Tag: Hurt

Let’s Talk To Ejo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 4 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 97: Ejo

DBM: Hi Ejo. How would you describe yourself?

Ejo: A wife, nursing mother, and teacher

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Ejo: 6

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Ejo: I gave birth to my second child six months ago, and I have been going through a very difficult phase that has made me gain so much weight. I am trying to get back to my pre-pregnancy figure but I am becoming heavier instead. My husband started running indirect jokes my way. He recently asked when I am going to lose all the fat. Even during sex, he will make a joke out of something in relation to my weight and it will kill my mood. I’ve told him I don’t like the mean jokes he’s been making but it’s falling on deaf ears.

DBM: Why does he make jokes about your weight?

Ejo: He finds slim attractive. He also thinks such jokes will motivate me to lose the weight but it’s actually hurting my feelings. I was dressing up in front of him just recently, and I caught him staring at my stomach and shaking his head in a funny way

DBM: That’s not cool. You don’t intentionally hurt the feelings of the woman you love, especially not over some silly crap like a few extra pounds

Ejo: Hmmm!

DBM: But you are eating right, no?

Ejo: I am

DBM: How about workouts?

Ejo: I exercise regularly

DBM: Are you getting plenty of sleep?

Ejo: I try to but I am not fitting into my clothes

DBM: Could it be a medical something sabotaging your efforts to stay in shape?

Ejo: My Mother-in-law tells my husband I am the one being lazy. I feel like they’re intentionally putting pressure on me to lose the weight. He laughs when his mother makes comments about my weight.

DBM: Wait! You gave birth just six months ago, no?

Ejo: Yes!

DBM: So, where from the rush to lose weight? You’re still breastfeeding and you need sufficient calories for milk supply; even your overall healing and lost energy and nourishment

Ejo: When my MIL sees a lot of food on the plate of my first child, she would go and take a chunk off it, and be using my weight as reference to why my daughter shouldn’t be eating too much. My husband will also be suggesting to our daughter that, women have to look skinny and pretty.

DBM: You’re very kind

Ejo: Why do you say that?

DBM: You’re allowing your mother-in-law to teach your daughter how to disrespect you, while you sleep in the same bed with her own son, who clearly needs a lot of improvement. What right has she got to tell your child what to eat? How well did she train her own son?

Ejo: I am just trying to maintain peace in my household

DBM: But at what cost?

Ejo: Dave, whenever I complain, I am the one being ridiculous

DBM: Subjecting yourself to bad-mannered people can affect your self-esteem and make you second-guess yourself

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

Let’s Talk To Adelaide

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 77: Adelaide

DBM: Hi Adelaide. How would you describe yourself?

Adelaide: I feel all alone. I walk alone, and I have no one but myself and my children

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Adelaide: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Adelaide: I feel like I am not as pumped to make the most of my marriage

DBM: Why is that?

Adelaide: I am disappointed in my husband, and I am very scared of the future ahead of me if I continue to be married to him

DBM: How long have you been married?

Adelaide: Nine years

DBM: What is making you feel disappointed in him?

Adelaide: He is financially unstable. He has been making me pay the bills at home; he shares the payment of our children’s school fees with me. I am paying half of our rent. The amount he gives to feed the house every month is never enough. I am always topping up with so much, I am unable to save for my future.

DBM: Is he in that financial position to give more than he can afford?

Adelaide: He can do better, but he just refuses to. He thinks because I work and also earn enough, he can be miserly when it comes to money. What I am saying has absolutely nothing to do with marrying a man who is well-to-do, and can make like comfortable for me and our children. I am talking about marrying a real man who can handle financial responsibilities right.

DBM: I see

Adelaide: He doesn’t see the good in spending on his wife and children. He only spends when he wants to. He is not happy about anything in life; he complains about everything. Dave, I was very sick the other time and was taken to the hospital. They called my husband to inform him. When it was time for me to be discharged, he came to the ward, asking for my debit card PIN to settle my hospital bill. In other words, my sickness, my bill to pay. Meanwhile. I have been supporting him even in the worst of situations. He talks negative about some of my friends, and has become a negative atmosphere around me.

