Let’s Talk To Syid
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 103: Syid
DBM: Hi Syid. How would you describe yourself?
Syid: Dealing with unprocessed anger, hurt, frustration and resentment
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Syid: 4
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Syid: My father’s brother was like a friend to me. Because my dad used to travel a lot, he was the one who represented as my father-figure during PTA meetings, whenever my mother couldn’t come. He helped me go through difficult times in my life; he taught me how to save and invest. He is the reason I can simply accept what is, in my life. He’s lived his life in such a way that, no one will suffer because of him; he takes very good care of himself. Dave, I understand the importance of hard work and sacrifice because my uncle is a living example of what that means. My father died last year. Family and visitors came to our house till he was buried. I assumed there was no one home when I arrived a month after my dad’s burial; only to hear these little noises coming from my mother’s bedroom, after I shouted her name to be sure she was home. When I got to her bedroom door, which was partially closed, I saw my uncle, naked. He had put a pillow on his lap to cover his boner.
DBM: Oh, my!
Syid: Before I could express my shock, he shouted my name and said, ‘I’m your father, boy’
DBM: As in?
Syid: My biological father
DBM: Where was your mother in this moment?
Syid: Seated next to him. She confirmed his claim, saying she was attracted to my uncle for over a year before the man I believed was my actual father swept her off her feet with money and good living. My uncle used to work for my father. My mum says, she never thought what she had with my uncle could come to anything because it was just attraction from a distance. But after my late father started traveling to work in different places, and would come home once or twice a month during the weekends, she found herself bouncing back to the man she once cared for deeply.
DBM: Did she love your late father?
Syid: She was married but unhappy
DBM: I can only imagine
Syid: She also said, she had known my uncle longer and had naturally begun to imagine what the future would have looked like with him. They discussed plans like marriage, renting a house together, divorcing my dad and starting a family of their own.
DBM: How would you describe your late father?
Syid: He was also one of the kindest people I had ever seen. He loved all of his children and had a great sense of humor. He had no enemies
DBM: How many siblings do you have?
Syid: We’re three
DBM: You’re the eldest?
Syid: No, the second
DBM: How old are you?
Syid: 32
DBM: Is your uncle married?
Syid: He never married. That’s one thing I could never understand
DBM: But he had girlfriends, no?
Syid: I never saw him with one
DBM: Has he other children?
Syid: Not that I know of. Come to think of it, I think I saw signs of him and my mother being too close for my liking when I was young. Many times, he visited us at home in my father’s absence, he could look over at my mother, and their eyes would meet, and then mum would look down – and sometimes would open her mouth in shock and burst into laughter because my uncle would be having a hard-on. I’ve seen him slap my mum’s butt in the kitchen on two different occasions when I was young. And she used to leave us at home to watch all the TV in the world and sleep anytime we wanted on Fridays or weekends that my father wasn’t around. On those days, I remember she used to dress sexier than usual to go out. I have seen my uncle come up behind my mum, grab her by the hips, and slow-dance with her, but stopped the moment I walked in on them after school.
DBM: Your young eyes have seen a lot
Syid: But it didn’t click back then
DBM: He was your favorite uncle; how would anything click for you?
Syid: This life is fucked up
DBM: What’s going through your mind right now – talking about them?
Syid: I feel conflicted with hate for both mum and uncle
DBM: Have you talked to your mother and uncle about how you feel?
Syid: I don’t know how I feel, Mr. Dave. I feel betrayed
DBM: Do you think they intentionally wanted to hurt your feelings?
Syid: I don’t know, but whatever they’ve done has made me cry
DBM: I understand your tears. Perhaps, when all the mixed-feelings are less, you could consider being upfront with them about how you feel being kept out of the picture
Syid: Would it make the shock of it any hurtful?
DBM: Fortunately for you, you have a better understanding of your mother’s past with your father’s brother. You have your own recollections of the both of them – even though you could not put two-and-two together. I believe this should help you to find a more manageable resolution with them.
Syid: I grew up looking up to my parents and uncle. They were my favorite role models and how I wanted my own family to look like
DBM: You can still process your emotions through this. Do you know if your siblings are your late father’s children?
Syid: Mum says they are. There are DNA-test results to prove it
DBM: I see
Syid: These changes everything about my life in a massive way, realizing the man I thought was my father actually isn’t
DBM: The bottom line is this, they put you kids first. Both fathers and mother were present to teach you, guide you and help you to become who you all are today. They did not just create you, they loved on you – regardless. Hating on them now may be valid an emotion, but ask yourself if it’s healthy for you
Syid: Easier said than done
DBM: One thing I always tell myself is that, I am not answerable for what I experience at the hands of others. People willingly choose to do whatever they feel like doing to either hurt or uplift my feelings. The only mature thing I can do is to simply hold on to the control that I have in restoring my own mental and relational sanity
Image Credit: Tom Adabi
