Image Capturing My Imagination

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mylo: My father wasn’t that upright at responding with words of truth when my mother was having a tough time trusting his actions. He couldn’t discern her feelings to treat her with compassion. I don’t even think he loved my mother that deeply, thus his inability to be consistent with her. Those were a few of my observations looking back into my childhood. I’m an adult now and I am married with no children. And as a husband, I am very thankful and fortunate to have a woman like my wife in my life.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?

Mylo: Been married for 29 years

DBM: That’s wonderful. Anyways, hello! How are you doing?

Mylo: I’m fine David. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. How did you meet your wife?

Mylo: We were friends in primary school and had kept in touch somehow.

DBM: When did you know you were developing deeper feelings for her?

Mylo: When I was in Mfantsipim School. I was finding ways to reach out to her because I realized how devoted I was exclusively to her and the friendship we shared. She was the only image of a woman capturing my wild imaginations.

DBM: Is she still the only image capturing your imaginations?

Mylo: I have not been with any other woman since the day I knew I had fallen in love with her. I’m drawn to her like bees to honey.

DBM: But you’ve been tempted or attracted to others every now and then, no?

Mylo: David, this may come as a shock but I’ve always been committed to my wife.

DBM: Why do you think other men find it so easy to be unfaithful?

Mylo: A man decides what he wants to do. A woman doesn’t have to do anything wrong to make a man cheat. He decides not to be honest. He decides when it’s convenient to lie. He decides who to play the field with. He decides when he thinks he’s ready to marry or not. All these decisions are made by the man without the help from a woman.

DBM: So, life and marriage in general is perfect for you then?

Mylo: My marriage isn’t perfect. We have our ups and downs. She gets mad at me every now and then but she loves me. I love my wife. Even in times she’s said or done something to get on my nerves, I remind myself of how much she loves me, and that she’s not intentionally trying to hurt me. I tell myself we will get through it. And we always do.

DBM: What would you tell the single, young woman reading this conversation and thinking of getting married someday?

Mylo: Do not assume that because you want to be married at a certain age means all the men you are dating and attracted to are ready for marriage. A lot of men do not want to outgrow their single phase. Conditioning such a man to marry you only gets you a husband at home. He’s partially single when he’s out of the house.

DBM: I know a number of married men who have told me they’re cheating on their wives because they’re not getting enough sex at home. What’s your take on that?

Mylo: Sex should not threaten love. As men, we need to know how to ask our wives for intimacy, not just sex. If I’m to cheat on my wife, it’s because I choose to be selfish. I’ll either choose to be dishonest or choose not to. My inability to fully commit to my marriage and wife isn’t the doing of anyone but myself.

DBM: You have no children, you said?

Mylo: No children and it’s okay. We all can’t have it all. The life I’ve built with my wife and the happiness we’ve created in our marriage feels like all the family we’ve ever wanted. My wife is full of love and is excited about me. I’m challenged everyday to remember why I married her and the home we look forward to in our future together, even if children are not a part of it. We are living a very contented, satisfying life.

DBM: What do you say to couples out there walking in these same shoes without children?

Mylo: You cannot pull the child-card as your excuse to betray the trust your spouse has in you. Doing that simply means your reasons for marrying wasn’t love. Know the bigger vision and purpose for your marriage. The love and connection beyond what you thought you could have or want.

Image Credit: Jbsp Kox’s

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Men of Valor

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Crocks: Good morning, Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Crocks: Not bad. How are you?

DBM: I’m doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?

Crocks: I’m part of a secret society for some select elites. It’s basically like a Gentlemen’s Club sort of. It’s not your everyday normal clubs for men. It’s a membership based exclusive gathering of not more than 15 men and 15 women in a day. I don’t go there every day. At most, twice in a week for me to meet people. I’m trying to be careful with my choice of words now because we are not supposed to be discussing our society on social media.

DBM: I understand. How does one become a member?

Crocks: You have to be recommended by a member who can vouch for your standing. But our society is to a varying degree closed to outsiders.

DBM: I see. Does one pay to become a member?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: How much are we talking about?

Crocks: 5k

DBM: A month?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: To do what?

Crocks: Our meeting venue has 15 private bedrooms paired with 15 full bathrooms and two multi-generational living spaces for the entertainment of its members. It’s a space for men and women who love sex and believe pleasuring themselves is their birthright to sign up to explore themselves in curious and safe ways. Our society was created for the members to go all out in exploring the hidden pleasures around our bodies. You get where I am going with this?

DBM: I do. Hook-up joint?

Crocks: A classy and mystical version of hook-up with rules and regulations governing its operation. Members don’t drive there.

