Let’s Talk To Freja
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 87: Freja
DBM: Hi Freja. How would you describe yourself?
Freja: I will describe myself as… a lover of long baths and showers. And if the water is slightly hot, I wouldn’t mind staying under it for as long as possible.
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Freja: I could be 5 or 6 today
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Freja: I feel like I am grief-stricken because the man I want to be with has been imprisoned, and the pain of loneliness is killing me every day. It doesn’t seem to go away. I can’t stop myself from counting the days until his release.
DBM: How many days to his release?
Freja: 1461
DBM: That’s like what, four years?
Freja: Yeah!
DBM: What is he in for?
Freja: Misappropriating company funds. But he is innocent.
DBM: How much money did he embezzle?
Freja: He was falsely accused by his employer
DBM: How long has he served thus far in incarceration?
Freja: A year
DBM: How old is he?
Freja: 37
DBM: How old are you?
Freja: 34
DBM: And, how long have you two been together?
Freja: We had done three years before prison. I am constantly being reminded of his absence in my life and it’s so difficult for me.
DBM: What do you miss about him?
Freja: I miss how he is always himself and comfortable being a man around me. I miss his wisdom, kindness, his confidence and haughtiness. He hardly would blame situations and circumstances. I miss his sense of humor, I miss how he can quench my thirst in bed, with all the passion and warmth. I miss his love for me in action.
DBM: He sounds like a good heart
Freja: He is a good man
DBM: How often do you get to see/visit him in prison?
Freja: Once or twice a month
DBM: And, how is he doing?
Freja: He’s fine but it’s not the same. He is so far away from me that, everything we used to do together and loved, is now on hold. Each day that passes gets harder.
DBM: Does he feel the same when you visit him?
Freja: I should think so. He doesn’t talk about it. The energy I expect to receive from him is not what is shared. I’ve been very depressed, to be honest.
DBM: He’s also dealing with a lot. Prison is an uncomfortable environment he’s found himself in.
Freja: The other disturbing issue is that, one of the prison officers whom I have befriended, and have been persuading with money to take good care of my boyfriend told me on my last visit, my boyfriend’s other girlfriend has been bringing him food and other stuff. Initially, I thought she was one of his sisters but the name he showed me wasn’t his family. And the capacity in which she visits is his girlfriend.
DBM: Does this surprise you?
Freja: Very much. I thought I was his only girl.
DBM: Did you confront your man?
Freja: I did. He denied
DBM: So, you let it go?
Freja: No! I told him the source of the information, and also, mentioned the name of the woman
DBM: Why do you think he felt the need to lie to you instead of telling the truth?
Freja: I don’t know
DBM: If a man lies about a small thing, he will also lie about something way bigger
Freja: I have decided not to visit him again
DBM: You told him that?
Freja: No! But I made the decision when I got home
DBM: How does this make you feel?
Freja: I am very angry, and I feel betrayed. I am completely heartbroken, and doubt if I can ever trust him again.
DBM: It is rather unfortunate but the truth is, a lot of the time, men cheat and try to hide it for as long as possible to prevent you from feeling this way about them
Freja: It’s not fair
DBM: I know. Everything happens for a reason. If he hadn’t been locked up, you probably would never have found out.
Freja: I still love him
DBM: I can imagine
Freja: I am not sure about the next step to take from here
DBM: You will discover more about the woman that you are with time, and come into the understanding of what you want for you. If there are any changes worth making to enable you keep up with all that is happening around and within you, you would.
Freja: Do you think he’s going to choose me after he is released?
DBM: I think women ought to find their own strengths to decide on when to let go, and then, do it.
Freja: But I can’t get him out of my mind like that. We have a history
DBM: What really is your fear?
Freja: All the men I dated and loved in the past left me for other girls, even when my feelings for them hadn’t changed. What if I don’t find a man who will love me?
DBM: Do you reside in your past?
Freja: My past is part of my life’s story
DBM: But, do you live there?
Freja: No!
DBM: Exactly! What others did to you then isn’t what every man would do to you in the future.
Freja: I thought my current guy was my future. Look at what’s happening
DBM: What he did does not explain the actions of all men. Holding on to these memories that clearly hurt your feelings means allowing them, consciously or unconsciously to become a part of what you believe about yourself. Do you really think you are not good enough for someone who is good enough for you?
Freja: I am good enough
DBM: There was a time it was raining heavily at Spintex, while on the phone with a friend who lives in Tema. He asked if it was raining where I was because he could hear downpour, and I said, ‘yes. Why, it’s not raining at your end?’ His response was, ‘no! the sun is still shining’. It does not rain everywhere. Do not let that foolish narrative work against you.
Freja: I feel trapped by my emotions. It’s all over the place
DBM: A man’s behavior and character is something you cannot control. Holding on to things you hate about him only causes you a great deal of suffering and unhappiness. It can stress you to the extent of keeping you from living and growing into your very best self and light. Do not be attached to what you do not like. Your happiness in life does not come from love and sex and men. True happiness comes from the knowledge of not suffering anymore.
Freja: Freedom
DBM: Freedom!
Image Credit: Yaroslav Shuraev
