Tag: Fears

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Marc

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 65: Call me Marc

DBM: Hello Marc. How would you describe yourself?

Marc: A family man; husband to my wife, father to my children.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Marc: 4

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Marc: My wife has not returned to the house since Thursday of January 12th this year. Suddenly, I am my kids only parent.

DBM: How many children do you have?

Marc: I have two wonderful kids

DBM: Do you know where your wife is?

Marc: No, but she speaks to me and the kids on phone sometimes

DBM: Do you know when she would be returning home?

Marc: She says she needs some time alone

DBM: How are the kids managing in her absence?

Marc: My son says she was at their school the Thursday afternoon, to inform them about her decision to go away. She bought phones for them and have been calling and sending them money.

DBM: How old are your children?

Marc: 11 and 9

DBM: What are your in-laws telling you?

Marc: Nothing. They do not know where she is

DBM: Does your wife have a job?

Marc: She resigned before the 12th of January

DBM: Did you know?

Marc: I found out from her employers on the 13th of January, when I went to her workplace.

DBM: Do you know why she’s taken off?

Marc: Apparently, she told my children before leaving that she had been trying to convince herself that she was happy being with me when she was not.

DBM: She speaks with you sometimes, no?

Marc: Yes

DBM: What has she told you?

Marc: She’s leaving the marriage

DBM: Is this a conversation you’ve both had, prior to January 12?

Marc: Yes, and I made it clear I wasn’t in agreement. I love my wife, and will be willing to do anything to save our marriage

DBM: In your opinion, is your marriage working?

Marc: My marriage is just like any other relationship; there is nothing perfect about it. I am equally paying the tough price in order to create and maintain a happy home for us.

DBM: Do you think you could be struggling with accepting that, maybe, something isn’t working in your marriage – and that could be the reason why your wife had to walk away?

Marc: Massa, no relationship is easy. Even the best of marriages have issues in there that they deal with daily. We have our issues to work out, and I have been here, willing to talk it out. I have made a lot of sacrifices and changes – just to accommodate my wife

DBM: Why is your wife unhappy?

Marc: That’s the question she’s refusing to answer. She once told me she feels alone and trapped, and that, it wasn’t about me.

DBM: Do you think she found herself in a relationship that was a wrong fit?

Marc: Dave, marriage is like having a second good job. Most great jobs may pay well but that doesn’t mean they’re comfortable and easy. Whenever I get home, I know I am entering into my second, full-time job. I take off work and put on family. I roll up my sleeves and start working on what needs to be done

DBM: Like?

Marc: Giving my wife a hug or kiss, asking about her day, checking on the children and asking about their day; eating if there is food etc. My wife is my best friend, and truly one of the best human beings alive

DBM: Are you her best friend?

Marc: I’d want to believe so. She treats me right, even though I realized she was drifting apart as at last year.

DBM: What do you think your wife feels is missing in your marriage?

Marc: I don’t think I know

DBM: Do you know what she is searching for that she couldn’t possibly find in you?

Marc: Maybe, a new man. That could be my only answer. I am a good man Dave

DBM: I don’t doubt that. Question is, why couldn’t your good self be enough for her?

Marc: Can I ask you a question?

DBM: Ask away

Marc: Do you believe in marriage?

DBM: I do

Marc: How would you know your person is enough for you?

DBM: When I am not putting more of my effort into making the relationship work than I am enjoying being with my partner (who would/should qualify as the love of my life)

Marc: David, how do you know someone is the love of your life?

DBM: I just would know.

Marc: How?

DBM: I am supposed to be asking you the questions

Marc: Bruv, we’re having a chat to help me understand things from a different perspective

DBM: When I do not have to wonder where my relationship with you is heading; when I do not have to question whether or not you care about me, because I would already know how much you love me. This is due to the fact that you step up every day in your actions to make it clear to me that, you want me in your life, just as I am

Marc: Hmmm!

DBM: What is your intuition telling you?

Marc: My wife is not in love with me, and I am the one forcing her to stay with me

DBM: Do you see your wife happy with you?

Marc: I can make her happy

DBM: I believe you can, but is she in awe of you as her man?

Marc: I don’t think so

DBM: Do you believe she knows you’re a good man?

Marc: She does

DBM: Good is just not good enough for some people. I see marriage to be for one’s pleasure

Marc: My wife is my greatest pleasure

DBM: Are you her greatest pleasure? These are some of the questions you need to ask. She may be making you happy but you clearly aren’t her definition of happiness

Marc: We’ve done almost 13 years of marriage

DBM: Letting go can sometimes feel impossible, especially when you do not have much about someone or something to complain about. But it’s the right thing to do to let go, if your wife feels lonely and caged with you in her life.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Mr

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 64: Call me Mr.

