Let’s Talk To Ayitey
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 29: Ayitey
DBM: Hey Ayi! Please tell me a little about yourself
Ayitey: I am an unhappy husband, often depressed due to the uncertainties of the state of my marriage at the moment.
DBM: What’s happening to your marriage?
Ayitey: My wife is battling with cancer, and I am finding it hard to cope. Seeing her in pain sometimes makes me wish I were single
DBM: Is she on treatment?
Ayitey: She is, but the nausea, exhaustion and bloating are heart wrenching to watch. I feel powerless when I am unable to help someone I care about. She’s really suffering, and I dread seeing her every day.
DBM: I am sorry about that
Ayitey: She’s not the same woman I used to love. She’s not attractive to me.
DBM: Mastectomy, I know leads to body-image concerns. I have a friend whose breast was removed.
Ayitey: My wife looks miserable and there is nothing I can do to make her feel alright. Emotionally, I am suffering; physically, I am suffering
DBM: She’s enduring same, if not more.
Ayitey: I know, and it breaks my heart to say this but I feel like I didn’t sign up for this.
DBM: How long have you been married?
Ayitey: 10 years
DBM: And how was the years prior to the cancer?
Ayitey: It was great. We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot. We were a happy family
DBM: Do you still love your wife?
Ayitey: I don’t know, Dave. I don’t know how I feel about all this
DBM: How do you feel about her now?
Ayitey: I just want to be single. I am with someone I don’t know how to help
DBM: You know she knows that you cannot fix or make her feel better, right?
Ayitey: I don’t know
DBM: Is she able to talk about what she’s going through with you?
Ayitey: Not so much
DBM: Why is that?
Ayitey: Because it will make me feel bad, so I’d rather avoid the conversation.
DBM: If I am to put myself in your wife’s shoes, I know I would want my spouse to make me feel heard. I would want to discuss my pain with you; I would want to freely express all of my emotions with no one else but you – and I would appreciate a partner who would acknowledge all these things I would be going through.
Ayitey: You’re always on the side of the ladies, I’m not surprised
DBM: It’s not about taking sides
Ayitey: Dave, I don’t know what my wife wants
DBM: Have you asked her what she wants from you?
Ayitey: Is it even important? She’s not well
DBM: Again, in your wife’s shoes: I would want my partner to comfort me with their loving presence, without any form of judgement.
Ayitey: It’s not as easy as you think
DBM: Simplify it for me then?
Ayitey: I am unable to have sex with her
DBM: For how long now?
Ayitey: It’s been over a year. The last time I had sex with my wife was in January, 2022
DBM: When was the last time you had sex?
Ayitey: Dave, we’re not discussing me. Let’s talk about my wife
DBM: You brought the subject of sex, which I’m presuming is important to you?
Ayitey: It is
DBM: When did you last have sex with anyone?
Ayitey: On Sunday
DBM: Before Sunday, had you been intimate with anyone?
Ayitey: Yes!
DBM: When?
Ayitey: Lol! Saturday
DBM: Before the Saturday, had you been with someone else?
Ayitey: Why all these questions?
DBM: I want to understand how active you’ve been sexually, that’s all.
Ayitey: Thursday
DBM: With whom?
Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.
DBM: But is it with the same person?
Ayitey: I don’t want to talk about it.
DBM: I will respect that.
Ayitey: Okay!
DBM: Have you thought creatively into finding other ways to achieve intimacy with your wife?
Ayitey: Everything is a pain with her. I don’t want to inconvenience her
DBM: Have you tried listening to cool music together, while touching and kissing her gently?
Ayitey: It’s not worth it, trust me
DBM: Do you know how to love your wife?
Ayitey: Dave, I’ve tried everything
DBM: Everything like what?
Ayitey: David, do you know why I am chatting with you?
DBM: Tell me
Ayitey: I am with another woman who is filling in the space. I did not expect this, but I am in love with her. She’s also pregnant with my child.
DBM: Does she love you?
Ayitey: I think so.
DBM: She knows about your wife’s condition?
Ayitey: She does
DBM: What does she say about it?
Ayitey: We don’t discuss it
DBM: When was the last time you held your wife’s hand meaningfully? When was the last time you were not afraid to look straight in her eyes to assure her that you are not intimidated by the disease? When was the last time you found value in remaining present in her struggle, assuring her you’re a witness to what is happening to her and your relationship, and that, you love her regardless?
Ayitey: I don’t love my wife. I like her, but I don’t think it’s love.
DBM: This realization came to you, before or after the sickness?
Ayitey: Before. Cancer only took my mask off.
DBM: Why did you marry her?
Ayitey: I don’t know. Maybe because she was beautiful and physically attractive.
DBM: Was?
Ayitey: Am I a bad person?
DBM: Are you a bad person?
Ayitey: I don’t think so.
DBM: Okay! Anything else you’d want us to talk about?
Ayitey: I just wanted someone to talk to.
DBM: Do you feel better now?
Ayitey: I don’t know what to do
DBM: You have children with your wife?
Ayitey: I do.
DBM: How old are they?
Ayitey: 9 and 7
DBM: Have you both explained what their mother is going through to them?
Ayitey: They’re too young to understand.
DBM: At their age, they get it. They see what is happening. There are age-appropriate ways to explain cancer.
Ayitey: I am dealing with so much already. I can’t add another type of stress to my stress.
DBM: Being secretive about her diagnosis doesn’t solve anything
Ayitey: They will be fine
DBM: Are they eating home-cooked meals?
Ayitey: Yes, we have a house help.
DBM: Okay!
Image Credit: Nicola Barts