DBM: Has he always been like that, or he recently started playing smart?

Adelaide: I don’t have an answer to that question, because I am not sure when this person he’s become ever was. My marriage feels worse than before. I don’t have joy in me. He knows how to manipulate certain feelings and behaviors in me to his advantage.

DBM: Do you know what his priorities are?

Adelaide: His work, career and the children. Those are the goals superseding everything else in his life. He thinks he is superior to others who are not in his rank, and has little or no respect for other people’s feelings. My husband is selfish even if he has money.

DBM: I am terribly sorry about this

Adelaide: If I had known this was what I was going to sign up for, I would have avoided him at all cost.

DBM: What do you see in your marriage, three to five years from now?

Adelaide: Misery

DBM: My guess is, your husband is also thinking you are part to blame for whatever is the unsolved problem (s) in your marriage

Adelaide: Dave, when we argue, I am able to point out his actions that hurt my feelings to his face. He has never been bold to tell me, I did this or that, that is why he does this or that in return. In fact, the more I have gotten focused on our marriage, the less he has. I have done things to make him feel loved and cared about. All he does is to enjoy the benefits without lifting a finger, and it’s leaving me drained and vulnerable. At this moment, I am getting sick and tired of him.

DBM: Do you think you are in a toxic marriage?

Adelaide: I would say it’s 50% toxic, and 100% unhappy

DBM: When you search from deep within, do you recognize any part you might have played to turn your husband into this inconsiderate person he’s become?

Adelaide: I wish I knew. On our wedding reception, he told everyone he had married the best woman in the world.

DBM: Do you trust him?

Adelaide: I don’t!

DBM: Why?

Adelaide: He lies a lot. And that has been detrimental to our marriage.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Adelaide: My heart used to surge at the sight of him. Now, I cannot be so sure because I’ve started to check out. I am feeling very hurt, and I want to know what to do. If I can leave this marriage without my children hating me, Dave, trust me; I’d do it.

DBM: Assuming your husband is going to chance on this conversation when published, what would you want him to know?

Adelaide: I feel neglected when you care more about your phone than what I have to say. I feel neglected when you care more about your work than spending time with me. I get frustrated when all you want is sex, and not intimacy with me. I don’t ignore your attempts for sex; I don’t upset you or create frustrations in our marriage; I don’t fake being asleep when you want sex; I don’t say, ‘I’m not feeling well’ when you want sex. I do not avoid you, yet you only do something for me when you want sex. Whenever I raise a serious concern, you immediately have an excuse to throw back without taking responsibility for anything.

DBM: Do you see your marriage to be broken?

Adelaide: Yes

DBM: And, do you see you and your husband, devoted enough to want to resolve what could be broken?

Adelaide: I know I am

DBM: You have more influence in your marriage than you think

Image Credit: Alex Green

Let’s Talk To Mercy

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 21: Call me Mercy

DBM: Hey, Mercy! Please tell me a little about yourself.

Mercy: I’m married, and a mother.

DBM: Okay! Any other thing about you?

Mercy: I am a career woman, and not afraid to push boundaries set before me. Dave, I have a question.

DBM: Please ask

Mercy: I am not good at writing and expressing myself with words. Will you be correcting my grammatical errors before publishing it on your website?

DBM: Yes please. I proofread and edit all the conversations, and would even rephrase sentences that aren’t clear to suit my house-style. You are in good hands.

Mercy: Thank you!

DBM: You’re welcome! What do you want to talk about?

Mercy: I’m just curious Dave, but what do men want?

DBM: I may never know myself

Mercy: The BS my husband is putting me through emotionally eh

DBM: Mercy, the art of bullshit is how most men get through with their day.

Mercy: I almost poisoned my husband’s food for the second time this year.

DBM: That is to the extreme.

Mercy: His actions are forcing me to hurt him.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Mercy: I don’t want to say

DBM: Why not?

