SHE BREWS AT NIGHT
Dave, fear women. What did I say? FEAR WOMEN! My wife drinks coffee every evening before coming to bed. She takes hers in the kitchen. My first question is, who drinks coffee at 10:45 pm? How tasty aaaaa is coffee to be drank at 10:45 pm? Second question: is 10:45 the convenient time for any human being who wants to sleep at night to drink coffee? Which other energy boost is a woman in her mid 30’s chasing from caffeine at 10:45 pm?
Our kitchen always has this smell of burnt goat hairs whenever my wife is drinking her coffee at night. I will check what’s roasting in the kitchen, and there would be no goat on fire. Dave, would you believe me if I tell you my wife can describe 90% of my daily activities outside the house in her sleep? At first, I thought it was just a weird dream, but then, it kept happening. And I got scared. She could mumble or carry on conversations I had had with people in the day while she’s asleep at dawn; especially the conversations I had had with the other woman I am seeing. It’s wrong, I know! I am a married man having a secret relationship, so what? I am not the only man in Ghana cheating on his wife.
When my wife wakes up the next morning, she pretends as if she rarely remembers what she said in her sleep. The first time she tried that gibberish witchcraft, she told me she didn’t know what I was talking about. Dave, which sleeping woman forms coherent sentences and even answers questions I ask while sleeping? I thought my wife had me followed during the day (because she’s very capable of that) but no, she’s practicing a kind of witchcraft on me.
I was not awake one dawn when she got up to remove a piece of the pubic hairs around my penis with a scissors. She trimmed a bit of hers around her vagina and put them in a small bottle. I was pretending to be asleep because she couldn’t have dreamed my exact activities in certain days that she drank her coffee and burnt mine and her pubic hairs on the burner. The goat hair I often smelled in the kitchen weren’t goat hairs. She was burning our pubic hairs and inhaling the smell of it, while pretending to be drinking coffee.
Dave, trust no woman; these bitches ain’t trustworthy. They want to control our minds and bodies. They want to control our movements. What at all do women want from their husbands? My wife thinks because I can’t control my sexual urges, I need to be caged with this midnight torture. I have been terrorized in my own house by my wife over an affair. Why? Her argument is, why can’t I show a little self discipline like she does when it comes to sex. Dave, is this the right way for a married woman to treat her husband?
I am not a happy man, Dave. I have shaved all the pubic hairs around my penis but she still burns hairs and can tell me about the things I do or say in her absence. What do I do?
Image Credit: Karolina Grabowska
