Comparison – David B

Let’s Talk To Ehab and Xyla

Written by David B on May 9, 2024. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 179: I will choose Ehab

Participant 179: Xyla

DBM: Hello Ehab and Xyla. How would you describe yourselves?

Ehab: Always trying to measure myself in order to improve.

Xyla: A wife willing to love sacrificially; willing to be humble in submitting to my husband’s leadership.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ehab: 7

Xyla: 7.5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ehab: My wife and I have discussed extensively our need to be in a polyamorous relationship. We want to know how many of your followers practice this kind of relationship and how it’s working for them.

DBM: May I ask whose initial idea was this?

Ehab: It was a decision taken by the both of us

DBM: But who first proposed it?

Xyla: My husband first brought it for discussion.

DBM: Okay!

Ehab: It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy romantic partnership. No one will be doing anything in secret if that is what you’re concerned about.

DBM: I am not concerned. How long have you been married?

Xyla: 8 years, but known each other for 12

DBM: Is any of you already seeing someone secretly that you feel it’s time to introduce them to your partner?

Xyla: No!

Ehab: No!

DBM: So, why this sudden consideration?

Ehab: It’s not a sudden discussion. It’s a topic we had talked about prior to marriage. Every marriage as we know is different, and can be designed in any form that feels right to the parties involved.

DBM: True, but what is the basis of it? That’s what I am trying to understand

Xyla: I feel like I have given everything I thought would be sufficient to keep a man satisfied but I am realizing what he feels he needs from me is not enough.

Ehab: I also feel like I have deprived my wife of certain things that another man out there can pick up.

DBM: Is this going to be three people who are sexually or romantically involved with each other or four, where each has his or her own?

Ehab: We want to be exclusive with our options. Whoever I will be involved with wouldn’t share my wife. Vice versa.

DBM: You mentioned depriving your wife of certain things, what?

Ehab: My salary has not been able to afford her the kind of life I promised. Bills mounting up because I can’t keep up, especially with utilities, etc.

DBM: What kind of life was promised?

Xyla: Dave, the issue is I’m not even complaining but he feels he’s let me down

DBM: Has he let you down?

Xyla: Not at all. He’s very hardworking

Ehab: I feel like I’m disappointing her dreamed life

DBM: You heard her, she’s not disappointed

Ehab: But I am

DBM: So, keep your promises or don’t make any. You need to properly communicate with the one person you feel you’re letting down

Xyla: Hmmm!

DBM: Unless you are just not that much into building a true, intimate relationship with your partner?

Ehab: I am interested on every level

Xyla: I love my husband for richer or poorer. That was my vow to him.

DBM: One thing I have been very careful of in these past five years is not to project certain behaviors onto my partner to potentially suggest we do not belong together. If you love someone, and are genuinely that much into them, you understand and accept their honesty.

Xyla: Thank you!

Ehab: I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for 10 years. I am not able to even save Ghs 500 a month. I feel like I am broke and I do not feel safe with the money and income that I make.

DBM: That is your truth, and your wife is saying she understands and accepts your situation.

Ehab: I am scared of disappointing my wife and failing my children

Xyla: You’re not disappointing me

DBM: What’s your current location?

Xyla: At work

Ehab: I am at the office

DBM: I may not know you, but I feel you’re an ambitious man. I can see it from the little you’ve shared.

Xyla: He is

DBM: There is no limit to what we can do as a people; however, assuming or listening to those negative voices from within can sway us from that potential. As a husband, you clearly want the best for your wife. As parents, you want the best for your children. But there are so many things also outside of your control.

Xyla: Dave, my husband’s major problem is he likes to compare himself to others

Ehab: Stop it!

Xyla: You do. He sees his friends on social media who have beautiful families and great jobs, nice homes or are taking enviable trips around the world, and suddenly would be moody – and looking at himself as falling short after comparing his life to theirs.

DBM: I am not surprised

Ehab: She’s lying

DBM: But on a serious note, people’s accomplishments or victories do not necessarily take anything away from you. It should not reflect on you either.

Xyla: He compares himself with every nice photo on Facebook and Instagram

Ehab: Esi, I don’t like what you’re doing. Please stop!

DBM: Do you know what I compare myself to? My past self, just to see how far I’ve come. If you’re ever going to compare, look back at you.

Xyla: We have come so far, David

DBM: I believe you. That is why you have to keep encouraging your husband to force himself to only see the good in all the moments; whether good or not-so-good. I strongly believe in toxic positivity, where we balance our time spent, acknowledging all the good.

Xyla: I am with you on this

DBM: We all feel like failures every now and then, but we choose not to wear it as a label on our forehead. Life happens! And it should not be a validation of who you are as a man, husband or father. Encourage yourself when you feel down. There is more to you.

Ehab: Thank you!

Xyla: Are we going to date other people?

Ehab: Do you still want us to do it?

Xyla: It was your idea, babe

Ehab: We can take it off the table for now

Xyla: I’m in agreement

Ehab: You did not like the idea all this while?

Xyla: I want you to be happy

DBM: You cannot want another person’s happiness more than your own. Most men know their significant others love them. Your husband knows you give him a lot of love – and he knows everything you are willing to do or sacrifice for him to eat his cake and still have it. I believe in a 50/50 relationship, where one person is not putting in all the effort to make the marriage work, simply because the other knows you love the idea of being married. You’re not giving your partner the chance to step up to do right by you, himself and the family at large. Do not encourage anyone to abuse that privilege. Protect your own purity and that of your husband’s

Xyla: Okay!

