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Selected One

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

I was married for 10 years and no matter how hard we tried to have a child, we couldn’t seem to have one. Our marriage later deteriorated into becoming a fufu dish for making a baby, where our main goal suddenly centered on making it happen at all cost. My marriage to my late wife struggled with infertility. And without realizing it, we lost focus. We had dreams for ourselves before we got married. We had so many plans we wanted to accomplish together as husband and wife. However, every other dream seemed to pale because the one dream we thought could happen to us so we could experience parenthood wasn’t happening.

By the time I wanted us to make our marriage and love for each other a priority, my wife was diagnosed with cancer. That was another battle to be shared for another day. It created an empty void in me that my wife alone could not fill. I became that boy pretending to be a man, seeking validation in another woman’s arm because I could not bring myself into accepting the fact that I was simply running from myself. I was searching for a love that I hadn’t even learned to give to myself first.

Two weeks before my wife died, I had met this beautiful lady that I wanted to get to know. It was a wrong number dialed. She was trying to reach someone else but mistakenly called me. I became curious because she had an attractive voice. Her smile at the other end of the phone was gentle. Her voice was soft and she spoke kindly to me. I assumed she carried herself with calmness and that felt refreshingly different. I was drawn to her. Dave, my life as at that time was stressful and the daily pressures were mentally exhausting. I needed something new to enter into my life with its calm and gentle presence.

We agreed to meet, so I arranged our first date. I arrived at the venue on time. Guess who showed up on our date with my wife? My wife had selected her to be the one to have a child with me since she couldn’t, and had planned every activity leading to us meeting for the first time. My wife believed she was a good fit for me since I was already sleeping with other women. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Fast forward to today; I’m married to the other lady now and we have two kids – thanks to my late wife.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Time To Let Go

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Suzanne: I’m holding on to an unhealthy marriage that I know isn’t good for me. There is a child involved so I am finding it very difficult to simply let go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What do you want for you?

Suzanne: I want to raise my son in a stable environment filled with love

DBM: That is what you want for your son. What do YOU want?

Suzanne: Something different. Something I can depend on.

DBM: Is the situation you’re currently holding on to out of your control?

Suzanne: Yes

DBM: So, redirect your focus on what you can control

Suzanne: That’s the scary part for me. What if the grass is not greener on the outside?

DBM: You don’t have to worry about what tomorrow brings. How long have you been married?

Suzanne: 9 yrs.

DBM: What did your husband do?

Suzanne: He has gotten two women pregnant and the mother of one of the ladies is a former school mate of my dad. She brough the issue to my dad’s attention because she knows about me and who I am married to. My dad invited my husband home for a chat and whatever he did or said to my father is what killed him. My father had a build up of fat and cholesterol in his arteries. I received a call from my mother that my dad was receiving CPR, and I needed to make my way to the hospital’s emergency asap. I got to know that my husband was having an argument with my dad at home and he collapsed. He passed away from a heart attack.

DBM: I’m terribly sorry.

Suzanne: Thanks. He’s also taken every jewelry he’s bought for me, including my wedding rings and given them to one of the pregnant girls.

DBM: How in the world are you still choosing to hold on to the summation of this kind of experience?

Suzanne: I’m in it for the sake of my son. He loves his father

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Suzanne: I don’t have an answer to your question.

DBM: Just because one man is choosing to let you down doesn’t mean every man will let you down. You’re capable of receiving what is deserving of you. You need to build your own closure so you can create space for a fresh beginning.

Suzanne: I’m worried about letting people who look up to me in church down.

DBM: The weight of a decision like this is a personal choice. It’s your personal journey. And really, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, except you.

Suzanne: Thank you.

