Raw Emotions
Kuntwaa: The kind of future I imagined with my husband by my side, the kind of helpmate and support he was to me and our daughter; the fact that he was the second source of income in our little equation called family. The fact that he was that other parent I dreamed of raising a child with; my best friend in the world, died; leaving me and our little angel all by ourselves whiles he hovers somewhere over the rainbow, alone, probably feeling vulnerable and lost. Dave, doing marriage for six years with my late husband was one of my greatest accomplishments. So, for it to be just over like that without giving me enough time to experience the ‘in sickness and in health’, ‘for better and for worse’ aspects of our vows really hurt.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): There are no words. I am terribly sorry about that.
Kuntwaa: Yeah
DBM: How long has it been since he died?
Kuntwaa: Three years
DBM: How is your daughter doing?
Kuntwaa: She’s fine
DBM: Are you going to be alright?
Kuntwaa: I thought I was. Because I wasn’t fully living for a year and a half after his death, I dated briefly and fell in love with an emotionally generous man. He was alone and in a quiet phase in his own life after his divorce. We both seemed to be walking broken and empty on these streets. That practically how we met. He offered to take me out on a date and we bonded from there. It has been interesting and fun knowing him and being known by him. He introduced me to his two kids, he met my daughter and she loved him. Dave, he welcomed me into his world and managed to make me feel loved and wanted. He made me laugh and I finally thought I had it all over again.
DBM: What happened?
Kuntwaa: He reunited with his ex-wife
DBM: Oh my!
Kuntwaa: His children loved me but they preferred their father and mother rather being together.
DBM: Ha!
Kuntwaa: I contacted you because my daughter keeps asking me why Uncle Dodoo left, because she misses him. They used to talk on the phone every day. She feels every man she’s come to love has left her.
DBM: How did you introduce Uncle Dodoo to her?
Kuntwaa: I told her he was my ‘special friend’.
DBM: Were you sleeping over at his end?
Kuntwaa: Yes, sometimes with my daughter. He slept over at mine a couple of times too.
DBM: Just use the dynamics in friendship to explain things to her. Some friends are meant to stay with us for the long haul, while others just come in and go. She needs to understand that, it’s okay to sometimes miss someone we care about.
Kuntwaa: But she keeps asking a lot of questions
DBM: You need to as much as possible be truthful with your answers to her questions
Kuntwaa: Truthful to what extent?
DBM: You need to explain your feelings about the whole breakup to your daughter. When I was a child, I had all these big emotions. I could feel what my mother was feeling. I felt hurt when she was hurt. I was happy when she was happy about something. You need to help her to understand the complexities of her own feelings. She’s feeling a whole lot of things and it’s your responsibility as a parent, to help her make sense out of what’s going on inside and outside of her.
Kuntwaa: It’s not that simple
DBM: Why is that?
Kuntwaa: He still wants us to be, while he works things out with his wife
DBM: Wait! Was he officially divorced?
Kuntwaa: Yes
DBM: I see. What do you want for you?
Kuntwaa: I was very much attracted to him. I feel like he was honest with me in our relationship. He was capable of providing for me. I make a good living for myself but it’s sweet to also have a successful man who cares about me and my daughter, and was treating us with respect and love. He promised to provide me the life I’ve always dreamed of. My relationship with him was already on that path that I was enjoying living in.
DBM: What do you want for you?
Kuntwaa: I just answered that
DBM: Is he dating his ex-wife?
Kuntwaa: No! His family presented drinks to her family again.
DBM: So, he’s married?
Kuntwaa: I think so.
DBM: And he wants what he had with you on the side?
Kuntwaa: Yes
DBM: What do you want for you?
Kuntwaa: I want a man of my own
DBM: I don’t know how best to say this in the right context for you to understand. I am telling you this not because I am a man, but because I understand men. I know men probably in ways you may never know. So, believe me when I tell you that – you need a man who is available to only you, so he would have more than enough time to sweep you off your feet with his genuineness, out of your own dreamed reality, and place you gently into his own ideal of a reality with you in it. That is a man you can confidently lay your love on. That is a man you can decide to want to trust wholeheartedly. That is a man you can depend on. That is a man who will never consider choosing another person over you.
Kuntwaa: Ok
DBM: Your feelings for him are valid, and I respect that. Question is, is he worth the risk of your feelings and that of your daughter’s being taken for granted? Because someone who leaves you for another person, yet still wants to be with you – does not respect you that much. Do not dedicate your time and attention to someone whose actions, deliberately eats away the little emotions you have left in you to give.
Kuntwaa: I don’t want to be alone, Dave
DBM: I don’t think I have anything else to say to you for now.
Kuntwaa: Ok. It was nice talking to you.
Image Credit: PNW Production
