was trying to pitch a brilliant business idea to the name he had called out. The same name he always addressed me by in his sleep.

He sang love songs a couple of times in his sleep to the same name, which I sometimes thought was cute. I wasn’t jealous, not once, because I understood what it meant to be loved by a man. She was his soul mate. He considered her, even in his sleep. Mentioning her name in his sleep wasn’t just an error. He was accounting for her relevance and existence in his life. David, the truth is, another man’s existence was part of my own intentions. I loved my ex-husband, but I was not in love with him. The man I was in love with had married another woman he was having a child with. My ex-husband was just an afterthought filling a void in my heart. I wasn’t ready to date another man but he insisted on courting me. I didn’t think I had anything to lose, so I went along with it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did you confirm this other woman was real?

Dolly: He woke up one dawn, sleep walking in the bedroom. I was pregnant with our daughter. I kept quiet and just watched him moving to and fro in the middle of the night. He came back to bed and started to snore. I picked his phone, unlocked it and searched for the name of the lady. I read their text and email exchanges. He wasn’t cheating on me with her, but I realized they had a history together. I kept quiet about what I had discovered till he had another episode at dawn. He was asking her if she still loved him. I woke up and whispered to him, ‘would you like to be in a relationship with me’? He went quiet for a minute and then responded, ‘I have to tell my wife about you.’

DBM: Did he remember any of these when he woke up?

Dolly: No, but I had to bring it up. He told me all I needed to know about her and what he felt for her. I asked for her phone number and he gave it to me. I met and had lunch with her and told her about how he babbles about her in his sleep and all his feelings for her. She giggled while I laughed. I found out that though she was the one who had broken up with him, she factored him into a love equation he hadn’t asked her to solve. They were meant to be, and I could understand that. After the birth of our daughter, I asked for divorce. They’re my friends now and we are actively working together for the success of our daughter. The three of us share the responsibility for raising and parenting our children. He is happily married to the other lady and they have two kids of their own together.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Time To Let Go

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Suzanne: I’m holding on to an unhealthy marriage that I know isn’t good for me. There is a child involved so I am finding it very difficult to simply let go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What do you want for you?

Suzanne: I want to raise my son in a stable environment filled with love

DBM: That is what you want for your son. What do YOU want?

Suzanne: Something different. Something I can depend on.

DBM: Is the situation you’re currently holding on to out of your control?

Suzanne: Yes

DBM: So, redirect your focus on what you can control

Suzanne: That’s the scary part for me. What if the grass is not greener on the outside?

DBM: You don’t have to worry about what tomorrow brings. How long have you been married?

Suzanne: 9 yrs.

DBM: What did your husband do?

Suzanne: He has gotten two women pregnant and the mother of one of the ladies is a former school mate of my dad. She brough the issue to my dad’s attention because she knows about me and who I am married to. My dad invited my husband home for a chat and whatever he did or said to my father is what killed him. My father had a build up of fat and cholesterol in his arteries. I received a call from my mother that my dad was receiving CPR, and I needed to make my way to the hospital’s emergency asap. I got to know that my husband was having an argument with my dad at home and he collapsed. He passed away from a heart attack.

DBM: I’m terribly sorry.

Suzanne: Thanks. He’s also taken every jewelry he’s bought for me, including my wedding rings and given them to one of the pregnant girls.

DBM: How in the world are you still choosing to hold on to the summation of this kind of experience?

Suzanne: I’m in it for the sake of my son. He loves his father

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Suzanne: I don’t have an answer to your question.

DBM: Just because one man is choosing to let you down doesn’t mean every man will let you down. You’re capable of receiving what is deserving of you. You need to build your own closure so you can create space for a fresh beginning.

Suzanne: I’m worried about letting people who look up to me in church down.

DBM: The weight of a decision like this is a personal choice. It’s your personal journey. And really, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, except you.

Suzanne: Thank you.

