Not Ready
Evans: Dave, do you want to hear a funny story?
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No!
Evans: Come on, be nice
DBM: What’s the funny story?
Evans: They are planning my wedding without my involvement, without my knowledge.
DBM: Who are the ‘they’?
Evans: My girlfriend is the chief orchestrator I think
DBM: How long have you two been in a relationship?
Evans: Almost five years
DBM: How did you find out about this plan?
Evans: First, I got a call from a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years inviting me to his wedding in October. He wants me to read a Bible passage at the ceremony. The problem with the invitation is that, he does not believe in marriage. He’s always argued that marriage is a crazy idea and did not believe it made any sense. He still stands by his assertion and doesn’t believe a relationship is any more or less binding because the people in it sign a piece of paperwork and start wearing some fake gold rings. My cousin has continuously needed an exit strategy in every relationship I know he’s been in. He has no intention of promising anyone forever because he knows he’s not going to keep his word to any one woman.
DBM: How old is your cousin?
Evans: 47
DBM: How old are you?
Evans: 40
DBM: How old is your lady?
Evans: 35
DBM: What has your cousin’s invitation got to do with someone planning your wedding?
Evans: That’s a great question. He asked for the location to my house to deliver the suit and shoes he wants me to wear to his wedding. Have you heard such a thing before? He lives in Italy and has come to Ghana to prepare for his supposed wedding. And he buys me a wrinkle free 4-Ply wool tailored fit suit by Lanificio Ermenegildo Zegna. A Havana fit suit, Dave. Do you know how much that cost? Someone who doesn’t know my measurements can order a custom-made suit to fit me perfectly. Do you know how much a Saint Laurent Le Loafer Logo-Embellished Eel Mules cost?
DBM: I don’t know what that is
Evans: They’re shoes. The shoes he brought for me to wear to ‘his wedding’.
DBM: You don’t think you’re deserving of nice things?
Evans: That’s not the issue Dave. You have to understand who my cousin is. That guy will not even lend me 10 Euro
DBM: People change
Evans: Not that nigga.
DBM: It still does not prove a conspiracy
Evans: I asked him to tell me about his wife-to-be and he smiled for about 15 minutes. Who smiles for 15 freakin’ minutes? I’m not kidding you. He did not know how to describe his own bride to me. I called my mother to ask about my cousin’s wedding and she had a rehearsed tale to tell me. It’s like, everybody is suddenly breathing on exertion around me when I talk to them about my cousin’s wedding. My girlfriend included. She’s now signed up for a gym membership. She woke up one morning and decided she wanted to start going to the gym. What dress size is she trying to fit in, if not for a wedding dress?
DBM: You’re funny
Evans: Dave, my wife’s pastor who has never called or spoken to me before started to call and text me on the phone to discuss why every relationship has issues, struggles and conflicts. He wants to help me address these issues and make sure I don’t take them into MARRIAGE. The ‘M’ word appeared out of nowhere?
DBM: Lol! He said that? Hehehe!
Evans: Dave
DBM: Lol! Him offering pre-marital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to make you get married. Nobody can impose marriage on you.
Evans: I know that but they’re trying to protect a secret.
DBM: Tell me about yourself
Evans: Not much to know. I am caring. I have a great job. I make a good living. I am thoughtful. I am generous and kind to others. I am very smart
DBM: You seem like a great catch
Evans: Until I’m not.
DBM: How so?
Evans: I am very critical of others. I can be very condescending, sharp-tongued and demeaning. I see myself to be above ordinary. I know how to verbally abuse people. I’m not all that nice. That is why I do not want to get married.
DBM: Okay, that’s toxic. Does your girlfriend know you do not want to get married?
Evans: Not specifically
DBM: Meaning?
Evans: I can’t tell her to her face because we’re deep into the relationship. And she’s been dancing around the marriage conversation for some time. I’m not proud of the way I sometimes treat or speak to her when I am angry. I don’t think marriage will change me.
DBM: We’re all finding ways to get along on a daily basis in our marriages. People take risks to marry us. Your lady, I am certain, does not know exactly where her life is headed, but she’s let herself fall into your arms anyways. None of us had everything together when we made the decision to adapt to partnered life in a marriage.
Evans: I’m a mess, Dave
DBM: Aren’t we all?
Evans: Hmmm
DBM: Do you love her?
Evans: I love her
DBM: Are you in love with her?
Evans: Yes
DBM: Is she someone you call your friend?
Evans: She’s my best friend
DBM: Are you financially broke?
Evans: No
DBM: Are you purpose driven?
Evans: Yes
DBM: Do you want to be with her for the rest of your life?
Evans: Only her, you mean?
DBM: Ha! Why that question?
Evans: Because she doesn’t always fill me up, so my eyes and mind wonder a lot. I’m being honest here.
DBM: I appreciate your candor
Evans: I’ve not been faithful to her in the five years. And I’m not going to be faithful in marriage
DBM: I see
Evans: Honesty is the best policy
DBM: She doesn’t know all this I’m guessing?
Evans: No
DBM: I’ve fallen in love only three times in my life. I didn’t date around much because I did not know or understand much about myself. The third human being I ever loved is the one I am married to. Was I ready for marriage? I’d say no. But was I ready enough to want to commit to my partner in marriage? Yes. I had to at a point just stop overthinking and simply make the decision to jump into it. I went into marriage carrying three hearts in my heart. Every now and then, l think of them fondly.
Evans: You still love your exes?
DBM: I like them because they were an interesting part of my past.
Evans: You’re fucking any of them?
DBM: I am not
Evans: You talk to them?
DBM: Once in a while
Evans: I’ve been with a lot of girls but I’m in love with two at the moment. And I’m fucking all two. I’ve come to realize that one woman cannot meet all of my needs.
DBM: Whatever you choose to make the focus of your attention, you will see more of that in sight. You have trained your desire to seek validation from other women because you have concluded that one woman is never going to be enough for you. That’s why other women start to find you attractive, like magic. Is it magic? Certainly not! Ladies have always been around us. You’re only seeing them now in that light because you’re looking and waiting to be found and seen by them.
Evans: It’s in every man’s DNA if you’re going to be honest with yourself.
DBM: Imagine if every guy is choosing to invest that very same energy we spread across folks – to focus on something, one thing that we really like about the partner we’re supposed to be committed to, what wouldn’t we discover and like eventually? That is the price I believe every man pays losing a part of themselves while making another human being’s life their own.
Evans: I’m not ready for marriage.
DBM: And that’s okay. You know yourself and the deep personal issues you’re grappling with. The only problem I see here is that, you’re using her to your own advantage. You are growing and having all of your needs met. She isn’t, because one of her biggest desires is to be a wife. A step you’re clearly not ready for.
Evans: It’s not that simple
DBM: Are you happy in the relationship with her?
Evans: Yes
DBM: Is she happy with you?
Evans: I should think so. I don’t know
DBM: Marriage shouldn’t always be the end goal. Sometimes, simply finding happiness together can equally be good enough. Please be honest with her.
Evans: I’ll talk to her this week about it.
Image Credit: Ron Lach
