Tag: Infertility

Going Once, Going Twice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Magnus: Many years ago, I was a happy single man. The grass was always greener on my other side. If I needed someone to cuddle with on a rainy evening, I knew someone to call. There were nights on weekdays and weekends that I spent alone. It wasn’t always fun and I made the most of what it was then. All I had were little moments in time and I could do anything with those moments. I didn’t feel bad about being single or being alone. It didn’t really matter to me. So far as I didn’t have to settle for all of the wrong encounters I came into contact with, I was willing to wait for the right woman to come along. My mother once told me her biggest regret in life was to have settled in her marriage to my father just for the sake of being with a man. She thought that decision was far better than having no one in her life at all. But it wasn’t because she knew she had lowered her standards and was with the wrong man. My mother was alone even though she had a husband.

At 38, I was still single and looking forward to meaningful relationships in my future. I went on dates and got to know different people. I was invited to my wife’s 32nd birthday party in 1997 by one of her closest friends. Dave, I used to love the energy a good party could throw in the air because there was always that likelihood of finding someone attractive to talk to or make out with later on. I didn’t know anything about my wife. I got to the venue and there were five other guys plus the three ladies in attendance. The three ladies were the best friends of my wife and each had invited two of their closest, single male friends as their plus twos. Which was weird to me in the beginning but was delightfully surprised when I ended up forming a connection with the birthday girl.

Her best friends left no stone unturned to make her feel extra special that day. They all held cardboards with my wife’s best qualities and flaws boldly written on them. They read what they had to share about her to us the guys and then gave us the opportunity to ask questions. Mind you, the person being celebrated or in this case, auctioned to us was nowhere present at her own birthday venue. There were no pictures of her around, nothing. We were just being sold an illusion and expected to bid on it. I had a crush on the qualities they shared about my wife. I could see potential though I did not have any expectations of pursuing a relationship with her. And then, it was time to decide. Who liked what they heard, I did. I raised my hand to express interest. Everybody clapped and cheered me on before we were treated to a fine dinner with her close friends, followed by a good movie, which happened to be my wife’s favorite movie. It was not an extravagant party. A few hours later, party was done and we had to go home. I went home without meeting what I had bid on.

The following morning was a Monday. I was having a rough day, so when I walked into the office, I was very off my game, despite my efforts to appear motivated. Guess who had stopped by my work without letting me know in advance? My wife’s friend. What are you doing here…? I was about to ask before I realized she wasn’t alone. She was tall, slender, with a beautiful smile. Package had arrived and it was pleasing in my sight. My mouth did not go dry. My air supply did not cut off abruptly. Nothing expanded in my chest. I could take my eyes off her for a minute and not lose her beauty. My heartbeat was normal and I was still satisfied. That is how I met my wife. We got married in 1999, and she’s given me chance after chance every day to step in her little world to show her what she had been missing. Dave, till today, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind though I wake up next to her every morning. My wife has made the difficulties life has to offer easier to tolerate. And, she’s made our good times even more nourishing.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s a very beautiful story.

Magnus: It’s the best story I have ever talked about in my life.

DBM: What were some of the qualities shared by her friends at the party?

Magnus: They told us about the base of their friendship, which was respect. They talked about the love she had for all of them which was key for me. I believe a woman with love in her heart for someone is also kind. They talked about the fact that she was quiet naturally, but could also hold a conversation, an intelligent conversation. She was a good listener and could explain what was on her mind, and could make space for other people’s feelings. Those were the first insights I gathered and needed to recognize about her attributes, because they aligned with what I was looking for in a wife.

DBM: What do you like about your wife?

Magnus: I love the fact that she likes and trusts herself. She knows her value and doesn’t need affirmation from me or anyone for that matter. I love the fact that she follows through on her every word, deed and action. I married a competent woman. She’s very independent, has a full life of her own, a great career, and doesn’t need me to survive. She’s capable and adequate, and can achieve what others believe to be impossible.

DBM: You have children?

Magnus: No. I have low sperm count in my semen. That was the difficulty my wife and I were having getting pregnant.

DBM: How is she taking it?