Image Credit: Mizunokozuki

A Few Good Clients

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jille: I am representing a client whose husband is on trial for a fraudulent breach of trust. He lied to a dozen people to deprive them of their money and property. I’m convinced the defendant will be proven guilty beyond reasonable doubt because the prosecutors have enough evidence to trail this case. I’m looking at imprisonment for his case and a possible forfeiture of assets gained through his fraudulent schemes.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM) Okay!

Jille: I have a serious crush on his wife, and I cannot comport myself when we are in the same room together.

DBM: She’s married, no?

Jille: I’m also married, and her husband will be in prison for a very long time. She loves her husband but I fancy her. Dave, I know how these types of cases end. Her marriage is basically over and for the sake of their daughter, I’d want to step in before someone tries to take advantage of her.

DBM: Take advantage of her in what sense?

Jille: Pretend to be in love with her. They’re rich.

DBM: And, you’d be stepping in as what exactly?

Jille: Lover / Protector

DBM: What type of fraud is her husband involved in?

Jille: Credit card fraud for unauthorized use of accounts, and romance fraud. There is also impersonation as a supplier with false payment details using phishing attacks.

DBM: Was his wife in the known of his activities?

Jille: No

DBM: Your name, is it Ghanaian or Nigerian?

Jille: Nigerian.

DBM: To what extent have you exploited the crush and fancy?

Jille: We’ve not covered a lot of ground. We’ve just kissed.

DBM: How many times?

Jille: Maybe, three times. She has very soft lips and knows how to play with her tongue. I’m a professional lawyer and I’m trying so hard not to step outside of the professional realms but it’s damn too hard.

DBM: Is she the first client you’ve crossed boundaries with?

Jille: No. Pretty women are my weakness, Dave. My client is very attractive and understanding. She cares about my feelings. And I’ve always wanted that in a woman.

DBM: Are you being paid to be fantasizing about her?

Jille: No, and I’m doing everything I’m expected to be doing for my client and even more.

DBM: Do you foresee yourself having sex with her?

Jille: Very soon. It’s intense

DBM: And, is the feeling mutual?

Jille: Yes. It used to be one-sided but she’s caught up with me. She doesn’t want to be alone. I can step in her husband’s shoes.

DBM: To take care of his child?

Jille: Her husband’s money can do that. She doesn’t need my money

Image Credit: RDNE

Dear Saul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Stella: My story began in 1996. I was writing short letters to Saul in my journal, with no intention of mailing it to him. I couldn’t hold back when I started to read his book. It was a story about his wife. She was battling cancer. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, and Saul’s book enabled me to express my thoughts and feelings without holding myself back.

The short notes were for my eyes only and it was a great way to not explain all the details of my fears to family and friends. I wasn’t also reading back what I had written because I wasn’t ready to absorb the emotional energy invested in the writing to release. I believe in closure. The version of closure that I was craving for didn’t come wrapped in a one-hour conversation. What I had to say didn’t need to be heard. Writing those letters made me sit with my own thoughts. I needed an out to simply let them go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello to you too. Lol!

Stella: Hello David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Saul is an author?

Stella: Yes.

DBM: Do you remember the first letter you wrote to him?

Stella: I have it here somewhere. I can type it

DBM: I want to read it

Stella: “Dear Saul,

It’s Thursday, June 13, 1996. And I am getting some reading done. I am reading your book. Currently on page 59, chapter four. I just felt like sending you strength and love today. I don’t know how the story is going to end but you’re so much stronger than you know.”

DBM: And you didn’t post it?

Stella: I did not.

DBM: Do you have any more letters to him?