DBM: How do you get there?

Crocks: We’re picked up to and from the venue in luxury vehicles owned by the society. It prevents being tracked to the location by spouses. Majority of the male members are married. Some of the female members are married too. We’re fed if you request to be fed. There is an open bar for us to drink and hang out.

DBM: Sounds interesting

Crocks: It is.

DBM: You get to sleep over too

Crocks: Of course. But we have a 24-hour limit not to exceed.

DBM: Why did you reach out to me?

Crocks: I met someone I know in November of last year. She’s the wife of one of my close friends. She was hanging out and talking to some of the guys in the bar area. I was in shock seeing her there because she knows my wife very well.

DBM: Wait! So, you don’t go there with a female interest of your choice to hang out?

Crocks: Some men do. If you have your personal thingy you play with already, you sign her up as a member and meet on the days you meet with her. But most guys just show up to meet with random female members to hook up with.

DBM: What happened next with your friend’s wife?

Crocks: Nothing happened between us that day. She connected with another guy and they went to a room together. I called her a week later to discuss my shock seeing her there and we laughed about it. Two weeks later, she called me to give a day and time. I knew what she meant so I booked a room for that day and we met. She told me it had taken her a bit longer to decide if I would also make suitable sex partner.

DBM: Had you ever been attracted to her in that way?

Crocks: I don’t know. I hadn’t thought of her in that way. She’s a very pretty lady Dave. Physically attractive and very funny. She was desirable to me. We hooked up and became intimate. I enjoyed our time together. We started to meet once every week. I stopped showing up on other days to meet with random women because in my mind, we were building an unspoken relationship. I later got to know last week that she’s still meeting with the other guy she hooked up with the day I first saw her at the lounge on different days.

DBM: Does she know she’s in an unspoken relationship with you?

Crocks: I thought she would understand since we know each other and our families are friends. I felt it would be best to rather keep it close and safe.

DBM: Do you know why she’s a member of the group?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: Why?

Crocks: The other guy is the one paying for her membership.

DBM: Oh, I see. How long has she been a member?

Crocks: Since 2024

DBM: Ha! And, November 2025 was your first time seeing her there?

Crocks: Yes

DBM: And you want to build an exclusive relationship with her on the account of another man?

Crocks: I’m falling in love with her

DBM: Are her feelings towards you mutual?

Crocks: I don’t know

DBM: What made you join this society?

Crocks: My wife is great but I am unhappy in the marriage. I thought I had no other choice to walk out of it. I find solace being a member of this club, even if only temporary. Also, I got to meet very attractive women there. My wife isn’t ugly but there are pretty girls out there who are more attractive and eager to explore different things with a man. A satisfying sex life for a man isn’t only doggy and missionary. My desires were unmet and I had to look outside.

DBM: Why is your friend’s wife a registered member?

Crocks: I don’t know.

DBM: Ask her and come back with an update. Listen, I know you probably adore your women but they ought to frighten you too. I know a very calm, nice, soft tongue lady who is frightened by her own self. Not because these living species bleed for a week straight every month and wouldn’t die; be afraid of what you cannot see in these living creatures when you look them deep in their eyes while making out. You can never predict their real next move.

Crocks: Ok. Thanks.

Image Credit: Cottonbro studio

Love In Both Worlds

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Snow: Dave, I’m in your inbox today

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello! How are you doing?

Snow: Living the dream, Bruh. Don’t wake me up. Lol

DBM: You’re funny. Lol! Smh! What’s on your mind?

Snow: So, I read one of your conversations and it brought back some funny memories.

DBM: Which of them?

Snow: The girl having a child with her father.

DBM: Oh, okay! That’s a recent chat.

Snow: Yes

DBM: What’s funny about it?

Snow: My wife is 18 years my senior. And I had dated her daughter in the past

DBM: 18 years your senior, meaning, your wife is 18 years older than you?

Snow: Yes, but she doesn’t look her age. In fact, I look older than her if we don’t disclose our ages

DBM: How long have you been married?

Snow: 11 years

DBM: How old are you now?

Snow: 39

DBM: You dated her daughter you said?

Snow: Yeah, a long time ago. I didn’t know about her mother, though she had told me she was her mother’s only child. Her father died when she was 7years old. She was my girlfriend when she was in first year at UG Legon.

DBM: And you dated for how long?

Snow: 7 months before my graduation

DBM: And, you never met her mother during that phase of your relationship?

Snow: I didn’t.

DBM: How did you meet her mother?

Snow: 2 years after breaking up with her daughter. I applied for a job, got shortlisted and she was part of the interviewing panel.