Magnus: She used to ask herself whether she could be happily married without children. Her concerns always came with layers of fear, and a little bit of hope here and there. She had her own expectations and sometimes, guilt. But she assured me when she came to the realization that she may never become a mother to her own child, that happiness in our marriage wouldn’t depend on whether we have children or not. She was going to base and bet her happiness in our marriage on just the two of us. She has not allowed her family, friends or society to define our family structure. Though it’s been just the two of us in the marriage, she’s not found us to be incomplete because we do not have children. My wife has protected my dignity and our marriage from the outside noise. She’s stood strong for me even when I do not understand. The love we thrive on is deep and is lasting.

DBM: 1999 to 2026 is a big deal of marriage experience. What do you believe is working for the good of the marriage?

Magnus: I think me being the man that I am is what has dictated the climate of our marriage. I am passionate about my wife and our marriage and I make sacrifices for my wife. I am not selfish. I am not foolish. I do not cheat on my wife or entertain the thought of it because I have made the decision to only desire more of her. I am avidly pursuing her in the marriage. Likewise, I have less pride and can humble myself before her. I take very good care of my wife and have made her life comfortable even though she makes her own money. I welcome accountability and can easily say ‘I am sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’. When something awful or awesome happens, she always has me by her side to empathize or rejoice with her.

Image Credit: 2 Mephoto

In Sickness And In Health

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Jacob: David Good morning

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Jacob: Am fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Jacob: My wife is suffering from the aftermath of a stroke. The doctors assured me that she was going to be bedridden temporarily but it’s been over three years with limited mobility. She’s lost her independence to carry out any form of activity and it’s stressing me out each and every day. I feel so depressed and I feel like it’s depressing her in the process. Her demeanor on the daily has anger written all over it. And she’s unwilling to articulate what is bothering her. I don’t know how to help her.

DBM: Have you ever found your health in a state where your ability to simply care for yourself declines?

Jacob: I don’t think so.

DBM: Your wife is helpless with her new reality. That is the rage of emotions you’re probably witnessing.

Jacob: I understand and I don’t know what else to do

DBM: How old are you?

Jacob: 43

DBM: How old is she?

Jacob: 40

DBM: How long have you been married?

Jacob: 12 years

DBM: What is the story behind her current state?

Jacob: We were struggling to get pregnant after years of trying. Though we both had busy lifestyles and unbearable work commitments, we still made time to get together to actually have a lot of sex, which was fun. She got pregnant in January 2022. She started to bleed profusely after giving birth, and her blood pressure elevated for no reason. The next thing we realized, she was having difficulty speaking. Her face drooped and that was the beginning of her problems.

DBM: How is the baby?

Jacob: He is doing well. Thank you for asking

DBM: Has your wife held her baby yet?

Jacob: No. Her arms are still weak but she’s seeing him grow every day.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not had sex with wifey since then?

Jacob: I’ve had to push down the thought of having sex with her on the list of my priorities. It’s not easy, Dave. I don’t cheat. I have never cheated on my wife with another person. So, you can understand why this a bit hard for me. Three years is no joke

DBM: I can only imagine

Jacob: When I found out we were finally going to have a child, I couldn’t wait for that opportunity to raise my baby boy. Dave, it takes enormous responsibility to be an exemplary male figure in a child’s life. I want our little Jason to be what he sees his father do for his mother. My son has to see honor and integrity in me when he sees me. I want him to understand that my relationship with his mother is the most important relationship in my life and I do not intend to treat it casually. I am glad he’s seeing my commitment to his mother not as optional.

DBM: You sound like a decent man.

Jacob: I don’t want to be a liar, Dave. No one cheats without becoming deceitful on some level. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. If I tell my wife I’m working late at the office on any given day, I make sure it isn’t a half truth that I would later have to redefine the ‘working’ so I can silence a compromised conscience. Marriage is no laughing matter, especially, now, for me. This version of ‘in sickness and in health’ is quite trying for me right now.

DBM: You need to hold on someway, somehow, and trust the process. As sure as everything in life somehow, changes, so does marriage. Try not to give up on her

Jacob: I’m really trying. Ugh, Dave, you’re making me teary. It’s not easy at all.

DBM: Take things one day at a time, and continue to do the very best you can to do right by yourself, do right by your wife; do right by little Jason, and most importantly, by GOD. He comes through for those open to do their best to practice acceptance, patience and empathy in times like these.