Stella: “Dear Saul,

I am at the beach today. It’s a crowded space but the sound of the ocean waves is drowning out the noise. I am almost done diving into your amazing book. Chapter 34 now. The way you write about your wife’s courage is remarkable. She makes me want to reflect on my own husband’s strength. He inspires me. Mine is also battling cancer and he keeps fighting. He’s pushing through every day to beat this disease. Your wife is showing your readers what strength looks like. This is a scar in their lives to tell a story of a battle they will win. Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Tell me a bit about your husband

Stella: His best friend was my friend. He had been trying to get us to go on a date. One weekend, he invited me over to dinner. He cooked and I left with the first love of my life. We became friends for 50 days and he asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh wow! That was fast

Stella: We were single and mature, and not attempting to impress each other. We wanted love. We wanted marriage. We wanted family, so we went for it.

DBM: Was he the kind of man you wanted?

Stella: He looked like the kind of man I could want

DBM: Was he the kind of man you knew was best for you?

Stella: Maybe

DBM: Why maybe?

Stella: Because my head and heart couldn’t agree

DBM: Why wasn’t your head agreeing?

Stella: My late husband smoked a lot. He was an addict and could not control it. He always wanted to quit because it was affecting his emotions, moods and behavior.

DBM: What was he smoking?

Stella: Tobacco. He also drank alcohol. His father smoked and drank. His peers used tobacco. That was the life he grew up in and before he realized, he was physically dependent on the urge to use it.

DBM: How did his addiction make you feel?

Stella: I felt betrayed. His urge was sometimes hard to resist. Love came with a baggage I did not choose.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Stella: We were married for three years. He died in 1996

DBM: Oh!

Stella: Saul’s wife died in 1997.

DBM: Oh no!

Stella: I received a letter from Saul in 1998.

DBM: Huh?

Stella: Dave, my late husband lived a hundred lives before he died. He loved to read. We both did. It was our favorite hobby since we married. I believe he was the one who infected me with his reading bug – because he was always recommending books to me. Saul’s book was a recommendation from a friend. After reading it, I tore the notes I had written to him in my journal, folded them neatly and placed them in Saul’s book and totally forgot about it. Somehow, my late husband came across the book, read it and read my short notes to Saul. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone to the post office to mail it.

DBM: How did he know Saul’s address?

Stella: His mailing address was printed in the book so his readers could send him letters or feedback without going through a publisher.

DBM: Ha! What was the content of Saul’s letter?

Stella: I can type it

DBM: Please do

Stella: “Dear Stella,

Thank you for supporting my work. I appreciate you more than words can express. Your husband mailed me your letters. He asked me to express his gratitude for all that you did for him. He says you helped him grow even though he would have wished to become a better person for you. He cherished every moment with you and loved you.

My wife died a year ago and I am discovering a fan I never knew existed. What you have given to me on paper is this one liner that ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.” Today feels drenched in dreary but ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Hmmm!

Stella: We kept exchanging letters and started a conversation. We have been talking and going on dates ever since. We became close friends and later got married in 2003. We’re still together. He did not let my simple gesture of a journal note slip away. Dave, when I look at the kind of humans our children have turned out to be, I couldn’t have asked for a better father for them.

Image Credit: Karola G

Her Kinda Person

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nana Yaa: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM: Hey, Nana Yaa. How are you doing?

Nana Yaa: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How is your boyfriend?

Nana Yaa: He’s fine

DBM: The ‘girlfriend’ status is now officially claimed, no?

Nana Yaa: It has

DBM: Glad to know

Nana Yaa: I like him very much

DBM: I figured.

Nana Yaa: Thanks for hooking us up

DBM: Well, I did not hook you up. You expressed interest in him after his post, and I just connected you

Nana Yaa: He’s my taste I swear. He’s fine

DBM: I’m happy for you. What about his post got you interested?

Nana Yaa: The way he expressed himself ignited laughter. I laughed about the part he talked about his roster. At first, I thought it was a corny joke.

DBM: Really? Because I didn’t find a man who rotates ladies he’s sleeping with to be funny.

Nana Yaa: It wasn’t funny but somehow, his honesty was the real knockout move for me

DBM: I see. How far with the whole ‘sex’ conversation?

