Everybody Hurts
Theodore: My mother filed for divorce on their 25th wedding anniversary party which was organized by my dad, her now ex-husband. It was a reunion for the whole family, none of their friends invited, which I thought was weird at first. Then I later came to find out that she had specifically insisted she didn’t want any friends coming to the celebration. She wanted just the families from both sides in attendance.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh my! How old were you that year?
Theodore: I was 23
DBM: When did this happen?
Theodore: 2017
DBM: Fairly recent
Theodore: Yes. They raised three kids in total; built their careers and navigated through all sorts of illnesses and life events. My mother surprised us with her decision.
DBM: Was it a mutual decision on the day of the announcement?
Theodore: It took my dad by surprise too. He didn’t see it coming. He wouldn’t have spent money on a party meant to announce the death of his marriage.
DBM: Do you know why your mother chose to opt out?
Theodore: My mum is a very private person. And also, peaceful. She told the three of us after the party, that, she and my father stopped laughing together early in their marriage. Which eventually, became a struggle for her. Decisions my father made with other women were some of the hardest moments that tested their marriage, and ultimately, shifted her feelings for him. Nothing else he did or said could pull her love back to him.
DBM: When you say ‘the three of us’, you mean your siblings?
Theodore: Yes
DBM: Okay! Did she put a date to the ‘early’ years she stopped laughing?
Theodore: Four years into the marriage. Nothing felt right to her afterwards because all the memories that now stayed with her were the bad choices my father made to break them apart.
DBM: I do understand that part. It’s never about the material stuff or how nice you make people believe your marriage looks. The shared experiences and memories left on the hearts of our minds are what we hold on to – when all is said and done.
Theodore: Yes
DBM: Do you know why your mother stayed that long?
Theodore: Yes. She stayed for us. She was in the middle of raising young children. Her life revolved around us. But she said she never stopped counting the years to when my younger sister would turn 19.
DBM: Tell me a little about growing up under their roof.
Theodore: My mother was the present parent. My dad, not so much. Now that I’m a father myself, I understand the importance of being present in my child’s life because the years go by so fast, we don’t get the time back.
DBM: How old is your child?
Theodore: 4-year-old. I and my siblings were very vulnerable to the influence at home. We saw a lot. We heard a lot. We analyzed a lot and I don’t think my father realized we were soaking up all kinds of information we came across at home, pertaining to how he treated my mother and how that made us feel. We were like sponges. I soaked up my father’s mannerisms and some traits. My sister and brother soaked up their own habits from either my mother or father. When we came of age, our mother was the only role model at home we could look up to.
DBM: Why do you say that?
Theodore: Our mother was the one always involved in our lives. Our father compensated us with fancy gifts and outings. He woke up very early to go to work and we wouldn’t see him until later in the night. He was the busy parent. That was the picture he painted for us to see.
DBM: Did your mother work?
Theodore: My mother is a surgeon.
DBM: Ha!
Theodore: Yes
DBM: What are some of the mannerisms and traits you picked up from your dad?
Theodore: The unhealthy bits and pieces of his pattern that I witnessed for the early years of my life were manifesting in my marriage. I was staying out late, engaging in casual sex with old flames, getting home late to take my shower, and watch TV or be on my phone, hoping not to be bothered until I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how my father used to tell my sister to be quiet because he was tired and not in the mood to play with her. I catch myself repeating the same thing with my son. I was also lying to my wife a lot about my whereabouts.
DBM: How long have you been married?
Theodore: 5 years. I’m trying to break from these habits but it’s still a difficult task
DBM: You’re at liberty to choose your own path. However, you need to understand that, you signed up for this whole parenthood thing, and it involves just more than paying the bills.
Theodore: I know
DBM: Anyways, what’s life like for your sister?
Theodore: We’re all thriving in our careers. But I think my sister is always ending up having relationships with emotionally unavailable men. She’s been engaging in various behaviors I used to see my mother display at home when we were kids, to get the attention of my father. I know she has lost faith in men.
DBM: I’ve lost my chain of thought. Why did you reach out to me?
Theodore: I came across a conversation between my mother and my wife. She was advising my wife to divorce me if she’s no longer interested in the marriage. It took me by surprise because why would my own mother say that to the mother of my child?
DBM: Because you’re your father’s son. Your mother lived through all of that, and knows this about you. And wouldn’t want her daughter in love suffering in the process because of it.
Theodore: But she crossed the line, don’t you think so?
DBM: The fact that a woman makes the decision to marry you doesn’t necessarily mean she has to accept all there is to you. She’s been understanding enough. She’s been patient enough. A wife is not supposed to be the only one wanting her marriage to get better.
Theodore: I want my marriage to get better.
DBM: Then be better. I don’t think your mother crossed a line. She knows the heartache and pain in staying married to a man like you. Something you will never understand.
Theodore: I understand
DBM: If you say so. How is your father doing?
Theodore: He is fine. He married again.
DBM: Good for him. You see, life goes on, regardless
Theodore: Yes. He got married two months after their divorce finalized.
DBM: Life still goes on. Life is meant to be lived.
Theodore: Yes
Image Credit: Isabela Catao
