Tag: Healing

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Believe It Or Not

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Roman: Hi David. What I want to talk about is a bit outside of your usual topic here. My family is close to a very popular preacher who I think has made money off the backs of desperate, lazy Christians searching for healing and miracles. He’s been claiming he has seen thousands of healing miracles since he begun his ministry. He preaches a lot about seeing God perform healing miracles on a regular basis, which I doubt.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Why do you doubt?

Roman: Because he fell ill some time ago, and the best physicians were arranged to his bed side. His wife fell ill some time ago, and it wasn’t some miraculous prayer he prayed that healed her. A doctor and his prescription drugs cured her. I feel like these pastors are lying to us. There is this one time I wasn’t feeling well. He called to pray and nothing happened. But I couldn’t tell him his prayers didn’t work.

DBM: Are you a believer in Jesus?

Roman: Yes

DBM: Do you believe the Word of GOD, I mean, over your own personal experiences or perceptions?

Roman: Yes

DBM: What’s written in John 14:12

Roman: “Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father” 

DBM: Meaning, you, not the pastor you don’t trust, but even you, can speak forth the miraculous and it shall/can/will come to pass. Healing is your portion. Miracles are your portion. Deliverance can happen as you call it into being.

Roman: I know, but I don’t understand why they have to lie to people in the house of God, about miracles and testimonies they know did not happen? Their children fall sick and the first person they call on is their personal physicians, and not God.

DBM: Let them!

Roman: But why? I need to understand the why behind their lies

DBM: It may be a lie to you but to them, it’s their truth

Roman: And their truth, they know is a lie. Sometimes, even their wives doubt their testimonies.

DBM: Let me use you as the perfect guinea pig: You’re choosing to dismiss them simply because their messages have no real demonstration of GOD’s power, no?

Roman: Yes

DBM: So, in order for their talk to not be that cheap, some wouldn’t mind spicing their messages with miracles that never happened.

Roman: Dave, I am being very honest with you. I have never seen this man heal anyone feeli-feeli through his ministry before, for as long as I have known him and his family.

DBM: Let them!

Roman: While they continue lying to, and profiting off people?

DBM: Let them!

Roman: You believe these people?

DBM: I believe in the fact that, Jesus heals to this day, and He expresses His might through the miraculous divine intervention of His power, and through medicine. That is why He has graced doctors and nurses who are attentive to deploying some of the remarkable advances in medical research to bring healing and good health to the sick.

Roman: I know that

DBM: Good! So, your pastor getting healed because he was attended to by his doctor is equally an outpouring of some of the signs and wonders accompanying his faith. That, is a message in the miracle of his healing.

Roman: Then the emphasis of their healing messages should be centered around the doctors and nurses.

DBM: Let them! Whatever makes them sleep well at night.

Roman: I hope I’m not boring you?

DBM: No, you’re not!

Roman: Thank you!

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov 

Date Me! (part 3)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

This is Nana. I am Bernice’s husband. My wife told me about your request to want to share some of our pictures from her Facebook. I want us to remain anonymous. Sorry. I know my wife wouldn’t mind but I do. But everything happened just as she said.

For her choice of dialogue in her submission, I can only say my wife can be extra in her delivery. When Bernice is telling our story to friends and family, you don’t get to hear just one story. You get to hear two: her version and mine. Her version is always sweeter because she knows how to spice it up with a bit of drama and liveliness.

Remembering peculiar incidents like ours differently doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. My wife’s emotions sometimes color her memory but that’s one of the things I love about her. It makes listening to her fun and entertaining. A few things my wife forgot to add. When I first proposed to her that afternoon at my house, she did not give an affirmative yes. I had to find out how she felt about me asking her dad for her hand in marriage.

Her father and I bonded at their house when she was about to marry Rex. Because I was going to be driving them to the church, I was there waiting and had the opportunity to be introduced to her family. When Rex failed to show up at the Chapel, Bernice’s mother came to join us in the car, but Bernice insisted to be left alone. I left with Bernice because she asked me to drive and go as far away from the situation. I called her father to inform him of where I was taking their daughter.

Her mother and father joined us in my house that evening to check on her. I wasn’t dreading spending time together with my father-in-law because he already approved of me because I was his daughter’s favorite boss at work. He had heard a lot about me from Bernice already. I informed both of her parents about my intentions that same evening and her father was in agreement. I felt they deserved to be informed because they both raised her. My mother-in-law was a bit hesitant initially but she came on board later on, when I assured her of my love for her daughter. I am a confident man and I was honest to her. I was going to take very good care of their daughter.

