Tag: LGBTQ+

I Wanna Stand Over There

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Paisleigh: Dave, it’s February. Can we chat? I’ve been messaging you since September

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Good morning. How are you doing?

Paisleigh: Am fine. How about you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Paisleigh: I have a 24-year-old daughter who wants to get married this year. I’ve been a little grumpy about her decision because I know she’s not ready for what she’s about to jump into. I’ve not been able to congratulate or be happy for her because I am against her decision to marry so young. And because of that she wants me to introduce her to her father’s family. I raised my baby girl as a single parent. Her father has not been a part of our lives since I got pregnant with her. He does not even know I got pregnant with his child.

DBM: Is her father alive?

Paisleigh: Yes

DBM: Do you want to introduce her to him?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: Why not?

Paisleigh: She came about as a result of rape.

DBM: I’m sorry about that

Paisleigh: I have tried to keep the conversation about her dad out of our talks because she may end up eventually hating him.

DBM: Or, forgiving him. People change, you know?

Paisleigh: Yes.

DBM: Do you want her to know him?

Paisleigh: No. I do not trust him.

DBM: Are you comfortable sharing what actually happened between you two, prior to the assault?

Paisleigh: I was questioning my identity at a very young age. 14, maybe 15 years old. Even at that age, I knew I couldn’t see myself pursuing a relationship with a boy even if I liked one. Boys had had crushes on me but I couldn’t crush on any of them that I liked as friends. Rather, I found our class prefect Mina attractive. I also liked Akua Forson, and Maame Serwaa. Dave, these are real people I schooled with and are now doing so well in life. It was a struggle to express my feelings openly, so I had to repress it somehow. I can’t remember what really happened but something happened for me to be enrolled in a camp retreat for 9 days during one of our school vacations. There were a lot of teenagers at the camp. One of the leaders or organizers of the camp who registered me upon my arrival was talking to my mother, and I don’t know what discussions they had had till date; but he showed special interest in my spiritual growth at the retreat. He seemed harmless and his tactics were insidious. He forced himself into becoming my spiritual mentor and ended up assaulting me sexually a day before the retreat ended. He also told me my mother had informed him about my interest in girls and he felt I was truly broken on the inside, that he had to teach me what it felt like to have interests in boys.

DBM: Did you report him to your mother or any of the leadership at the camp?

Paisleigh: No. I was disappointed and mad at myself. And I believed him when he said I was a broken piece. I was also mad at my mother for setting me up to this.

DBM: Predators pick on children they know are the least likely to tell on them.

Paisleigh: You’re right. I was the shy girl, very quiet and secretive. My mother trusted and was depending on him because he was the Christian adult at the retreat.

DBM: How old do you think he was?

Paisleigh: Not sure. 29 or in his early 30’s. When I got pregnant with my daughter, my parents were insisting to know who was responsible. I was beaten by my mom and threatened by my dad but I kept his name to myself.

DBM: Your mother was not able to watch for signs you directly or indirectly showed at home after the camp?

Paisleigh: No

DBM: That is rather unfortunate. They were wrong for what they did to you. As a parent, beating an already severely traumatized child is really some next level shit.

Paisleigh: I know but I also blame myself. I shouldn’t have paid any attention to what I felt for girls.

DBM: I do not believe any girl or boy should be conditioned to our culture’s misogynistic and heteronormative attitude of always encouraging people to place their value on their capability to just being straight with their desires. It’s not every boy that is attracted to a girl. It’s not every girl that is attracted to a boy. Some boys desire boys. Some girls find girls attractive.

Paisleigh: Hmmm

DBM: Anyways, let’s get back to the story of your daughter.

Paisleigh: Yes. My biggest fear is that she would gravitate more to her father’s love and acceptance of her and may no longer need me.

DBM: What makes you think that?

Paisleigh: The man is doing very well for himself. He is a big shot preacher with a big church and following in Accra. He has a beautiful family and my daughter may be drawn to the glitter.

DBM: As parents, we are indirectly expected to model to our children how to approach life and relationships. We are to teach them how to express and receive love; teach them how to process feelings of all sorts and how best they can handle disagreements. Do you think you have modeled that for her these past 24 years?

Paisleigh: I have tried. Yes

DBM: Good! It’s her father’s turn to shape and color the lens through which she’s going to see and make meaning of life. She’s deserving of that relationship with him.

Paisleigh: Without her knowing the genesis of her birth?

DBM: That is solely to your discretion but I would have told her about the camp-retreat story, and what he did to me. That is the context she needs right now to shape her conscious and unconscious perceptions about what she’s seeking in a father.

Paisleigh: Ok

DBM: I hope your daughter knows how phenomenal a mother you have been to her

Paisleigh: Hmmm

Image Credit: Tubarones Photography

Taking A Chance On Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyrone: Are you free to talk David?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Yes please. How are you doing?

Tyrone: I’m good. Thank you

DBM: What’s on your mind?

Tyrone: I am a married man. We’ve been together for 20 years. We met on KNUST campus. I remember my whole world changing when she first walked into our lecture hall and sat right next to me. She asked of my name and our first conversation started. We’ve been talking every single day since then.

DBM: ‘Been together’, meaning married for?

Tyrone: Yes

DBM: Good for you!

Tyrone: Lately, I’ve been developing affection and care towards someone else.

DBM: Who?

Tyrone: A very good friend of mine.

DBM: Does your wife know her?

Tyrone: No

DBM: How did you first meet?

Tyrone: It’s a him

DBM: A man?

Tyrone: A man.

DBM: I see.

Tyrone: Are you surprised?

DBM: Nope! It’s a subject I find delight in discussing.

Tyrone: We’ve not done anything physical yet but we’ve established the fact that there is this intense chemistry between us. My emotions have been completely caught off-guard. At first, I thought something was wrong with my marriage.

DBM: Is something wrong with your marriage?

Tyrone: No.

DBM: Are you a homosexual?

Tyrone: If you had asked me this question last year, I would have said no. Now, I don’t have a clear answer to that question.

DBM: Have you been with, or been attracted to the same sex before?

Tyrone: This is my first time experiencing such a romantic connection towards a man. So, no.

DBM: Have you been with any other woman since you married your wife?

Tyrone: No, but I had been dating women prior to my wife and I making a serious commitment to one another.

DBM: So, for 20 years, you’ve not known any other woman or person but your wife?

Tyrone: Precisely.

DBM: Okay! I commend you on that. Well done!

Tyrone: Thanks.

DBM: Is your friend single?

Tyrone: Yes, divorced.

DBM: Do you have any childhood recollection of you ever being overly, fond of a boy or man?

Tyrone: I had a science teacher in JS 1 that I thought was beautiful in a funny way. I liked the way he dressed and how his trousers fit his back cheeks tightly.

DBM: Are you homophobic?

Tyrone: I used to be. I had issues with anyone who identified as gay. Probably because I was indirectly battling an internal struggle, I wasn’t aware of.

DBM: What kind of ‘struggle’?

Tyrone: I wouldn’t call it a struggle per se. I don’t know, Dave. I can’t explain.

DBM: Let’s go on an imaginary excursion

Tyrone: Okay. Where to?

DBM: The beach. We’re feeling the salty taste of the air. We can feel the wind on our cheeks. Are you feeling it?

Tyrone: I am, yes.

DBM: We’ve been given four hours with nothing to do but to relax and enjoy the sound of the waves crashing so hard onto the shore. How is the feeling like?

Tyrone: Calming. I feel happy where I am

DBM: Good! We hear men and women breaking out into the sun by the sea. You open your eyes. What/who are you looking at?

Tyrone: I see all the people and can touch their excitement

DBM: Where is your attention focused at this moment, while staring at the people walking on the beach?

Tyrone: I’m checking both the men and women out.

DBM: Which of the sexes is your attention more drawn to?

Tyrone: I like the ladies in their bikinis. I like the shirtless men in shape and in wet shorts.

DBM: Which gender are you gravitating towards, sexually?

Tyrone: Both

DBM: You wouldn’t mind tapping both asses?

Tyrone: I would tap that of the ladies I am attracted to first, and then explore with the men who find me attractive.

DBM: Is it a maybe sort of, exploration or a definite tap?

Tyrone: The men?

DBM: Yeah!

Tyrone: Definite tap.

DBM: Still on the beach…

Tyrone: I’m here

DBM: You’re not married in this scenario. Your wife shows up as a single woman, walking her dog. Whatever feelings you think you feel towards her surfaces in your heart. The very good male friend you’re developing affection and care towards is jogging shirtless in see-through soaked shorts. Whatever you think you feel for him is on your mind’s eye. Who are you going to approach and invite home?

Tyrone: Invite home for what?

DBM: Knowing you, knowing me; dinner, maybe sex; waking up next to in bed the following morning.

Tyrone: I can’t take both?

DBM: No! The option is to take one home for today.

Tyrone: And I can take the other home the next?

DBM: Maybe, yeah!

Tyrone: I will take the guy home first.

DBM: Why?

Tyrone: My desire to want to explore with him is a living, breathing something that I cannot explain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I do, though our marital sex life isn’t that active anymore. Being with this guy may allow me to have more sex.

DBM: I know you love your wife. You don’t have to explain yourself. The attraction you feel towards the guy, is it only sexual?

Tyrone: No. I want his love. I want his affection. I want his friendship. But I want to experience pleasure without always having to be in control, like when I am with a woman. I want to connect with him in a sexual way and still feel masculine. Am I a bad person for feeling the way I feel?

DBM: There are people who are not ready to have or accept a new definition of yourself. They would probably be the ones to judge you. I don’t judge you. You’re coming into this part of your identity because another person awakened it someway, somehow. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you any lesser of a human. There is no shame in noticing someone other than your wife. Do you want my honest opinion?

Tyrone: That’s why I am here, Dave.

DBM: If whatever feelings you’re developing towards this man is starting to seep heavily into your thoughts, then I would admonish you to consider bringing it to your wife’s attention. You need to tell her the truth so she can be in the known, but most importantly, help you share this concern. If you can do this, it will be a tell on your character: that you are honest and true. That you have courage and enough humility to be weak.

Tyrone: I can’t tell my wife about this, sorry.

DBM: Why not?

Tyrone: Dave, I can’t. It will destroy her trust in me. It will be the beginning of the end for my marriage.

DBM: Then you’re not willing to do the work that it takes to keep a marriage healthy, transparent and vulnerable.

Tyrone: I’m willing to do the work, but I can’t tell her something like this.

DBM: How do you stay true to your wife while, at the same time, feeding another affection developing elsewhere?

Tyrone: I don’t want to deny myself the feelings he’s bringing out of me.

Image Credit: PNW Production

Let The Little Girl Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Oluchi: Hi

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hiya!

Oluchi: How do we do this?

DBM: Just write what’s on your mind

Oluchi: I was 18 years old when I got married to the man my parents, specifically, my mother picked as my prospective groom. I didn’t have much to say in their arrangement. It was my 18th birthday and I woke up that morning to my engagement ceremony. We’ve been married for 17 years and I have nothing in common with my husband other than our two kids. Our relationship hasn’t grown; we don’t talk, because there’s nothing to talk about. I know what love is but I don’t know how to give him my love. I couldn’t have time to hatch a plan to run away from home when I realized I was being married off to a stranger. My husband sedated and raped me under the guise of marital obligation. It was my first sexual encounter. I have woken up many times in the course of our marriage to find him having sex with me without my consent. I’ve been drugged, raped and abused for 17 years in a marriage I did not consent to. And I have had enough.