DBM: I see

Snow: I couldn’t stop making eye contact with her when she asked me to walk her through my resume. I realized she wasn’t married because I checked that finger and we caught each other’s eyes and smiled at each other. The weirdest shit I’ve ever done in an interview.

DBM: You’re that confident, huh?

Snow: Calm and confident

DBM: Interesting

Snow: She asked only two questions. Her last question was what I could bring to the company as a demonstration of my skills in leadership. Funnily enough, I didn’t realize the others on the panel had realized I couldn’t take my eyes off my wife. Instead of answering the question, I rather was telling her how great I was at making tough decision while also listening to my woman and being willing to admit to her when I am wrong. I told her I would include my woman in imagining the future. I also said we would discuss household responsibilities together and make sure they are fairly dispersed. I made her understand that I was going to always consult with her on all major financing decisions. I made her know I was going to follow through with any commitment I would make to her, etc. Dave, it was crazy

DBM: Wait, what was her question again?

Snow: Lol. I didn’t get hired.

DBM: I figured. Lol!

Snow: But they had a good laugh. They told me point blank that I wasn’t going to get the job but asked if I had any questions for the panel. I turned to my wife and asked if she was single

DBM: For real?

Snow: True story Dave. I asked for her number when she confirmed being single. A member of the panel asked if I knew her age. She told me her age and I was in shock. I held on to her number for couple of weeks to think through my feelings before finally giving her a call to ask her out on a date. We realized how deep our connection was. It was beyond sexual attraction.

DBM: Wow! What happened next?

Snow: I fell in love with her eventually and we’ve remained best friends and lovers ever since.

DBM: Has it been an easy relationship and marriage?

Snow: It’s been one struggle after the other but we’re still managing through it. I fell in love with my wife that fast and I love her even harder today.

DBM: The age gap, I mean, is a bit yawning. Were you not concerned about what the outside world would perceive of you?

Snow: My wife actually wanted me to marry someone my age bracket and have children but I was in love and didn’t see why I couldn’t be with her.

DBM: The conversation about her daughter, how did it begin?

Snow: Dave, that is a long story to be told for another day. Lol

DBM: Not even a bit of tea? Lol!

Snow: She showed me a picture of her daughter on our first date and she noticed my discomfort. I told her the truth and it was an awkward night afterwards. She didn’t speak to me for weeks. I called her daughter and explained the coincidence to her and she burst into laughter. I later came to find out she had reached out to her mother to tell her what a good guy I was.

DBM: Are you a good guy?

Snow: I am a wonderful husband to my wife and friend to my step daughter.

DBM: Whom you used to fuck

Snow: I’ve had a taste of both worlds but life goes on.

DBM: How did your relationship with her daughter end on campus?

Snow: She was messing around with another guy. I ended it between us.

DBM: I see. Some of your age mates are campaigning rigorously for men to only go for girls under the age of 30. What’s your take on that?

Snow: The fact is that, women over 30 know quite a lot about men because of their experiences with men in their pasts. They know we cheat and mostly are all for the hook up; we lie, we ghost and would assault if given the chance. They know when not to trust a man at the tipping point of their patience. An under 30 girl tolerates almost anything mediocre so far as there is something monetary to gain.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife with another woman?

Snow: No

DBM; Do you think younger men ought to consider pursuing older women?

Snow: Dave, love can be found in unexpected places and more often than not. It’s all about respect and honor. A man will not disappoint or betray his love for you if he respects and honors you. This is my best relationship so far, though it looks nothing like what I used to imagine for myself when I was young. My love feels right though unconventional. We understand each other and we compromise for each other.

DBM: Well said!

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

My Father’s Son

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Maryam: I fell in love and got pregnant for a man who we later found out is my father.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh!

Maryam: Yes

DBM: How are you doing?

Maryam: I’m fine today

DBM: How old are you?

Maryam: 27

DBM: You grew up not knowing who your father was?

Maryam: My mother was 18 years old when she got pregnant with me. She was involved with my father for a month and she never got to see him again.

DBM: How so?

Maryam: She couldn’t really explain the full story. They were meeting to hook up for that month in a guest house. She didn’t know where he lived or worked. All she knew was his first name and what he looked like.

DBM: Did he know about the pregnancy?

Maryam: No

DBM: What was his reason for disappearing on your mom?

Maryam: He had been transferred to the North, and was in the process of packing out when he met my mother. He remembers casually meeting with several women to have fun with and wasn’t particularly thinking any of them could get pregnant.

DBM; So, it wasn’t an exclusive something with your mother?