Jacob: I hope so

DBM: Everything is going to be alright. Learn to live through this difficult phase in your marriage and take control of the narrative. Don’t let your wife’s sudden inability and transition to take control over your emotions and actions.

Jacob: Thank you

DBM: Do you mind if I pray for you?

Jacob: Please pray for me

DBM: I pray the Lord to give you enough grace, so much patience and endurance to be a loving support to your wife through this difficult time. I pray the Lord to wrap your home in His ever-protective presence, and remind you each and every day of His boundless and unfailing love. May the Lord comfort you in your pain, may He ease your wife’s suffering and give her enough strength to endure this severe illness. I pray the Lord to restore her body, cell by cell, and let His river of peace attend to her troubled mind. May the Lord hold you and Jason so close to Himself. By faith in the name of Jesus, you and your wife are made strong. I pray the Lord Jesus to heal your wife – for little Jason’s sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for your own sake. I pray the Lord to heal your wife – for His name’s sake, because He loves us and desires to answer our prayers if only, we will come unto Him and ask. This we ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, who will receive all the glory when she is healed. We seek to praise You, O Lord, in that healing. Amen!

Jacob: Amen.

Image Credit: Danily UK

Men Don’t Weep When They Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I just want to say something about the last posts you put out. Especially the last one about the woman seeking divorce. I feel men are being accused wrongly of not caring, and I want to let women know that men too cry inside when they are in childless marriages. Dave, I am a man in my 40’s, and so is my wife, and we’ve been married for six years. We have been trying for a child since we married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is a teenager and lives with her mum. We have tried everything from visiting hospitals, wellness centers, churches to even a shrine but all to no joy.

Family and societal pressures have started coming in with the usual ‘go and have a child outside’, ‘your bloodline will die out’ etc. Sometimes there’s the ridicule from friends and family, and the most annoying part is the “what are you waiting for” questions. Look, as a man, hearing these things make you feel sad inside but due to the man you are, you have to walk chest-out-chin so no one knows what you going through.

My wife thinks I don’t care about our situation with my nonchalant attitude. She prays a lot and is ever willing to heed to any advice from someone who gives a recommendation here or there. But as men we don’t think like that. We analyze stuff and look at the risks and opportunity costs involved. Yes, children are not opportunity costs but where you find yourself financially also makes taking certain decisions very tough, especially when you have tried just about everything.

Men think a lot when they have no child in their marriages but do not show emotions like women do because of our ego, which is very important to us. I for one have never, and will never ask or chastise my wife for not having kids. I believe what ever will be will be, and I thank God I am not the kind of man who succumbs to pressure, else, maybe I would have done something by now.

I just want women to know that men breakdown because they have no kids with their wives, but have to show ‘macho faces’ to keep the boat afloat. Imagine both husband and wife sulking each day because of childlessness, who will console who? It is not only women who become exhausted and dazed over this process. Men like me are most often on the sidelines figuring out exactly how we can also be of help. It’s tough watching my wife go through unexplainable moments. I know I am sensitive to her feelings while we go through each passing day. No one can adequately prepare for the emotional resiliency needed to just endure times like these.

I do love my wife so dearly, and in-as-much as I would want to be a parent, I am also choosing to enjoy this beautiful relationship and friendship I have with my wife today. I am equally enjoying the time I have to myself, because who knows, should a child come today, we may not have this much time for ourselves.

My dear beautiful wife,

I am proud of the woman you are and the wife you are to me. I hurt when I see you so upset because of our inability to have children at the moment. I hurt when I see disappointment on your face. I believe anything is possible, and these times should rather be bringing us together to look forward to our future as a team, whereby we make decisions even if under stress. You’re everything important to me, so let’s learn how to prioritize what is important, versus what could be just noise in the background. Life can be such that, we may plan alright in our minds and desire whatever, but it would never turn out as expected. I lean on you, so lean on me. Trust that I have your best interest at heart, with or without children. Our happiness should not be on hold while others progress. There should be no room for anything else but us right now.