Nana Yaa: I’m not having sex with anyone who isn’t my husband.

DBM: Are you a virgin?

Nana Yaa: No

DBM: Okay!

Nana Yaa: I know that is what he’s finding difficult to understand but Dave, if a man is not ready to recognize or respect my principles and faith, then he does not want to really know me.

DBM: I agree with you

Nana Yaa: He’s promised to stay the pace

DBM: And you believe he can?

Nana Yaa: He should be able to. So far, he’s proven to be a man who keeps to his word. He hasn’t said anything to me that he hasn’t done yet. His words so far have value.

DBM: Have you kissed?

Nana Yaa: We have kissed. I like the way he kisses me. He’s always asking ‘can I kiss you?’ before making a move on me. This is the first time I am dating a man who asks for my consent before kissing me.

DBM: That’s sweet of him. Practicing boundaries with a partner and respecting theirs is confirmation of how they make you feel safe and respected.

Nana Yaa: He’s very sweet. I feel safe and comfortable with him

DBM: Have you met any of his friends?

Nana Yaa: Yes. And he’s met my best friends

DBM: What do you appreciate about him?

Nana Yaa: He doesn’t pretend

DBM: I believe that. Lol!

Nana Yaa: What you see is what you get. But most significantly, he satisfies me emotionally. I am aware of his need to be physical with me but I am not there yet. I hope that someday I would be able to satisfy him sexually.

DBM: People are different and we have different needs.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: What is most important is that you try your best to fulfill him and make him feel at peace, and someday, satisfied.

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Do you trust him?

Nana Yaa: I trust him. I have seen how he has my best interest at heart

DBM: Do you believe he likes you as much?

Nana Yaa: I think so. I’ve never felt like I need to put on an act to get him interested in me. I can be myself around him. And he calls my phone four times in a day, just to check on me. What does that say about him?

DBM: He likes you for sure. When a man genuinely is that much into you, he would want to hear your voice a lot more than once. How did your first date with him go?

Nana Yaa: I didn’t want it to end. We talked, and danced. Lol!

DBM: Aha! Lol!

Nana Yaa: It’s pretty hard to resist a tall, 52-year-old lawyer who is clueless about his dance moves being mediocre.

DBM: Lol! He can’t dance?

Nana Yaa: Don’t laugh at my man. Can you dance?

DBM: No!

Nana Yaa: He can’t also dance.

DBM: Has he been clearer about exactly what he wants from you?

Nana Yaa: He wants to get married someday

DBM: To you?

Nana Yaa: Yes. He extended an invitation to me to move in with him.

DBM: Really?

Nana Yaa: Yes

DBM: Where do you stand on cohabitation before marriage?

Nana Yaa: I declined the offer.

DBM: Why is that? Too soon?

Nana Yaa: It’s been two months since we started talking. I am enjoying getting to know him. And I need my space to be doing that efficiently. Men easily feel smothered when you’re in their business. I’ve lived with a man who loved me before until he was fed up having me around his home all the time. I want to be in a man’s home like I live there after he’s married me.

DBM: Aside that, nothing else is holding you back?

Nana Yaa: I like things the way they are with us. I don’t have to be auditioning as a live-in wife. What would be your intention as a man to ask someone to move in with you?

DBM: The only person who has ever moved in with me is my spouse. We tried that for three months, after dating for almost a year. I needed to understand what it meant to share my space and home with someone else. I hadn’t done it before. The thought of losing my closet space, my independence, my personal space etc. My spouse is a bit messy and doesn’t see the need to clean stuff up right there and then. I am the direct opposite. So, you can only imagine how things easily went south. When I lived alone, I didn’t have to consider the needs and desires of another human being before making the simplest of decision. But I had to, in our three months trial. It took a lot of consideration and discussion, but ….

Nana Yaa: Did it influence your decision to get married?