DBM: Marriage without your consent is invalid and non-binding, even if your parents are in agreement

Oluchi: I didn’t know any of that. I was only 18 and thought it was a surprise birthday party. I heard my parents saying yes to a lot of things before I was forced to accept the man as my husband. I didn’t know his family had come to knock on our door to inform my family of their son’s wish to marry me. I had never met the groom before. Only my parents knew of him. I was asked to wear a new kente dress my mother arranged to be made for me, along with gold jewelry to accent the attire. It was when an aunty came to my room and had in her hand tekua, for me to wear on my head, that I figured it wasn’t a surprise birthday party. By the time I was asked to join them downstairs, his family had presented clothes, jewelry, money and other items as my dowry. My brothers were also given money. Members of both of our families sat across from each other and I was told to say yes, three times. I was then presented to the man’s family. My husband gave my dad schnapps and the spokesperson said the marriage was sealed.

DBM: Did you find out why they gave your hand in marriage without informing you?

Oluchi: I know why

DBM: Why?

Oluchi: Because my mother caught me masturbating. She entered my room without knocking to grab her sewing kit box and found me squirting to lesbian porn. I was 16 years old. She also found similar porn magazines I had hidden in my room and ran to my father, crying to tell him. That was the first time my daddy looked at me with disgust and punched me in the face. I fell on the ground panting for air. They locked me in my room like a prisoner for two weeks. Since then, I have lived my life in fear.

DBM: I am terribly sorry. This is absolutely heartbreaking

Oluchi: Before my husband took me away, my mother told him to put the fear of God in me

DBM: Hmmm!

Oluchi: I left my husband’s house.

DBM: How long ago?

Oluchi: 3 months.

DBM: How about your children?

Oluchi: I left without them.

DBM: Do they know where you are?

Oluchi: No, but I have been visiting them in school. They know I am fine

DBM: How about your parents?

Oluchi: They’ve been dead to me since I was 18. I don’t care about them anymore.

DBM: Do you work?

Oluchi: Yes. I started a new job three months ago. I had to change jobs because my husband and parents knew where I worked previously. I was living a miserable life, Dave. I wasn’t happy. I was depressed. I was suicidal.

DBM: Are you going to be alright wherever you are now?

Oluchi: Yes.

DBM: Do you know why I’m not saying much to you?

Oluchi: No

DBM: Because you’re the only person that is sure to remain in your life and stand by you forever when everyone one else sees you as the problem. I am so glad you have cut ties with your parents and husband. Any person that holds you back from growing mentally with their actions or choice of words are not welcome. Stand your ground and never again allow any man or woman to stretch their wickedness any further. You will find a way to be happy.

Oluchi: I want to experience what it means to be happy

DBM: You will, and when you do, you will project it so loud – it will attract the right person to your heart.

Oluchi: I have a really good job that brings me stability.

DBM: Stability is attractive.

Oluchi: Hehehe

DBM: How old are your children?

Oluchi: 16 and 14. They saw and heard their father become abusive towards me in every way. The subtle physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional and verbal abuse broke me down to the extent that, they started to worry. My son was the one who begged me to leave their father. He told me he had never seen me happy since he was born. Though I visit them in school and secretly give them money to save, they have never told their father nor grandparents about my school visitations. They understand why mummy is not home with them, and they’re okay.

DBM: Is your husband the only man you’ve been with?

Oluchi: Yes. I don’t know of any other man or woman sexually.

DBM: What’s your short-term goal?

Oluchi: Get a divorce. Connect with my children and have them come around. Find a loving woman to be in a relationship with.

DBM: Okay! Your husband doesn’t deserve you. Whatever your parents’ reasons were to throw you to the wolves in the name of marriage, know that the abuse you suffered wasn’t your fault nor your responsibility. Only your husband is responsible for his behavior. Your parents are responsible for their neglect and abuse of you. Being a lesbian does not excuse their bad behavior. Nothing ever excuses any form of abuse or disrespect. No matter how ‘straight’ you pretend to become, your parent’s behavior and that of your husband’s is their choice.

Oluchi: Yes

DBM: You have life. You have your sanity. You have GOD. You have a good job. You have your children. That’s all that matters at the end of the day.

Oluchi: Dave, it got to a point in my marriage I was willing to force myself to fall in love with my children’s father, even though I have a strong attraction to women. It was so confusing to pretend because I am not sexually attracted to men. I have fantasied about women since I was 11 years old.

DBM: What goes through your mind when you see a woman you like?

Oluchi: Let me give a typical example. When I was in JSS 1, we had a class prefect who always added my name to the names of talkative on the board. Anytime she did that, I would look at her angrily, and in my teenage brain, picture myself as a handsome guy and be thinking about all the things I would do to her in the bedroom. She was my first crush, and I didn’t even like her.

DBM: Ha!

Oluchi: Anytime my husband is on top of me and sweating, I get very jealous that I may never know what it feels like to penetrate a woman. Because in my mind, I am also a man and would be fantasizing about having sex with a woman who wants me. If I had not left my marriage, I would have poisoned my husband to become the grieving widow trying to date women.

DBM: Have you come out to your children?

Oluchi: I have. It was nerve-wracking to be vulnerable before my kids.

DBM: Did they understand you?

Oluchi: My daughter understood. It was my son whose first reaction was anger. It’s taking him a bit of time to process why his mother would be attracted to women.

DBM: How long ago was this?

Oluchi: Three months ago, at their school. It’s recent.

DBM: People need their own timing to process such information. It’s not rejection.

Oluchi: I know

DBM: I am very proud of you. Well done!

