Lonely At The Top
Luna: Good evening, Dave
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Greetings! How are you?
Luna: Fine. You?
DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. What’s on your mind?
Luna: My guy just asked me to marry him.
DBM: Oh great! Congratulations!
Luna: Thanks.
DBM: You’re excited, no?
Luna: I’m supposed to be but I don’t know why I am feeling a bit unsure.
DBM: Unsure about what?
Luna: He used to tell me he would never marry again.
DBM: People’s minds change, you know?
Luna: Yes, but he is a divorcee, and based on the stories he has shared with me about his ex-wife and what he said she put him through, I never imagined him settling down again.
DBM: His divorce is official, no?
Luna: Yes
DBM: You’ve seen a signed divorce decree by a judge?
Luna: Yes Dave.
DBM: Good to know! I had to be sure. A lot of skewed men are loosely throwing out the ‘I’m divorcing my wife’ lines to single women just to get laid.
Luna: I know
DBM: Are you the reason he divorced his wife?
Luna: No. I met him after his divorce
DBM: Okay! You’re on a good start then.
Luna: Dave, is marriage for everyone?
DBM: Question should be, is marriage for you?
Luna: I want to be married, yes.
DBM: Do you see yourself being married to him?
Luna: I love him but I feel like he’s made me believe he’s not interested in marrying anyone again.
DBM: You need to understand that, no amount of love can make a man who isn’t that much into the idea of marriage to want to do something (marriage) he doesn’t want to. If he’s asked you to marry him, then it means he’s that much into you. Have you asked him why he wants to marry you?
Luna: No, do I have to?
DBM: But of course! You’re not the least curious as to why?
Luna: I am
DBM: How old is he?
Luna: 48
DBM: How old are you?
Luna: 37
DBM: You need to know his perceived analysis of your worth to him. You are certainly offering him something of value, and he’s calculated exactly what marrying you might or not cost him. You need to understand from his point of view – what he feels he’s gaining: i.e. Are you an asset or a liability. Is this going to be your first marriage?
Luna: Yes
DBM: You have children?
Luna: No, but he has three with his ex.
DBM: And, you’re okay with that?
Luna: I don’t mind
DBM: Okay! Something is holding you back, what is it?
Luna: He’s never said ‘I love you’ to me before
DBM: How long have you been together?
Luna: 3 years. Ever since we fell in love two years ago, I have been randomly telling him how much I love him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t feel any true love for me. The one time I remember him saying it back to me was after an awesome afternoon sex. Even with that, I felt he talked himself into believing it because I said it to him first.
DBM: You want my honest opinion, no?
Luna: Yes
DBM: So, this is what I, David Bondze-Mbir believe and practice: I would rather have somebody who could never tell me they love me but every day, I felt it with their actions. That’s exactly who I got in my marriage. Fortunately for us, we do tell each other we love us every day. And, we’ve been doing that for years now. It’s an intentional thing to want to be a student of the other person’s feelings and interests.
Luna: Hmmm. And there’s the topic of monogamy. He doesn’t believe a man is to devote his body to one woman alone. He’s been trying to negotiate with me to consider the fact that, he would sexually attract other women. And might pursue them.
DBM: That is what he thinks is right for him. Question is, does it sit well with you?
Luna: No
DBM: Do you know his ex-wife?
Luna: I know about her. I have friends who know her personally.
DBM: And, what do they say about her?
Luna: She’s a great lady apparently. The only person I know who has spoken bad about her is my man.
DBM: This is what I would suggest: figure out a way to have a conversation with his ex.
Luna: To say what? Lol
DBM: You’re contemplating on marrying her ex. You need to know if you’re making the right decision. She was someone he once loved. However her ex-husband chose to describe her to you, that is his version of experience with her. It doesn’t make her a total idiot. It shouldn’t form your total perception about her. You need to know her version of how he sees and treats women who are important to him. Treat her choice of words and lived experience with him with respect, and you will earn more of it for yourself.
Luna: What if she also has nothing good to say about him?
DBM: It’s normal. None of us are enthused about being made to remember the times we made a mistake or were made to feel stupid by someone we loved. The best you can do is to acknowledge her feelings. Just listen with your heart. It will let you know. You will find the answer needed to say yes or no to his marriage proposal. It’s always good to be in the known, so you do not find yourself lowering your standards – just to accommodate the idea of being with the man you think you like. Most men think only with their mouths. They know all the right things to say to make a woman feel like she’d be lucky to be with him. Those are the typical bully material, not necessarily marriage material. Do not create in him one because you’re blinded by love.
Luna: Oh Dave, that’s a lot for me to process.
DBM: You will be fine. You know what is good for you at the end of the day.
Luna: Thank you, David. Thank you very much.
Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich
