Tag: Change

Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Omari: Hello David. I hope you are fine? I am a silent follower and a big fan of your page. I do not always agree with the way you sometimes think, but I like you for that same reason. I’ve been married to my good luck of a wife for 23 years. When I met her, I was living on way less than I ever thought a poor man could survive on. I was aware of everything I lacked in life and that broke my confidence. I was in my little corner, avoiding people as usual when I met my wife. Everything about her overwhelmed me but she was one of the very few people I thought were worth keeping around because she saw only the best in me.

The types of guys who were interested in her were people who looked and smelled good. There was hope in their future, and they had money to spend. Being uncertain about my future was exhausting and depressing. The man I wanted to become before settling down wasn’t the disappointed I felt I had become. Hurt and confusion were some of the mixed emotions I battled with. I was ashamed of myself but my wife wasn’t. She believed in me. She prayed for me. She loved me. She saw me. We met by chance and it was at a time when I doubted whether I was cut for love. She showed me that I was worthy of her time and attention. She understood my situation and loved me through that phase of my life.

We eventually got married. She got pregnant with our first child, a boy. Before he turned one year old, he said his first words in six separate days to just me. It was a Saturday morning, 2:25 AM. He wouldn’t stop crying and his mother was tired and deep in her sleep. I got up to go pick him up from his room. The moment he set those dreamy eyes on me, he smiled and said, “Dada”. It was a big milestone because his mother and I had been wondering and waiting to know what his first word would be. When my wife woke up, I bragged about it and wanted the child to repeat his first words again but he said nothing. He went back to his toddler language, babbling and crying through his fumbled speech.

Sunday morning, 2:25 AM, he was crying again. His mother was fast asleep and I had to go and get him. He saw me enter his room and he smiled. “Dada, Mama”. It was weird. He didn’t repeat those words again during the day. Monday, 2:25 AM, he started to cry. I had to sleep because I had to go to work in few hours. He wouldn’t stop crying. My wife wouldn’t wake up to attend to him. I got to his room, and he beams with laughter, “Dada, Mama, Isss…”. He wouldn’t say anything else again for the rest of the day. Dave, it was at this point that I felt in my spirit that God had a message for me through my son. I looked forward to the next dawn. I slept in his room and woke myself up at 2:00 AM. 25 minutes after I had woken up, he wakes up and smiles after seeing me. ‘Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa…”

The following dawn, I got up again, next to him in his room. Same time, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa Ghud…”. On the sixth day, same routine. I had to sleep in his room. He wakes up to my presence and he laughs, “Dada. Mama. Isss. Yaaa. Ghud. Laak.”

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No way!

Omari: I kid you not, David. He didn’t wake up to speak to me again after delivering his message. His routine went back to normal. It was when he was 18 months old that his mother started to hear him typically start to use words more purposefully around her. Like, ‘ball, come, no, yes’ etc.

DBM: Oh my!

Omari: When I got married to my wife, things started happening for my good. Opportunities started opening and coming my way. Initially, I thought it was my own doing and hard work. But after my son’s message to me, I had to look back and appreciate who had been encouraging and praying for me to free myself from the self-imposed limitations I had been placing on myself. It was my wife. I had so much doubt in my mind but she chose to believe in me, so I could believe in myself and persist no matter what. Wonderful things started to happen to me. I began to see success in my career. I started to feel happy for the first time in my life.

DBM: I’m really happy for you.

Omari: Yeah, but I changed along the way.

DBM: How so?

Omari: Dave, I was hitting my career goals. My financial goals were papping. My life goals were being achieved, year after year.

DBM: Let me guess!

Omari: It happened a couple of times. I started to find problems with everything she did. I was no longer content with just her. I broke her heart. I made her feel alone in the marriage. I started lying to her and cheating. I became cold towards her. I became distant, loveless, etc.

DBM: But why?

Omari: Money changes men. I forgot about how she used to take care of me when I had nothing. My wife practically gave me her all when I had nothing to my name. She supported me in ways I had never experienced before. She was my goddamn helpmate but what happened after my levels had changed? She got cheated on. And I remained to be the dog that incessantly pissed on her favorite rug. And because I knew she loved me so much and wanted our marriage to work, she would clean up the rug every time I pissed on it.

DBM: How long were you in your feels – in this phase of your life?

Omari: Three years

DBM: What happened next?

Omari: My wife stopped loving me. The worst version of me had been waiting to be set free, only for me to lose it all again. I was involved in a car accident when I was on a trip with one of my girlfriend’s outside of Accra. She died in my car. She was pregnant with my child and I didn’t even know. She’s Fante. Her family put me through hell. Mind you, I was bedridden for three months after the accident but her family didn’t care. They tormented me. I was forced to marry her corpse before her burial. I went through the whole process of knocking and presentation of drinks with my family. Dowry, name it. I put a ring on her dead finger. And I was in wheelchair doing all this. Every penny I had worked for and saved, their family took it through bills, charges, compensation, etc.