Oluchi: How long do you think it’s going to take a boy child to talk to his mother about how he feels about her preference?

DBM: I wouldn’t be able to know. Every child is different. You basically disrupted his assumptions of you. That is not his idea of how a woman should love. His feelings may or not change with time but you did the right thing by being honest with them. They deserve to know and understand why their mother will never want to be with the opposite sex. Doing right by the people you love also means being honest with them. Just keep the door open for questions and communication. It nurtures an environment where progress is possible.

Oluchi: They know they can ask or talk to me about anything. When I visited them two weeks ago, he asked me if I ever loved his father. He also asked if I knew I was a lesbian before marrying their father. He asked if I ever cheated on their father with a woman. He wanted to know if my parents knew about my sexuality, and if I had ever had a relationship with a woman before marrying their father. I answered all his questions truthfully.

DBM: Good! It shows them that you’re indeed open and actively listening to what their concerns are, and that you have a vested interest in trying to understand their point of view. You’re teaching them an important life skill: Every human being deserves to feel seen, heard and respected. You’re not forcing them to accept you. You’re teaching them to be open-minded. Just give them space to take care of their own emotions while you also explore yours at your own pace.

Oluchi: I will keep you updated

Image Credit: ALLAN FRANCA CARMO

A Brother From Another Mother

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Turff: Hi Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi. How are you doing?

Turff: Fine. U?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Turff: I am going straight to the point?

DBM: Sure! What’s up?

Turff: I just found out that one of my best friends – I have known him since we were ten, is gay, and I am upset.

DBM: Why are you upset?

Turff: This guy stole my girlfriend when we were in secondary school and I never forgot about it. I never forgave him.

DBM: Do you still call him ‘your’ friend?

Turff: Yes. He has been there when I truly needed him in the past. I could call on him at 1 o’clock in the morning for literally anything, and he will be there with no hesitancy. I love him like a brother from another mother.

DBM: No one can ‘steal’ a girl from you. It’s all up to the girl. If she decided to leave you for your gay friend, then she wasn’t that much into you.

Turff: I and the girl were very much in love, Dave

DBM: A girl who doesn’t want to be ‘stolen’ in a relationship cannot be taken away by another man

Turff: I am upset because all that while he was a homosexual and he pretended as if he likes girls.

DBM: Look at it also from this angle; your girl needed a moment to step back to allow space – so you both could grow individually. It’s another way of honoring what you two shared and held dear, without forcing it into a shape it cannot hold. You were young. You were in senior high school.

Turff: Anyway, it’s in the past

DBM: The past is a memory we can still appreciate because of the people in it that impacted our lives for the better or worse.

Turff: Yeah. Back to my friend. He reached out to me telling me he needed a place to perch for like six months. He was staying with his friend but has been kicked out.

DBM: How old is he?

Turff: 36

DBM: Does he work?

Turff: Yes, but I don’t think he earns enough

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: For six months?

DBM: Are you in a position to host him?

Turff: Yes, but I might have to ask my wife.

DBM: Okay! Ask your wife then?

Turff: My wife will not agree

DBM: Have you asked her?

Turff: Not yet

DBM: How do you know she wouldn’t agree?

Turff: She doesn’t approve of homosexuality.

DBM: Oh, okay! If she condemns people like that, then you’ve got to protect her wish.

Turff: Moreso, we have kids. Boys

DBM: What has that got to do with anything?

Turff: Moreso, we are a Christian household.

DBM: What has it got to do with the other?

Turff: I’m just saying … You know… Trumutrumu tu.

DBM: What is your memory of him? How would you describe your friend to me?

Turff: He is a very nice guy, very polite and respectful. He is thoughtful, honest and very smart. He is not a troublemaker. He used to walk like a girl.

DBM: Smh!

Turff: But it’s true. Lol.

DBM: Why is he being kicked out from his previous abode?

Turff: His roommate found out he sleeps with men.

DBM: Why, were they sharing the same room?

Turff: No.

DBM: Does it bother you that he is same-sex attracted?

Turff: I don’t know. But I know God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah

DBM: Do you know why GOD destroyed those two cities?

Turff: Yes. Men were sleeping with men.

DBM: The account in Genesis 19:6-8, states that, Lot went out to meet an angry mob at his entrance and begged them to rather rape his two virgin daughters. Did you read that part?

Turff: But Dave, the Bible clearly calls homosexuality a sin in Genesis 19.

DBM: That’s not my understanding of that passage. Read Ezekiel chapter 16:49. It says Sodom was destroyed because the people were greedy and arrogant. They were prideful and wicked. They were corrupt and lacked empathy. They were also neglecting the poor amongst them. Because most people in church practice selective outrage, they would rather associate Sodom and Gomorrah with homosexuality, and not address the sexual violence against women and men.

Turff: How about Leviticus? The Bible calls it an abomination.

DBM: I don’t wanna go into this conversation

Turff: Why? What are you scared of?

DBM: I am not scared of this subject. I just don’t see the point in explaining myself to a homophobe

Turff: I am not. I am just asking questions.

DBM: You are not asking questions. You’re using mistranslated Bible scriptures as a weapon to control a narrative.

Turff: Leviticus says homosexuality is an abomination. Let’s discus.

DBM: Why do you want us to discuss it?

Turff: Because my wife will use these same scriptures to refuse my friend.

DBM: Will you be comfortable with him staying with you?

Turff: Yes

DBM: I am a Chriatian, and I am not obligated to follow the Mosiac Law. Though some commandments have been brought forward because they are deemed helpful for our faith in the New Testament, I am often tempted to ask which of the commandments are worth keeping today. And if they’re to be kept, what criteria is to be used?

Turff: I don’t quite understand what you are saying but continue. Lol!