Maryam: Not according to him.

DBM: But he knew your mother’s name, no?

Maryam: Vaguely, but he remembered her face when he saw a picture of her.

DBM: Ha!

Maryam: I gave birth to my own brother.

DBM: You carried the pregnancy to term?

Maryam: I was in my 32 – 33ish weeks’ gestation. It couldn’t have been aborted

DBM: I see. How did you meet?

Maryam: In traffic. He gave me a lift home after work, and he pursued me afterwards.

DBM: You’re single?

Maryam: Yes

DBM: I’m guessing he’s a single man too, no?

Maryam: He’s married

DBM: You knew of his marital status before or after your first intimate encounter?

Maryam: After

DBM: I see. And, how long have you two been an item?

Maryam: We met on February 11th, 2025

DBM: How long has he been married to his wife?

Maryam: 12 years

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Maryam: I’m not sure Dave. I feel hurt and heartbroken. It’s disappointing and devastating to say the least.

DBM: Do you love him?

Maryam: I am in love with him. He’s the gentlest, most emotionally available, kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

DBM: Does he love you?

Maryam: I don’t know, but I knew I was falling in love with him when I realized how often he would call me every evening, wanting to share details about his day with me, and wanting to know about mine.

DBM: How did you find out he was your dad?

Maryam: I visited my mother to inform her about my pregnancy. She wanted to know about the father of the child. I showed her pictures of him.

DBM: How old is your dad?

Maryam: In his late 40’s

DBM: How does he feel about everything happening?

Maryam: We’re still trying to figure out whatever this situation is

DBM: How is your mother processing everything that has happened?

Maryam: She’s trying not to venture into the land of self-pity

DBM: Are you still being intimate with this guy?

Maryam: No, but he visits me at home every day. He’s taken over the full responsibility as a father should, to his son.

DBM: What is your mother’s relationship with him now like?

Maryam: She has no relationship with him. They’ve talked only once, after introducing them.

DBM: Is your mother married?

Maryam: Yes.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

Friend Is Benefit (Update)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, can I give an update please? I am not close friends with my best friend’s wife but she knows about me. I was invited to their wedding. The many times I’ve met with him for lunch or dinner, his wife knew. The same way I inform my husband when it’s those two days in a month lunch or dinner meetings. We stay out for only three hours before returning to our homes. These are rules we laid down when he got married. Dave, this is a man who loves being married to his wife. Anytime he feels like talking about her, you can see from his expression how he seeks to only serve and meet the needs of his wife in love, and not out of obligation like my husband does with me.

He goes home on time after our three hours lunch out. When I tell my husband I am going to be home at a specific time after meeting with my friend, I am home at that exact time. When we are out and his wife calls, he answers the phone. He has passed on his phone to me to say hello to her many times. She’s always asking if he’s treating me right and being a gentleman. Sometimes, we talk on phone for more than 30 minutes, discussing her husband. She’s invited me to her home many times but my husband declines to join, so I end up cancelling and giving excuses all the time. His wife is open to knowing me and my family. My husband is not interested in knowing them.

I’ve been reading the comments under our chat and I understand that people will doubt my friendship with this guy but his wife is highest priority in his life. He and his wife go on dates every week, he’s always pursuing her even after being married to her for this long. Things that are import to his wife are important to him. He’s asked me a couple of times for ideas on what a woman would like for her birthday or Valentine’s Day. He remembers their wedding anniversaries and is always planning surprises for her. My husband doesn’t remember my birthday until I am celebrating myself on social media. He doesn’t remember our wedding anniversary till I bring it up. But hey, who is comparing? I cannot even complain because that is what I got. And it is this same friend who has been encouraging me to be content with what I have for a husband.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Can I ask a personal question?

Jaisha: You can

DBM: What about him, makes you want to give six hours of your time every month to be in his presence?

Jaisha: I learn from him. I learn from his marriage. And I am learning how to properly love my husband through another man’s perspective.

DBM: In your opinion, what does he think a man is supposed to be doing to make his partner feel valued?

Jaisha: He’s told me he is the type always inquiring from his wife to know what he can do to be of assistance to her at home. He is responsive to her needs at all times. He helps her at home, and his wife has testified to that. The way he talks about her in public is honoring. When he’s home from work, his attention is on his wife and children alone. He wouldn’t be on his phone or be watching TV while she is cooking. He joins her in the kitchen to help or talk. His wife has confirmed this to me. And as the head of their family, he leads them through prayer. He is the spiritual leader of their home. He was telling me last month that, though he knows he’s been called as a husband to lead his family, he’s also been called to serve and sacrifice for them. He believes he’s been called to serve his wife.