DBM: Where was your wife?

Omari: At home. She said nothing. She just focused on the children and her job. I couldn’t even complain, after everything I had put her through. My brother took me to the house I had rented for my other girlfriend, and she nursed me for two months only. She couldn’t babysit me again. She said she had her own life to live because she was a young girl. She told me I needed to go back home to my wife. She drove me to the house and left me behind the gate, after ringing the bell. The gateman carried me to the house. My son was seven years old at this time. He was playing with his sister when I was brought in. He looked at me with a disappointing stare. My daughter was happy to see me of course, but he wasn’t. I asked them where their mother was, and these were his exact response to me, “Daddy, your good luck left”.

DBM: Oh my! I have totally forgotten about that part. “Dada. Mama. Is. Ya. Gud. Lak.”

Omari: Yes. It all came back to me. Dave, I had to repent. I had to change. My good luck no longer was willing to tolerate and enable my bad behavior. I had to occasionally say ‘no’ to myself in order to become a better man for myself, wife and children.

DBM: How are you doing today?

Omari: Life is picking up, little by little. I haven’t looked back since. I am almost 14 years cheat-sober.

DBM: Well done!

Omari: Dave, money makes men nicer. Money makes us curious. Our wives are our good luck, especially if you’re like me, and came into your marriage with nothing but her love and support to hold to. As I chat with you today, and I am telling you since I made the decision to, as you often say on your page, do right by my partner, every other day of the years, I have been overwhelmed by God’s goodness to me… because of my wife.

DBM: That’s good to know!

Omari: David, I have tears in my eyes. My dear Diana, my good luck; these 23 years of marriage to you have been all the reminder I needed of how completely unworthy I am to humbly serve as your husband. You have given me the opportunity to be better. You have given me the opportunity to change. I am becoming the man I am proud of. I have become the kind of man I believe God is comfortable entrusting your heart to. My only prayer today is to continue learning and fighting for you and for our marriage.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

100% To 50%

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David, good morning. My husband talks a lot. And because he talks a lot, he lies a lot so that he doesn’t have to sit with himself and listen. He doesn’t realize this but he talks to distract himself from the quiet reality of what the real problem is. He is always trying to ‘fix’ me or other people’s problems but hates it when others do it to him. He did something that broke the jar of trust I used to pour in him. I tried to forgive but I couldn’t, and so I did something almost similar to what he had done and I guess he couldn’t stomach the feelings that my activities invoked within him.

Dave, do you guys for a second consider our feelings when you do shitty stuff in hiding and except us to shoulder the emotional weight of your unhealthy actions? Seriously, it got to a point in our marriage I had to tell myself to stop casting myself as the only human being who could make my husband happy. There are certain unrealistic expectations I refuse to look forward to in a man. It’s an incredible burden women ought not put on themselves. But that doesn’t mean we are a horrible couple.

My husband intentionally broke our bond and was expecting me to heal our wounded marriage. Make this make sense to me. When in reality his initial actions had nothing to do with me. I am not part of the stereotypes strongly crowning women to handle pain better than men. Dave, you guys should know that you have been dishing out hurt, disrespect, betrayals and all forms of abuse to women for centuries. You engage us and think you can do anything and get away with it? Isn’t it humbling even for you to picture the sorts of bullshit your gender is constantly, inflicting on women?

Ask a lot of the women on your platform. Many have become the punching bags of their inconsiderate husbands. They are living with so much frustration because these men are refusing to hear or listen to them when they complain about what they’re doing, or not doing, which is causing them enormous pain. Husbands who have become masters of all sorts of unbearable pain at their home; giving it – not taking it. And you know the annoying part? How you guys would twist the very pain you cause so we feel it’s our fault.

My happiness and peace of mind as a woman, and a wife is not my husband’s responsibility. But if you’re coming to me in the name of love, then your intention should be to contribute or add to my peace and not to disrupt it. Dave, no woman is perfect but the truth is that, if a woman is doing something and she realizes that it’s hurting her man, she would stop it as soon as she finds out. My husband, on the other hand needs a convincing reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than my unhappiness or misery. How wicked can a man be?

The way you speak to, and treat your wife reflects in how she behaves. I don’t know how the universe arranged it but that’s how it is. Your wife will take the form and shape that will reproduce you in ways you have probably never imagined. So, if you start from giving a 100% of you in the relationship, do not shortchange yourself later on to give a 50% because the excitement has faded on your part. Or you suddenly know what’s up because you have come into a little money. Listen, a God-fearing woman naturally is motivated to do what is right by you simply by understanding that her actions or inactions hurt you. If you continue to break her, you will have to learn the hard way – that you are married to a woman who just doesn’t care anymore if her actions hurt or offends you, so long as she gets what she wants. And, she will get what she wants.

