Expectations – David B

Let’s Talk To Pike

Written by David B on July 11, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 141: Pike

DBM: Hello Pike. How would you describe yourself?

Pike: Married, father, and a banker

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pike: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pike: My wife’s close friends hate my guts. They didn’t like me before and after marrying their friend. I tried influencing her association with them for some time but she’s back in their circle again.

DBM: Why don’t you like them?

Pike: They’re toxic and immature, even though she says they have always had her back.

DBM: What does your wife make of your circle of friends?

Pike: She has no problem with my friends

DBM: She knows all of your friends?

Pike: No

DBM: She approves of all of your friends?

Pike: She doesn’t get to do that. Also, my friends positively impact my life

DBM: What are your expectations of her friendship with her girlfriends?

Pike: I have none. I just don’t want them around her. My wife has a good heart, but her friends are problematic – in my opinion.

DBM: Why do you think they also do not see eye-to-eye with you?

Pike: Because I speak the truth, and they are jealous of my wife

DBM: Jealous, how?

Pike: They want what she has

DBM: As in, you?

Pike: And everything else I bring to the table

DBM: How is it possible for someone to not like you, but want you at the same time?

Pike: It happens

DBM: What’s on the table at the moment?

Pike: Comfortable living, two homes, cars, financial security, beautiful marriage, etc.

DBM: You’re the full package, I guess?

Pike: I try

DBM: Have you tried seeing things from their perspective?

Pike: They don’t have a clear perspective

DBM: But you do of them?

Pike: I’ve dealt with such people before.

DBM: The people you’ve dealt with aren’t them

Pike: I know, but if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

DBM: Is it possible that you may simply be misunderstanding their thought processes?

Pike: Dave, these are very loud, vile and unmarried girls

DBM: How about the possibility of you seeing them in a negative light, simply because you may unconsciously be feeling insecure about your relationship with your wife?

Pike: That’s not the case, unfortunately. I just know they’re not good people

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves their company?

Pike: I don’t know Dave. I don’t know what she sees in them

DBM: How long have they known each other?

Pike: Since they were in school, I think.

DBM: On the average, is she choosing her friends over you?

Pike: No

DBM: Does she seem to care about your concerns about them?

Pike: I’ve told her

DBM: And?

Pike: She still keeps in touch with them.

DBM: What kind of compromise are you expecting of her to make?

Pike: I want her to simply end that friendship

DBM: What boundaries have you set thus far?

Pike: They’re not allowed to step foot in my house. Dave, these are ladies I don’t like

DBM: For reasons best known to you, no?

Pike: For reasons everyone knows; they are rude, and overall, bad influence on my wife. They date married men and make it seem cool.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pike: 11 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Pike: That’s a personal question. I choose not to answer

DBM: Have you tried engaging them to know what their individual interests are, or even just to endure them firsthand?

Pike: No

DBM: What then is the basis of your understanding of who they are?

Pike: I’ve heard the kinds of conversations they have with my wife. She’s usually on phone with them on loud speaker. I have also read some of their WhatsApp conversations

DBM: Your wife made you read them?

Pike: No

DBM: Why do you have and keep your circle of friends?

Pike: You already asked this question

DBM: I have?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Oh, okay! But what answer did you give to the question?

Pike: They a good influence on me, and I can trust them

DBM: What are your unique qualities?

Pike: I’m mature, kind, supportive, intelligent, passionate, hardworking, ambitious, friendly, thoughtful, reliable, caring and confident

DBM: The confident people I have ever come across do not seek to bring others down. They’re rather too busy working on their own territories. They’re also naturally, very open-minded and will tolerate whomever and their way of being. Nothing you do reflects or projects on them negatively. Do you see your wife to be confident?

Pike: Yes

DBM: Do you trust the mother of your children?

Pike: I do

DBM: Participant 140, Zoey, left a question for you: ‘What would you think if your woman spent more time on his looks than on you?’

Pike: It will bother me. I like some attention on me too. It’s a way to show how much my wife loves me. I love my wife very much, and so I find ways to show how much she means to me. One of the simplest ways I express this – is by paying attention to her and her needs.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pike: Do you believe in keeping your enemies even closer?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Any Lane

Let’s Talk To Manism

Written by David B on June 1, 2023. Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 115: Manism

DBM: Hi Manism. How would you describe yourself?

