Let’s Talk To Rhett
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 137: Rhett representing
DBM: Hello Rhett. How would you describe yourself?
Rhett: Determined, well groomed, not proud, work-out a lot and always wanting to get better
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Rhett: 5
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Rhett: I’ve been out of work for the past two years. I’m still putting in lots of applications. I want to get married to my girlfriend this year but her dad disapproves of me because I am unemployed. My woman is the most special lady, and she completes me in every sense. She believes in me and has been patient with me. She also wants to get married but her dad isn’t being encouraging.
DBM: How long have you been dating?
Rhett: Over two years
DBM: What does she do for a living?
Rhett: She’s an Administrative Assistant
DBM: How old are you?
Rhett: 35
DBM: How old is she?
Rhett: 28
DBM: Why do you want to get married now?
Rhett: Marriage wasn’t part of my plans. I was usually with girls for the fun and short-lived affairs. I was dating and sleeping around a lot because I am my own exit strategy, but my woman changed all that when I fell in love with her. I want to settle down and experience what love feels like
DBM: Why were you sleeping around?
Rhett: Dave, men aren’t valued the same on the sexual marketplace. I wasn’t stable because I needed to know the different feedbacks from the ladies
DBM: You want to marry because you’re in love; is that what you’re saying?
Rhett: Precisely
DBM: That is the only reason?
Rhett: Well, loneliness sucks. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My cousin, at the age of 59 was single and had no children. When he fell critically ill, he had no one by his side. He died a lonely death. I don’t want that for me
DBM: What you shouldn’t want for you is settling down in marriage because you’re tired of being alone.
Rhett: I’m only keeping it real here
DBM: Are you a happy man when you’re on your own?
Rhett: Nah, that’s why I want to do the right thing by getting married to the one woman who makes me very happy
DBM: Do you make your woman happy?
Rhett: I do
DBM: How do you do that?
Rhett: We have a lot of fun together. We also talk a lot too
DBM: Do you see yourself being happy without your woman?
Rhett: No
DBM: So, your happiness right now is determined by your relationship with your lady, and not because you know and value own yourself?
Rhett: She brings the best in me
DBM: Okay!
Rhett: I was happy when I was wild those years, but I am my happiest right this moment because I’m loved
DBM: Let’s fast forward to you getting married while being unemployed, how do you intend contributing to running your household?
Rhett: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I fear dragging her down into the financial quagmire that I may encounter if I don’t get myself a job.
DBM: A friend’s wife left him for another man because he couldn’t pull his weight financially at home. And, my friend wasn’t even unemployed, he had a job; he just wasn’t earning much
Rhett: My woman is not earning that much
DBM: And most women wouldn’t be that comfortable with their men living off their paycheck for the long term.
Rhett: I want to marry her because she’s nine weeks pregnant
DBM: I wish in your responses, you had rather said, you’d want to marry her because you love who she is as a person. And that, she makes you laugh a lot and also, shares in your interests, etc.
Rhett: Yeah, and all that
DBM: I’m concerned. You don’t have a steady job, there is a baby on the way and you want to get married… Love does not pay the bills
Rhett: You sound like my father-in-law
DBM: You don’t have a father-in-law, you have a girlfriend’s father
Rhett: Still close
DBM: Smh!
Rhett: But it can be depressing
DBM: I can only imagine
Rhett: She’s been patient and my support every step of the way.
DBM: I pray you find a job sooner than later, because it can be exhausting for the women. Especially now that there is a child on the way, I hope situations doesn’t end up forcing her to become the involuntary breadwinner, struggling so hard to care for everyone and everything else in your household with one lone paycheck.
Rhett: Men do it all the time, and are expected to be strong and not complain nor cry. We are expected to ‘shush’ and forever be in control. A woman can also choose to be her man’s savior when he needs her to be.
DBM: I concur, and some ladies are doing just that
Rhett: Yeah! I’m only worried about her father’s negative influence on her after finding out about my employment status
DBM: Does he know his daughter is expecting a baby?
Rhett: We were to inform them the day we visited but the man turned the entire conversation to unemployment. He ruined everything for me
DBM: Do you know why I kept asking if you were happy with yourself?
Rhett: Why?
DBM: Because if you genuinely were, a conversation around unemployment wouldn’t have negatively affected you that way.
Rhett: That’s because you’re not in my shoes
DBM: Can I try to put myself in your shoes and address you the way I would have me?
Rhett: You can try but it wouldn’t mean anything though
DBM: As a man, I can confidently say I am very happy with who I am now. I love my girlfriend; I love the fact that we have a baby on the way. I am excited about getting married to the woman who makes me so happy. I love my future in-laws, even though my father-in-law, on some level is fucked up. I may be unemployed now, but the celebration of my current state is part of my reality, my truth. I might be in denial to some people, but I have chosen to be a happy man, thus, celebrating how far I have come – even if my in-laws disapprove of me, and I keep being rejected, interview after job interview, and I’m furious most of the time because I feel stagnant. This is me, all this… all that.
Rhett: Hmmm! I like that.
DBM: I understand it’s not easy, trust me. That is why I don’t live up to all those sharp and exaggerated concepts of masculinity encouraged on social media and by some men.
Rhett: Yeah!
DBM: Participant 136, Mamle, left a question for you: ‘How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?’
Rhett: Planning ahead gives me the basic outline for my day. I’m able to make good use of my time of day, and that adds value to my life.
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Rhett: Does everything in your life happen for a reason or you just find reasons after these things have happened?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko
