Let’s Talk To Ayitey
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 29: Ayitey
DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself
Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.
DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?
Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single
DBM: Is she on treatment?
Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.
DBM: I am sorry about that
Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.
DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.
Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering
DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.
Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.
DBM: How long have you been married?
Ayitey: 10 years
DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?
Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family
DBM: Do you still love your wife?
Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this
DBM: How do you feel about her now?
Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help
DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?
Ayitey: I don’t know
DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?
Ayitey: Not so much
DBM: Why is that?
Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.
DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.
Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised
DBM: It’s not about taking sides
Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants
DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?
Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well
DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.
Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think
DBM: Simplify it for me then?
Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her
DBM: For how long now?
Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022
DBM: When was the last time you had sex?
Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife
DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?
Ayitey: It is
DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?
Ayitey: On Sunday
DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?
Ayitey: Yes!
DBM: When?
Ayitey: Lol! Saturday
DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?
Ayitey: Why all these questions?
DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.
Ayitey: Thursday
DBM: With whom?
Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.
DBM: But is it with the same person?
Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.
DBM: I will respect that.
Ayitey: Okay!
DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?
Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her
DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?
Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me
DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?
Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything
DBM: Everything like what?
Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?
DBM: Tell me
Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.
DBM: Does she love you?
Ayitey: I think so.
DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?
Ayitey: She does
DBM: What does she say about it?
Ayitey: We don’t discuss it
DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?
Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.
DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?
Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.
DBM: Why did you marry her?
Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.
DBM: Was?
Ayitey: Am I a bad person?
DBM: Are you a bad person?
Ayitey: I don’t think so.
DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?
Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.
DBM: Do you feel better now?
Ayitey: I don’t know what to do
DBM: You have children with your wife?
Ayitey: I do.
DBM: How old are they?
Ayitey: 9 and 7
DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?
Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.
DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.
Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.
DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything
Ayitey: They will be fine
DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?
Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.
DBM: Okay!
Image Credit: Nicola Barts
Alicey
Pls I want to know what if the tables turn how would he like to be treated?
Kristiana
Eiiiii….the heart of a man!!
Jennifer
How would he feel if it was the other way round?
Raymond
Ayitey doesn’t seem to be concerned about the wife predicament. He has just abandoned her and chilling with another woman. He is here pretending to justify why he went in for another woman. If you truly love your wife, you will surely find a way to lessen her pain.
Indira
He said he doesn’t love her anymore, he never did and only married her for her beauty. The cancer only took the mask off. Smh…
NARTEY BELLA
Ayitey or whatever, you are selfish, wicked and so heartless. It’s like you wish she dies for you to have your way completely but the merciful God will see her through. Chai! This is the time your wife needs you most. 😢
her dead
Frederick Nyaho
Palliative care is the treatment option to help both the patient and their family to improve their quality of life (QoL). The 4 dimensions of palliative care: physical, psychological, social, and spiritual, will be well-taken care of. Distressing symptoms such as nausea and vomiting will also be relieved. She is going through a lot and she needs you in this difficult time to prevent the ‘feelings of abandonment’. Kindly get her primary care physician to make a referral to Korle Bu Polyclinic, Palliative Care clinic (if you are in Accra), or to Komfo Anokye Teaching Hospital, Palliative Care clinic (in case you are in Kumasi).
Genevieve
You are right. Palliative care is available at Korle Bu. We had same for our mum till her demise.
It is heartbreaking to see the husband behave this way.
Beatrice
Hmmm, he wants the wife out of his life so that he can marry this other woman. I don’t wish him bad but how would he want to be treated if he finds himself there?
Efya
Men never cease to amaze and surprise us Eii!!
Nanni
Ayitey you are so heartless to be a husband to someone. Ask urself if tables are to turn and u are been treated this way will you be pleased. I pray the good Lord strength ur wife to get healed and multiply her disease in hundred folds for you and also harden your wife’s heart to make her treat you as you did to her.
Naa Adaku
Your wife obviously knows you are cheating. You even admit you have fallen in love with another woman, this should at least ease the hate and disgust you feel about your own wife with whom you spent 10 good and joyful years with. Just look at her as a stranger in need. I don’t think you have lost all the human sympathy you came on earth with. Put on the adult cap, think and behave as such. Tomorrow is mystery…
Adwoa
Someone told me men can marry out of soo many reasons aside “LOVE” this is to confirm the truth. Courtesy of Ayitey, I now agree with that person.
It’s just a sad world🥺😓
Shebahalm1
Wow this just gave me goosebumps….
Beatrice
Ayitey it is not too late to start showing your wife some love and care.dont say it doesn’t worth it.it really does. And mind you how you treat your wife,your kids are watching. Don’t let them refer you in future.
Rama
Hmmm… So sad.. May the Almighty God come in for the lady and may the heart of the man change for the better.
Mame
I think the gentleman is unconsciously self center… a little empathy for wife and children will help a lot!
Akosua
When you love someone their pain is your pain.
No one knows tomorrow Ayitey. Ask yourself if you find yourself in the same situation as your wife, will the new woman accommodate you?
Think carefully before it’s late because we reap what we sow please
Lady Ela
Is he for real ? Oh my goodness
He doesn’t seem to care about his wife…. Okay what if the table had turned the other way., How would he feel if the wife was treating him this way hmmm
Gertrude
This is really sad. Ayitey should rethink his decision before it is too late. And the kids, hmmm
Nafy
Lord please deliver us from ending up with mem like Ayitey🙏.. Wish his wife a speedy recovery and for her to see what he feels and says about her so she can leave to live🙏❣.. Ayitey should however know that in this spherical world, what goes around comes around.
Adrian
I do understand people attacking Ayitey but trust me Ayitey also needs help (psychological)just as the children which our health care Services fails to render to family members of patients with such special conditions
Liver
Dude is a coward chale
Stacey
Wow! Just wow!!
Fear men and live long!
Liver
This is a proper coward. One who doesn’t want to have uncomfortable discussions or face confrontations….. You can’t talk to your own kids with a lame excuse that “they won’t understand”, at age 9? Dude man up!!!!
Frankie
This guy is a fucking loser, pardon my language, Dave! He needed an outlet for the guilt eating away at his conscience. He had hoped for you to validate his actions of infidelity, henceforth his statement about you always “supporting women.” Such a sorry excuse of a man.