Manism: Well, I’m a down to earth person; quiet, observant and quite passionate about living life and accept truth along with its consequences.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Manism: I cannot fix a number on that. So let me say, I’m currently content with where I am today.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Manism: Well, I have noticed as I am growing up and getting older that a lot of us were lied to about male and female relations, and it is having serious consequences for us now as a generation. Especially for women; because many of them have no idea how to select a partner and that leads to a lot of problem for everyone involved.

DBM: What are some of the lies you feel were presented to us?

Manism: The biggest one that still persists till today is the, ‘men and women are the same’. And so whatever men do, nothing should stop women from doing the same and vice versa. It has permeated so many areas to the point that, no one really thinks about it anymore. Another one is that marriage should be based on love as the foundation. And so many people start from this point and then hope for the best.

DBM: You will agree that, many of us see relationships and marriage differently, thus, us having differing beliefs and expectations of it, no?

Manism: Yes, I definitely agree with that. But it’s just like raising a child. Everyone sees it differently. But at the end of the day, there’s a wrong way of seeing it and there’s a right way of seeing it. I’ll give you an example: the sexual revolution made it so that women can have sex with whomever they wanted without being shamed for it. However, this brought about a new problem. It is now very hard as a woman to want a relationship without sex before marriage. Very hard because we as men have been taught from a young age that as long as you are with a woman, she will give you sex. And what that does is that it opens up a lot of women to being taken advantage of simply because if she wouldn’t agree, he will just find someone else that will agree. This means now that as a woman, you will either have to get comfortable being with a man and definitely having sexual relations with him, or you and him will always be arguing about it because he expects it and you keep denying him. It has also made cheating way lot easier. You certainly have interviewed several people whose husbands have cheated. What no one usually says is that, there are women who will sleep with a man before marriage and so it’s easier for married men to do these things. Just that one thought of removing shame from premarital sex alone brought so many consequences.

DBM: That makes sense. Are you dating?

Manism: I’m seeing someone. Yes, but it’s complicated.

DBM: What was your reason for pursuing this person?

Manism: Well, I did not pursue. It just happened that we were at the same place at the same time. And things led to things.

DBM: How do you feel sex with her has added to your relationship?

Manism: Well, has it added anything? I think I would say that she’s been very impressed by me since we started, and so I imagine it makes me a lot more secure being with her in that regard.

DBM: Are you impressed with what she gives in return?

Manism: I’ve only been impressed by a few ladies in my time. She’s alright. Okay, I just read the question again. It’s a bit ambiguous. Did you mean sexually or otherwise?

DBM: What’s your take on ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’?

Manism: Well, it is a lie. I think it started out as a way to affirm women and their capabilities but at some point, people started to actually believe it. There are things that the average man is better at. And there are things that the average woman is better at.

DBM: And, there are things that a human being is capable of doing, no?

Manism: Everyone is capable of doing everything. But there are things that are conducive for certain kinds of people. Not everyone. You can’t be an introvert who does not make friends easily and then want to be a salesman of niche products. Something else would be better suited to you.

DBM: True. So, I am assuming you are the type who is able to get a woman talking about the very things she’s most excited about (i.e.: sex, dating multiple men at a go, having specific expectations of men and people in general, etc.) whereby, she’s always associating those positive feelings with you, how would you define such a lady in your opinion?

Manism: Kindly rephrase the question. Let me understand you clearer.

DBM: Has a woman the right to cheat back if you’re cheating on her?

Manism: Hahahaha! I don’t believe there’s something called cheating back. It’s just cheating. And it is not a right. But that said, I think it can be justified if a woman steps out after her man steps out on her. If I did that, I would feel it was fair since I was silly enough to get caught in the first place.

DBM: What is your biggest dealbreaker in your relationship?

Manism: Lies. I can’t seem to get past lies. Once it starts then I cannot really seem to trust you again. I was once cheated on by an ex of mine. One day, she called and told me. And asked I forgive her and I did. I realized I’m not like most men who have a problem with cheating. But I cannot seem to let even an innocent lie go. I’ve worked on myself now because I realize women can be very prolific liars but still! Since you’re a man yourself, let me ask you this: do you think men are made to be with one woman?