To the lady who has decided to settle for divorce, well it’s in your right to do whatever you want but if your husband shows nonchalant attitude and you think he just sleeps while you weep at night, I want to tell you that he has his weep days; you only do not see it because he’s a ‘man’, and supposed to be the strong one amongst you two. He’s apparently shocked at the divorce because it’s the last thing he expected. I say this because per your story, his only crime is he sleeps and displays a nonchalant attitude towards the issue.

Written by DD

Image Credit: Cristiano Silva

A Child; Security to my Marriage

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

This morning I struggled getting out of bed and quickly took my phone to call in sick at work. Last night, I could barely get into bed up until the wee hours of the night. When I finally did, I watched my husband deep in his sleep unbothered by the happenings of life. I thought about the happy times we had shared but our future was assured only, if I could conceive a baby . I held my chin as tears rolled down my cheeks, my heart beat, threatening to leave my rib cage and I asked myself  “when will the baby come?”

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the last five years with no success. If you ever told me I would struggle with infertility I would have laughed it out but that is my reality today. It is quite a dark place to be in as a woman because societal expectations dictates that after marriage there comes children; it has not been the case for me.

Having no children has resulted in unbearable pains in my marriage. I live in fear that as time passes by, my husband will ask for a divorce and I cannot help it. My husband is not the only person who thinks our marriage could come to a standstill but even friends; the plumber and the gateman have come advising me to secure my marriage which means ‘bear forth fruit for him’. If only they could tell them that I have gone for countless doctor visits, tried all sorts of concoctions and medications to no success.

Every month my period starts it is a reminder that I am running short of time to save my marriage. This month’s period has numbed my body because I recently discovered my husband has been trying to conceive with someone else. I have struggled with so many emotions knowing that if they succeed I will lose the person I love the most. I spend endless hours in the bathroom sobbing asking my womb “why can’t you bear fruit?” After all the rhetoric questioning, I stand up, open the door and conceal my feelings of shame, sadness and despair.

Today being Mother’s Day, I entreat all of us to be kind to waiting wombs. And if you’re wondering whether I have been able to secure my marriage, I have not. How I wish days could stand still for me to enjoy my marriage and for my husband to stop threatening divorce each passing month he sees me on my period.

Written by WM

Image Credit: Caleb + Kaci Carson

Let’s Talk To Pearl

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 53: Hello Dave. My name is Pearl

DBM: Hello Pearl. How would you describe yourself?

Pearl: ………………………………………………………………………………………………

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pearl: I have had four abortions in my lifetime. All these happened before I met my husband. He does not know about my past, and I’d want it to stay that way. I come from a Christian household, and though I am not blaming anyone for my actions, I feel like if my parents had talked to us about sex from an early age, some bad choices I made in life could have been prevented.

DBM: What did your parents talk to you guys about in relation to sex?

Pearl: Abstinence, and why God admonishes us to live in purity. That was all they stressed on

DBM: I grew up in a home like that too

Pearl: You did?

DBM: I did! At what age did you start having sex?

Pearl: When I was 15 years. My science teacher pressured me into liking him.

DBM: Whereby ‘pressured’ means?

Pearl: It wasn’t rape. I wasn’t doing so well in his subject and he realized it bothered me. He wrote me a letter explaining how he could transfer his smart science gene to me through other means.

DBM: Tell me ‘Other means’ meant extra classes?

Pearl: He was the first man I had sex with. And for some strange reason, my grades started to change for the better in science. He told me to just study and write whatever I felt were the right answers to any of his assignments, quizzes, tests and examination questions.

DBM: Are you good in science today?

Pearl: No! Of course, I am wiser now, and so I know he was either dashing me marks or answering the questions for me at home after every quiz.

DBM: Did he use protection with you?

Pearl: Yes, for the most part.

DBM: How many times did sex happen between you two?

Pearl: About 15 times.

DBM: How old was he?

Pearl: Early 30’s.

DBM: At what age was your first abortion?

Pearl: 17

DBM: Second?

Pearl: 19

DBM: Third?

Pearl: 23

DBM: And the last one?

Pearl: 25

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 17?

Pearl: My science teacher. He helped me get an abortion

DBM: Who got you pregnant at 19?

Pearl: My second boyfriend. My third boyfriend got me pregnant at 23, and the fourth guy at 25.

DBM: How many guys have you been with?