Image Credit: Mizunokozuki

Belongings

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Lerato: Hello David. I hope this message finds you well. I was married to my husband for 17 years before his unforeseen death in October, 2025. He showed up in my life when I needed a good laugh with someone. Laughing together was actually what bonded us in our relationship. I was married to a man who constantly made the attempt to win my heart over again. For 17 years, he never stopped flirting with me. He did not stop surprising me with gifts and random kisses here and there. He was the first to wake up in the mornings and I would wake up to handwritten notes of appreciation and acknowledgement. I did not have to drive my car to the filling station to buy fuel because he made it a habit to fill my tank anytime he noticed it was getting low. He made my heart swoon because he thought I was special. I was a happy and grateful wife for 17 years.

Until March, 2026, when I mustered courage to go through some of his belongings. In one of the books hidden behind his shelves in his study, I came across pictures, letters, small notes and phone numbers and email addresses of a second family he had created that I had no idea of. I found pictures of him and his two other children, who were younger than my own three kids with him. There were pictures of him and his second wife’s engagement ceremony. The shock of my life that is currently shaking the entire foundation of my world. My faithful and perfect husband never breathed a single word or hint about them to me. I’ve been trying to do the math but it’s not adding up. At what point in our marriage did he find the time to go and start a second family?

David, everything I believed about my dear husband, his love for me and our marriage has now been thrown into question. And the worse part, I will never be able to confront him about my discovery. I am never going to get closure. I don’t know who to talk to about my findings.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): As sad and uncomfortable as this may sound, he’s not here for you to cuss him out or demand his accountability. You need to understand that you are not in the wrong here. You have no reason what-so-ever to feel shame about your finding. I am telling you for a fact that, men harbor secret lives more often than you women do. And that’s why for whatever strange reason – a lot more men are dying prematurely than women. He made his bed six feet under, and is resting peacefully in it. When a man intentionally lies to you, or chooses to hide a fundamental truth from you to avoid accountability or take responsibility for something, he’s always had it in whatever his love for you was packaged in – an intention to deceive you one day. Do you have access to his phone?

Lerato: No

DBM: Where is his phone?

Lerato: With my mother-in-law

DBM: Why is your husband’s phone with his mother?

Lerato: I haven’t even thought of it. My mother-in-law was here in October to December, 2025. My husband was buried in December, and my son told me in November that he had seen his father’s phone in his grandmother’s possession. In one of the many pictures hidden in the book was my mother-in-law and the children of the other woman when they were babies.

DBM: She’s been in the known. She’s known all this while and had made the decision to keep it from you too. His siblings are probably in the known too. That’s the kind of family you’re married into.

Lerato: How stupid of me. I’ve been so trusting and clueless.

DBM: That doesn’t also mean you should be cherry-picking your memories of him. He was human, with all of his complexities. Your husband was flawed but he was also tender. He’s dead, and it’s your choice to fondly remember him for who and what he meant to you – though he kinda, sucks now.

Lerato: Do I reach out to the other woman and her children?

DBM: Do you want to?

Lerato: No

DBM: Then don’t. You don’t have to accept them in your grief or adopt them as your family. Your mother-in-law will continue to take on that role since she’s been kind and welcoming to them.

Lerato: How about my kids, do I need to tell them about their half-siblings?

DBM: There is never a perfect time to disclose this kind of information to anyone. Do it when you feel the time is right. Is that time right now?

Lerato: No

DBM: Exactly! This is going to be big news for any child. It is big enough news even for you – as it’s still influencing your feelings and thought processes. So, just make sure you know exactly how you feel about all that you have discovered, and whether or not you can be as objective and neutral as possible before breaking the news to your children.

Lerato: Ok. Thank you

Image Credit: Dydx Dominic 

Selective Amnesia

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyson: My wife and I moved into our new neighborhood barely ten months ago and we are still settling in and slowly making new friends. Dave, a month and a half ago, I returned from work to something seriously bizarre. My neighbor’s daughter was in my living room with my wife, waiting for me. The moment I entered, she stood up, mentioned my name, and then in the presence of my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very shocked because I do not know this young girl.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Just like that?