DBM: Leviticus 11:4-7 forbids the eating of pig, rabbit, shell-related fishes (crabs, shrimps, etc.). Do you eat any of these today? Leviticus 19:19 forbids the wearing of clothes made with more than one kind of fiber. Does your wife eat fried shrimps with fried yam and shito, while wearing a mixed fabric to look pretty? Do you have tattoos on you?

Turff: No

DBM: Good! Because Leviticus 19:28 forbids it. Does your wife wear trousers?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Deuteronomy 22:5 forbids women from wearing any men’s clothing. Leviticus 19:19 forbids sowing mixed crops. Do you know how vegetables and food-based plants are grown on farms by farmers before being sold to your wife at the market?

Turff: Dave, but I don’t think it’s the same argument.

DBM: It is the same. You brought Leviticus and what it describes as an abomination, no? Leviticus 25:35-37 commands you not to charge interest on loans or take profit from people who do not have, or cannot afford. Leviticus 25:23 bans the selling of land permanently to prevent divide between landowners and serfs. Deuteronomy 21:15-17 calls out the assumption of having multiple wives or concubines a sin. Is your wife the only woman you have been intimate with since you married?

Turff: No.

DBM: Have you ever had sex with a woman on her menstrual period?

Turff: Yes

DBM: Leviticus 18:19, 20:18 calls it a sin. Leviticus 19:33-34 commands us not to treat foreign residents as though they were equal citizens. Are you friends with, and nice to a foreigner? Why do Christians choose which prohibitions in the Bible to apply if not to police and marginalize others? It’s only a small-minded bigot who will refuse to hold people accountable for what Jesus actually said.

Turff: But in Genesis, we all know God created Adam and Eve, and not Adam and Steve?

DBM: The entire creation story in Genesis, to the best of my knowledge was about roots, ancestries, backgrounds, heritage and mainly, companionship. It wasn’t about orientation. Adam and Eve, was a beautiful love story GOD created. They lived their best lives. Let other creations of GOD who find other creations of GOD attractive be. Leave them be if they have shared experiences, which requires the same effort, presence and alignment you bring to the table to make your wife feel loved. What makes you think they don’t deserve what other people bring into their lives? The laughter, the lessons, the love?

Turff: Expunge what I am about to say from our chat

DBM: What now?

Turff: I fucked him when I was in UCC. He was in Legon. He visited me a couple of times.

DBM: What do you mean?

Turff: That doesn’t make me gay

DBM: Wait! Is he the only guy you have had sex with?

Turff: Yes, or maybe, no. But I love pu$$y.

DBM: Did you enjoy the sex with him?

Turff: Yes.

DBM: What happened next?

Turff: Nothing happened next. He was catching feelings. I don’t do feelings.

DBM: You do feelings. You just don’t do feelings with a man. I don’t think you should let him come over and stay. If you can afford to help him rent a place of his own, that would be ideal.

Turff: Why do you say that? I want him to come over

DBM: In-as-much-as you say you enjoy sex with your wife, you also have a desire to engage in sexual acts, specifically anal sex, with a specific man.

Turff: But Dave, I don’t want to date him

DBM: I understand, but what you just told me tells me that your sexual orientation may be more fluid and open to exploration when it comes to sexual experiences, while your choice of romance is more aligned to acting straight and staying married to your wife.

Turff: I can afford to help him rent a place.

DBM: That settles it then.

Turff: But that would also mean, I might be going there to visit him

DBM: That is better than confusing your wife with his presence at home. She would wonder exactly what the man she’s in love with have in common with a homosexual. And by extension, what she possibly could have in common with him. You are that common denominator they both share.

Turff: We had something going. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was fulfilling.

DBM: You had friendship, and that should be good enough. He cannot force you to be what he needs, just as you cannot fix yourself in a situation that doesn’t serve you. That doesn’t erase the good times you shared. It’s okay to sometimes look back and appreciate what he once meant to you. It doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human.

Image Credit: Gweje of Africa

Deacon Muna

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Participant: Dave, my name is Munachimso. Can we chat?

DBM: Hi Muna. What’s up?

Muna: I’m not sure who I am.

DBM: How are you doing?

Muna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Sup?

Muna: I know I’m a man, and a Christian. I am a deacon in church. I want to embrace my sexuality and also enjoy a gratifying relationship. I’ve been trying to figure out my orientation but I don’t know what to believe about myself anymore. I don’t know whether I’m straight, gay or something else. Romantically, I’m attracted to men. Sexually, I’m attracted to both men and women. I’ve experimented sex with both men and women and each excites me differently. Unfortunately, the sex I want to engage in the most has a lot of shame and stigma surrounding it.

DBM: How old are you?

Muna: 37 years

DBM: The sex you want to engage in the most is which type?

Muna: Men

DBM: You know that the way we feel about people or something today may be different than what we may feel, say, a year from now?

Muna: Yes. Believe me, I’ve laid awake at night wishing that I really could pray the gay away.

DBM: Why is that?

Muna: The gay stigma, Dave

DBM: It’s not that easy to grasp in depth your true feelings if you ignore them. As a human being, you ought to allow yourself enough room to feel your feelings.

Muna: I know

DBM: Have you been in a committed relationship before?

Muna: Yes

DBM: With men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: For how long?

Muna: My last relationship was with a man. We were together for a year. I’ve also dated a woman for two years in the past.

DBM: You loved them?

Muna: I did

DBM: Were you in love with them?

Muna: I was

DBM: Why did the relationship end?

Muna: She found out I was messing around with my last relationship and broke up with me. I took advantage of the breakup to date him. My relationship with him didn’t work out because we were entertaining other dudes on the side.

DBM: Are you dating now?

Muna: I am entertaining a few conversations

DBM: Men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: Which of the individuals you’re conversing with are you that much into?