DBM: No, but it confirmed something I already knew

Nana Yaa: What?

DBM: That I was willing to take the next step in the relationship with my partner. I could spend the rest of my life with babe’s character. Being with someone you care about outweighs the sacrifice of personal freedom.

Nana Yaa: Ok

DBM: I had always wanted to ask this question: his initial post was desiring of a lady between the ages of 25 and 35. You’re 38 years old, no?

Nana Yaa: I’m a risk taker. That’s how I learn. Risks come with consequences. I can never know something is for me until I actually try to claim it. The men I thought were worth jumping for weren’t there to catch me. This guy doesn’t look like he’s worth jumping for. I may end up even with a broken limb or heart but he’s a risk I am willing to leap one more time.

Image Credit: Leonardo Moncao

Not Ready

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Evans: Dave, do you want to hear a funny story?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No!

Evans: Come on, be nice

DBM: What’s the funny story?

Evans: They are planning my wedding without my involvement, without my knowledge.

DBM: Who are the ‘they’?

Evans: My girlfriend is the chief orchestrator I think

DBM: How long have you two been in a relationship?

Evans: Almost five years

DBM: How did you find out about this plan?

Evans: First, I got a call from a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years inviting me to his wedding in October. He wants me to read a Bible passage at the ceremony. The problem with the invitation is that, he does not believe in marriage. He’s always argued that marriage is a crazy idea and did not believe it made any sense. He still stands by his assertion and doesn’t believe a relationship is any more or less binding because the people in it sign a piece of paperwork and start wearing some fake gold rings. My cousin has continuously needed an exit strategy in every relationship I know he’s been in. He has no intention of promising anyone forever because he knows he’s not going to keep his word to any one woman.

DBM: How old is your cousin?

Evans: 47

DBM: How old are you?

Evans: 40

DBM: How old is your lady?

Evans: 35

DBM: What has your cousin’s invitation got to do with someone planning your wedding?

Evans: That’s a great question. He asked for the location to my house to deliver the suit and shoes he wants me to wear to his wedding. Have you heard such a thing before? He lives in Italy and has come to Ghana to prepare for his supposed wedding. And he buys me a wrinkle free 4-Ply wool tailored fit suit by Lanificio Ermenegildo Zegna. A Havana fit suit, Dave. Do you know how much that cost? Someone who doesn’t know my measurements can order a custom-made suit to fit me perfectly. Do you know how much a Saint Laurent Le Loafer Logo-Embellished Eel Mules cost?

DBM: I don’t know what that is

Evans: They’re shoes. The shoes he brought for me to wear to ‘his wedding’.

DBM: You don’t think you’re deserving of nice things?

Evans: That’s not the issue Dave. You have to understand who my cousin is. That guy will not even lend me 10 Euro

DBM: People change

Evans: Not that nigga.

DBM: It still does not prove a conspiracy

Evans: I asked him to tell me about his wife-to-be and he smiled for about 15 minutes. Who smiles for 15 freakin’ minutes? I’m not kidding you. He did not know how to describe his own bride to me. I called my mother to ask about my cousin’s wedding and she had a rehearsed tale to tell me. It’s like, everybody is suddenly breathing on exertion around me when I talk to them about my cousin’s wedding. My girlfriend included. She’s now signed up for a gym membership. She woke up one morning and decided she wanted to start going to the gym. What dress size is she trying to fit in, if not for a wedding dress?

DBM: You’re funny

Evans: Dave, my wife’s pastor who has never called or spoken to me before started to call and text me on the phone to discuss why every relationship has issues, struggles and conflicts. He wants to help me address these issues and make sure I don’t take them into MARRIAGE. The ‘M’ word appeared out of nowhere?

DBM: Lol! He said that? Hehehe!

Evans: Dave

DBM: Lol! Him offering pre-marital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to make you get married. Nobody can impose marriage on you.