Pearl: They will not be up to 20

DBM: Do you regret aborting those pregnancies?

Pearl: I have no regrets. My parents did not educate me on sex, men, relationships and the responsibilities involved. There was no way I could have been prepared for a pregnancy or motherhood.

DBM: I see.

Pearl: My only biggest fear is the thought of being barren due to my past activities.

DBM: I doubt whether or not having abortions can affect your chances of becoming pregnant. You can experience normal pregnancy.

Pearl: Really?

DBM: Really! I know a dozen female friends who have aborted several pregnancies, but are mothers today.

Pearl: Hmmm! Dave, I need to give my husband a child. He wants a child so badly; I sometimes feel like I am denying him his dreamed family life.

DBM: What are your doctors saying?

Pearl: That, we’re both fine and can have babies at any time.

DBM: He knows about the abortions?

Pearl: My doctor?

DBM: Yes

Pearl: He was the one who detected that a womb infection I developed years ago hadn’t been properly treated. He realized I had had abortions before even telling him.

DBM: Is it treated now?

Pearl: Yes!

DBM: Good.

Pearl: Why do I feel like I am being punished for this?

DBM: Punished by whom?

Pearl: God.

DBM: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us.” I don’t know where it is in the Bible, but it’s in the Bible for sure.

Pearl: Do you believe it?

DBM: I do. GOD’S mercy is beyond comprehension. And, His mercy endures forever.

Pearl: Hmmm! I don’t know about that.

DBM: Don’t miss out on GOD’S gift of forgiveness. It’s the realest promise I know. You’re not the only one doing, or might have done things that aren’t pleasing to GOD. We all sin

Pearl: Four abortions is a lot of sin. Keeping it from my husband is another lie I live with

DBM: You’re a Christian, no?

Pearl: I am

DBM: Jesus took on all four of your abortions and the secret you still keep from your husband today on Himself, and paid for it on the cross by dying for you. The moment you choose to accept this truth, His forgiveness automatically becomes yours to take. His forgiveness is limitless, so start looking at your situation from the point of view of GOD.

Pearl: If you say so

DBM: Pearl, all of your sins have been forgiven. It does not matter whether or not you’re yet to commit it. Engage with GOD in your own way, and ask Him for grace and mercy. He is more than able to change the gray areas of your life for the very best.

Pearl: But what if I never get pregnant? Because it’s putting strains on my marriage. My husband wants a family

DBM: The life you are building with your husband, and the marriage you have, is a family. There is more to your marriage. Children are just an aspect of it. Make good use of the man in your life, the love you have for him, the excitement in marriage; the challenges, the dreams you both share, and just be looking forward to what the future holds – even if children aren’t a part of it.

Pearl: You are not a woman, and so I don’t expect you to understand.

DBM: I had a schoolmate, Cynthia. A very decent young woman, super intelligent. She got married to a very nice guy many years ago. She died two years after her wedding. Complications through childbirth. And, this was her first pregnancy.

Pearl: What happened to her child?

DBM: He died in the process. Pearl, the most rewarding part of marriage isn’t children. At least, that’s how I think. It takes a lot of work to have a happy marriage. Why is that not rather your priority?

Pearl: What would you have done if you were in my husband’s shoes?

DBM: I’d focus on my emotional connection and intimacy with you. I would find ways to keep alive the passion and desire for one another. Your inability to have a child shouldn’t be the reason why you’re not able to enjoy your husband. Your past, present, fears, pain, regrets, joy and whatnot, are all indicators that you’re indeed, living a human experience. Your husband ought to be able to embrace all of this, and still be glad he chose you for a wife.

Pearl: Would you have wanted me to tell you about my abortions, if you were my husband?

DBM: If I had chosen you as the partner to spend the rest of my life with, children would not have been my reason to change on you. And yes, I would have wanted to be in the known concerning your abortions. I will be shocked, and probably mad; I would definitely attribute our inability to have kids to your abortions, but I know myself so well; I will never judge you nor your past decisions. Because I wasn’t there to have had the opportunity to protect your innocence. I wasn’t there to have showed you what true love really meant. I would not have been reckless with you – if I were in your past experiences.

Pearl: Would you have forgiven me?

DBM: I would have, so far as you would be communicating truth with love and grace.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio

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