Muna: I’m intimate with both, so I cannot be sure. But I enjoy being with them.

DBM: What do you feel for the guy?

Muna: I like him. I respect him; I like calling and talking to him. I love laughing at his stupid jokes. I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with him.

DBM: How about the lady?

Muna: She brings out the best qualities in me, she would be a good mother if we’re to have any kids. She’s a positive influence in my life.

DBM: Do they know there’re two of them competing for your attention?

Muna: The man knows and does not mind. He understands that’s how it works.

DBM: That’s how what works?

Muna: If you want to achieve an ideal of normalcy. He is married to a woman

DBM: Are you straight?

Muna: I don’t think so

DBM: So, why are you trying anything that might make you straight?

Muna: Naija we dey, bro!

DBM: Are you bisexual?

Muna: I probably might be

DBM: But are you?

Muna: I’m not sure

DBM: Until you learn how to stand your ground in this society; until you learn how to pause, reflect to check-in with your authentic self to know who you really are, others will decide it for you.

Muna: I don’t want to be known as the ‘homosexual’

DBM: You’re a human being, a person. And you can identify as a man without societal labels.

Muna: Hmmm!

DBM: Make time to look at who you become when no one is watching

Muna: I know I’m going to have to deal with it. I get that

DBM: I doubt you get it. What you feel and what you do with a man or woman doesn’t make it any less valid an experience. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong with your choices. It doesn’t mean you’re confused. Are you confused?

Muna: No!

DBM: You know exactly what you’re doing and what you want in life, no?

Muna: I do

DBM: What do you want?

Muna: Someone who can make me feel special and safe

DBM: So, when you close your eyes right now and imagine yourself with a potential partner, do you see a specific gender?

Muna: Yes

DBM: Is it with a male or female?

Muna: A man.

DBM: Okay!

Muna: You think it’s, okay?

DBM: I think that’s your identity for the moment. Everything you believe you are. Everything you know, deep down, that you think about. Everything you feel and strongly believe. That is you, Muna.

Muna: I’ve been seeing a therapist for my depression.

DBM: You will get there. It’s just going to take a bit of time

Muna: But I’m still struggling to feel at ease being anything other than heterosexual

DBM: This fear can limit your ability to live to the fullest. You know that, no?

Muna: Yeah! It’s the shame of being gay that is holding me back

DBM: Shame can also be a sign of strength.

Muna: How does that work?

DBM: Feeling shame sometimes unearths our understanding and gives us the ability to actually connect with others

Muna: Last question

DBM: Please ask

Muna: How about what the Bible says about homosexuality?

DBM: I have not read the Bible in its entirety, but this is what I know, your life as a gay Christian man should not be filled with any different kind of fear, guilt or shame – that would discourage you to keep your unique experience with the grace of GOD upon your life to yourself. Do better and stop sleeping around.

Muna: My dick can be content sometimes with the right person but my heart isn’t most of the time. That’s why I am unable to stop.

DBM: It should matter to you who you put your rod and staff into.

Muna: Yeah!

DBM: Find someone you can be true to and be your authentic self around him or her.

Muna: I want to be in a serious relationship but some of these people the moment you start exchanging the I love you too feelings, they start to make you feel like a freak for desiring and wanting them sexually. I love sex. That’s why most men cheat. We’re not getting much of it in the relationships that are supposed to keep us happy and fulfilled. Work is stressful enough. Sex with outsiders can be a stress reliver. I am in my whoring phase till the shine wears off.

DBM: Even if it means being reckless with the feelings of people you know ultimately, may end up being that much into you?

Muna: Lol!

DBM: Explain your understanding and feelings about sex to me?

Muna: Let me use this simple analogy. I love to travel a lot. And though I love where I currently live, I often get sick and bored of the same old place. I know the routes and routines of the neighborhood and even the city. Same old everything, day in, day out. Meanwhile, there are fun places outside my neighborhood and city to visit. Fun places outside the country to see something new, eat something new, feel something new, do something new for a change. Do you have an idea how rich my experiences would be if I visited more places?

DBM: I don’t think any serious man or woman should cling to whatever crumbs of emotion an unavailable man is willing to throw their way – whenever they decide to check on them because they’re lonely and horny. People deserve people who want to stay.

Muna: I want to stay but people have to also learn to accepts those of us who love sex a lot. They should learn to deal with it and even perhaps, use it to their own advantage.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Let’s Talk To Unathi

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 190: Name is Unathi

DBM: Hello Unathi. How would you describe yourself?

Unathi: My stomach is full, my balls are empty

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Unathi: 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Unathi: I want to share my experience in marriage. I’ve been married to Sbusiso for 12 years. And in all the years we’ve been together, he’s poured his love into me every moment. I’ve never been adored from head to toe like he adores me. He loves me to the extent that I know I am not alone in this. Love that confirms to me every day, that I am a part of something way bigger than myself. Our future looks bright, our dreams look interesting because it has the potential to come true. Our journey, though not always smooth, has been rewarding.

DBM: That is nice to know. How did you meet?

Unathi: I knew his cousin and he had been trying to get us together. The cousin invited me to his graduation dinner, and had simultaneously invited over Sbusisso too. That was how we first met. He made us sit side-by-side at the restaurant and practically, forced us to talk.

DBM: Hehehe!

Unathi: Actually, when he walked in, I recognized him immediately because his cousin had told me a lot about him. I had also seen pictures of them together.

DBM: Was he the type you usually would go for?

Unathi: No!

DBM: You knew this prior to meeting him?

Unathi: I did!

DBM: Interesting

Unathi: He wasn’t unattractive. He just wasn’t the type I found attractive.

DBM: Understood!