Tyson: Just like that

DBM: I don’t believe you. You know her, one way or the other.

Tyson: This is where you sometimes get it wrong Dave. You’re quick to judge a man unfairly. What man do man? I swear on my mother’s life. I do not know this girl. I have not spoken to her before. I have not touched her before.

DBM: How old is she?

Tyson: She’s a teenager

DBM: Early or late teens?

Tyson: 16 or 17 I believe

DBM: What do you mean by you don’t know her? You’ve seen her before, no? She’s the neighbor’s daughter.

Tyson: I don’t know her. I have never spoken to her before. It’s her father and mother I usually greet on my way out.

DBM: That’s strange

Tyson: And scary

DBM: What was your initial reaction when you were greeted with this information?

Tyson: I laughed at first because she wasn’t making any sense to me. I reacted instead of responding. But when I realized she was dead serious on pinning her pregnancy on me, I was stunned, and terrified all at once. I do not know this girl from anywhere. Secondly, I play away matches only. I’m not that stupid to be playing matches from home.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tyson: 3 years

DBM: How old are you?

Tyson: 42

DBM: What was your wife’s response?

Tyson: She was as confused as I was

DBM: When you make reference to ‘playing away matches’, does it mean you cheat on your wife?

Tyson: Sometimes

DBM: How has this changed things between you and your wife?

Tyson: My wife doesn’t know whom to believe and I am really not ready for this kind of event. At first, I thought she was lying about being pregnant but a test was done and she is pregnant. Her parents believe her story and are expecting me to take responsibility. That pregnancy isn’t mine.

DBM: What do you think she’s trying to achieve by falsely accusing you of something you claim you did not do?

Tyson: I claim I did not do? Really, Dave. Smh.

DBM: Men like you, I know how you think. You know how to conveniently forget specific events or your own hurtful actions while remembering almost everything else. You are experts in gaslighting your wives when they catch you in an act. You can manage to someway; somehow rewrite a situation you created for your wife to doubt her own reality of what she knows and believe you did.

Tyson: You’re wrong about me. I do not understand what she’s up to but she’s playing on my nerves. I’ve demanded for a DNA test.

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with anyone outside of your marriage?

Tyson: More than two months ago

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: An old flame

DBM: Prior to that, when last did you have sex with someone different?

Tyson: 3 months ago.

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: A girl I met at a party

DBM: What’s her name?

Tyson: I don’t remember

DBM: Why don’t you remember?

Tyson: Because she was a complete stranger. One thing led to another and …

DBM: And?

Tyson: We had sex

DBM: How was it?

Tyson: The sex?

DBM: Yes

Tyson: It wasn’t mind blowing. I don’t think I remember the details of it

DBM: Why not?

Tyson: Drank too much vodka soda

DBM: Was it protected sex?

Tyson: Always

DBM: What did the girl look like?

Tyson: How would I know?

DBM: Was she tall, short, slender, dark in complexion, etc.?

Tyson: Shit

DBM: What?

Image Credit: Ekam Juneja

(Update) Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda:  It was good we spoke on Tuesday, Dave. I invited one of our friends who is a doctor to come to our house to perform a rapid HIV test on us. Our samples were collected and he mixed it with a special solution. We got our results in less than 40 minutes. My husband tested positive. I am negative so far. Initially, he was lying about not knowing his status but our friend had pushed further for the truth and he caved. A young student he’s been supporting and sleeping with exposed him to it. She contracted it from her boyfriend on Legon campus.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did the student find out about her status?

Belinda: According to my husband, she was hospitalized for almost two weeks in January of 2025. He initially thought she was pregnant but she was sick with PCP pneumonia, which was how they found out and got him to also test. He was negative. He showed us the result from 2025. The doctor made me understand it’s a possibility that the virus developed later without him realizing it.

DBM: What’s next? Are you planning on arranging for a confirmatory test to be done to rule out the chances of you contracting the virus?

Belinda: Yes. In 4 months.

DBM: B, I’m terribly sorry

Belinda: The diagnosis is a surprise to me, especially knowing I have never stepped outside of our relationship and marriage. This is all on him. What he has done has affected any prospect of a future together. I will keep you updated in few months.

DBM: Good luck!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Not Eating

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wilson: My best friend is in prison. She was being investigated for murdering her husband. She did not confess to the crime but she told me once that she wasn’t going to let him get away with something he had done. My husband is my biggest partner in crime because we gossip together a lot. I jokingly told him about the threat my friend had made one day on the way home from a party, and the next morning, we heard about the demise of my friend’s husband. To be clear David, I don’t know what she did but the medical examiners tested his blood, urine and internal organs to detect lethal substances. He was poisoned.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): By?

Wilson: I don’t know. My friend, allegedly.

DBM: What did her late husband do?

Wilson: He was living a double life.

DBM: An affair?

Wilson: Yes, that had produced a child. Fast forward to April 2026; I found out that my own husband is expecting a child with another woman. I’ve been trying to smile and pretend that everything around me is fine but it’s not. I can forgive my husband but he doesn’t believe I’m capable of letting go. He’s not ate food from my kitchen since April, 12.

DBM: Where’s he feeding then?

Wilson: I don’t know. He comes home not hungry.

DBM: Then he’s not hungry

Wilson: Dave, we’re talking about my husband. He can wake me up at dawn to fry shrimps and put it in sauce for him to eat. His crave for food has no time zone

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wilson: 10 years.

DBM: Kids?

Wilson: Yes. We have children. Initially, I was thinking he probably wasn’t hungry but we’re in June and he’s still not hungry to eat my food?

DBM: Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to eat your food. That is also okay. The fewer the merrier.

Wilson: But it’s upsetting me.

DBM: Why?

Wilson: He thinks I’m going to poison him

DBM: He specifically told you that?

Wilson: No, but what else could it mean?

DBM: Have you communicated your concerns to him?

Wilson: I have

DBM: And?

Wilson: He doesn’t take it seriously. He tells me not to worry

DBM: Is your husband happily married to you?

Wilson: He has a baby on the way with another woman. Will a happily married man do that?

DBM: Marriages go through tough times like these sometimes. It doesn’t mean it has to shake the foundations on which it was built.

Wilson: Mine is currently shaking. Trust has been broken

DBM: Fair enough. Has the affair been addressed?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: How long has it been going on?

Wilson: 3 years. That is what he told me

DBM: Do you believe him?

Wilson: No

DBM: Does your husband have insight into how he’s hurt you with his actions, or he’s oblivious?

Wilson: He’s apologized

DBM: And?

Wilson: I have forgiven but not forgotten.

DBM: Is he truly sorry for his choice or sorry because he got caught?

Wilson: He is sorry because I found out about the pregnancy

DBM: How did you find out?

Wilson: A friend of mine is a nurse. She informed me about it.

DBM: How did she know?

Wilson: She saw them leaving the hospital where she works, together, in his car. She took a picture of them from a distance.

DBM: Is this an isolated event, sort of, or you think it’s a pattern?

Wilson: I think he’s been unfaithful to me all these 10 years with other women.

DBM: How do you know?

Wilson: I just know, from some of the chats on his phone.

DBM: You touched his phone?

Wilson: I had to, when he was asleep

DBM: Do you have the depth and strength to recover from this?

Wilson: I don’t know because I will never trust him again. Dave, I am angry and depressed and I have anxiety. Going through these emotions alone is difficult.

DBM: I can only imagine. Is he at least, showing up for you – to make it up to you?

Wilson: He can start by eating from my kitchen

DBM: This again? Lol! How is that important?

Wilson: It is important to me

DBM: Have you considered seeking counseling from a professional therapist?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: Okay?

Wilson: I’m talking to you.