DBM: I know men are supposed to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a man’s best-selling point, and so if Mr. A feels he is content with just one partner, then he is content with one partner. If Mr. B feels he is not a one woman’s man, then he’s not made for one.

Manism: And what do you think is ideal?

DBM: Contentment is ideal

Manism: You don’t think that contentment leads to chaos?

DBM: From the numerous conversations I’ve had with thousands of ladies on my Facebook platform, women have said they’d rather appreciate men attracting them without behaviors that aren’t really them, lying or pretending to be men they know they are not. As a guy myself, I know many of us act like we’re good for the people we’re interested in, instead of becoming the attractive men we pretend to be.

Manism: Dave, sometimes, women do not really know what they are talking about. I know that sounds some way, but they teach us to act so that we can attract them.

DBM: What were you like as a kid?

Manism: Shy. Quite unsure of myself. But quite observant about my surroundings and noticing that which was said, and what I the difference in what I was seeing.

DBM: How do you express love as a man?

Manism: In doing. I think the psychological make up of men is in actions for the most part. But in order to deal with my woman, I have to also learn how to use words and gifts. I don’t know if those ones are sustainable though.

DBM: Okay! So, as her boyfriend, you feel your most comfortable sharing your feelings with your girlfriend when she … (If you’re to complete this sentence)

Manism: What feelings please? 😂

DBM: That something-something making you believe you’re that much into her

Manism: Haha. I don’t think I do that in general.

DBM: What advice would you give women on the types of partners they should select?

Manism: Well, we have to understand that there are different reasons why we have partners and we have different types of partners. Companionship. Family. Partnership. Fun. Someway somehow, we have deceived ourselves that we can have all these things in one person. And it is a lie told especially to women. Family is about duty. Not feelings. There are roles and as long as everyone plays their roles dutifully and consciously, it will work. Women who want families cannot join themselves with a man that does not have family values. They will suffer. Companionship does not have the same rules of engagement as family building. And partnership too. I think women have to take as much time studying themselves and studying men as much as men take time to study women to understand these differences. It is the lack of understanding of men that makes women easily deceived by a man because he has studied how to attract her, but she has no clue on how to separate someone who just wants a companion, from one who wants to raise a family. It is something that keep recurring in your stories all the time. The women are clueless, confused and easily deceived because they do not understand what they are dealing with.

DBM: Why do you think you’re in a complicated relationship then, since you seem to have figured the whole male and female relations out?

Manism: The complication has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s more to do with work, location, distance and all that. There are future decisions to be made that can make or break the union and so it’s not so clear to move forward or not. Some of the decisions are not so clear cut. But that said, I have not figured everything out. I just have realized that we have taken a lot of things for granted and it has made life very hard for us.

Image Credit: Austin J Best

Let’s Talk To Apor Part 1

Written by David B on January 15, 2023. Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 38: I am Apor

DBM: Hi Apor. Please tell me a little about yourself

Apor: I will be 41 this year; I am single, and do not take myself too seriously. I am confident about who I am and how I look; I do what I say and say what I mean. I am an Auditor by profession.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Apor: I have a date on the 18^th of January.

DBM: Hehehehehe! That’s nice. First date?

Apor: Yes Sir

DBM: How do you feel about it?

Apor: I am excited and scared at the same time. It’s a bit nerve-wracking

DBM: You can never predict the outcome of these things

Apor: You see?

DBM: Why are you single?

Apor: I am single because in the past, I had been chasing just pretty faces, without checking for a kind heart. The other reason is, my work schedule is tight, and I don’t think I have prioritized my dating life seriously. I also find the thought of asking a woman out super scary and intimidating; I fear being hurt or taken for granted by a woman I may love.

DBM: Do you wish to be in a serious commitment someday?

Apor: Yes, Dave! I want a wife; I want to experience marriage, and I want children.

DBM: How did you meet?

Apor: At a funeral.

DBM: Oh boy! Lol!

Apor: She was stealing quick glances at me

DBM: How do you know?

Apor: Because she smiled wryly when we made eye contact

DBM: I see. Who made the first move?

