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18 Years After ‘I Do’

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife was standing by her friend’s side as she said “I do” to my best friend, who she believes is the man of her dreams. All it took was one intense gaze from me and she tickled from the ends of her hair to the tips of her toe. Dave, finding the correct woman to wife is not easy but I am lucky to have recognized my friend’s wife’s Maid of Honor, who I believe had smiled her way out of my fantasy and come to life. We became friends after the wedding and I realized how much I liked her a lot. Friendship was so easy we didn’t have to impress each other. I was seen as I truly am. I held on to her as the weeks and months passed because I could appreciate her thoughtfulness and introspection. Everything and nothing were on the table for discussion because we enjoyed talking about something. I admired the woman she was. I had also developed trust in her to the extent that, I was sure about my interest in an exclusive relationship with her. She was the right wife fabric I needed to stitch and embroider. I became so consistent in my actions because she was extremely consistent in her care for me.

We dated for 13 months and in those periods, I realized how my emotions towards her often would feel strained, while her feelings of love for me would lessen. I wasn’t always in love with her. She wasn’t always impressed or in awe of me. I did not always desire to be with her. I did not always want to choose her above all others. It was a confusing phase in my life. I imagined talking to other women with whom I felt I was going to be more compatible with. On my 40th birthday, my 7-year-old niece wished me a happy birthday and asked when I was going to get married. I was very surprised at her question. I told her I didn’t know and she said, ‘Uncle, love is not just a feeling. Love is a choice.’

I asked her to explain and she said she doesn’t always love my nephew because they fight and argue a lot. Her brother is unkind to her most of the time but she still loved him even though sometimes her love for him feels further away. That was the conversation that changed my approach to love and marriage. I had forgotten that I really wanted to be with my wife, her flaws and strengths together. I didn’t have to choose her in a perfect state. I didn’t have to know how to be married in order to be a great husband. I didn’t have to know what it looked like in my day-to-day to love a wife, honor and cherish her. It didn’t have to look a certain way to be perfect. And instead of zoning out when things aren’t going or feeling the way I wanted them to be, I would rather talk to her about it.

I asked my wife to marry me a day after my 40th birthday, and we’ve been together since for 18 years. My marriage entails a lot of generosity with kind words and respect. I am a source of help to my wife without being asked. Dave, it has taken me a lot of daily attention, patience and hard work to see these 18-year results happening to us in 2026. And just like any farm, our marriage has gone through its own different seasons, in which I’ve had to nurture the soil, pull unwanted weeds and intentionally adapting to unpredictable weather to yield a healthy bond as harvest. I am doing the work as a man and husband, the best way I know how. And every deposit I have made into my marriage has been so far, worth the effort.

My wife is a good listener but I too listen to her, not with the intention of reacting but to understand her. I’ve never expected perfection from my wife because I am not perfect in my ways. And the Bible was right about one thing, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” I am reminded to calm whenever I am almost frustrated with her. I am reminded to do what I can to make her happy instead of chasing after what would make me happy from outside.

There is joy in our marriage because we lean on God. There is peace in our marriage because God is in the center of our marriage.

Image Credit: Nude The Photographer

The Marriage I Want

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Neff: I had been kicked out of my house after living there for 7 years. My former landlord’s son was relocating from London and she needed to host him and her grandchildren in the building I was renting. It was an impromptu alert that cost me a lot of money, my time and basic freedom. It was not an easy year to be dealing with the scene of being kicked out of the place I had called and made home for years. Dave, this is the story about how I met my wife. My wife was a colleague from work. We were friends, though we weren’t close.

Four months after my eviction notice had been served, our employer planned a staff retreat to take us out of the office and put us together in another location, where we were charged to work together on some non-work-related projects. It was one of those retreats for us to step away from our regular day-to-day stuff to focus on the bigger picture. The retreat helped me to remove myself from the distraction of not still finding a house to rent. It was also an opportunity for me to see the way I interacted with everybody in the company. The retreat ended and I was tasked to carry along a few of the activity items to my house.

My wife, who was then a colleague, decided to give me a ride back home because my car wouldn’t start that morning. We got home, and she insisted on helping me carry the activity items to my living room. She realized I was in the process of packing out and wondered why. She wasn’t the type of friend I discussed personal issues with, but on that day, something about the way she expressed her concern, made me open up to her. Dave, sometimes help just land better when they come from a familiar, yet not so familiar face. As it turned out, she lived in a 3-bedroom house all by herself and wasn’t going to mind having me as her housemate. The catch in her proposal was for me to pay half of the rent, which I was more than willing to. I am still not sure what caused this beautiful woman to invest in me with that level of kindness.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know how she was perceiving you or your friendship/work relationship?

Neff: I know she had a lot of respect for me and had in one or more occasions, called me an intelligent man.

DBM: How did you feel when she first addressed you as such?

Neff: It was a good feeling. I felt seen and appreciated. I became a friend to her

DBM: Okay! So, you moved in with her?

Neff: Yes. A week after moving in to her house, I started taking notice of the kinds of books she read. Her bookshelves were absolutely impressive to the extent that, I did not see myself going out of my way to be reading her books, so I could have access to enter into her world, in order to engage her in her zone naturally. Our conversations surrounding her books, which I read 70% of, revealed a lot of commonality and shared interests.

DBM: How fond of her were you?

Neff: I liked her. I wasn’t sure to what extent but I knew how much I liked her.

DBM: How much did you like her?

Neff: Really much. She invited me to hang out with her and her friends. I got to know her friends; they got to know me.

DBM: Did you find her attractive?

Neff: Yes. My wife is a very attractive woman. Our friendship grew to a point where I wanted to invest myself fully, and I did. My love for her grew because I put in the work.

DBM: How long did you stay in her house?

Neff: Three years as her co-tenant

DBM: Would you advise your single sister to accommodate a stray man in her home for three years?

Neff: No Dave.

DBM: Why not?

Neff: Because a lot of our guys have not passed the safety test after being vetted by many women. Who we invite to our homes say a lot about what we think of our homes. I had good character; I had good morals. She knew who I was before letting me in. But most importantly, she was familiar with and also had trust in my presence, thus, why she allowed me to stay.

