The London Effect
Otwuaba: Dave, can you help me apologize to my husband?
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oo oh! What did you do?
Otwuaba: I left him for another man after he had brought me to London.
DBM: Why would you do something like that?
Otwuaba: I was talking to another man that I really liked.
DBM: Before or after marriage?
Otwuaba: Before.
DBM: And he knew you had married your husband?
Otwuaba: No
DBM: Why did you get married?
Otwuaba: Because my husband already had plans of letting me join him in the UK after marriage.
DBM: What were the plans of the other guy for you?
Otwuaba: He loves me. We’re still together. It’s just that he’s the type that wants to take things slow. I always wanted to be with him but it was taking a lot of time for him to save money for his ticket to Ghana, etc. He wasn’t going to marry me anytime soon, so I had to take matters into my own hands.
DBM: Are you still married to your husband?
Otwuaba: Yes
DBM: Where do I come in to help with your apology?
Otwuaba: He follows you on Facebook. I want him to know I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings.
DBM: No! Let’s not do that. You knew exactly what you were doing, so you just can’t pretend you didn’t.
Otwuaba: I knew what I was doing but I also loved my husband. It’s just that I loved the other man more
DBM: Does the other guy still think you’re single?
Otwuaba: No. I told him I got married but had to separate
DBM: Does he know you got married to your husband because you needed an escape route to London?
Otwuaba: No
DBM: What does he know about your husband?
Otwuaba: Not much
DBM: What is your family saying about what you’ve done?
Otwuaba: They’re disappointed in me
DBM: I see. Why haven’t you divorced your husband?
Otwuaba: I can’t
DBM: Why not? You’re with another man, no?
Otwuaba: I am on his UK Spouse Visa, and I only have a limited permission to stay in the UK.
DBM: Why hasn’t your husband informed the UK Visas and Immigration in writing to provide them with your full details and entry clearance? He should have your reference number, no?
Otwuaba: Yes
DBM: What you have done to that man jeopardizes your visa status, you know that, don’t you?
Otwuaba: I know
DBM: You’re not concerned about that?
Otwuaba: I am but not really.
DBM: Why not?
Otwuaba: I think my husband actually loves me and might be extending grace my way
DBM: Grace for whatever reason?
Otwuaba: He believes I might come back to him
DBM: Would you?
Otwuaba: No
DBM: And, he knows that?
Otwuaba: I think so. Also, I think he knew I wasn’t all that in with him. Maybe, he assured me of bringing me here to take my mind off the other guy.
DBM: Did he know the other man was in UK?
Otwuaba: No
DBM: You really played him uh?
Otwuaba: Not entirely, but he became a means to an end.
DBM: The man you are with, is he not interested in learning about your past? Is he not asking questions about your family, your background, getting to know your friends? Is no one in your circle telling him what you’ve done to your husband?
Otwuaba: He gets to know what I want him to know.
DBM: Is he not part of your social media?
Otwuaba: No
DBM: I see. So, what does the future look like with him?
Otwuaba: We’re still together. It’s been 2 years.
DBM: Oh my!
Otwuaba: I am pregnant
DBM: What is so special about him?
Otwuaba: He’s white. I’ve always wanted to have a mixed-race child.
DBM: So, it’s just about children?
Otwuaba: 80% about children.
DBM: What constitutes the 20%?
Otwuaba: Being married to a handsome white man. Dave, white men tend to be faithful to their wives. He is family oriented. This guy helps with the home. For example, he’s been making the bed every morning. He helps me cook or he will simply be the one cooking for us. Before we got pregnant, he had been discussing how he’s looking forward to changing our baby’s diapers, taking him on a stroll, babysitting him while I rest. He goes grocery shopping with me; he’s willing to wash dishes and take the trash out. He cleans the tables and chairs and then set them up. He makes time to talk to me every day. And he’s been consistent with his actions these two years. African men are not like that.
DBM: I am like that. There are a ton of hands-on men and husbands like that.
Otwuaba: I haven’t met one yet. All the men I’ve dated, including my husband have to be told what to do before they will grudgingly make the attempt. They feel their only responsibility is to give money and pay fees.
DBM: Did your husband discuss the kind of future he had in mind for you?
Otwuaba: Yes
DBM: What was it like?
Otwuaba: Marry me, bring me to the UK and have children.
DBM: That was that?
Otwuaba: Yes. Dave, let’s call a spade a spade. What kind of future do most African men have for their wives? You tell me since you’re one of them
DBM: The kind of future I have for my family is where my dreams live. And the dream included my partner. That is why we got married in the first place. We’ve been building on this future for the past seven years. If a man loves you like the way your husband did, he includes you in his future plans. Marrying you and bringing you to the UK is part of those plans. What have you done!
Otwuaba: I’ve apologized to him and I want to say I am sorry again.
DBM: What have you done!
Otwuaba: He knows I’m sorry
DBM: I’m sorry but sorry is not good enough. Why would you take advantage of someone’s kindness and love for you like that?
Otwuaba: Can you help me find him a good woman?
DBM: Are you kidding me?
Otwuaba: Lol! I’m serious Dave.
DBM: What do your in-laws make of what you’ve done?
Otwuaba: I don’t think they know. My husband hasn’t told them. They still call and talk to me as if everything is normal. They don’t know we don’t live together.
Image Credit: Mike Jones