DBM: Did your husband read our chat?

Jaisha: He did.

DBM: What did he say?

Jaisha: He said nothing. I told my friend to also read. He shared our conversation also with his wife. I think my husband is in shock about the Ghs 2,500 monthly gesture during his unemployment.

DBM: If your husband were to have a female bestie, he spent quality time with, would you be okay with that?

Jaisha: Provided that friendship doesn’t lack integrity, I would be okay with the idea of him having another world out there to inspire him. I will not be jealous of his friends if he’s transparent as I am with him.

DBM: Thank you for this update.

Image Credit: Joshuamckn

Friend Is Benefit

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jaisha: Dave, let’s discuss friendship

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh, cool! Great subject

Jaisha: Are you a good friend to your close friends?

DBM: I would categorize myself as an ‘okay’ friend.

Jaisha: What does that mean?

DBM: Meaning, I’m there but would hardly drive the relationship.

Jaisha: In short, you’re a bad friend?

DBM: I am not a ‘bad’ friend. I’m just bad at being intentional at holding the emotional currency that sustains friendship.

Jaisha: So, you don’t put in the required effort. Is that what you’re saying?

DBM: Something like that. It’s not the best of excuse but I don’t know how to make tangible and meaningful deposits in a friendship. I’m always the withdrawn one from the equation.

Jaisha: You don’t like people?

DBM: I like people from afar. I love on and care about people from a distance. But I have always been the listening ear and conversation in times that they need someone to uplift them. I wouldn’t hang out necessarily with them, but I can be present when it’s that crucial time to be there for them to feel understood and comforted.

Jaisha: Do you have a best friend?

DBM: Yes, I do. She’s a crazy-fun lady. I love her dearly.

Jaisha: Have you slept with her before?

DBM: Eish! Why all these questions?

Jaisha: I will be sharing my story soon. I just need a little bit of context to my story

DBM: Lol! I see. No, we have not extended our friendship to the intercourse phase.

Jaisha: Will it or can it ever get there?

DBM: The love we share is like the brother/sister vibe. Nothing sexual

Jaisha: But you talk about sex?

DBM: As a general topic, yes.

Jaisha: My best friend is a married man. His best friend is a married woman, me.

DBM: Okay?

Jaisha: And my husband does not understand why I keep a married man in my life as my best friend.

DBM: Have you clarified his confusion?

Jaisha: I have tried but he’s not buying it. The two instances he’s seen us having lunch together, my friend didn’t have his wedding ring on. I didn’t even notice it. My husband drew my attention to it in an argument at home. My husband has started reading meanings into it.

DBM: How long have you known your friend?

Jaisha: 17 years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

Jaisha: 10 years. We’ve been married for nine years.

DBM: Are you and your friend, without fail, looking for a chance or the right opportunity to fuck each other?

Jaisha: No, Dave. It hasn’t even crossed my mind.

DBM: You haven’t flirted, fucked, kissed or touched each other inappropriately in the past 17 years?

Jaisha: We have not. But we hug each other when we meet up.

DBM: How often do you meet up?

Jaisha: Twice in a month for lunch or dinner. We have a lot of fun hanging out talking.

DBM: And, how often are you out on a date with your husband in a month?

Jaisha: Dave, my husband is not the romantic type. He’s not interested in doing anything outside the ordinary to enhance intimacy and build on our connection.

DBM: But he’s affectionate, no?

Jaisha: Sometimes he is. I can’t complain

DBM: Is his love for you shown or hidden?

Jaisha: The love is there. I see it in his actions and commitment

DBM: How long has your friend been married?

Jaisha: 11 years or almost 11 years.

DBM: Have you ever found him attractive?

Jaisha: Of course. He’s a very handsome man

DBM: Does he find you attractive?

Jaisha: I should think so. I am a chic chick

DBM: And did you ever attempt pursuing one another when you both used to be single and available?

Jaisha: No

DBM: Why not?

Jaisha: Our friendship means something to us.

DBM: Define your friendship with him.

Jaisha: Let me tell you why I like him instead. He is a very smart man. I learn a lot from him. He is the funniest guy I have ever met. He is enthusiastic and very caring. He’s that energy you want to hang out with to clear your mind. He is a decent, honorable man

DBM: How did you meet?

Jaisha: We met at a conference. I made a presentation and he was impressed. He made his presentation and I was in awe of him and his ideas. When the conference wrapped up, he approached and asked if we could be friends. I said yes, and he invited me out the following week for a drink. We have been best friends since. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Do you enjoy being married to your husband?

Jaisha: I love my husband. Four years ago, I could have said I would choose him over and over again but he betrayed my trust in him, and I’m not sure I’m 100% all into him.

DBM: What did he do?

Jaisha: He had an affair with another woman

DBM: What was his reason for the betrayal?

Jaisha: He could not believe that a beautiful woman could be friends with a rich, handsome man and not be sexual with him.

DBM: Even after telling him there were no boundaries being crossed in your friendship?

Jaisha: My husband runs with any excuse to act up

DBM: A mature man or woman should be able to honor healthy boundaries with the opposite sex whether or not they’re sexually attracted to them. I’m curious to know what your husband’s ideas are on what it means to be a man. Is he the type that feels he needs to win at all cost?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: The type to want to propose all the important rules in his relationship with a woman?

Jaisha: Pretty much

DBM: Wants to make all the money and can sleep with whomever at any time?

Jaisha: That is his argument with his fellow guys

DBM: Does he cry or show emotion or weakness?

Jaisha: Infrequently

DBM: These immature kinds often are slaves to their sexual energies and toxic masculinity exuberances.

Jaisha: My husband wants me to choose between him and my friend.

DBM: That’s not fair

Jaisha: I am doing no such thing.

DBM: You’re willing to lose your marriage over a friendship?

Jaisha: No Dave. I am willing to let an insecure man easily go.

DBM: Interesting.

Jaisha: My husband lost his job a couple of years ago. Do you know who was giving me a monthly support allowance of Ghs 2,500 to be given to him?

DBM: Your friend?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: Does your husband know this?

Jaisha: He will find out today through our conversation, since I told him I will be having a chat with you about our situation. My friend told me not to let him know he was the one supporting him because he didn’t want him to feel his ego has been bruised.

DBM: So, your husband was of the impression that you were the one giving him the stipend?

Jaisha: Yes

DBM: How long was he unemployed?

Jaisha: A year and four months.

DBM: And your friend was supporting him financially every month?

Jaisha: Yes.

DBM: That is a good man

Jaisha: He is an awesome friend everyone should have in their corner. He talked me into giving my husband a second chance when he cheated on me. He is the reason I forgave his affair and still stayed in the marriage.

DBM: That’s kind of you. I think your husband is projecting his lifestyle outside of the home on you. He thinks you’re doing what he has always been up to, sleeping around.

Jaisha: This thing called married…

DBM: I know, right! Choosing to do right by your marriage and spouse is still your choice. I wake up every day reminding myself that, making my marriage work isn’t going to be dependent on my partner and me making the effort. I as an individual should be intentional to want to save or make my marriage a success on my own. I contribute my strength and the other contributes theirs. In the end, we both show each other how to open our hearts and connect it to each other.

Jaisha: I am doing the best I can till he gives me another good reason to stop.

Image Credit: Joshua Mcknight 

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Anna: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Anna: Not fine

DBM: What would make your day a bit fine?

Anna: I’m not sure at the moment

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Anna: I am being tempted to harm my husband. I want to hurt him so bad

DBM: We are not going to do that

Anna: Dave, if I am to tell you what he’s done

DBM: We’re still not going on that evil route. What will make you not execute that thought?

Anna: If I’m out of the house

DBM: Great! So, that’s what we’re going to plan. Are you open to that?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You have children?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: How old?

Anna: 7 and 9

DBM: Do you work?

Anna: Yes

DBM: What is your relationship like with your employer?

Anna: We’ve developed a meaningful one

DBM: Okay! Do you have a car?

Anna: I do

DBM: Do you have a personal rainy-day fund set aside for emergencies?

Anna: I have a personal savings account.

DBM: That your husband doesn’t know of?

Anna: Yes

DBM: You’re a smart woman. Marriage can be very complicated; reasons why I hope every woman would maintain a separate bank account even after opening a joint one with their partners for shared bills and other household purchases. You maintain that sense of financial independence. You also feel empowered, knowing you have claims to your own money.

Anna: I agree with you

DBM: How many days do you think you would need to clear your head?

Anna: Three weeks. Maybe, a month. I don’t know

DBM: Do you have the perfect excuse in your head that you feel your employers can buy into – to give you days off?

Anna: Not really. I don’t want to discuss my marital issues with people I know

DBM: Understood. Do you have any medical doctor friends?

Anna: I know of two

DBM: Two that you are close to?

Anna: I am very close to one. The other is just a friend of a friend.

DBM: Would the one you’re close to be willing to authenticate a report or note to excuse you from work for a month?

Anna: She would want to know why I need a fake report for work

DBM: Can you trust her with your problems?