Image Credit: Jaycee300s

Let’s Talk To Automatic

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 49: Automatic is my name

DBM: Hello Automatic. How would you describe yourself?

Automatic: I love who I am, and I have a solid source of motivation that drives me to do my best. I am hardworking, passion-driven and as real as you’d want me to be. I am in my 40’s, married and a father.

DBM: What would you want to talk about?

Automatic: I’ve gone through different stages of losses, and would want to touch on a few. I put in the ground, two of my children; I’ve lost a job and opportunities; I lost my wife’s trust in me; I almost lost my mind.

DBM: Wow! That’s a tall list of losses. How did it feel like when you lost your job?

Automatic: I saw it coming, and I knew my employer was going to let me go. But it didn’t take me long to come to terms with the fact that, I was no longer employed – and that losing my job didn’t mean my career was also over.

DBM: How do you mean?

Automatic: I know that companies look for people who are motivated, open-minded and resilient. I had to psyche myself to be in that mood, so I could reconnect with my passion and interests.

DBM: Are you working now?

Automatic: Yes, and it’s the job of my dreams

DBM: How long did it take for you to land your dream job?

Automatic: It took almost four years. I had to stay positive throughout the period, and it helped me to get myself back on my feet.

DBM: You talked about the deaths of your children…

Automatic: Dave, nothing can be more overwhelming.

DBM: I can only imagine. How old were they?

Automatic: Eight and six

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Automatic: They used to be three. Now, I have just one.

DBM: How old is this one?

Automatic: Four years

DBM: Boy or girl?

Automatic: Daddy’s little girl.

DBM: What happened with the first two?

Automatic: Someone claiming to be my wife’s friend gave them apples after school. They brought it home, ate it and that was the last time we heard of them.

DBM: What happened to your wife’s friend?

Automatic: We never got to know which of her friends did that.

DBM: I don’t understand

Automatic: Whenever their driver picks them up from school, he calls either of us parents to speak with them. He called me when he brought them home. They told me they had been given apples. My mistake was not asking them the name of person. My wife got home first after work, and they were both dead.

DBM: Where was the third child?

Automatic: With my wife

DBM: Who attends to the children when they return home from school, if you both are working?

Automatic: My wife’s mother lives with us. But she had traveled to Kumasi that week.

DBM: Tell me about the experience

Automatic: It’s profound; one of the very difficult situations to find yourself in. And the challenge it threw to us was painful, gut-wrenching.

DBM: How did you move on?

Automatic: You don’t move on, because you’re reminded everyday by their absence, that they were supposed to be outliving you instead.

DBM: When did this happen?

Automatic: 2019

DBM: How is your wife coping with everything?

Automatic: She’s still mad at God, her mother; she’s mad at me, herself and whoever, in her opinion could have prevented this from happening to our children. She’s mad at the driver, the teachers at the school. It’s not been easy on her.

DBM: You also made mention of your wife not trusting you

Automatic: She still doesn’t trust me

DBM: What did you do?

Automatic: I was involved with another woman

DBM: When?

Automatic: Last year

DBM: Are you still involved with this other woman?

Automatic: I ended things with the hope of getting my relationship back on track with my wife; but then I realized, she may never trust me again.

DBM: So?

Automatic: I am seeing another woman.

DBM: Why are you with another woman?

Automatic: I am not happy in my own home. And, I think the love just isn’t there anymore

DBM: On your part or hers?

Automatic: Both, I think. I’ve been quiet because I was hoping things would improve, because we used to have a fulfilling marriage.

DBM: Before or after the death of your children?

Automatic: Before.

DBM: Do you want to stay married to your wife?

Automatic: Yes! She’s everything to me.

DBM: Is she that much into you and the marriage?

Automatic: I think the tragedy hasn’t made things easier on my wife. She had so many dreams and hopes for the children. She had a plan for their future, and those kids in particular had a bright future. We knew it, and discussed how best we could help fulfill them. My wife is empty, and I don’t think anything I do or say can fill the void. She’s still numb to the reality of what has happened to us, and I don’t think time can heal this.

DBM: You talked about almost losing your mind

Automatic: It’s in relation to this: my wife wouldn’t allow me to touch her. I think about sex, at least, once a day. Sex is my connection to my wife. It is through sex that I am able to express my vulnerable side. Intimacy is my love language; so imagine being denied it for more than two years? I understand we were grieving but man needs to get laid in the process. She blames me for not asking the children who gave them the apples. She thinks I am responsible for what happened because I didn’t put into consideration their safety first, when they told me what had been given them.

DBM: Do you blame yourself?

Automatic: I feel guilty to some extent.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

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