Apor: She did. We were seated directly opposite each other at the funeral grounds. She walked to me the moment it was clear we had been staring at each other continuously. She took my phone, asked for my password and just put her number in it. She went back to her seat. I didn’t get to even talk to her at the funeral, because she left without saying goodbye.

DBM: You called her, no?

Apor: That was the second puzzle; I didn’t know her number and the name saved to it. So, I had to go through the contacts on my phone. She saved her name as, ‘You’re going to like me’.

DBM: Hehehehe! I like her already.

Apor: I know, right? She’s a mystery to me

DBM: You’ve spoken to her?

Apor: I have, and I think I like her. I see potential

DBM: That’s good to know. What are your expectations?

Apor: I want a secure, self-confident and strong woman who lives her life from a place of meaning and purpose.

DBM: Purpose in which sense?

Apor: Whatever means something to her, I am good to go with that. I am searching for a woman who is not waiting for me to come and complete her. I don’t think I will be attracted to a woman I have to rescue and build a life for her to come and enjoy.

DBM: What else?

Apor: Someone who speaks her mind when it comes to her needs and expectations. I am not good at navigating through people’s feelings to interpret what they’re saying.

DBM: Anymore?

Apor: Respect and admiration for who I am and not what I do for a living. I am not attracted to manipulation and lies; emotionally unstable women, drama and immaturity.

DBM: I see

Apor: And she has to know how to cook well

DBM: Why is that important?

Apor: It will keep me excited to be coming home every day to my wife’s home-cooked meals. I want to be proud of my wife’s cooking skills and brag about it. Also, friends and family will be coming to our house a lot, and I’d want them to know why she won her way to my heart. We will have children too; their mother should know how to cook.

DBM: What if she can’t cook but is great at taking care of you and making you feel loved and comfortable and happy?

Apor: Cooking for me is taking care of me.

DBM: But in this scenario, she can’t cook

Apor: That will be a big problem

DBM: Can you cook?

Apor: I can’t cook

DBM: Let’s assume she also can’t cook well, but can make the attempt to prepare something for the house – that may or not taste so great, may be a little undercooked or overcooked. Are you going to still eat it and thank her for trying?

Apor: That will be problematic for me, Dave.

DBM: A relationship with you should be about her being a good cook?

Apor: If we become parents, my children shouldn’t be relying on me to be caring for their diet?

DBM: You can employ a help for the house

Apor: I don’t like the idea of a house help

DBM: Then, you need to also learn how to cook in order to build the happy home you’re dreaming of.

Apor: Lol! Occasionally, I would try to mess things around in the kitchen but …

DBM: What if you genuinely get to like your date on Wednesday, but find out she’s choosing to pursue higher education and her career, while juggling personal life; are you still going to expect her to cook a full meal, all by herself after getting home by 6: 45 pm?

Apor: I can’t cook to save my life

DBM: But you’re doing okay all by yourself; meaning you can manage with the same strategy you’re working with, or simply learn how to cook alongside your wife.

Apor: I am very tired when I get home from work, that’s why I buy food from outside

DBM: A lot of women equally leave behind their mental and physical stress when they get home from work. You are no different from a career woman.

Apor: All the wives I know cook for their husbands and family

DBM: All the wives of other people will not be married to you. And it is outright cruelty to be expecting a woman working the same hours as you to be cooking all by herself at home, all in the name of being a woman, wife or mother.

Apor: Then I will have to keep searching till I find the lady who meets my standard

DBM: Women fall sick, for weeks, for months. Would you expect her to still cook?

Apor: My mother will help when such a time comes.

DBM: What if your mother is dead by then? Wouldn’t you want to also earn your wife’s love and respect by preparing her a scrumptious meal?

Apor: Let’s find out if this date knows how to cook first. We will cross the bridge when we reach it.

DBM: My only concern is that you are setting the bar too high for the perfect woman, that you may end up overlooking the right woman.

Apor: I know what I am looking for Dave, but it’s like I don’t know what could be good for me.

DBM: My recommendation would be, go on this date with the intention of looking for a match. You can find the one person who is right for you at any time.

Apor: Okay!

DBM: There is a lot that you can learn about a person on a first date.

Apor: True.

