You Oughta Know
Heather: The husband of a friend of mine has been visiting a house in my neighborhood. The lady living in that house is not married but has two male visitors coming to her place on different days and they would each stay with her for hours before leaving. One of the male visitors, I know is married to my friend. He doesn’t know me but his wife and I go way back. It’s been an ongoing visitation for some time. The other male visitor that I do not know is also married. He has a wedding band on his ring finger. Also, he doesn’t always sleep over. That is how come I know he is someone’s husband. I discussed my concerns about my friend’s husband with my husband and he is telling me to mind my own business. Dave, what do you think I should do because I feel completely disgusted about the whole situation?
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Listen to your husband eh.
Heather: You don’t mean that, do you?
DBM: No! Lol! I had to say something so the men on my platform don’t crucify me.
Heather: I’m being serious, Dave. What do I do?
DBM: Have you been a side-chick before?
Heather: Who, me?
DBM: Yes, you!
Heather: Never
DBM: Why not?
Heather: Because my father made me understand at a very young age that I deserved more, and that I shouldn’t assume no one would love me. Some of these girls are with married men because they feel that’s the best they can humanly do for love, so a married man would have to be good enough for them.
DBM: In-as-much as I do not agree with your husband’s stance on this issue, he’s got a point though. If these married men do not care about their wives with their actions outside of their homes, why should you? The women entertaining these men, knowing very well that they’re married also love the attention they’re getting and whatever else comes with it. I would suggest you let them: let them remain each other’s naughty little secret as they figure out ways to lie and pretend to themselves and others.
Heather: How about my friend? Because my conscience wouldn’t let me rest
DBM: If it were you, would you have wanted to know?
Heather: Yes
DBM: Invite her over to your place on the days her husband visits the lady. I would rather she’s a witness to it herself than you doing the telling.
Heather: Ok. You men can be such a disappointment it isn’t even funny.
DBM: He’s doing the cheating with a woman. Do not forget that part too.
Heather: I know but the reality of it is what saddens me.
DBM: Yeah, it’s rather unfortunate.
Heather: I’ve been asking myself what would make my husband cheat on me
DBM: That is, if he’s not already doing it
Heather: He’s not given me any reason to doubt his fidelity yet
DBM: Good for you! What’s his profession?
Heather: He’s a lecturer at Legon.
DBM: Good luck with that one!
Heather: Why do you say that?
DBM: Trust me, you will need it!
Heather: But why?
DBM: I don’t know why, just saying.
Heather: What makes a man cheat on his wife?
DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. People are different
Heather: Ok. In your opinion, what would make a man cheat on his wife?
DBM: The typical man loves to pursue or chase after what excites him. A wife who is in love with her husband is always there for him at home. Always being there for whatever he wants makes it a bit easier for a man to take you for granted. Some married men also do these things just to see if they’ve still got it in them; that spark in his ability to talk to someone different and attractive, ask for their phone numbers and go all the way in – if permitted.
Heather: How about sex?
DBM: A lot of guys love sex and would want to be adventurous with it. So, if they’re not getting enough of it at home, and the other lady expressing interest in him is willing to desire and want him to do the most with her, he wouldn’t mind risking it all for a moment of thrill and excitement, just to quench his lust. But again, it’s not set in stone: a woman can give a man everything he’s desiring and he’d still cheat on her.
Heather: I’ve seen a conversation on my husband’s phone once, telling a family friend of ours how much he misses being single.
DBM: You don’t miss being single?
Heather: No
DBM: Well, your husband does sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Heather: My husband is my world, Dave. I don’t know what I would do without him.
DBM: You want my honest opinion?
Heather: Always
DBM: Please do not make your husband the center of your whole world. Do not trust men, not just your husband. Believe him if he tells you he loves you but do not trust him entirely. Men will disappoint you, one way or the other. You don’t want to put yourself in a situation whereby, should he ever let you down – you start to feel like you have no reason to live. Your whole world should not fall apart simply because a man you trust has broken that trust. Learn to prepare yourself to be strong enough to want to move on with your life, with or without him in it.
Heather: Are you talking about if he cheats on me?
DBM: That, and also through natural causes like death. You need to have something else other than him to look forward to each morning. You need to become your own person time after time. A man’s love for you shouldn’t make you forget or lose your personality and identity. His love for you should not make you overlook your dreams for the future. You can strike a fair balance between being his wife while still acting as your individual self.
Heather: Is that an honest advice you will give to your wife?
DBM: Fortunately for me, my partner’s life and dreams do not revolve around me. We are two very separate individuals, though bound by love and marriage, but with our very independent thoughts, opinions and ideas. My overall happiness doesn’t depend on my partner. My sanity will not hinge on whether or not the one I’m in love with treats me well. Your husband shouldn’t be the only good thing happening in your life.
Heather: But he is, he and my children. Otherwise, why marry me?
DBM: Tell me, how would you honestly feel if your husband were to wake up one morning and expect only you to be responsible for every ounce of his happiness from that day; would you think it’s fair and healthy to you?
Heather: No
DBM: Okay! Anyways, how close are you to the friend whose husband has been frequenting your neighborhood?
Heather: Not so close but close. We catch up when we catch up.
DBM: Why haven’t you told her all this while?
Heather: A lady I know, who found out her serious boyfriend was actually a married man, outed him to his wife with evidence of their relationship and the man died in his sleep at home three months later. He was a young man in his 40’s. He died just like that. I think I’ve been holding back with this information because I do not know how far my friend could go if she found out. A woman who feels betrayed by her husband can go to the extreme every chance she gets.
Image Credit: Ovid Burke