DBM: I am not a counselor

Wilson: You are to me

DBM: You need to speak with a professional

Wilson: I feel comfortable talking to you about it.

DBM: Understood, but I am not trained for this

Wilson: Ok

DBM: A three-year affair that is producing a child isn’t purely physical. There is a deep emotional connection already built. The intimacy they share has been over amplified, meaning, he perceives the intimacy he shares with you to be lacking something. Something is making your husband drift apart from you.

Wilson: What do I do?

DBM: Talk

Wilson: Over dinner, anaa? I cook, we sit and eat together and talk.

DBM: Yeah!

Wilson: That’s the point I’ve been making all along. He has to start eating from home.

DBM: You’ve really forgiven him?

Wilson: I think so. I want him to end the relationship with her.

DBM: What if he doesn’t want to?

Wilson: I will put myself in a different place doing different things.

DBM: You don’t have plans of poisoning him, do you?

Wilson: Not yet

Image Credit: The Only Abdulla

My Father’s Son

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Maryam: I fell in love and got pregnant for a man who we later found out is my father.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh!

Maryam: Yes

DBM: How are you doing?

Maryam: I’m fine today

DBM: How old are you?

Maryam: 27

DBM: You grew up not knowing who your father was?

Maryam: My mother was 18 years old when she got pregnant with me. She was involved with my father for a month and she never got to see him again.

DBM: How so?

Maryam: She couldn’t really explain the full story. They were meeting to hook up for that month in a guest house. She didn’t know where he lived or worked. All she knew was his first name and what he looked like.

DBM: Did he know about the pregnancy?

Maryam: No

DBM: What was his reason for disappearing on your mom?

Maryam: He had been transferred to the North, and was in the process of packing out when he met my mother. He remembers casually meeting with several women to have fun with and wasn’t particularly thinking any of them could get pregnant.

DBM; So, it wasn’t an exclusive something with your mother?

Maryam: Not according to him.

DBM: But he knew your mother’s name, no?

Maryam: Vaguely, but he remembered her face when he saw a picture of her.

DBM: Ha!

Maryam: I gave birth to my own brother.

DBM: You carried the pregnancy to term?

Maryam: I was in my 32 – 33ish weeks’ gestation. It couldn’t have been aborted

DBM: I see. How did you meet?

Maryam: In traffic. He gave me a lift home after work, and he pursued me afterwards.

DBM: You’re single?

Maryam: Yes

DBM: I’m guessing he’s a single man too, no?

Maryam: He’s married

DBM: You knew of his marital status before or after your first intimate encounter?

Maryam: After

DBM: I see. And, how long have you two been an item?

Maryam: We met on February 11th, 2025

DBM: How long has he been married to his wife?

Maryam: 12 years

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Maryam: I’m not sure Dave. I feel hurt and heartbroken. It’s disappointing and devastating to say the least.

DBM: Do you love him?

Maryam: I am in love with him. He’s the gentlest, most emotionally available, kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

DBM: Does he love you?

Maryam: I don’t know, but I knew I was falling in love with him when I realized how often he would call me every evening, wanting to share details about his day with me, and wanting to know about mine.

DBM: How did you find out he was your dad?

Maryam: I visited my mother to inform her about my pregnancy. She wanted to know about the father of the child. I showed her pictures of him.

DBM: How old is your dad?

Maryam: In his late 40’s

DBM: How does he feel about everything happening?

Maryam: We’re still trying to figure out whatever this situation is

DBM: How is your mother processing everything that has happened?

Maryam: She’s trying not to venture into the land of self-pity

DBM: Are you still being intimate with this guy?

Maryam: No, but he visits me at home every day. He’s taken over the full responsibility as a father should, to his son.

DBM: What is your mother’s relationship with him now like?

Maryam: She has no relationship with him. They’ve talked only once, after introducing them.

DBM: Is your mother married?

Maryam: Yes.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

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