DBM: All the best to you on Wednesday. Please keep me updated. I would love to chat with you again after the date.

Apor: Dave … Dave Lol!

DBM: I will look forward to it. Lol!

Image Credit: K Makhasette

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON

Written by David B on July 9, 2022. Posted in Blog.

The driver’s name is Eddie. His car’s number is GS 7443-21. He was the ride I ordered to the airport. I was very late, and so I wasn’t really present in the vehicle with him. I knew he was trying to build on a conversation with me, but I was behind time and wasn’t interested. Mr. Dave, I am in my second marriage, he said. Suddenly, I was interested; there was a story to be told. I am sharing his story because I sought for his consent. Secondly, there are lessons to be learned from his experience. He is in his mid-40’s, and was married to his first wife for 10 years. They could not have children.

According to Eddie, children are a gift from GOD. I wasn’t bothered that we couldn’t have any in my first marriage. I had trust in GOD, and was hoping my ex-wife could trust in Him, my commitment to her and our marriage. He says it really hurt him that the woman he loved with all of his heart, a woman he never for once even considered cheating on or disrespecting, chose to end their marriage. He is of the view that, our society has influenced some women to place a high value on childbearing in marriages – to the extent that, it is so ingrained in their reasoning, they often forget there is a spouse, a man, to be loved also. He says he married his ex-wife because he loved her; children were not his major reason for marriage. He loved his commitment to her; he loved the idea of spending the rest of his life on earth with her in it. He was with her because he wanted to be with her. Unfortunately, his ex-wife had a different expectation for their marriage.

Eddie says, some people will end up being childless because they worry too much to rather focus on the now, the very people loving on them in the present. He believes that societal pressure to become a mother ate into the mind of his ex, that she allowed it to almost measure her worthiness as a woman. The marriage became very unhealthy for the woman because she wanted something different: a real man who could get her pregnant. And so, after 10 years of marriage, she asked her family to return his drinks to his family. The families both asked if had done her any wrong, and she said no. Eddie says, in the presence of both families, he went on his knees, begging her to reconsider. He refused to accept her decision, but she wasn’t interested in the marriage. He kept insisting for a real reason why she wanted out. She finally informed him and their families that, she was no longer in love with him.

Mr. Dave, that was what made me stop pleading with her. I had to understand and respect the fact that, she did not love me anymore. When a woman tells you that she doesn’t love you, let her go. Don’t force your feelings on her. said Eddie. Somehow, he found the confidence to agree to the divorce. His ex-wife also got the confidence to leave, because she had made it clear that she felt trapped. Eddie says, the dissolution of the marriage made all his anxieties about not having the chance of a family even worse. He lost weight, lost his appetite for food; he had a few thousands of cedis saved, and did not know how all that money finished within days. He contemplated on suicide many times. His heart had been broken into pieces.

There was no getting around the divorce because it shook him to his very foundations, causing him to question his confidence level, and even his faith in GOD, women and love. The experience was horrible, terrible for him. All this happened to him in 2019. In 2020, he had learned how to grapple with the pain of rejection and was almost done mourning a lost love, when he met his current wife. He knew he liked this new woman. She makes me want to smile for no reason. I think that was part of the reasons why I found her to be interesting. She was nothing like my ex-wife. he said.

His now Mrs. intentionally became a daily feature in his life just so he could have a dose of real laughter. He allowed the laughter to shape his new found interest into a beautiful friendship, and then, love. Her friendship helped him to return to the things he used to love doing. He then gradually started to lose himself in this good woman who made him smile every day. They got married, and have a one-and-a-half-year-old child. He says, his wife is currently pregnant.

Every relationship (be it good or bad) has something for us to learn. Eddie accepted that his first marriage had ended. He took baby steps and moved on with his life. He is now picturing how to better give and receive with his new wife. I asked him if he knew about his ex-wife’s whereabouts; he says she calls him once or twice every week to check on him. She’s single and has no kids yet. He says she sometimes asks if he misses her too. When I alighted, I was curious in knowing, whether or not he misses the ex.

Mr. Dave, right now as we speak, I miss my wife and child. I can’t wait to close for the day and rush home to help with the house. said Eddie.

Image Credit: David Bondze-Mbir