DBM: Hi Mr. How would you describe yourself?

Mr: A concerned father

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Mr: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Mr: I have a 13-year-old son who acts very girly. When he was younger, my wife caught him a few times dressing like a girl. He would wear his sister’s shoes, paint his nails, wear his mother wigs etc. When he is arguing with his siblings, he claps his hands like an angry woman and can be very dramatic. He rolls his eyes like a girl, pout his lips like a girl, walk like a model, play with his sister’s barbie dolls, the list goes on. My mother visited us one day and saw him cross-dressing. She told my wife to keep an eye on him. My son reminds me so much of my cousin

DBM: What’s wrong with your cousin?

Mr: I don’t want to talk about him

DBM: Does your son still act that way in his teens?

Mr: Not so much to my knowledge. But he still acts girly, paints his lips and nails sometimes. He likes wearing tight clothes to show his curves. I think he’s having a hard time in school. He hasn’t said anything to this effect, but I feel like people make fun of him

DBM: What’s his favorite hobby?

Mr: Applying make-up on his sister, female friends, dolls and dressing them up. Someone told me it’s a phase he is going through

DBM: Do you wish for it to be a phase?

Mr: Yes. It’s very embarrassing when we’re in public. Everybody notices the elephant in our midst.

DBM: What does your wife think of him?

Mr: We’re both afraid of the probability of him ending up like my cousin who is rumored to be a homosexual.

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Mr: A boy and a girl, two.

DBM: Have you asked him why he is always behaving like a girl?

Mr: Yes. He says he doesn’t know how to act boyish like his male friends. The least thing, and he’s crying. He thinks everybody is against him.

DBM: Does it look like everybody is against him?

Mr: We do that on purpose sometimes at home. We have tried to expose him to boyish ideas but he doesn’t seem to change.

DBM: Explain the ‘trying to expose him to boyish ideas …’

Mr: We forced him to act like a boy

DBM: And, was he interested in your ideas?

Mr: No. He felt attacked and would cry

DBM: He was uncomfortable

Mr: We’re also uncomfortable with his way of life. What else can a parent do in such a situation?

DBM: Stop forcing him into the boy role

Mr: We are a Christian household living by this scripture, ‘train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.’ (Prov. 22:6.) I want him to be the boy who will grow into a man, to love a woman

DBM: Did your parents have a hand in your decision to love your wife?

Mr: No

DBM: Why do you want to involve yourself in your son’s future love life?

Mr: He needs to know what is right and wrong

DBM: What is right?

Mr: A boy has to act like a boy

DBM: How do boys act?

Mr: They act straight, and like girls

DBM: You want my candid opinion?

Mr: Yes

DBM: Teach your son how to be a great human being, and just be patient with him.

Mr: I want to teach him how to be a great BOY

DBM: And, what if your boy is created to be more in touch with his feminine side?

Mr: What if I don’t want that?

DBM: What if that is what makes him his own person, and would need his father and mother help him to be comfortable with who he is?

Mr: Who he is gravitating towards to is in Genesis 19:1-38

DBM: What is in Genesis 19?

Mr: Sodom and Gomorrah

DBM: Those are names of cities

Mr: Dave, you know the story I am talking about.

DBM: You, just like the others in church practice selective outrage. You pick scriptures from the Bible that you can run to – to justify your positions against same gender attraction and love. Sodom and Gomorrah is not a story about homosexuality. It’s a lesson on violence, rape (a mob of men wanting to assault innocent Angels/men). Your son growing up to fall in love with another guy (should that be his path) has nothing whatsoever to do with a crowd of guys trying to rape somebody in Genesis 19.

Mr: You’re misinterpreting the verse

DBM: I am just telling you my understanding of the scripture you quoted. In Genesis 19:6-8, Lot goes out to meet the angry mob at his entrance and begs them to rather rape his two virgin daughters. It’s a shame that some of you so-called Christians would rather identify homosexuality in that scripture, but not address the sexual violence against women and men.

Mr: God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. That is what I don’t want to happen to my son

DBM: Those cities were destroyed by GOD because of their pride, idolatry, wickedness, corruption, lack of empathy and care for the poor and needy. Read Ezekiel 16:49-50

Mr: Let’s end this argument; it’s not heading anywhere for me

DBM: I do not know the Will of GOD for your son, but please do not stress yourself too much about him being gay. At 13 years, he is still too young to determine his sexual orientation.

Mr: What if he ends up becoming what I fear the most?

DBM: Then you face your fears like a man. Fear usually sprawls from not knowing very much about that very thing we fear. Get close to your son to know him more; talk to/with your son to understand how he thinks and feels; make him feel like you accept and love him for whomever he is. GOD blessed you with this child as an opportunity to teach him about unconditional love and acceptance.

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