Deliberate Intent
Karl: Dave, quick chat. My wife complains about every little I do. I’m of the opinion that she’s getting tired of me.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Explain ‘every little thing’ you do.
Karl: For example, I come home sometimes very late.
DBM: From work?
Karl: Yeah, sometimes
DBM: How about the other times you come home very late?
Karl: I stay out late so the time I get home, the kids would be asleep.
DBM: You don’t enjoy the company of your children?
Karl: They can be a lot, Dave.
DBM: So, your wife is the only one left to deal with the ‘lot’?
Karl: She’s good at it.
DBM: Has she a 9-to-5 job of her own?
Karl: Yes.
DBM: How old are your children?
Karl: The oldest is 11. Youngest is 6
DBM: Do you feel guilt at all missing the bedtime of your children?
Karl: Sometimes
DBM: Which of you gets your kids up and fed and ready for school?
Karl: The wife
DBM: Who does the housecleaning, laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping and helps the kids with their homework?
Karl: My wife. She’s always loved doing that.
DBM: What do you love to do at home?
Karl: I pay the bills and fees
DBM: Does your wife contribute financially towards the bills, fees and household management?
Karl: Yes, sometimes
DBM: Sometimes, meaning?
Karl: Not regularly.
DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how frequent are her monthly contributions?
Karl: I’d say 7 or 8.
DBM: That is a regular financial contribution towards the household.
Karl: Yes
DBM: What do you do during the weekends?
Karl: I rest. I sleep in during the weekends because my weekdays are hectic.
DBM: What’s your wife’s profession?
Karl: Accountant
DBM: She does all that, and what do you do? Come home late from work or wherever else you choose to spend your time in the evenings and lay down in bed and sleep. And repeat the same routine the following day? Your partner really would be at loss at what to do.
Karl: That’s not how it’s like.
DBM: How is it like then?
Karl: She’s making an issue out of everything I do because she doesn’t trust me.
DBM: Why doesn’t she trust you?
Karl: I made a few mistakes in the past and she’s still holding it against me.
DBM: What kind of mistakes? Argh! Do I even need to ask! You had an affair, no?
Karl: Yes
DBM: It was a one-time thing?
Karl: No
DBM: And you call that a mistake?
Karl: We all make mistakes, Dave
DBM: There is a difference between making a mistake and choosing to make bad decisions. Because everything you have done thus far has been willful acts.
Karl: Here comes the other judge
DBM: I’m not being judgmental boss. I am just telling you everything you have told me thus far in other words. What are you desiring in your marriage that your wife isn’t forthcoming with?
Karl: I desire more space in the marriage. Something needs to change.
DBM: What needs to change?
Karl: I don’t want to be the one to tear our family in half, all for my own comfort. Dave, I’m not happy. I’m not cut for this whole husband and father role.
DBM: Why did you get married?
Karl: I’ve been asking myself the same question. She got pregnant with our first child and she wasn’t prepared to have a child out of wedlock.
DBM: Do you love her?
Karl: I like her. She’s a good girl. Hardworking. Beautiful. Sensible. She used to be fun to be with. I don’t recognize her anymore.
DBM: What work do you do?
Karl: I’m an engineer
DBM: Imagine this scenario: Your workload at work suddenly got increased, while your job title and compensation remained the same. How would that make you feel?
Karl: Frustrated
DBM: Would you still feel that frustration knowing you’re doing more without being recognized or consequently, rewarded?
Karl: Yes
DBM: Marriage is not like your engineering field where every new task seems to fall within your skillset or better still, aligned with your career goals. Marriage is a stretch beyond what we think we’re prepared for. It’s a significant stretch beyond what you initially vowed on your marriage day to do. Let’s go back to the increased workload scenario. What would you do, quit?
Karl: No
DBM: What would you do?
Karl: What would you also do?
DBM: I have always found delight in taking on extra responsibilities at work and seeing it as an opportunity to showcase my capabilities. It’s also a way for me to position myself for a promotion. Marriage is no joke. We push through it all. That is what your wife has been doing all these years since you two got married. Her role is no longer the girlfriend you used to have fun with. Her role expanded after marriage. She became your wife and a mother to your children. She’s been handling these extra tasks successfully. What have you been doing?
Karl: I help the best way I can
DBM: Is your best good enough?
Karl: I don’t know
DBM: You need to live long enough to appreciate how your wife has been ordering her steps to put your family together as a unit. Deflecting and starting to question whether your marriage is still the right place for your long-term peace of mind and happiness isn’t the solution to the very problems you have been creating within it. Check your intent sir, because you’re deliberately choosing to disrespect your wife and marriage.
Karl: Thanks.
DBM: Do not become the type of guys who only sound smart and wise on social media and pretend they know what it takes to be a responsible husband but do not live any of it.
Karl: Thanks. Got to go.
Image Credit: Jay Soundo
