Tag: Friends

Not Eating

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. Leave a Comment

Wilson: My best friend is in prison. She was being investigated for murdering her husband. She did not confess to the crime but she told me once that she wasn’t going to let him get away with something he had done. My husband is my biggest partner in crime because we gossip together a lot. I jokingly told him about the threat my friend had made one day on the way home from a party, and the next morning, we heard about the demise of my friend’s husband. To be clear David, I don’t know what she did but the medical examiners tested his blood, urine and internal organs to detect lethal substances. He was poisoned.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): By?

Wilson: I don’t know. My friend, allegedly.

DBM: What did her late husband do?

Wilson: He was living a double life.

DBM: An affair?

Wilson: Yes, that had produced a child. Fast forward to April 2026; I found out that my own husband is expecting a child with another woman. I’ve been trying to smile and pretend that everything around me is fine but it’s not. I can forgive my husband but he doesn’t believe I’m capable of letting go. He’s not ate food from my kitchen since April, 12.

DBM: Where’s he feeding then?

Wilson: I don’t know. He comes home not hungry.

DBM: Then he’s not hungry

Wilson: Dave, we’re talking about my husband. He can wake me up at dawn to fry shrimps and put it in sauce for him to eat. His crave for food has no time zone

DBM: How long have you been married?

Wilson: 10 years.

DBM: Kids?

Wilson: Yes. We have children. Initially, I was thinking he probably wasn’t hungry but we’re in June and he’s still not hungry to eat my food?

DBM: Leave the man alone. He doesn’t want to eat your food. That is also okay. The fewer the merrier.

Wilson: But it’s upsetting me.

DBM: Why?

Wilson: He thinks I’m going to poison him

DBM: He specifically told you that?

Wilson: No, but what else could it mean?

DBM: Have you communicated your concerns to him?

Wilson: I have

DBM: And?

Wilson: He doesn’t take it seriously. He tells me not to worry

DBM: Is your husband happily married to you?

Wilson: He has a baby on the way with another woman. Will a happily married man do that?

DBM: Marriages go through tough times like these sometimes. It doesn’t mean it has to shake the foundations on which it was built.

Wilson: Mine is currently shaking. Trust has been broken

DBM: Fair enough. Has the affair been addressed?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: How long has it been going on?

Wilson: 3 years. That is what he told me

DBM: Do you believe him?

Wilson: No

DBM: Does your husband have insight into how he’s hurt you with his actions, or he’s oblivious?

Wilson: He’s apologized

DBM: And?

Wilson: I have forgiven but not forgotten.

DBM: Is he truly sorry for his choice or sorry because he got caught?

Wilson: He is sorry because I found out about the pregnancy

DBM: How did you find out?

Wilson: A friend of mine is a nurse. She informed me about it.

DBM: How did she know?

Wilson: She saw them leaving the hospital where she works, together, in his car. She took a picture of them from a distance.

DBM: Is this an isolated event, sort of, or you think it’s a pattern?

Wilson: I think he’s been unfaithful to me all these 10 years with other women.

DBM: How do you know?

Wilson: I just know, from some of the chats on his phone.

DBM: You touched his phone?

Wilson: I had to, when he was asleep

DBM: Do you have the depth and strength to recover from this?

Wilson: I don’t know because I will never trust him again. Dave, I am angry and depressed and I have anxiety. Going through these emotions alone is difficult.

DBM: I can only imagine. Is he at least, showing up for you – to make it up to you?

Wilson: He can start by eating from my kitchen

DBM: This again? Lol! How is that important?

Wilson: It is important to me

DBM: Have you considered seeking counseling from a professional therapist?

Wilson: Yes

DBM: Okay?

Wilson: I’m talking to you.

DBM: I am not a counselor

Wilson: You are to me

DBM: You need to speak with a professional

Wilson: I feel comfortable talking to you about it.

DBM: Understood, but I am not trained for this

Wilson: Ok

DBM: A three-year affair that is producing a child isn’t purely physical. There is a deep emotional connection already built. The intimacy they share has been over amplified, meaning, he perceives the intimacy he shares with you to be lacking something. Something is making your husband drift apart from you.