DBM: How long had you been working together by then?

Neff: Six years. Dave, life gives all of us different experiences. This was just one of mine, and my wife’s intuition was working to protect her. She knew whether her decision to invite me to stay with her was right or wrong before leaning into it. Secondly, we worked in the same office. She knew me. I knew her. And she knew she would feel comfortable, supported and understood by me. That was who I was to her at work and I think that was one of the reasons why she did not hesitate to talk herself out of what felt real.

DBM: What do you think felt real?

Neff: Her kindness. My wife is very kind to me to this day.

DBM: At what point did you realize you were falling in love with her?

Neff: When I noticed I was excited do things I’ve done a thousand times before because it was with her. I was never bored. Repeating activities with her felt new and exciting. But I knew I was falling in love with her when I got so mad at our boss one time for raising his voice at her. It was so unusual of me to go out of my way to defend her honor in that circumstance. My sense of empathy toward her had increased.

DBM: How did you know she was falling for you too?

Neff: Dave, I knew. She felt secure and comfortable being around me. Anytime I cheered her on, she developed this new courage to expand and become better at whatever she was doing. She was also willing to sit through hours of a sport game on radio or TV, just to spend time with me. It wasn’t a struggle for either of us to make time.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Neff: 21 years

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife since you got married?

Neff: No. But it had occurred to me a couple of times in the past. I just did not act on it. Our marriage became boring and monotonous for me at a point.

DBM: Why did you not act on the urge?

Neff: Because excitement in the bedroom can be rekindled. There was no need seeking outside assistance. There other reason was that, being unfaithful to my wife meant, I would have no right to demand a monogamous commitment, nor have the moral high ground to chastise her for seeing other men. If I can have my cake and eat it, then my wife can attempt to have her cake and eat it too. My dad used to tell us a husband is supposed to love, trust and be honest with his wife but he cheated on my mother. When my mother betrayed him by also sleeping with another man, he got so upset and furious and could not forgive her. They ended up getting a divorce. That’s not what I want.

DBM: What in your opinion has made your marriage a success?

Neff: My marriage is 21 years old because I know who I am. My wife knows who she is. Individually, we know what makes us happy and can feel good all by ourselves without needing each other’s validation. We believe in our separate strengths and have fulfilled and pursued our dreams. We have achieved life goals independently, grabbed life changing opportunities and can function on our own without the help or support of the other. We built ourselves and careers as individuals before we became an ‘us. I married a woman who I genuinely love seeing walk into the room. Dave, believe me when I say I still smile when my wife shows up. The bond I’ve intentionally built with my bride is strong and can endure temptations. Respect is the third seasoning in our soup. I respect my wife so much. Probably that is why my love and trust in her hasn’t deteriorated that quickly. We communicate very well and would resolve a disagreement with a Hug, kiss, sex or all three at a go. My marriage is successful because I touch my wife every day. I hold her hand. I give randoms hugs. Slightly squeezes parts of her body. She touches parts of my body randomly, every day. This is what it means to be held for 21 years.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Water is tasty

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Awal: Hello David. Can I share my 31 years of experience in marriage?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh wow! 31 years? Yes, I want to learn

Awal: Your surname, is it Mbir or Bondze Mbir?

DBM: Bondze-Mbir.

Awal: Where is the name from?

DBM: Winneba.

Awal: Simpa. Do you speak Efutu?

DBM: No!

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Once. I am Fante though

Awal: Fante is your mother’s side?

DBM: Yes. Elmina.

Awal: Have you been there before?

DBM: Yes. Once

Awal: Ok. To my story; It was love at first sight when I looked into the eyes of my wife for the first time. I was healing from a heartbreak and thought I was done with the dating game. I had always been afraid of what might go wrong in a relationship. I wasn’t great at committing to just one woman because I was afraid of missing out on something better in the future. A lot of ‘what ifs’ played on my mind and because of that, I became the ladies’ man. I went for the finest girls I could persuade, the perfect shapes, the best I could attract but could not offer my best to them. In hindsight, I did not know what it was that I actually wanted, and therefore, was chasing the types of women I thought I could have. My intentions weren’t sincere. I was leading girls on just to get them to like me. I knew none of them could break through to get me to be loyal to one girl. This is a past of mine I regret.

DBM: It was all about sex, I guess?

Awal: Yes, and a need for casual companionship.

DBM: Okay!

Awal: While at it I met this other girl. The one who broke my heart before I met my wife. She was the perfect girl I was willing to let my guard down for. It is kind of hard to gauge this particular situation because I didn’t see it coming. She was the first girl I would do things for out of the kindness of my heart with no intention of getting something in return. I loved her and I could not control that moment and outcome. I didn’t know I was capable of falling in love. This made me get lost in my worries and fears. I didn’t want to take her for granted. This was the comical part; she was the first girl I prayed to God about.

DBM: You liked her that much?

Awal: I loved her.

DBM: What happened?

Awal: Unbeknownst to me, she was the cousin of one of the many girls I had played and dumped. She planted herself in my life at the right moment with the help of her cousin who knew a lot about my daily routine, and got me wrapped around her finger in all the wrong ways I couldn’t see coming. To cut the miserable story short, I lost a lot of money in the process of her short-term revenge diversion game. We were planning to get married when she left me to go marry someone else. I nearly committed suicide.

DBM: How did you find out it was a conspiracy?

Awal: The cousin I used to fuck with came to my office to tell me why I was never going to see her cousin again. And truly, I never saw her cousin again.

DBM: Wait! The one you played was the one in your office in this scenario?

Awal: Yes. I didn’t set eyes on the one I was planning marriage with again.

DBM: There was no further communication, breakup, closure, etc.

Awal: Nothing. We were on good terms the night before her cousin’s visit to my office.

DBM: Did you live together?

Awal: No, but I had rented a house for her. Bought a brand-new car for her. Paid her debts and loans. Spent on her. I spent monies I hadn’t even spent on myself before on her because I wanted to impress. She made me fall in love hard, Dave.