Anna: Maybe.

DBM: You’re considering harming your husband. That is a mental health issue. At least, you know what you’re working with. Help her find reason in supporting your claim for a month off-work. She can come up with the perfect note to address the burnout you’re currently feeling.

Anna: Ok

DBM: Everything is going to be alright

Anna: How do you know?

DBM: I just know.

Anna: I was really going to poison his drink or meal. He would have been placed in a medically induced coma and never woken up from it. My husband has broken my heart, Dave, and I am willing to make his heart stop.

DBM: But how are you able to get your hands on such chemicals?

Anna: A friend of mine who is a nurse gave me options to choose from. They know the types of solutions to use for these kinds of assignments to remove the brute strength of a toxic, philandering man from the equation. And it can be difficult to detect their cause of death.

DBM: I see. If you’re able to secure a date for your one-month absence from work, where do you intend to go?

Anna: I’m not even sure. Maybe the Volta or Western Regions. I also have a visa to travel to two countries. I could choose that option.

DBM: Perfect. So, two or three days before you leave, cook as much food for the house. Store your soups and stews in the freezer. Prepare enough sauces, stews and soups to last for at least, three weeks. Fry or grill enough proteins to accompany the sauces. Your husband can cook rice, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Make food present at home in your absence.

Anna: I will do that.

DBM: Do their laundry before leaving. Including that of your husband’s

Anna: David, you’re asking too much of me

DBM: He is your husband

Anna: I do not consider him as my husband anymore

DBM: But legally, he is, no?

Anna: Yes

DBM: He is your husband. You will do his laundry too. And if possible, iron his clothes for work.

Anna: I will think about that.

DBM: You’d have to do a general cleaning of the house. Leave the house in a clean state.

Anna: I will try. I want to take the kids along

DBM: No! You’re leaving them behind

Anna: I can’t do that

DBM: You can and you will. Your mind and soul need a holiday. This is the perfect opportunity to stop doing for others, so you can delight yourself and best interest instead. Your children fall in the category of ‘others’. It’s time to enjoy your own good company. This should also help you to put your marriage on a plate to see if it’s really over. You will see more clearly and hear your inner witness more keenly. You will know the truth and the truth will set your heart at peace.

Anna: It’s the leaving my children behind part that is unsettling.

DBM: Is your husband a good father to his children?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you believe he knows what is good for his children and would act accordingly?

Anna: Yes

DBM: Do you trust that he has the well-being of his own children at heart?

Anna: Yes

DBM: And do your children know that no matter what you will do or have done, there is nothing in this world that would diminish your love for them?

Anna: I think so

DBM: Great! So, you are doing this without your children, no?

Anna: Yes.

DBM: Before you leave that day, write a simple note on a piece of paper. Lay your matrimonial bed and leave the note on top of it. You don’t need to detail the specifics of your decision to be absent from home for whatever number of days. Just let him know you need a bit of space between the two of you. Indicate when you’re returning and also tell him about the numerous dishes you’ve prepared for them in storage. Take a picture of the note on the bed and take pictures also of all the meals you will prepare and store. Some men can lie just to throw you under the bus. Have proof on your phone in case he decides to lie to family and friends about you leaving the children behind without food. He will also tell people you left without telling him.

Anna: Thank you, David.

Image Credit: Abstract Photos

In The Wrong

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Riri: Dave, I need your opinion. Make it as honest and brutal as possible

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): I’m all ears

Riri: My husband is or was in a sexual relationship with a girl who is our daughter’s age.

DBM: How old is your daughter?

Riri: 16. She turns 17 in September

DBM: How old is your husband?

Riri: 43

DBM: How long have you been married?

Riri: Almost two decades

DBM: “Is or was in a sexual relationship…” which is which?

Riri: Because I am just finding out about their relationship

DBM: How long ago since finding out?

Riri: Three weeks

DBM: How did you find out?

Riri: The girl is one of our daughter’s friends. They’re not best friends. They’re not close friends. They’re just friends. The first time she came to this house was on our daughter’s 15th birthday. She looked way mature for her age. She’s also very beautiful and classy. These were just my initial observations of her. I caught my husband sizing her up at the party but didn’t make a big deal out of it because I didn’t think he could be interested in someone our daughter’s age. Last year, my daughter told me her friend uses the latest iPhone. My husband uses the latest iPhone too, the exact type she uses. He was asleep one dawn when a notification on his phone drew my attention to it. It was from the girl. I unlocked it on his face and went through their conversations. They’re sleeping together. He’s giving her money, gifts etc. Dave, the sad pert is we know her parents. We aren’t close with them but we know them.