Evans: I know that but they’re trying to protect a secret.

DBM: Tell me about yourself

Evans: Not much to know. I am caring. I have a great job. I make a good living. I am thoughtful. I am generous and kind to others. I am very smart

DBM: You seem like a great catch

Evans: Until I’m not.

DBM: How so?

Evans: I am very critical of others. I can be very condescending, sharp-tongued and demeaning. I see myself to be above ordinary. I know how to verbally abuse people. I’m not all that nice. That is why I do not want to get married.

DBM: Okay, that’s toxic. Does your girlfriend know you do not want to get married?

Evans: Not specifically

DBM: Meaning?

Evans: I can’t tell her to her face because we’re deep into the relationship. And she’s been dancing around the marriage conversation for some time. I’m not proud of the way I sometimes treat or speak to her when I am angry. I don’t think marriage will change me.

DBM: We’re all finding ways to get along on a daily basis in our marriages. People take risks to marry us. Your lady, I am certain, does not know exactly where her life is headed, but she’s let herself fall into your arms anyways. None of us had everything together when we made the decision to adapt to partnered life in a marriage.

Evans: I’m a mess, Dave

DBM: Aren’t we all?

Evans: Hmmm

DBM: Do you love her?

Evans: I love her

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she someone you call your friend?

Evans: She’s my best friend

DBM: Are you financially broke?

Evans: No

DBM: Are you purpose driven?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Do you want to be with her for the rest of your life?

Evans: Only her, you mean?

DBM: Ha! Why that question?

Evans: Because she doesn’t always fill me up, so my eyes and mind wonder a lot. I’m being honest here.

DBM: I appreciate your candor

Evans: I’ve not been faithful to her in the five years. And I’m not going to be faithful in marriage

DBM: I see

Evans: Honesty is the best policy

DBM: She doesn’t know all this I’m guessing?

Evans: No

DBM: I’ve fallen in love only three times in my life. I didn’t date around much because I did not know or understand much about myself. The third human being I ever loved is the one I am married to. Was I ready for marriage? I’d say no. But was I ready enough to want to commit to my partner in marriage? Yes. I had to at a point just stop overthinking and simply make the decision to jump into it. I went into marriage carrying three hearts in my heart. Every now and then, l think of them fondly.

Evans: You still love your exes?

DBM: I like them because they were an interesting part of my past.

Evans: You’re fucking any of them?

DBM: I am not

Evans: You talk to them?

DBM: Once in a while

Evans: I’ve been with a lot of girls but I’m in love with two at the moment. And I’m fucking all two. I’ve come to realize that one woman cannot meet all of my needs.

DBM: Whatever you choose to make the focus of your attention, you will see more of that in sight. You have trained your desire to seek validation from other women because you have concluded that one woman is never going to be enough for you. That’s why other women start to find you attractive, like magic. Is it magic? Certainly not! Ladies have always been around us. You’re only seeing them now in that light because you’re looking and waiting to be found and seen by them.

Evans: It’s in every man’s DNA if you’re going to be honest with yourself.

DBM: Imagine if every guy is choosing to invest that very same energy we spread across folks – to focus on something, one thing that we really like about the partner we’re supposed to be committed to, what wouldn’t we discover and like eventually? That is the price I believe every man pays losing a part of themselves while making another human being’s life their own.

Evans: I’m not ready for marriage.

DBM: And that’s okay. You know yourself and the deep personal issues you’re grappling with. The only problem I see here is that, you’re using her to your own advantage. You are growing and having all of your needs met. She isn’t, because one of her biggest desires is to be a wife. A step you’re clearly not ready for.

Evans: It’s not that simple

DBM: Are you happy in the relationship with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she happy with you?

Evans: I should think so. I don’t know

DBM: Marriage shouldn’t always be the end goal. Sometimes, simply finding happiness together can equally be good enough. Please be honest with her.

Evans: I’ll talk to her this week about it.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

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