When To Heal
Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?
Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?
DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?
Fanni: I am 37 years
DBM: And your man?
Fanni: He is 40
DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.
Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.
DBM: How are you feeling?
Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.
DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?
Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave
DBM: I’m sorry about that.
Fanni: I don’t know what to do
DBM: We always know what to do
Fanni: Dave, I don’t
DBM: You do!
Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.
DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.
Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn
DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.
Fanni: What do I do, Dave?
DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.
Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now
DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.
Fanni: And then what?
DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.
Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?
DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.
Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?
DBM: It depends
Fanni: On what, Dave?
DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.
Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.
DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.
Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?
DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?
Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me
DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.
Fanni: But I can forgive right?
DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.
Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?
DBM: What do you do for a living?
Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs
DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?
Fanni: I do
DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.
Fanni: Ok
DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?
Fanni: The money to steal
DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.
Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.
DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.
Fanni: Ok. Thanks
Image Credit: Christina Morillo