DBM: Your husband is violating this child. That is a crime; you know that, no?

Riri: I know

DBM: And, have you reported him to the police?

Riri: No

DBM: Have you informed the parents of this child?

Riri: No

DBM: Why not?

Riri: It’s the embarrassment and public humiliation I am trying to protect my family from. I can’t tell anybody about this.

DBM: But you’re telling me

Riri: I have a question

DBM: What?

Riri: Is it really abuse?

DBM: Why that question?

Riri: I am asking because when I look back and place myself in her shoes at that same age, I was a baddie myself. I was in a relationship with an older man.

DBM: Are you comfortable with the idea of a man your husband’s age sleeping with your daughter?

Riri: No

DBM: You cannot and will not excuse bad behavior.

Riri: Sorry

DBM: You being in the known is actually the first step in helping to put an end to the silence and shame, denial and even the confusion that is making you want to entertain and allow child sexual abuse of this magnitude to be occurring right under your nose at home.

Riri: I’m finding it difficult to use the legal route because of my own experience at that age.

DBM: You just told me you wouldn’t let a man get away with abusing your daughter at this young age, no?

Riri: Yes

DBM: Why are you excusing your husband’s behavior? Or because she’s not your daughter?  Any form of sexual activity between an adult and a child is abuse of power and trust. And, that is illegal.

Riri: I’ve got to go Dave. Let’s talk later.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto 

Love Is Not Always A Choice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Zion: Before I got married to my wife, she was my mother’s favorite hairdresser. My mother lived with me 22 years ago. No hairdresser in our area could fulfill my mum’s enormous hair goals. She expected me to always drive her to the saloon, pay her hairdresser and then later pick her back home. The two times she forced me to walk her into the saloon so she could introduce me to the single women working there, her favorite hairdresser was absent. I met beautiful ladies though, and got to hear interesting stories about their lives and why they would make perfect wives. By the way, my mother’s favorite hairdresser was then married. My mum asked me to drive her to a friend’s house one weekend, and it just happened to be my wife’s home. She had missed two bookings with my mother and she was worried something could be wrong with her. We got to her house and she informed us about her struggle with cancer. She could not adjust to the changes cancer brought to her life because she did not have a strong emotional support. Her husband wasn’t often present at home.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good evening. How are you doing?

Zion: I am fine, David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. This is a sad story

Zion: It’s not a sad story.

DBM: It’s not?

Zion: Let me tell you what happened next. My mother started to make regular but short visits to her, and of course, I was the one always driving her to and fro. One thing I found striking about my wife was her ability to still be cheerful and would say funny things to make us laugh, even though she was in great pain. On one of those visits to her house, we were greeted with sad news. Her husband had been involved in a vehicular accident and had lost his life. His pregnant girlfriend survived the accident.

DBM: Pregnant girlfriend?

Zion: Dave, not every marriage is strong enough to survive a cancer diagnosis. My wife was telling us about the additional pressure and the distress her diagnosis had on her marriage with her late husband. It was a difficult challenge for him to navigate. She was telling my mother her inability to engage in sex with her late husband was due to the dryness in her vagina.

DBM: But is intimacy all about intercourse?

Zion: What counts as sex for you?

DBM: Sex to me should be any creative activity that is pleasurable enough to connect me to my partner emotionally.

Zion: Example?

DBM: I know how to give a good massage that can release me off stress.

Zion: Two weeks after her husband’s burial, my mother asked me to drive her to her chemotherapy treatment. We had an hour and half long meeting with her doctor. She had been struggling with the side effects of the medications and the procedure. It was a tough call but I was willing to be there for her.

DBM: Why?

Zion: At first, it was for my mother’s sake but later I became fond of her. I fell in love with her.

DBM: Did she have any children?

Zion: No.

DBM: How long after her husband’s burial before falling in love?

Zion: Exactly three weeks.

DBM: You could fall in love that quickly?

Zion: I didn’t have any desire for her to love me back. Loving her was good enough for me to be there for her. And I was willing to love her even through the cancer.

DBM: When did you know you were in love?

Zion: The day I decided to take six months off work to support her at home. I had no reason to do that but I did it. Loving someone isn’t a choice you make. It’s something you just do because you rejoice in it. It didn’t make sense to my mother. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone.

DBM: Was she also in love with you?

Zion: She didn’t have to, Dave. I was willing to be the only one in that situationship to be having her best interest at heart. What I felt for my wife was willing to endure cancer with her. I was willing to share her pain and grief. I am still persisting against all odds 20 years later.

DBM: That’s how long you’ve been married?

Zion: Yes.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

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