DBM: What in your opinion, made her stand out and not blend in?

Awal: She made me a priority in the beginning stages of our relationship and I thought that had set the precedent for how I would reciprocate. I believed she was consistently into who I was, and was happy to be all in with me. I didn’t see the reason to be pulling her back and forth in the games I used to play.

DBM: You never had a sense of her hiding something from you?

Awal: No.

DBM: How long were you together?

Awal: 1 year and six months. After her cousin’s visit to my office, I went to the house I had rented in her name and she had packed out. It happened so fast I couldn’t make the head or tail of it.

DBM: Did you find out where she had gone to?

Awal: The cousin mentioned at the office that she had traveled abroad to be with her husband, which I did not believe. But she made me understand she had it all planned out because she knew I liked beautiful women. Her cousin was the perfect beauty to seduce and lead me on, mess me around and then discard me. She disappeared in a puff of smoke, Dave.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Awal: After finding out that she had packed out, I went back to my car with the intention of driving to the police station to make a formal complaint. It was a really hard time period for me because I had made a quick turn in a corner onto the main street without really paying attention to the road. Truthfully, she appeared from nowhere into the crossing and I hit her with my car. I stopped and immediately ran out to see if she was okay. She was bleeding profusely. My second worse nightmare in life was when I first came in contact with my wife. I did not know what to do that instance. A few guys came over to help me carry her to my car. We sent her to the nearest hospital, and that was when it hit me, she could die. I broke into uncontrollable tears. It all started coming back to me, the love of my life that had vanished on me. The dream to be married that had been taken away from me by a vengeful woman and her cousin. The money I had lost. The innocent lady I had maimed and wasn’t sure whether she could fight for her life or not at the hospital.

DBM: I can only imagine your devastation

Awal: God being so good, she gained consciousness on the second day and I was allowed to see her. She looked at me oddly and managed to smile at me. I knelt by her bed and asked for forgiveness. She lifted her right hand to touch my shoulder and I looked straight into her eyes with tears in mine. She smiled with mercy and grace in eyes for me. Something inside of me loosened. I was touched by her smile. I was moved by the look in her eyes. That look threw a hint of light to shine through my darkness. That was the beginning of our attraction and friendship and relationship and later, marriage.

DBM: What else about her genuinely got you hooked?

Awal: She wasn’t performing to win my attention. A lot of the girls I usually would go for in the past I think put on a show to match my performances. She was deeper than a performance.

DBM: Was she your usual type?

Awal: No. But I felt safe and the connection felt real. I didn’t have to perform or impress. I experienced an honest feeling oozing out of me.

DBM: Did she feel the same way towards you?

Awal: She was developing likeness for me.

DBM: What else got you hooked?

Awal: She knew how to listen and make me feel heard and seen. There was warmth in how she made me feel seen. I could be myself around her, Dave. She made me laugh. She made me smile. She knew how to tease me softly and sweetly. It lightened my world and made me feel like I could be alive and lighter all over again. I felt at ease. She embraced my walls with peace. She had an independent life of her own. An impressive life, as a matter of fact. Goal driven, passionate about her career, super smart and intelligent. Very hardworking and forceful. That, was attractive to me. She was a complete package of her own who just happened to like being around me too. She didn’t need me to be her knight and shining armor. She wanted me to ride along her journey. My wife is a lady. She carries her presence without trying too hard for attention or validation.

DBM: Is she the only woman you’ve been with since you married?

Awal: She’s the only woman I’ve been with since hitting her with my car. There’s nothing brand new out there that can’t be drawn from my well at home.

DBM: Water is tasty.

Awal: Lol. Dave, my well is sourced from an underground aquifer deep in my wife’s soil. It’s naturally filtered but a little bit of high concentration of her soil minerals can easily influence her taste to sparkling water. Sometimes, she tastes like spring water. Most times, she’s regular tap water but she can be ionized with rich minerals to raise her pH level to a smoother alkaline water. Her water can be distilled. Water is tasty when you’re thirsty enough. How old are you, Dave?

DBM: 41

Awal: Who taught you that phrase? Water is tasty isn’t for your generation

DBM: I can be an unassuming gentle bad boy sometimes. I know a thing or two about the water I drink.

Awal: What kind of water do you drink?

DBM: Mine also has sodium (Na⁺), potassium (K⁺), and chloride (Cl⁻) dissolved in it. Sometimes it tastes sweet. Other times, it’s sour. It tastes bitter or salty once in a while when we’re mad at each other. But this morning, it certainly was umami

Awal: Lol.

DBM: What do you think is sustaining your marriage?

Awal: Contentment. Having a sense that I am enough. My wife is enough. Every moment in our marriage is enough, whether good or bad. Finding sufficiency in the enough and accepting what and who I chose to have in my life to do life with in this present moment. There’s nothing to compare if you dwell, commit to and savor the enough.

DBM: This was a good conversation. Thank you for your time.

Awal: Thank you.

Imagine Credit: RDNE

Coupling Right

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Pete: My wife was a placeholder in her ex-fiancé’s life after they had been together for 9 and half years. She gave him her best years until he met this young other lady that he later married. They’re divorced now, last I heard. Anyway, I asked my wife to marry me, 9 days after meeting her. She was 34. I was 39. I, alongside a few senior members of my family went to her father’s house to announce my intentions of marrying her. My wife was shocked. Her parents were shocked. My parents were confused because they didn’t know anything about her. My wife didn’t even know the names of my parents or siblings. In fact, she did not know my full name. She did not know where I stayed. I was in shock, yet I did it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nine days after you first set eyes on her?

Pete: 9 days. We got married 2 months later. It took 2 months because we had to follow her church’s laid down guidelines for marriage.

DBM: Did you know her that well to want to make such a huge commitment?

Pete: No

DBM: So, what was your reason then?

Pete: I knew what I wanted. I had been dating and chasing different girls prior to meeting my wife. I knew who I wanted for a wife the second day I went on a date with her. She was the woman I was certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

DBM: What was so special about her?