DBM: Do not settle for less than what GOD inspired in you to go for. If he chooses to mess around, know that there are men out there who model these very things you hold dear. Be attracted to what speaks sense to your heart.

Ehab: Boss, it’s okay! Stop putting ideas in my wife’s head

DBM: Participant 178, Wacian, left a question for you, ‘Do you believe in luck?’

Xyla: I believe I can change my luck by creating new thoughts and behavior.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Ehab: What are your thoughts on polyamory?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: West Osee

Let’s Talk To Ladybird

Written by David B on February 1, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 50: Ladybird

DBM: Hi Ladybird. How would you describe yourself?

Ladybird: I have my shit together. I am a strong woman

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ladybird: My father’s straightforward dishonesty has had a mammoth effect on my opinions of men. I am supposed to be getting married in March, and I can’t find it in me to believe my fiancé is any different from my father.

DBM: What did your father do to you?

Ladybird: It’s not about what he did to me, but what he put my mother through. My father is the kindest man I’ve ever seen, but he’s not been faithful to my mother – for as long as I can remember. He takes risks for other women, but never for my mother.

DBM: Is your mother his wife?

Ladybird: Yes! They’ve been married for 37 years

DBM: What has your father’s character got to do with your man?

Ladybird: They’re good friends. In fact, my dad calls him ‘son’. Dave, ‘show me your friend…’

DBM: ‘And I will show you your future’

Ladybird: Thank you! My dad has so much influence on my guy, and my fiancé also knows about the deeds on my father. He doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with his behavior. One of his colleagues at work told me just recently, that my guy used to introduce single ladies to my dad.

DBM: How long has he known your dad?

Ladybird: Longer than I have known him. He used to work for dad. I love my father, don’t get me wrong, but I do not trust him.

DBM: I understand what you mean

Ladybird: I feel like I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life

DBM: You’re talking about marriage?

Ladybird: Yes! Since I found out my man used to introduce girls to my dad, I can’t help but to look at the both of them with disgust.

DBM: Have you asked him about the gossip fed to you?

Ladybird: I have. He laughed and said, ‘don’t mind them’

DBM: Lady, people around us judge us from their perceptions and opinions of what or who they think we are. If we are to simply jump on, or believe every observation made about us by people who do not have a clue about our upbringing, and allow what they say to impact our experiences with the people we care about, then it’s going to be hard for you to love on anyone based on your own truth about them.

Ladybird: I get that part

DBM: You need to know and experience people for yourself, without somebody else throwing reasons in your face

Ladybird: My father is a liar, and a cheat. Nobody’s opinion informed me on this. He’s repeatedly broken the trust that he’s entitled to in his marriage to my mother.

DBM: Noted! How about your boyfriend, has he given you any reason to doubt him?

Ladybird: Not really, but I suspect he is no different from my father

DBM: How so?

Ladybird: He is often on his phone, and some calls and texts are taken outside. He ignores certain phone calls when he is seated next to me. And, just like my father, he is of the opinion that a man has the right to do whatever he wants. He can be very self-centered.

DBM: How long have you guys been dating?

Ladybird: Four years.

DBM: I see

Ladybird: He is the ‘Mr. I know it all’, just like my father. He also drinks a lot. I hate to be making all these comparisons at this crucial time of my engagement, but he’s also a charmer. He will charm the panties off any woman.

DBM: Then, he may be doing just that.

Ladybird: Exactly what I have been thinking all this while. Dave, I am not assuming on him, but I strongly feel he is able to lie to me just as easily as my father does with my mom. Whenever he comes home, he has very little to discuss about his life outside. He would rather talk about other unimportant issues than to speak about his real activities in the day. Because he doesn’t want to be caught up in his web of lies, should he speak more

DBM: He is not your father’s image; I hope you know that?

Ladybird: I know

DBM: Good! What about him made you accept his proposal?

Ladybird: I was first attracted to his style of dressing, impeccable. I also liked that he put his family first at all times. I liked the way he spoke, and he’s a smart-ass.

DBM: Okay! Do you love him?

Ladybird: I do, and I am scared

DBM: Why are you scared?

Ladybird: I feel like he’s going to let me down already.

DBM: We are all capable of letting people down. People fail us, just as we sometimes also disappoint others. No one is perfect. The question you need to be asking yourself is, is your guy the type that would rather choose not to display these negative attributes in order not to betray your trust in him?

Ladybird: I don’t trust him 100%

DBM: Are you going ahead with your wedding in March?

Ladybird: Would you, if you were in my shoes?

DBM: If I am in love with you, then I should be able to count on you to be reliable; I should be able to count on you to have my back; to do what is right and do right by me. Those are the only conditions that would inspire me to want to take the next step in a relationship.

Ladybird: I doubt my guy, and I am not sure about his fidelity and dependability.

DBM: Fair enough. However, do not forget that he is not solely responsible for creating the distrustful feelings you’re entertaining. You’re equally to take responsibility due to the effect your father’s way of life has had on you.

Image Credit: Polina Kovaleva

Tag: Comparison

Let’s Talk To Ehab and Xyla

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