Wilson: What do I do?

DBM: Talk

Wilson: Over dinner, anaa? I cook, we sit and eat together and talk.

DBM: Yeah!

Wilson: That’s the point I’ve been making all along. He has to start eating from home.

DBM: You’ve really forgiven him?

Wilson: I think so. I want him to end the relationship with her.

DBM: What if he doesn’t want to?

Wilson: I will put myself in a different place doing different things.

DBM: You don’t have plans of poisoning him, do you?

Wilson: Not yet

Image Credit: The Only Abdulla

Fixing A Hole

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Wendy: Dave, should I concern myself about the kinds of friends my husband keep?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know these friends of his personally?

Wendy: No, but something inside me doesn’t trust them to keep him safe.

DBM: Does he feel safe around them?

Wendy: I think so

DBM: Safety is a knowing. It’s a conviction. If he’s convinced in his spirit that hanging out with them feels right, then let him.

Wendy: But what if he doesn’t see what I’m seeing?

DBM: What do you see? Because whatever your intentions are should not rub off negatively on him.

Wendy: I don’t want his character to be corrupted. My husband is a good man, Dave. I fear he will change

DBM: If he’s a good man, let him be his good self even amongst bad company. Good character stands out and does not blend in. Trying to keep someone safe out of fear or insecurity sometimes feels like manipulation.

Wendy: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I just told you what I would have done.

Wendy: You just told me theoretically, what you would have done. Be practical with me

DBM: I would show him that I trust his decision-making and thought processes, and expect the best outcome. If he’s a good man as you claim, then that’s exactly what he would be and do: Good, by himself and by you. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Wendy: If you say so

DBM: Give him the space he needs

Wendy: To spend time with his friends. Ok.

DBM: Well, he’s supposed to have a life of his own outside of you and the children, no?

Wendy: I hear.

DBM: Is that all that is on your mind?

Wendy: No.

DBM: What’s left?

Wendy: How do I let him understand that I get tired handling household chores and the kids all by myself.

DBM: Whoever asked you to be doing everything around the house by yourself?

Wendy: Dave, I’m a wife. He expects these to be done by me but I am tired of cooking, cleaning, washing, attending to the kids etc. It’s too much stress. I work and come home to more work.

DBM: Then stop stressing yourself. Stop doing it all by yourself. There should be enough room for your husband to also step up and be responsible at home. Attend to what is important to you and leave the rest to him to figure out. Take care of your own self because no one else would.

Wendy: You make it sound so simple

DBM: You just told me your husband is a good man. A decent man knows when to step up to add to your happiness. In my home, I support my partner with household chores. Unless I’m overseas and not physically present at home; I help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, I wash dirty dishes as and when, and take out trash. Yes, somebody has to get it done but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your sole responsibility. Do not put house chores on your shoulder because you are a wife.  A man who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing comes through for you – because at the back of his mind, he knows and understands that, nothing makes him happier than seeing you happy. Question is, are you happy?

Wendy: No. I will come back with update.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

GOD Comes Through

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife usually wakes up around 2:30 AM to pray. She will quietly get up and try not to disturb my sleep. Most of the time I will hear the bedroom door gently being opened and closed when she’s heading to the living room. I am not the easiest guy to be married to, and I know my wife a lot of the time cannot deal with my anger and temperament. I am very aware of my flaws and have been trying to work on myself. I was feeling very hungry for whatever reason this specific dawn, and so I got up to go and warm leftover soup in the kitchen.

My wife had her headphones on and was seated at the dinning table, praying. I went to the kitchen, put the soup on fire, lowered the heat and returned to our bedroom to relax on the bed. I didn’t realize when or how but I had dozed off. The next thing I heard was my wife screaming and calling out my name. I woke up inhaling intense smoke coming from the hallway. Flames. Sparks gushing from the kitchen. Our house was on fire and my wife and kids had already run out, screaming for help.