Mercy: It might give me away, assuming he gets to see this online.

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Mercy: Yes, I love him.

DBM: Getting hurt by the people we love is inevitable.

Mercy: This is something I can’t forgive

DBM: Why would you want to hurt someone you love?

Mercy: Because he is hurting me too.

DBM: Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s hard; it’s a job and you’ve got to work at it every day.

Mercy: I do my part

DBM: What is he doing to hurt you?

Mercy: He is having an affair. Infidelity is the nail in the coffin for me.

DBM: You have proof of this?

Mercy: I wasn’t immediately suspicious. We were having dinner at home, and I realized he had become so alert as to which WhatsApp message to respond to. It was written all over his face though he was trying to play cool. But something kept nagging at the back of my brain to not let my suspicion go. I paid one driver I am cool with for a week to trail my husband. He had gone to meet the same lady three times that week.

DBM: I am sorry.

Mercy: I feel so angry and hurt.

DBM: Do you know how long the affair has lasted?

Mercy: It is still ongoing. I don’t know when it started.

DBM: Have you confronted him about it?

Mercy: He’s going to lie anyways, so what’s the point?

DBM: You mentioned ‘almost’ poisoning him. What made you stop?

Mercy: My kids always came to the kitchen to ask when their father would be home from work. That is what usually gets me emotional and stops me. Because they need their father. So, I would throw away the contaminated meal, and dish a new one.

DBM: Children need their father.

Mercy: I know! It’s like, he has pushed the responsibly of raising our children solely to me. He just pays fees and bills, and provides money. He gets mad very quickly when the children are trying to play around him. He screams at them, ignores them, but has time to be chatting with the other woman. He has time to make plans with another woman.

DBM: People can make poor choices at times, you know?

Mercy: That is no excuse, Dave. At his age, does he need a reminder to prioritize his family?

DBM: It’s your husband’s duty towards you and the family, to share all the responsibilities.

Mercy: He leaves me to deal with issues at home all by myself, while he keeps himself occupied with another woman’s touch. He is spending more time taking the other lady out, talking to her and sharing his goals and dreams. I am burdened at home, all because I am his wife and mother to the children.

DBM: Do you think he is happy being married to you?

Mercy: I do everything to meet his sexual needs. I don’t stress this man at home. Secondly, he chose me. He asked me to marry him. I did not force myself on him. There is this huge hole in my heart and in my life that I have to fill with a man’s touch, affection and attention. Either that, or I may be tempted again to mix something in his food.

DBM: If you are tempted to physically or emotionally hurt someone you love, simply because they hurt you, then it would be best to walk out of the marriage.

Mercy: If there is any walking out to be done, that should be in his obituary.

DBM: If you truly love him, he will need you to help him do right by you.

Mercy: Dave, he doesn’t need me. Trust me, he has his side-chick.

DBM: Most men are addicted to approval and validation from other women. He might be one of those.

Mercy: I don’t care. Right now, it’s two things, I either find myself someone on the side to be meeting my needs – as he’s enjoying, or close this chapter with my husband permanently.

DBM: ‘Till death do us part’?

Mercy: That was my vow to him.

DBM: What about forgiveness? Because the real need for forgiveness is in marriage

Mercy: No good comes of it

DBM: No good comes out of cleansing your heart and making peace with yourself?

Mercy: You do not understand, I will not forget what he’s done to me.

DBM: I am not making any excuses for his behavior. All I am asking is, is his foolishness worth the foolish decision you’re intending on making?

Mercy: He should have thought of all that.

DBM: You need to confront your husband.

Mercy: And say what?

DBM: That, you are thinking of ways to make him pay for what he is doing to you.

Mercy: Why would I want to do that?

DBM: Because just like him, you’re equally flawed, and your perceptions are too.

Mercy: Thank you for the conversation.

DBM: You’re welcome, Mercy. Every relationship that we’ve all been in, one way or the other, requires some level of forgiveness to sustain its relevance to us.

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

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