Pete: I cannot pinpoint the imperfectly perfect attributes to her as at that time, but I knew for a fact that she did not tick all of my usual boxes of what I often would go for in a woman. She was my type, yet wasn’t my type but I still somewhat, wanted to be near her. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted to be a better man for her to know. I wanted to make her smile and see her laugh. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted her to have my love.  It’s a silly unaccountable good feeling.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Pete: 27 years in September.

DBM: How did you meet?

Pete: I gave her a free ride in my car at a bus stop. It was raining and she was crying. As soon as I caught sight of her, I just knew I wanted to make her smile. It wasn’t love at first sight that struck like a lightening to leave me wondering. It was simply a gesture to want to see her smile. And she smiled for me eventually when I got her home.

DBM: How has the 26 years of being together been like?

Pete: It’s been good, it’s been bad but overall, good for me.

DBM: Kids?

Pete: No

DBM: You want kids?

Pete: I do but her situation is unique and we may not be able to have children of our own.

DBM: What is her unique situation, if you don’t mind sharing?

Pete: Before we got married, she had made me understand that she had had 4 abortions due to unplanned pregnancies for her ex-fiancé, and wasn’t sure the state of her womb.

DBM: Did it bother you?

Pete: Initially, it did not till I found out her ex had two kids with the woman he married. That got me angry because we had been married for 5 years by then. But I’d want to state that I came into this marriage with my eyes wide open.

DBM: Can you still do the rest of your life with her without children in the marriage?

Pete: Dave, childbearing has not taken too much of a toll on our marriage. We are content with what our situation offers us presently. We are taking advantage of the extra time, the extra money that could have been spent on a child, and the total freedom to do things for each other. It’s not an obligation to be a parent.

DBM: I concur. It’s not for everyone.

Pete: Yes, but it’s also a choice.

DBM: Have you had an affair or attempted to have a child outside of your marriage?

Pete: No. Respect for a spouse is not a light switch. Love is not a light switch we turn on and off to betray the people we are supposed to honor, as and when we please. My wife is the only woman who has ever made me feel at peace with my decision to want to marry and stay married to just one woman. She gives me every reason to want to be exceptional. Exceptional men stay true to their words. I vowed to make her feel loved and seen and valued. I’m going to keep my word.

Image Credit: Japhet Kweba

Love Is Not Always A Choice

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Zion: Before I got married to my wife, she was my mother’s favorite hairdresser. My mother lived with me 22 years ago. No hairdresser in our area could fulfill my mum’s enormous hair goals. She expected me to always drive her to the saloon, pay her hairdresser and then later pick her back home. The two times she forced me to walk her into the saloon so she could introduce me to the single women working there, her favorite hairdresser was absent. I met beautiful ladies though, and got to hear interesting stories about their lives and why they would make perfect wives. By the way, my mother’s favorite hairdresser was then married. My mum asked me to drive her to a friend’s house one weekend, and it just happened to be my wife’s home. She had missed two bookings with my mother and she was worried something could be wrong with her. We got to her house and she informed us about her struggle with cancer. She could not adjust to the changes cancer brought to her life because she did not have a strong emotional support. Her husband wasn’t often present at home.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good evening. How are you doing?

Zion: I am fine, David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. This is a sad story

Zion: It’s not a sad story.

DBM: It’s not?

Zion: Let me tell you what happened next. My mother started to make regular but short visits to her, and of course, I was the one always driving her to and fro. One thing I found striking about my wife was her ability to still be cheerful and would say funny things to make us laugh, even though she was in great pain. On one of those visits to her house, we were greeted with sad news. Her husband had been involved in a vehicular accident and had lost his life. His pregnant girlfriend survived the accident.

DBM: Pregnant girlfriend?

Zion: Dave, not every marriage is strong enough to survive a cancer diagnosis. My wife was telling us about the additional pressure and the distress her diagnosis had on her marriage with her late husband. It was a difficult challenge for him to navigate. She was telling my mother her inability to engage in sex with her late husband was due to the dryness in her vagina.

DBM: But is intimacy all about intercourse?

Zion: What counts as sex for you?

DBM: Sex to me should be any creative activity that is pleasurable enough to connect me to my partner emotionally.

Zion: Example?

DBM: I know how to give a good massage that can release me off stress.

Zion: Two weeks after her husband’s burial, my mother asked me to drive her to her chemotherapy treatment. We had an hour and half long meeting with her doctor. She had been struggling with the side effects of the medications and the procedure. It was a tough call but I was willing to be there for her.

DBM: Why?

Zion: At first, it was for my mother’s sake but later I became fond of her. I fell in love with her.

DBM: Did she have any children?

Zion: No.

DBM: How long after her husband’s burial before falling in love?

Zion: Exactly three weeks.

DBM: You could fall in love that quickly?

Zion: I didn’t have any desire for her to love me back. Loving her was good enough for me to be there for her. And I was willing to love her even through the cancer.

DBM: When did you know you were in love?

Zion: The day I decided to take six months off work to support her at home. I had no reason to do that but I did it. Loving someone isn’t a choice you make. It’s something you just do because you rejoice in it. It didn’t make sense to my mother. It didn’t have to make sense to anyone.

DBM: Was she also in love with you?

Zion: She didn’t have to, Dave. I was willing to be the only one in that situationship to be having her best interest at heart. What I felt for my wife was willing to endure cancer with her. I was willing to share her pain and grief. I am still persisting against all odds 20 years later.

DBM: That’s how long you’ve been married?

Zion: Yes.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Once In A Lifetime

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Thom: Marriage is not an easy decision to commit yourself exclusively to, David, but I have been happily married to a woman I am not ashamed to be upset, insecure, temperamental, win, fail, be scared, happy, unsure, certain or honest with when I am in her presence. My wife agreed to marry me 34 years ago and thankfully, our connection has been developing naturally and is never forced at any point. I am always slowing down. That has been the key to my successful marriage. My walk with my wife since embarking on this journey, three decades ago has been at a slow pace, one day at a time to draw our attention to the fact that, we’re at least moving, even if not as fast. My marriage is not for show. I don’t need to convince people that I am happy with my wife. Who cares, if you’re not living under our roof 24/7 to be a witness to it?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): You’re speaking my language Sir.

Thom: Dave, for 34 years my wife and I have built trust. We have in our snail pace also tested the frequency and intensity of our intimacy. I saw my father love my mother slowly but surely for 49 years and that has been my motivation since I became an adult. I want to be a good lover and I want my wife to enjoy sex with me. And because I want my wife to be satisfied in bed at all times, I am not in a hurry to rush the process. My wife knows she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and I remind her of that every day. My father was constantly affirming my mother’s beauty even though our neighbour’s wife was way prettier than my mom. What am I trying to say? Because I am choosing to make my wife my world’s most beautiful woman ever, I have not had the time to be interested in making another woman’s beauty the center of my attention or attraction. One advise my father gave to me on our wedding day was to appreciate my wife and care about what is important to her. What is important to my wife is synonymously linked to her feelings. Caring about what is important to her is to care about her feelings. That is why for 34 years, our marriage hasn’t been a struggle. I do not dismiss or ignore my wife’s needs and feelings. I honor them. I keep her safe. Emotionally she’s safe with me. Physically, she’s safe with me. Financially, she knows I’ve got her and the family we have built together covered.

DBM: This is a healthy conversation. I am smiling and willing to learn.

Thom: I smiled and learned from my dad, what it takes to be a good husband. Dave, I lost my job and was unemployed for almost six years. Guess who stood in the gab to return a favor to keep me safe emotionally, physically and financially?

DBM: Your wife

Thom: Yes. A wife will prioritize your well-being above all else if you prioritize hers above everything else. She has loved me for who I am and it has not been about what I have done for her, because I love her for who she is to me. She knows she matters to me, that is why I can be comfortable with the idea of helping my wife at home. I help with chores. I helped with the children aside taking on the financial responsibility of their wellbeing. Because my wife didn’t feel burdened at home after work, she had the interest to initiate sex from time to time. Dave, I love sex, so when I see my wife initiating intimacy with me, boy oh boy, it means the world to me.

DBM: How relevant is sex to a man?

Thom: The question should be, how relevant is sex in a marriage. Marriage is made up of the two people involved, and not just one man’s sexual drive. My wife has needs too, that’s why I am intentional on doing things to take the stress off her, so she can have space to tap into her need for intimacy. She needs to trust me to enjoy sex with me. We have built a healthy sex life with one experience after the other. And I prove myself to my wife every day, in the smallest ways.

DBM: Why do you think your wife loves you this much?

Thom: I’ve asked her this question before. She told me she loves me because I make her feel like she’s a part of our marriage as a team. She doesn’t feel dominated or controlled. We talk about important things together as equals. We make plans for our family together. We lead our family with love and respect. She knows she’s not doing this marriage thing alone. I feel I am not alone in the marriage too. I understand my wife’s needs.

DBM: Can we ever know a person we’re in love with that well?

Thom: My answer would be no, based on my own experience with my wife. After all these years, there are still some things I haven’t learned about her, even though I can confidently say I know almost every little detail about her.

DBM: Is love enough to make a marriage work?

Thom: I know what is enough in my marriage. I have a deep-rooted admiration for my wife and wife alone. She has a genuine admiration for me too. Love is not what is sustaining my marriage. God is. Prayer together with my wife is what is sustaining my marriage. Friendship with my wife is sustaining our marriage. Because the love we have for each other comes alive every day, it evolves with the changing times. What it used to be isn’t always going to be what it is today. What it wasn’t yesterday could be what it should become for us today. Our love evolves with time. I don’t always make my wife happy; she doesn’t always make me want to fall in love with her but I am committed to her all the way. I have never lost respect for the woman she is. She has so much respect for me too. That is why I don’t want to do anything to lose her respect because I might never get it back.

DBM: Let me guess, you’ve not cheated on her?

Thom: I have not and do not have any intentions to lose the respect my wife has for me.

DBM: Respect

Thom: It’s everything gold. When your choices are not judged by your spouse, you know how much they respect you. When your independence isn’t encroached by a spouse, you know they respect you. That is why I respect myself enough not to mess things up. Also, my wife and I talk about everything. I used to hear my parents discussing everything. It felt like there were no secrets between them. There are no secrets in our marriage.

DBM: Well, secrets have a way of dividing two people. I concur.

Thom: If something is bothering any of us, we say it as it. We don’t find sarcastic ways to mock or troll each other to make a point. I married Aku because I knew she was good enough for me. And if something is good enough, you don’t want to change it because you think you have changed. I could not have been one hundred percent sure of the woman I was marrying, 34 years ago. Of course, I knew who she was that fateful day at the altar, but I couldn’t have known who she was going to grow to become in 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years’ time. That is why I had to psyche myself to prepare for the unexpected in the land of the unknown. I had to be willing to find admiration for my wife, regardless of … You get the point, Dave?

DBM: I do.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Checking-In On Ourselves

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Nyakpoo: Hello David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello sir

Nyakpoo: Yipee

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: Finally. This is my third hello to you in three years. I’ve always wanted to share my love story with your audience.

DBM: Nice to meet you.

Nyakpoo: Nice to meet you, Dave.

DBM: I’m all ears.

Nyakpoo: Before I got married, my old boy sat me down to be sure I was cut out for it. Like him, I had made so many bad decisions in my dating life that negatively affected a lot of the women who had fallen in love with me. In my dad’s case, bringing children into it was the unforgivable part of his marriage. He told me that he felt he wasn’t mature enough to do marriage with my mother, though he was in his 30’s. My mom was ready to be a wife and mother but he wasn’t sure he was mentally and emotionally healthy to do the give and take in a serious commitment.

DBM: Why did he marry your mother?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with me. Also, he said she was hot.

DBM: Lol!

Nyakpoo: My dad was fluttering from one woman to the other, and that was pretty much my life too. I wasn’t interested in forming any ties yet. And there were no bounds, so I was meeting and having so much fun with different women who would come and go. I remember my father asking me one day if I had the maturity, patience and trust to be okay on the days, weeks or months that my wife wouldn’t feel like having sex with me. That was a tough question to answer because I am the very physical type of person when dating. My love language is… You know, in bed.

DBM: Your love language is in bed?

Nyakpoo: Anything vanilla under the sheets.

DBM: Smh!

Nyakpoo: He also wanted to know if I was willing to put in the needed time, the thoughtfulness, the level of self-control and sacrifice to make a marriage work. These were conversations I had never had with him before. In fact, I was very surprised he wanted to talk to me about it because in my eyes, he was the perfect example of a father and husband to look up to but no, he told me he failed my mother as her husband.

DBM: Did he explain his definition of failure?

Nyakpoo: His definition was everything my life with women had become. I was living without care and only interested in the casual. I realized I had been manipulating and deceiving women to get what I wanted without any intention of being in a committed relationship with them.

DBM: Why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: She was pregnant with my child

DBM: Let me guess, and she was hot? Lol

Nyakpoo: Lol. Yes, she was very hot. I’m my father’s son. But that was not that. I had introduced her to my parents and I think my mother had told her to be sure she wanted to do life with me. My mum doesn’t know about my personal lifestyle but she assumed I was just like my father, and was cautioning my wife to be careful with her heart. To be honest, I was really hurt she could say that to my woman.

DBM: Why were you hurt? She wasn’t lying about you, was she?

Nyakpoo: She wasn’t but she shouldn’t have. Because of what she told her, my wife started to feel a little confused, and was constantly questioning my intentions.

DBM: What were your intentions for her?

Nyakpoo: I didn’t have any but I cared.

DBM: I see. How did you two first meet?

Nyakpoo: We met in a bar. I’m usually the first to walk up to a pretty woman I am interested in but with her, I couldn’t get myself to approach her. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least, try.

DBM: What was your initial intention for the first approach?

Nyakpoo: To know her and maybe f**k with her. But we talked for almost an hour and went our separate ways. Days later, I found myself showing up to her office with a basket of goodies for an office break picnic. She was cooked.

DBM: Lol! You liked her that much huh?

Nyakpoo: I hadn’t done that before. Also, my life was all over the place and a bit questionable, and I had been trying to answer with women, sex and alcohol. Becoming friends with her changed my attitude about everything. My life I think took a few twists and turns that later on forced me to want to straighten it out. Her love for her parents inspired me to also be visiting my mother and father more often.

DBM: What about her made her stand out and not blend in?

Nyakpoo: I desired her in ways I hadn’t needed a woman before, and that made me want to be a better man for her. I developed a kind of love I had never felt for anyone.

DBM: Nice. I’ve already asked this question but I’d like to ask again, why did you want to marry your wife?

Nyakpoo: Honestly Dave, I’d never thought of having a family with anyone. My life was all about going with the flow. However, my wife was the only woman who ever made me feel at peace when I thought about the possibility of a marriage. She was my definition of what felt right to me. She had a lot of love in her to give.

DBM: Can you explain that?

Nyakpoo: I saw the way she loved her parents and siblings. How she loved her close friends and some of the people she worked with. The love she shared in her circle of friends, even when some of her colleagues were hard to love. I just couldn’t look past that. It said a lot about her. She doesn’t know this but she taught and showed me how to love by the way she filled me up with so much of her love for me.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Nyakpoo: We’ve done 15 years so far.

DBM: And, has it been easy?

Nyakpoo: This is what I’ve been doing every weekend since we got married; I check in on my wife to know how I’m doing as her husband. I ask if she’s happy in the marriage. I ask if she’s okay. I ask if there’s anything I could do to improve her life or ours, as a couple. Whatever her responses are to these questions, I try to do the best I can to make it up to her in the week. She picked up on my line of questioning and started doing the same with me every Sunday. I check in on her every Saturday, and she checks in on my needs every Sunday. It has made our 15 years together as husband and wife so easy.

DBM: Oh wow! I’ve never thought of that. I’m going to copy this check-in tactic and practice it in my own marriage. We say ‘I love you’ everyday but I have never been the type to check in to know if I make happy. Thank you for this insight.

Nyakpoo: Because she’s been checking in on my needs, I’ve never felt the need to even cheat on her.

DBM: I figured. Huh! This is good information. I like you

Nyakpoo: Thanks Dave. I like you too.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

What Works For Us

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Agymah: My name is Agymah

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Nice to meet you, sir. My name is David

Agymah: Hi Dave. I am a silent follower of your FB platform. I have been for years and I love how consistent you have been.

DBM: Thank you, sir.

Agymah: I have been married for 39 years, but we’ve been together for 42. I feel like I can stand on my experience with my wife to say that marriage is an easy agreement and establishment between people who value the friendship they share – and can get to hang out, have fun, deal with the realities of life and have sleepovers every single day.

DBM: Hehehe!

Agymah: True. Because I have chosen my wife to be my closest and best friend, we have managed to face the hard parts of our journey together.

DBM: In other words, marriage is easy?

Agymah: Marriage is easy, yes.

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Agymah: I was expecting this question actually. David, when you CHOOSE to be so attracted to the man or woman – you’re doing life with, you will not find yourself constantly pursuing the other people you are attracted to.

DBM: So, does that make it a yes or a no?

Agymah: I have not cheated on my wife, no.

DBM: But you have found other people attractive, no?

Agymah: I have passed by and of course, seen other women that I thought looked beautiful. ‘Attractive’ is only reserved for my wife because of the thrill to it. Attraction has a desire in the shadows of its delight. That is why I would rather choose to act from my desire to bring into daylight – what I want to do to the woman I am attracted to, my wife.

DBM: Ha! Interesting.

Agymah: It’s a choice, Mr. David. And I think I have heard you say that quite a lot on your platform.

DBM: Yes

Agymah: But do you believe it’s a choice?

DBM: I believe it’s a choice.

Agymah: It’s a choice to cheat on your wife or husband. It’s unfortunate that many of us would rather look good on paper and pretend for people to love seeing us together than to actually be honest.

DBM: How did you meet your wife?

Agymah: We were arranged in marriage. It wasn’t forced. I wasn’t interested in settling down. My wife was a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and both of our mothers, who happened to be friends invited us home and talked us into the idea of marriage. We practically did nothing. Our mothers planned everything and all we had to do was show up on dates they had fixed.