I brought a baggage of insecurities into our marriage that my wife found it very difficult to address because I would always be on the defense. To the extent that I had failed to even admit I had left soup on fire and gone back to sleep. I couldn’t take the blame. By the time the fire truck arrived, our house had burnt down. We lost everything. Dave, my hands were literally on my head while I cried out. I was still barefooted walking from one edge of our compound to the other.

My daily routine suddenly had changed. I was now officially bent on worrying every day about how we were going to start all over again. I would leave our early morning quiet time feeling encouraged by the word of God explained by my wife. My wife takes the bible to its word, she ends up always boosting my confidence in God, but my mid-day, the worries had returned. Man was afraid. Man was in doubt. Man had lost hope. Man couldn’t forgive himself for being reckless. Man couldn’t tell his wife the truth about the soup he left on fire.

Fast forward to five months later. I received a phone call from an unknown number. He was a former school mate. He used to eat from my chop box. We were good friends. He had heard about my incident and wanted us to meet for lunch at his house. The moment he saw me approaching his car, he smiled. I couldn’t smile back but he kept smiling. He put his arm around my shoulder and called me by my nickname. That forced a light smile out of me.

“You look like you haven’t eaten for 30 years. Are you hungry?” he asked. I wasn’t. I just needed money and to be left alone. “You know you’re going to be fine?” he kept whispering, calmly and quietly. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I lost everything that dawn in the fire. Everything that mattered to me. “But you didn’t lose your wife and children. Those are the important people that matter” he spoke. I got to later find out he owned a construction company and the four-bedroom house we were standing in front of was one of the properties he had built to put on the market. He waved the keys in my face, made another silly joke about my posture before handing it over to me.

“God spoke to me. He instructed me to remember you. He has been guiding my decisions. This particular prompting didn’t make sense to me. But he said he had made a promise to your wife. God says he keeps his promises. He says your wife has waited on him for long, and he has to come through for her. Welcome to your new home.”

Some jokes we know are expensive. This wasn’t one of them. Who would have thought a simple act of kindness that happened in Secondary School, 29 years ago, from Form 1 to Form 3; allowing this poor kid to be eating whatever he wanted from my chop box because I had more than enough could create a positive impact on his life. I thought I only was deriving life satisfaction and fulfilment from seeing a friend get fed and feeling thankful. My aid meant nothing to me. It was simply a small gesture but it made a difference in improving his situation. His aid towards me and my family in our time of need made a big difference in our lives. It’s good to know there are still good people left in this world who are willing to come through for others in need of their assistance.

Image Credit: Andrey Karpov

Let’s Talk To Light Soup

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 62: Light Soup

DBM: Hi Light Soup. How would you describe yourself?

LS: 41 years, married, a father, gainfully employed, and I think I am a good friend to my friends. I am the type to support my inner circle if they’re feeling down. I love football and hanging out with my peers.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

LS: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

LS: I loaned one of my friends’ money. The agreement was he had to pay back after four months. Because of the amount involved, I suggested he rather made monthly payments of a certain percentage. He felt it would be too much pressure on him, and so he opted to make a one-time payment instead on the due date.

DBM: How much are we talking about?

LS: 8,000 Ghs.

DBM: When did you give him the money?

LS: August 2022

DBM: Has he paid?

LS: No! Not even 1 Ghs.

DBM: What is his excuse?

LS: The excuses are different every time, but sickness has been the most used

DBM: Why did you give him the money?

LS: He played the sickness card on me; said the daughter needed surgery, and I couldn’t just sit back and do nothing.

DBM: Was the daughter truly ill?

LS: I met the wife one day, and I asked about their daughter’s surgery and she said I might be confusing her with another’s incident. She was clueless, and so I blamed it on a mix-up.

DBM: When was this?

LS: October 2022

DBM: Did you confront your buddy?

LS: I did not. I just wanted my money back in December, 2022.

DBM: Did you make him sign a promissory note to effect payment?

LS: No. We had the extended conversation on WhatsApp, after his phone call. I have proof via our chat

DBM: Was this his first time of asking you for help?

LS: Yes, but he had been taking smaller amounts from our circle of friends.

DBM: The surgery lie aside, does your friend genuinely seem to be in need of help?

LS: I think so

DBM: Does he work?

LS: He’s employed

DBM: What’s his profession?

LS: He’s in academia, a lecturer at the university

DBM: How urgent do you need the money?

LS: I had budgeted to use it for the Christmas holidays. Because I was sure he was going to pay back, I planned with it and didn’t put aside anything. I am very disappointed in him right now. I stopped calling him in February, because I am really hurt.

DBM: It’s never a good idea to lend family and friends money. If you’re gifting the person cash, that’s a totally different story.

LS: The sad part is, I had been blessing him and his family with money prior to the loan.

DBM: I know how you’re feeling. I have been a victim of being played by some friends I loaned out monies to. For some reason, I think they see me to be ‘okay’ in life, and so they’re refusing to pay back – forgetting I had to deny myself some things in order to give them the money

LS: What do you think I should do?

DBM: Are you in a financial bind? As in, do you really, really need the money paid?

LS: Not really, but I still feel it’s disrespectful on his part

DBM: It is, unfortunately. And he will realize it sooner than later, because there is coming a time in his life to desperately need your help again. I am speaking from experience.

LS: How did you handle yours?

DBM: I forced myself to create a mental ledger, in order to consider the almost GHs 11,000 in-total loan given them as their buying out of their friendship with me fee. I respond to them nicely when they check on, or meet me somewhere. I tolerate them for the short time they’re in touch, and that’s that.

LS: I don’t know if I can do that. We used to be really cool buddies

DBM: You’d have to learn how to if you do not want to find yourself getting angry or upset if he’s to decline repayment.

LS: What if he pays back eventually?

DBM: Count it as a bonus, and his friendship still bought out.

LS: I don’t understand why some people find it ok not to be trustworthy

DBM: Some people genuinely are struggling to keep ahead of their bills and life in general. Life happens to people who are ordinarily trustworthy, to sometimes become liars. Many of such people are feeling very low and anxious; especially when they lose their jobs, and are made redundant somewhat. A lot of people are struggling with debt. Let’s not rule out that fact.

LS: Truth

DBM: I have needed people’s help and support to survive in a time in my life; reason why I was encouraged to pay it forward when I got back on my feet.

LS: Are you still loaning people money?

DBM: No. I’m at a point in my life that I need to be conscious of putting on my own oxygen mask on before reaching out a helping hand. If I am in the position to support someone at a point, of course, I do.

LS: Should I call him one last time to demand for my money before considering our friendship bought out? But charley, 8k no bi small cash o

DBM: It’s a lot off money, I agree with you. Call him if that’s going to sit well with your conscience

LS: Thank you David. You’re nice

DBM: You’re welcome. There are other good people out there for us to experience as friends. You seem like a good man. Allow others in need of a true friend to share in your wonderful friendship.

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To SL

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 27: Sister Lydia or SL

DBM: Hello SL. Please tell me a little about yourself.

SL: Wife. Mother. Sister. Friend. Software Engineering Manager

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SL: Are you a counselor, David?

DBM: No please, I am not.

SL: Why do you want us to talk to you?

DBM: I’ve always wanted to host a platform where people with something to say could openly, and fully speak their thoughts, without me interrupting. I think I am easy to talk to – when I am in a good mood, and can listen without necessarily judging. Also, I want people to feel heard and understood. I find value in every conversation I have with people.

SL: I’ve been a silent follower of your Facebook platform for years. I like the different conversations on your website. I want to talk to you because I think you’re a wonderful person, kind, un-judging and welcoming.

DBM: Thank you!

SL: My husband thinks my best friends may lead me astray.

DBM: Is he right?

SL: No!

DBM: So, why is he thinking that about them?

SL: Because they’re not married and they live a certain type of life.

DBM: What’s their lifestyle like?

SL: They roll with the big shots and they get paid for their time and services. They sometimes smoke, drink and live large.

