18 Years After ‘I Do’
My wife was standing by her friend’s side as she said “I do” to my best friend, who she believes is the man of her dreams. All it took was one intense gaze from me and she tickled from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toe. Dave, finding the correct woman to wife is not easy but I am lucky to have recognized my friend’s wife’s Maid of Honor, who I believe had smiled her way out of my fantasy and come to life. We became friends after the wedding and I realized how much I liked her a lot. Friendship was so easy we didn’t have to impress each other. I was seen as I truly am. I held on to her as the weeks and months passed because I could appreciate her thoughtfulness and introspection. Everything and nothing were on the table for discussion because we enjoyed talking about something. I admired the woman she was. I had also developed trust in her to the extent that, I was sure about my interest in an exclusive relationship with her. She was the right wife fabric I needed to stitch and embroider. I became so consistent in my actions because she was extremely consistent in her care for me.
We dated for 13 months and in those periods, I realized how my emotions towards her often would feel strained, while her feelings of love for me would lessen. I wasn’t always in love with her. She wasn’t always impressed or in awe of me. I did not always desire to be with her. I did not always want to choose her above all others. It was a confusing phase in my life. I imagined talking to other women with whom I felt I was going to be more compatible with. On my 40th birthday, my 7-year-old niece wished me a happy birthday and asked when I was going to get married. I was very surprised at her question. I told her I didn’t know and she said, ‘Uncle, love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice.’
I asked her to explain and she said she doesn’t always love my nephew because they fight and argue a lot. Her brother is unkind to her most of the time but she still loved him even though sometimes her love for him feels further away. That was the conversation that changed my approach to love and marriage. I had forgotten that I really wanted to be with my wife, her flaws and strengths together. I didn’t have to choose her in a perfect state. I didn’t have to know how to be married in order to be a great husband. I didn’t have to know what it looked like in my day-to-day to love a wife, honor and cherish her. It didn’t have to look a certain way to be perfect. And instead of zoning out when things aren’t going or feeling the way I wanted them to be, I would rather talk to her about it.
I asked my wife to marry me a day after my 40th birthday, and we’ve been together since for 18 years. My marriage entails a lot of generosity with kind words and respect. I am a source of help to my wife without being asked. Dave, it has taken me a lot of daily attention, patience and hard work to see these 18-year results happening to us in 2026. And just like any farm, our marriage has gone through its own different seasons, in which I’ve had to nurture the soil, pull unwanted weeds and intentionally adapting to unpredictable weather to yield a healthy bond as harvest. I am doing the work as a man and husband, the best way I know how. And every deposit I have made into my marriage has been so far, worth the effort.
My wife is a good listener but I too listen to her, not with the intention of reacting but to understand her. I’ve never expected perfection from my wife because I am not perfect in my ways. And the Bible was right about one thing, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I am reminded to calm whenever I am almost frustrated with her. I am reminded to do what I can to make her happy instead of chasing after what would make me happy from outside.
There is joy in our marriage because we lean on God. There is peace in our marriage because God is in the center of our marriage.
Image Credit: Nude The Photographer