Just as my wife stated, we did the traditional marriage a month after my proposal. I wasn’t given a list. We were asked to just present the dowry bride wealth so her family members could consent to the marriage. I willingly gave a huge sum of money to be shared and that was it. A day was fixed for me to come and take my bride away. We signed in court the following month and we were officially married. There was no party. There was no merrymaking.

Bernice also forgot to add that, we did not have sex for over three months after we married. What she felt for Rex was real and I didn’t know if she was going to survive without him by her side. Being stood up on her wedding day was one of the hardest things for her to come to terms with. And I understood that. So, I gave her time to process her feelings and grieve her loss. Both of which were of utmost importance as they paved the way for my wife to finally move on to write a new chapter with me.

I love Bernice so much that, I was willing to allow her to be vulnerable and give herself time and space to cry. I was not afraid to join her sometimes to let all of our emotions out and cry together. I drafted a one-year leave request to HR on her behalf, and it was forwarded to me for approval. No one at work knew we had been married for almost a year and a half.

This version plus hers should sum up our full story. Thank you, guys.

Image Credit: Marayah Stumbo

 

Healed

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I am a senior and a big fan of your Facebook community. I do not comment on your posts but I read everything you share. I want to speak to the young ladies who come to you with their stories. I remember the first time I found out my late husband was having an affair. I remember the first time he denied the affair when I confronted him. I recall the night he made a decision to leave me. He did not divorce me; he just packed out one evening and never returned home. I could not fully comprehend his decision. I could not understand what his actions made me experience at that time.

I had done nothing wrong to him to deserve that level of rejection and abandonment, yet I was the one waking up at dawn, screaming and crying. I was filled with so many emotions. The mixture was a bit of shock, anger, fear, guilt and shame. Our nine-year-old daughter was the one who would hear me crying, and come running into my bedroom to comfort me as I wept against her shoulder. My daughter could not understand why I felt broken in many ways and couldn’t be strong for her. I felt so let down, because I had given years of my life to a man who didn’t see the reason in fighting for our marriage in the end.
I loved my late husband. I cared about him and wanted the best for him. I gave him everything a woman in love could lay at the feet of her man. When our daughter turned 22, she asked her father why he left me. He assured her he was in a reasonably, emotionally healthy relationship and marriage with me. He told his daughter how much he loved me, cared about me, and had no desire to hurt me the way he did. So, I was right when I stated I did nothing wrong to the best of my knowledge. She asked her father why he left us and he confessed that he wanted to explore a repressed part of himself. The core of who he was, was he liked being with other people. And being married constrained him.

He was curious about what his life could have been if he had chosen a different path. He also told her he initially felt I wasn’t meeting his every need and desire in the marriage. My girl asked whether all of his affair partners managed to meet his standards, and his answer was no. What he kept saying was, he felt he deserved more. David, when I vowed on our wedding day to be faithful to my late husband, I was indirectly saying I was willing to sacrifice all other better options out there and the pleasures thereof, to and for our marriage. What my husband did instead, was to view fidelity as something to be worked around.

He also made the attempt to make our daughter believe cheating is built into the fabric of the male psyche. That is a lie I want every woman reading my submission to stop hearing or believing. My daughter got married when she turned 29. She divorced her ex-husband at the age of 32. Like my late husband, he was also of the belief that the grass is always greener. And because he couldn’t bring himself to scar my baby girl by asking for divorce, he intentionally let my daughter discover his infidelity, so she could do his dirty work for him. They would rather deal with the shame of being caught, than try to explain why the marriage isn’t working for them.

My late husband left me when he was 36 years. He died when he was 51. I got married again when I was 52. I am 76 and still married to my wonderful husband. My daughter got married again at the age of 37. She was a mother of two. She’s still married to her second husband.
This is what I told my daughter when she was 31 years old and at that point, cohabitating with her ex-husband. Do not mistaken a man who is offering you breadcrumbs for a feast. Being disrespected in any form is not the kind of behaviour you should expect from any man. The woman you are is not a decorated figure, in the name of a wife who is just there, waiting on her man while he sows his wild oats. Do not put your relevance, self-worth and healing in the hands of any man who chooses to drop, break and hurt you. If he could shatter you that easily without care, then you are not waiting on him to also put you back together.

Image Credit: Elly Shots

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