DBM: What type of service do they provide?

SL: Men with class make offers to pay them money to keep them entertained. They’re basically compensated for their time and energy.

DBM: How old are you?

SL: I am in my thirties

DBM: Your friends are in that age bracket?

SL: Yes!

DBM: How long have you known them?

SL: 20+ years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

SL: Almost 10 years.

DBM: Why do you still keep your friends close?

SL: Dave, I am my best self when we’re together.

DBM: Do you smoke?

SL: I used to

DBM: Why did you stop?

SL: My husband didn’t like it.

DBM: Do you drink?

SL: Occasionally.

DBM: Like, when you’re with your friends?

SL: Yes! And at parties or functions

DBM: Did you used to be an escort?

SL: Lol! I wouldn’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: Just try

SL: I am a career woman as already indicated, and have been working for 11 years. But prior to getting married, I used to get paid thousands of Cedis, and sometimes, in Dollars a month for regular sex.

DBM: And, your husband knows about this past?

SL: No! And I don’t think it’s any of his business.

DBM: Agreed! How would you describe your friends and their way of living?

SL: Grown women enjoying their freedoms. They want more options. They want more money. They want to do whatever the hell they want, on their own terms.

DBM: Do you think your friends have the power to be a bad influence on you?

SL: I don’t think so. I’m a grown-ass woman with a mind of my own.

DBM: Do you think your husband’s concerns are valid?

SL: I have known these ladies longer than I’ve known my husband. They know me, I know them; we trust our bond, and hold dear our friendship. We’ve been through a lot together and have built memories that we cherish. They’re more than just friends, they’re my sisters. They’ve been my greatest support system to just let go like that.

DBM: Have you tried explaining all this to your husband?

SL: Yes, but he insists I choose between our family and them.

DBM: Have you also considered the probability of a bad influence, masked behind wonderful friendships or intensely loving relationships?

SL: My friends are good people. They’ve contributed money to support my family during a hard time in our marriage.

DBM: Your husband knows this?

SL: No! His pride wouldn’t have allowed him to take the help, if he knew it came from them.

DBM: Are you immune to the personalities of your friends?

SL: I don’t think so. No one is as perfect

DBM: Evaluate their behaviors and actions

SL: They’re loyal, hardworking; they’ve helped me in ways that I did not think could be possible; they can be humorous and down to earth; well-rounded bitches, strong-willed, independent, sexy, bold and very kind.

DBM: How many friends are they?

SL: They’re four. I am the fifth.

DBM: Do they like the fact that you are married and have a family of your own?

SL: They love my children and are happy for me and my marriage.

DBM: They like your husband?

SL: Very much, but he talks bad about them in their absence.

DBM: Do your friends talk bad about your husband?

SL: No!

DBM: Which of the two damage your self-confidence, leaving you to sometimes feel emotionally drained?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them has the tendency of stirring up negativity in your presence?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them make you feel the most invigorated, happiest, healthiest, inspired, motivated and innovative?

SL: My friends. No doubt about this one.

DBM: Which of them would you classify as fake?

SL: Explain the fakeness

DBM: As in, they act one way when they’re in your face, and another when not in your presence?

SL: My husband is the fakest.

DBM: Which of them is clingy, and wants you to only hang out with them – giving you unreasonable ultimatums?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them acts like a jealous imp?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them show up with love only at moments when they can benefit from having you as a friend?

SL: My husband. I sometimes think he’s an opportunist, though he makes his own money.

DBM: Is there any good at all to your husband?

SL: Why do you ask?

DBM: From the responses you’ve given, I cannot think far

SL: I love my husband. I am just sick and tired of his tantrums.

DBM: Would you choose your friends over your husband?

SL: If I am to compare my relationship with both, I would say my friends are the best company to keep.

DBM: Can you ask any one of your girl friends to grant me an exclusive interview into their daily lives and line of work? I feel like engaging one of them.

SL: That will be fine. We all follow you on Facebook.

DBM: I would appreciate that.

Image Credit: Idy Tanndy

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