DBM: Really?

Agymah: Yeah. The first time I had a one-on-one conversation alone with my wife was on our honeymoon. There is no guarantee in anything, Dave. Not even a love relationship/friendship before marriage. That is why I say it’s up to the two people involved to make the effort.

DBM: You mean to say, you didn’t go on dates, you didn’t talk on phone or visit each other before marriage to know yourselves?

Agymah: We did none of that. I built the friendship I have now with my wife in our marriage

DBM: Was she your type? Did you even have a type? Were you the type of guy she went out for

Agymah: I have always had a type. My wife was the opposite of my typical type, however, getting to know her a few months into our marriage changed my perception. I realized I was beginning to understand her unique qualities that made us a bit compatible. I was no longer interested in the selfish qualities I used to look for in a woman because that was what I wanted or was used to. This is what I think: having a type you go for is good but it should serve or act as a guide, rather than it being your final black and white checklist.

DBM: Let’s talk about sex

Agymah: What do you want to know about my sex life?

DBM: The first night with your wife, how was it like?

Agymah: It was nothing spectacular for me. I don’t know about my wife, but I thought of it as one of my usual hook-up pick-ups. The sex was pretty good actually. It was a new arrangement and it had its own awkward spark to it. We had talked for about an hour in our hotel room after the marriage ceremony, and I was beginning to like this part of her life without and outside of me – which made me want to get in on it. I paid attention to everything she was telling me about herself. I also realized that she felt comfortable telling me all about the crazy side of her life. She was into me and I was into her, and I think that woke things up in us a bit. The sexual attraction and tension started to build up from that point. And it created a certain amount of voltage between the sheets.

DBM: When did you realize you could fall in love with her?

Agymah: The morning I woke up after our first night together. I didn’t want her to leave, and I didn’t want to run. Which was shocking.

DBM: You knew?

Agymah: I just knew.

DBM: So, the sex made you know?

Agymah: No! It wasn’t the sex. It was our conversation before sex. We had the same life goals. Our values looked similar; our sense of humor and thinking aligned. We shared a lot of similar interests and could potentially see a good friendship between us. I was willing to put in the work.

DBM: Marriage is work then. It’s not easy

Agymah: David, working hard towards a goal isn’t a bad thing if it’s rewarding. My reward is getting to do life my wife.

DBM: Children?

Agymah: No, we don’t have kids.

DBM: Is it by choice?

Agymah: No. She had a medical condition where tissue that was similar to the lining of her womb was growing in other places outside her womb.

DBM: Oh, endometriosis. There is this twin lady on my Facebook dealing with same. I first heard about it from her.

Agymah: Ok.

DBM: Does it worry you to not be with child?

Agymah: Not at all. And I don’t think we have missed out on being parents. We have mentored and made impacts on a number of kids. It’s not the same but it feels the same to me. A trip down the aisle doesn’t mean the next thing to follow is a child. My wife and I live our lives the way we want it to be. We don’t care about what society is expecting a family to look like. I have no regrets marrying my wife. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

DBM: Good for you!

Agymah: You can choose to be happy on your own terms. You don’t have to have a wife or husband in your life to experience that. You don’t need a child in your marriage to experience that. You choose to be your own individual man or woman and can be whole on the inside and outside of yourself. We need to get to know ourselves as we would anyone else, we may want to build a relationship with. Get to know and build a healthy relationship first, with yourself.

DBM: I am my own best friend.

Agymah: That’s the way to go about it. I am always telling myself I am worth knowing and deserving of my own attention. I am curious and intrigued about my own self and I tend to be so kind to myself and needs.

DBM: This was really good. Let’s do it again another time.

Agymah: My pleasure.

 

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Man like Fynn

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My husband claims he married me because of this strange, yet irritating habit I have of speaking too frequently in a question form. I am a very curious woman, Dave. That cannot be overstated. You tell me you love me; I need to know why you love me. You tell me you are not happy in the marriage, I need to know why you’re unhappy. You tell me you want sex; I need to know why you want to fuck me. These conversations spur learning and enables us to exchange as much ideas as possible. My husband will not admit to this, but it has fueled performance in our intimacy and built the needed rapport and trust between us.

We have been married for 21 years and our son was telling me recently that I am starting to look like his daddy. Apparently, we now share the same mannerisms and I have realized it too. The way I say ‘hello’ on the phone, the way I laugh and talk; the way I approach situations. It’s hard to observe oneself but I think being married to Fynn has helped me to also act in accordance with my beliefs, and have been consistent and reliable in my personal and professional life.

My husband is a very honest man. He has deep compassion and empathy. He understands my problems and would do anything to relieve my burdens or pain. I have never met a man who sincerely cares about the well-being of his wife and child as Fynn does. We first met at a Goil Filling station. He was walking around with a Bic Cristal pen behind his ear, providing customer service at the gas station. He moved to the fuel dispenser near my car to pump and before taking my cash, he asked if I was a single woman.

“Uh, yes!” I nodded, smiling to communicate that I was checking him out too from a distance.

“You know, we should get together some time this week.” He said, so enthusiastically while he took my money and counted it. I was single but not lonely, though often alone. Fynn was charming. He still is, but there was something about his appearance and smile, and the way he talked to me that captivated and held my interest. He brought a blend of strength and sensitivity to our first interaction at the filling station.

I picked him up after his shift one evening to go out on our first date. My observations were these; he was a smart guy. A very confident and curious graduate from Legon. He was also very BROKE. Dave, there is already a lot of pressure on women to do almost everything in the household. The idea of adding the burden of potentially carrying a broke man’s ass could almost be too much. I thought of it, to be honest. Fynn was honest and open about his feelings, pocket and intentions for me, and did not hide his thoughts. I listened to everything he had to say actively, and acknowledged our different viewpoints. I got to know he was unable to find a better job despite putting in the effort.

Fast forward to when he got his master’s degree, started his dream job and then later asked me to marry him. My husband has been consistent in being sensitive to my needs and feelings. He responds to me with so much kindness and support. Every year on our wedding anniversary, he assures me of keeping his promise and vows, and will fulfill his commitments. A man like this, I can depend upon in all aspects of my life. It’s not even about him being faithful to me; It’s about Fynn choosing to be devoted to the growth of our marriage, and standing firm even in challenging times. He walked into my life quietly and has been showing up for me loudly.

Every woman deserves to be with a man who willingly gives freely without expecting something in return. A man who enriches your life and the relationship he intends to build with you. A man who makes you feel valued and cared for without the daily broadcast of his goodness and mercies upon you. A man who treats you well, not just in easy times but when challenges arise. Fynn is a pleasant companion. Every decision or initiative he has taken in these 21 years have been made while considering my needs and wishes.

Image Credit: Chris wade NTEZICIMPA

Let’s Talk To Uzoma

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 119: My name na Uzoma

DBM: Hi Uzoma. How would you describe yourself?

Uzoma: Fine Nigerian man with a wife and children inside Banana Island. I think I have a warm fuzzy in my heart.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Uzoma: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Uzoma: I’m not advertising myself; I am not trying to indirectly tell any woman how to feel about me. In fact, I am happily married; let me just put that one across. When I married my wife, one of her Aunties gave her this piece of advice during our wedding reception, ‘do not expect too much from your husband oo, Chiamaka, if you do not want to be disappointed someday’. My wife’s name is Chiamaka, which means, ‘God is good’. David, as a man who has been true to Chiamaka for the past 11 years of marriage, contrary to her aunt’s advice, I think every woman should rather expect a whole lot of a great deal from the men they’re in relationships with – and not for a second, be expecting disappointments. Good men should not be hard to find. And all the wonderful men aren’t already taken.

DBM: How old are you?

Uzoma: 43

DBM: Continue …

Uzoma: I’ve come across a dozen women who have told me to the face, ‘Uzo, I long for you.’ And all these women know I am married. Some even are friends with Chiamaka, yet find me desirable. When a man truthfully loves his wife, and is being loved back by her, the best version of himself shines through. As I chat with you now, I feel like I’m alive because this morning, Chiamaka caressed my loins, held me tight, kissed my lips, sucked out my third leg almost to tears, and rode me with so much confidence – I cum harder than a quickie. Then before stepping out to my car, she smiled at me and whispered love to my ears. A different woman will see me today and just assume I’m a fine man; but do they know the cause of my fineness? Chiamaka’s watered garden is what is bearing fruits to their admiration.

DBM: Hehehe. You’re funny 😊

Uzoma: It’s the truth, David. Nigerian men love mekwe

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Uzoma: Never

DBM: Why not?

Uzoma: Whenever I catch another woman checking me out, my heart billows with so much pride. In fact, I get excited because Chiamaka is working the right number on me.

DBM: Why do you think most men are not so clear lately about what it means to be true and of good character?

Uzoma: Again, let me use my Chiamaka as an example. When we considered dating, she took kpansh with me off the table. She wasn’t a virgin; I wasn’t either. It was a decision she had made, not to sleep with me. Today’s woman is all about celebrating her sexual freedom. I’m all for it but what she’s not aware of is that, her liberty to do whatever with herself is what is giving us men dominance to misbehave and get away with things on the sex market. If the milk was supplied me for free, what’s the relevance in revering the cow? To answer your question, I respect my wife so much to think of disappointing her. I fear letting her down. It will hurt my feelings to betray her trust in me. She’s the only inspiration behind the why I want to get my shid together.

DBM: Because she wasn’t willing to be your sex partner during the dating period?

Uzoma: Because it was impossible to pressure her into having sex with me.

DBM: I see

Uzoma: We had our first sex only because she wanted to sleep with me.

DBM: How long into the relationship?

Uzoma: After nine months

DBM: Why did she give in?

Uzoma: I’m guessing it had become clear to her that I was in for the long haul.

DBM: Are you for sex before or after getting married?

Uzoma: I am all for shagging

DBM: I see. What else is there to you?

Uzoma: As I said already, I love me some Chiamaka, and though we live under the same roof, we have different characters. At work, I’m one of the best team players, something I am very proud of. That is why when my wife suggested we hired a help to assist us at home, I said no. A house help, in my opinion, would have destroyed the level of teamwork that we share now at home. And I didn’t want at any point to feel like any of us were neglecting our duties. One thing I don’t know how to do is to cook. My wife is great at that, so whenever I get home, I show my gratitude in other ways. I talk and play with the children, help with their homework, and put them to bed every night, etc. On weekends, I clean the windows of the house, I help with laundry, I clean the toilets and bathrooms, the cars, take out trash, make the bed, etc. I’m basically saying, I sweep, I mop and dust

DBM: What’s your profession?

Uzoma: I’m a Petroleum Engineer. Chiamaka is a Financial Analyst

DBM: You’re both busy

Uzoma: We are

DBM: How many kids?

Uzoma: 3. Two boys and a girl

DBM: Interesting

Uzoma: When I get home from work, I put the pride aside and just humble myself before my wife and children. For 11 years I’ve been lending Chiamaka a helping hand at home, and it has helped our marriage a lot. My home is peaceful, clean, happy, fun, lively, and engaging. My wife feels relaxed, calm and excited to jump into bed with me at the end of each day.

DBM: I think you’re a good man, sir

Uzoma: Thank you, David. I try.

DBM: What are you most proud of?

Uzoma: I smile when at the end of the day, my wife gets to call her mom and mine to say hello. Being each other’s help-mate gives her hands time to check on others. I’m also proud of myself when I sacrifice my sleep, sometimes to attend to our daughter or sons – when they wake up at night. I do this so Chiamaka can have enough sleep for work.

DBM: Does putting in the work at home make you any less of a man?

Uzoma: On the contrary, I’ve seen marital problems fade away right before my eyes. I’ve been a witness to the effort Chiamaka puts into making me happy, and I am empowered to even do more for her and our children. I don’t know how to say this, but I think my wife has the keys to my heart. She treats me right

DBM: I would love to have a chat with your wife

Uzoma: I will pass on your message tonight

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Vazhnik

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