Unathi: Also, I had made a decision to adjust my standards and be willing to get to know him as a person. Five minutes into our conversation, I discovered I had a belly laugh that could grow with each second he tried to be really funny. That was the first ‘something’ I noticed to find physically appealing and attractive about him. How he made me smile and laugh. I liked his smile. I liked his laugh.

DBM: If you could change anything about the way you were set up to meet your husband, what would it be?

Unathi: I would change the context of the meeting. We were at a graduation dinner, with a lot of his family and friends. I would have preferred the two of us alone at the table instead.

DBM: You liked him already?

Unathi: I started connecting on an emotional level in less than an hour of meeting him. In that moment, I knew the rest could fall into place.

DBM: Attraction does grow with time.

Unathi: That is true

DBM: I’m very proud of you for giving a man you usually wouldn’t go for a chance to know you.

Unathi: One of the best decisions I ever made in life. I have been pleasantly surprised and been loved in a way that still makes me feel like, I am the only one in the world who truly matters to him.

DBM: Do you feel you are in love with who your husband is right now as a whole? Or you’re only that much into his good side, and maybe, his potential and, or the overall idea of him?

Unathi: Firstly, I wouldn’t have gone for a skinny, bald man, who is my height or a bit even shorter. I liked them tall, dark, thick, very well built and manly. My husband is the total opposite of what I go for physically, in features. But none of it mattered in less than an hour of talking to him. He calmed my fears that, I was bold enough to request for a real date. Something about the way he talked to my spirit sowed a seed of happiness and fulfillment in me that I never expected. I’m okay with the man Sbusiso, and I love the shit out of him.

DBM: In other words, you’re not settling for what you deserve?

Unathi: I’m fighting for what I know I do deserve: A good man who loves me to the end.

DBM: What is something that surprised you about falling in love?

Unathi: I used to think love alone formed the foundation of a marriage. Now, I know respect rather is its cornerstone. Had the respect between me and my husband not been mutual, our pillars of trust, understanding and communication would have crumbled by now. Mind you, I am not the easiest guy to live with, and that alone bypasses explanation.

DBM: What does a happy marriage look like to you?

Unathi: A bond that consists of true love, understanding, respect and resilience, nurtured now for the future. That is the promise we make at home every day, to stand by one another.

DBM: What do you remember most about the first time you had sex with Sbusiso?

Unathi: Eina! It was a horror movie.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: Picture this: First Blood, 1972. Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo, bending to take a dick.

DBM: You’re funny! Lol!

Unathi: I’m serious! I’m a top, my husband is a top. And because the love was new and felt good, we did not pay attention to our sexual needs before falling in love and agreeing to be in a relationship.

DBM: Was it that difficult a subject to discuss?

Unathi: It was. I almost admitted it was a mistake, and was ready to move on to find someone who could be more compatible with me.

DBM: How did you find a way around it?

Unathi: We had a long talk and came up with ideas. My first suggestion was for us to get a submissive bottom to play with. A guy to be used and shared. Sbusiso was against it. My second idea was for us to find a third party that was a bottom and have 3-somes together. Again, he wasn’t open to it. He wasn’t willing for us to break up, and so he suggested alternatively fucking each other in the ass. I had that in mind already but I wasn’t going to be the first to suggest it to him.

DBM: Were you open to it?

Unathi: Yes

DBM: ‘Yes’ because you actually wanted to try bottoming or it was the cleanest avenue to do it in order to finally say ‘no’?

Unathi: I loved him so much, I wanted to try to become verse. He was willing to do same for me because he cared about me. But I wanted to top him so bad, I flipped a coin thinking heads would surface in my favor, only for me to be the first to bottom.

DBM: Lol!

Unathi: But he was slow and gentle. He lubed me up well, while he teased, fingered and sucked me to get me in the mood. I was by this time so horny; he entered and made me whole. That was one of my best orgasms ever. It was jol all day-all-night. Since then, we’ve been taking turns during sex.

DBM: Have you ever cheated on your husband?

Unathi: No

DBM: Has he ever cheated on you?

Unathi: Not that I know of, no!

DBM: What’s one way you think you’ve changed since you met your husband?

Unathi: I’ve become more aware and intentional, not just of my husband’s needs but those around me. I’m less stupid and scared or afraid to see what is in front of me in the present – so I don’t miss the hints and opportunities to them. I used to also fear disagreements but my husband has taught me how to face them head-on. In fact, whenever we quarrel and he’s even in the right, he is never interested in winning the argument but rather growing together from the experience with me. I’ve learned prioritizing harmony over proving a point.

DBM: That is strong. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Unathi: Any time

DBM: 😊

Image Credit: Uriel Mont 

Let’s Talk To Gyaaba

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 26: Gyaaba

DBM: Hello Gyaaba. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Gyaaba: I am 39 years, very independent, organized and detailed; I love to multi-task and I show concern for other people’s feelings, and can connect with them on a personal level. I see myself to be strong, and can easily adapt. I am able to also persevere when obstacles come my way. I believe I belong to God, thus, my resilience and conviction to rather stand firm, come what may.

DBM: You look way younger than your age.

Gyaaba: I am told. Thank you!

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Gyaaba: I currently live in Houston, but I used to live in Ghana. I used to be married. I ran away from my matrimonial home, five months after our wedding because I realized I had made a mistake – settling into something I did not want.

DBM: You didn’t want to be married?

Gyaaba: I like marriage, but I didn’t want to be married to a man.

DBM: Who did you want to be with?

Gyaaba: A woman.

DBM: You’re a lesbian?

Gyaaba: Yes Dave, I am Lez.

DBM: Hmmm! You know most people in Ghana are uncomfortable with this subject

Gyaaba: Is your readership centered in Ghana?

DBM: No!

Gyaaba: Then I deserve to share what has been my experience.

DBM: Lez go! How did you know you were attracted to the same sex?

Gyaaba: I don’t think I really knew. But in Senior High School, I used to like one of my best friends. I couldn’t stop staring at her anytime we were in class. I thought she looked pretty in everything she wore. Anything she did looked interesting to me. She wasn’t even funny but I thought she had a great sense of humor. I felt heartbroken however, when one of the guys in our class started to get close to her.

DBM: So, you had a crush on a girl, and that was it?

Gyaaba: I attended a mixed school, and in those days, the guys were obsessed with the girls, chasing each other down everywhere, writing themselves love letters, etc.

DBM: Yeah…

Gyaaba: I wanted to write a love letter to a girl.

DBM: I see

Gyaaba: At the university, I tried liking boys

DBM: And how did that go?

Gyaaba: Robert was my first boyfriend. He loved me but I couldn’t feel the same way he felt for me. We dated for three months, and in those months, I would have sex with women in my dreams.

DBM: Did the thought of Robert ever make you feel aroused?

Gyaaba: No!

DBM: Having sex with a woman in your dreams doesn’t necessarily make you a lesbian.

Gyaaba: That was when I started doing a self-reflection. I wanted to understand who I was and what I desired. Timothy asked me out in my third year, and before I knew, he had started to bond. I suddenly became busy with my studies and couldn’t make time for him.

DBM: Were you busy?

Gyaaba: I was trying to avoid him because he tried to kiss me one evening.

DBM: Did you kiss back?

Gyaaba: I was just pale when he planted the kiss on my lips.

DBM: What was the feeling like?

Gyaaba: Nothing I wanted to experience for the second time. I came up with an excuse of tiredness and left him to go sleep. I was disgusted by the idea of doing anything romantic with a guy.

DBM: When did you have your first sex?

Gyaaba: On my honeymoon

DBM: With a man?

Gyaaba: Yes. I was married. I think I am still married, because he’s refused to grant me a divorce after leaving him.

DBM: How long ago since you left?

Gyaaba: I left Ghana in 2011

DBM: This is the five months into your marriage scenario?

Gyaaba: Yes!

DBM: Why did you marry your husband?

Gyaaba: It was revealed to my Pastor that he was the man destined for me.

DBM: Did your Pastor know about your sexual orientation?

Gyaaba: His wife knew. I had confided in her three years prior to the hook-up. I don’t know if she discussed me with her husband.

DBM: Did you believe your husband was the man meant for you?

Gyaaba: I did not, but I went ahead in order for the prophesy to manifest.

DBM: How long did you and your husband date?

Gyaaba: Nine months, I think. We got engaged, and married four months after the engagement.

DBM: Did you enjoy getting to know him as a potential spouse?

Gyaaba: My husband is a great guy; tall, dark, handsome, and with a good job and deep pocket. He is authentic; what you see is what you get. Unfortunately, I realized the way he felt about me was totally different from the way I felt about him. I should have considered his feelings and not gone ahead with the marriage plans. I was not attracted to him.

DBM: When was the last time you spoke to him?

Gyaaba: 2013

DBM: What did you talk about?

Gyaaba: I wanted a divorce.

DBM: That was unfair on your part

Gyaaba: I know. That is why I want to come clean to him

DBM: Does he know why you left?

Gyaaba: I left to pursue a PhD programme. That was my initial excuse. But after the degree, I stayed in America.

DBM: Why did you stay?

Gyaaba: I found the close emotional bond I had been craving for

DBM: In a woman?

Gyaaba: Yes! Once I knew I enjoyed kissing and touching the breast of a woman while going down on her, I had to admit it to myself.

DBM: You’re a Lesbian.

Gyaaba: I am a lesbian!

DBM: How long have you been dating your lady?

Gyaaba: Seven and a half years

DBM: And she’s been the only one in your life?

Gyaaba: One and only

DBM: Who else knows?

Gyaaba: My Pastor’s wife was the only person I told in Ghana. I want to tell my husband the truth.

DBM: Why now?

Gyaaba: He deserves the truth. Secondly, my partner and I want to get married. I have to be divorced to accomplish this.

DBM: Do you know whether or not your husband was able to move on?

Gyaaba: He’s had two kids with someone in my absence. He has moved on.

DBM: Unfortunately, not everyone in Ghana is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. Is your husband a tolerable environment to come out to?

Gyaaba: I don’t know

DBM: Is he someone you can rely on?

Gyaaba: In which sense?

DBM: How you come out to someone really depends on the kind of relationship you have with them.

Gyaaba: We’ve not spoken in a long time, and our last conversation ended in a fight on the phone.

DBM: I see!

Gyaaba: I know that the moment I tell him this, he will laugh at, or insult me; he will tell his family, mine and friends.

DBM: It’s good you’ve come out to yourself first. I think that is the most important thing.

Gyaaba: I hope so

DBM: Do you love your lady?

Gyaaba: Dave, before I even met her, I dreamt of someone like her; and the dream was beautiful. When she showed up to me, I was least expecting this much happiness in my life. Now I know dreams do come true. I am very much in love and happy to be with her.

DBM: Does she love you as much?

Gyaaba: She loves me very much.

DBM: Then, know that you are loved, needed and valued; your feelings for true love are valid, just as anyone else’s – and that you deserve to be treated with respect. Assuming anyone attempts to make you feel guilty or bad about who you know you are, and whose you belong, just remind yourself of the one person in your life right now who desires to see you become the very best of you, and succeed in whatever beautiful present and future affirms you. Let this foresight make you feel so seen. All you need at the moment is an audience of ONE!

Gyaaba: I think I am going to call my husband right now.

DBM: All the very best.

Gyaaba: Thank you, Sir!

Image Credit: Anna Shvets

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems