Tag: Pregnancy

My Father’s Son

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Maryam: I fell in love and got pregnant for a man who we later found out is my father.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Oh!

Maryam: Yes

DBM: How are you doing?

Maryam: I’m fine today

DBM: How old are you?

Maryam: 27

DBM: You grew up not knowing who your father was?

Maryam: My mother was 18 years old when she got pregnant with me. She was involved with my father for a month and she never got to see him again.

DBM: How so?

Maryam: She couldn’t really explain the full story. They were meeting to hook up for that month in a guest house. She didn’t know where he lived or worked. All she knew was his first name and what he looked like.

DBM: Did he know about the pregnancy?

Maryam: No

DBM: What was his reason for disappearing on your mom?

Maryam: He had been transferred to the North, and was in the process of packing out when he met my mother. He remembers casually meeting with several women to have fun with and wasn’t particularly thinking any of them could get pregnant.

DBM; So, it wasn’t an exclusive something with your mother?

Maryam: Not according to him.

DBM: But he knew your mother’s name, no?

Maryam: Vaguely, but he remembered her face when he saw a picture of her.

DBM: Ha!

Maryam: I gave birth to my own brother.

DBM: You carried the pregnancy to term?

Maryam: I was in my 32 – 33ish weeks’ gestation. It couldn’t have been aborted

DBM: I see. How did you meet?

Maryam: In traffic. He gave me a lift home after work, and he pursued me afterwards.

DBM: You’re single?

Maryam: Yes

DBM: I’m guessing he’s a single man too, no?

Maryam: He’s married

DBM: You knew of his marital status before or after your first intimate encounter?

Maryam: After

DBM: I see. And, how long have you two been an item?

Maryam: We met on February 11th, 2025

DBM: How long has he been married to his wife?

Maryam: 12 years

DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?

Maryam: I’m not sure Dave. I feel hurt and heartbroken. It’s disappointing and devastating to say the least.

DBM: Do you love him?

Maryam: I am in love with him. He’s the gentlest, most emotionally available, kind hearted man I have ever met in my life.

DBM: Does he love you?

Maryam: I don’t know, but I knew I was falling in love with him when I realized how often he would call me every evening, wanting to share details about his day with me, and wanting to know about mine.

DBM: How did you find out he was your dad?

Maryam: I visited my mother to inform her about my pregnancy. She wanted to know about the father of the child. I showed her pictures of him.

DBM: How old is your dad?

Maryam: In his late 40’s

DBM: How does he feel about everything happening?

Maryam: We’re still trying to figure out whatever this situation is

DBM: How is your mother processing everything that has happened?

Maryam: She’s trying not to venture into the land of self-pity

DBM: Are you still being intimate with this guy?

Maryam: No, but he visits me at home every day. He’s taken over the full responsibility as a father should, to his son.

DBM: What is your mother’s relationship with him now like?

Maryam: She has no relationship with him. They’ve talked only once, after introducing them.

DBM: Is your mother married?

Maryam: Yes.

Image Credit: William Fortunato

Passion Dance

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ava: Can we chat?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Sure

Ava: I’m dating a guy who is getting a divorce. We co-own a house and three different plots of land. My name is on all the deeds of the properties because he doesn’t want to give his ex-wife access to them.

DBM: He is married.

Ava: No, he’s in the process of divorcing. They’ve been separated for two years

DBM: He’s still married. Has he showed you a signed divorce decree from a judge?

Ava: No.

DBM: Okay! He’s legally married.

Ava: His wife sent a text message to members of my church and everybody at my workplace, telling them I’m sleeping with her husband.

DBM: Are you sleeping with her husband?

Ava: Dave, my relationship with her ex-husband has nothing to do with her.

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Ava: Two years. Almost three years

DBM: How did she know where you work and church?

Ava: I don’t know but I received phone calls from 45 of my church members and 17 of my colleagues from work about her text messages. She has really embarrassed me.

DBM: I’m sorry about that. What is her husband saying about what she did to you?

Ava: He’s handling it

DBM: How?

Ava: I don’t know, but he’s handling it.

DBM: Okay! You know it’s never too late to be a better version of the woman you want to be? A man jumps into a new relationship with you while still tied to his wife, and it’s not a bother to you?

Ava: What do you mean by that? I’m my best self

DBM: Okay! Are you happy in the relationship?

Ava: Very happy, Dave. He treats me well

DBM: Does he treat his wife well?

Ava: How does that concern me? Anytime he looks at his wife, though he cares about her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, excitement and love he once did.

DBM: She’s a woman he’s very familiar with and has known longer than you. He even married her. If he’s not treating her right, then his character will sooner than later catch up with you too. Does that not ever cross your mind?

Ava: We are two different people, Dave. His relationship with her has got nothing on what we have. Secondly, he says anytime he expresses how he feels about their marriage to her, he now has to deal with how she feels about his feelings as well. That’s why he deals with his thoughts on his own.

DBM: Betrayal often repeats itself

Ava: I love him. He is in love with me too

DBM: Love doesn’t change men like these overnight. Your love will never be enough to keep him faithful.

Ava: I am pregnant and he’s asking me to get rid of it.

DBM: Why?

Ava: He’s done with parenting.

DBM: How old is he?

Ava: 50

DBM: How old are his children?

Ava: His last born is 16 years old

DBM: How old are you?

Ava: 34. I want to keep the pregnancy

DBM: You want to have a child for a man who is trying anything to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?

Ava: No one is perfect, Dave. We all have our weaknesses.

DBM: You’re not responsible for someone else’s weakness. You’re responsible for your own.

Ava: His mother wants me to keep the pregnancy

DBM: How did she know about you?

Ava: She knows about me. She approves of our relationship.

DBM: I see!

Ava: I’m worried that he may want to end things with me if he finds out about my decision.

DBM: Be worried about the lies he will be telling you that will keep getting bigger and bigger, because it’s hard for men like him to stop. It’s automatic

Ava: You’re not helping, Dave.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Ain’t No Cure For Love

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Comey: Hi senior. Are you a counselor?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No sir.

Comey: You’re not a professional therapist?

DBM: I am not.

Comey: What are you into?

DBM: Communications

Comey: That’s your professional background?

DBM: Yes please

Comey: Why do you do these things on FB?

DBM: Which things?

Comey: Counseling, music, preaching

DBM: I don’t counsel. I don’t preach. I just chat with people who are comfortable opening up to me. I like listening to people when I have the time. I can sometimes be good at expanding perspectives, and if in the right mood, offer feedback on how I would deal with a difficult situation.

Comey: Are you a musician?

DBM: I’m a songwriter who just happens to love to sing.

Comey: You don’t sing professionally?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why do you shoot music videos and record songs? You spend money on all that, don’t you?

DBM: I do. I love to document all my works, thus my reason for recording and registering them. Someday, if I’m to leave this earth, I’d want to confidently leave knowing I put out all the talents and giftings deposited in me by GOD.

Comey: Do you have a performing rights organization representing the songs you write?

DBM: Yes. Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI Music)

Comey: Can I ask another personal question?

DBM: It depends on the type of question

Comey: How much do you spend on recording music and shooting videos?

DBM: I’ve spent over ten thousand dollars.

Comey: Do you make money from music?

DBM: No!

Comey: Have you considered pursuing counselling professionally?

DBM: No!

Comey: Why not?

DBM: I tend to be very emotional and biased.

Comey: But you actively know how to listen

DBM: When I am in the right mood to want to, yes.

Comey: Is that not the minimum basic skill for counseling?

DBM: Yeah, but it’s not my life’s mandate, unfortunately.

Comey: Do you follow up on your clients?

DBM: No.

Comey: Why don’t you?

DBM: Because they are not ‘clients’ and I don’t want to be invested.

Comey: So, it ends after the chat?

DBM: Yes. I have to gauge my own energy and desire.

Comey: I need someone who will check up on me after sharing my problems with them.

DBM: I can recommend a professional therapist. He charges per the hour. He is very experienced and passionate, and has made huge contributions to the field.

Comey: How much does he charge?

DBM: $150/hr

Comey: Ghanaian?

DBM: No! He’s American. I know him personally. He does remote sessions with some of his clients too. Let me know if you’re interested.

Comey: Ok. Can I share my issue with you so I know what you make of it?

DBM: I’m all ears.

Comey: I think I’ve found my soulmate. I knew from the first day we agreed to be friends and I’ve loved her every moment. I broke things off with her at a point, and moved on with my life. She married a different man three years ago. We met at a function in 2022, and she told me she had been trying to find me. I had been trying to find out what she had been up to through mutual friends over the years too. When we met at the function, she told me she’s only been in love with me. Dave, she’s the only woman I have been in love with. I found out in 2022 that she was pregnant with her husband’s child but didn’t want to keep it. She wanted us to try rekindling our relationship to see if we still had a chance.

DBM: She was married in 2022, no?

Comey: Yes, and under 11 weeks pregnant when we had this conversation at the private function.

DBM: Okay!

Comey: She wanted an abortion, and asked me to find her a trusted doctor. I knew of a doctor who assessed her pregnancy and told us she was suitable to have a medical abortion at home. To clear things up, it wasn’t my suggestion to get rid of the pregnancy. She did not want to continue with the pregnancy nor keep her husband’s baby, and she confirmed to the doctor that her decision was her preferred option.

DBM: Her husband had no say in this?

Comey: The doctor said it was her choice and her right to do so

DBM: Did her husband know about the pregnancy?

Comey: He did.

DBM: I see

Comey: The doctor prepared a treatment pack for her, which included medicines she’d need for the abortion treatment, and some pain killers and other tablets. I collected the pack from the clinic and delivered it to her at work. I did not hear from her for two weeks. The day she called, she had gone to see the doctor to do a scan and the result was negative.

DBM: How did you feel after hearing from her?

Comey: Relief, sadness, a bit of joy, all combined.

DBM: Was that her first pregnancy?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Is she divorced now?

Comey: Not yet.

DBM: What is the current status of your relationship?

Comey: My relationship with her?

DBM: Yes

Comey: We’re still in touch and in love.

DBM: Why is she still married?

Comey: We were in the planning process to figure out the best way to break the news to her husband.

DBM: And?

Comey: She got pregnant again.

DBM: With her husband’s child?

Comey: We don’t know

DBM: You were sleeping with her?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Unprotected?

Comey: Yes

DBM: Are you sleeping with any other women?

Comey: One or two, but with protection. She’s the only one I do raw with.

DBM: What do you feel for the one or two you fuck with?

Comey: It’s just sex, nothing important.

DBM: Is she keeping this pregnancy?

Comey: We are. She believes it could be mine

DBM: It could as well be for the husband, no?

Comey: Yes

DBM: So, what’s the end game here?

Comey: She still doesn’t know how to ask her husband for a divorce.

DBM: You are the ‘how’ to her puzzle. What’s so difficult about being honest with her husband? She has no reason to sugarcoat or beautify a lie. You two managed to abort his first attempt to fatherhood. It’s only fair to dish him the remaining painful truth than to be lying and unintentionally giving him false hope.

Comey: She wants me to join her at home so we can both break the news to him.

DBM: How old are you?

Comey: 38

DBM: How old is she?

Comey: Also, in her 30’s

DBM: What are you going to do?

Comey: I would have joined her at home to do this but she said her husband know of my name.

DBM: How so?

Comey: She’s accidentally moaned and cried out my name three different times while having sex with her husband. Because we cannot predict the outcome of things, we are both not sure if it’s the right move.

DBM: Do you truly love this young lady?

Comey: My love for her grows over time. We have shared quality moments and memories that I cannot let go. She has my support.

DBM: Why did you break things off with her many years ago?

Comey: I saw a message on her phone from a guy who was supposedly her friend, but was making a move on her. She did not tell him to stop and was rather enjoying the attention he was giving her.

DBM: Was she the only woman you were intimate with during that dating phase?

Comey: No. But she was the only girl I was in love with and wanted to marry. For the others, it was just sex.

DBM: What does ‘just sex’ mean?

Comey: It’s like candy, sweet. I share it happily with a selected few without expectation of catching any feelings in return. But when it comes to my woman, I give her a special piece of the candy because it makes me happy to see her excited about it.

DBM: Can you picture a future without her in it?

Comey: I cannot, Dave. I am interested in everything she cares about. Can’t say I’ve ever wanted to assist anyone in getting an abortion, but here we are. It’s easy for me to find a woman to fulfill my sexual needs and there’s rarely a connection beyond the moment. What I have built with my woman has always had the potential to develop into marriage. And I’m willing to marry her any day after her divorce.

Image Credit: Nataliya Vaitkevich

Let’s Talk To Atɛ and Aku

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 169a:  I’m doing this with my wife. My name is Atɛ

Participant 169b: Aku

DBM: Hello Atɛ and Aku. How would you describe yourselves?

Atɛ: I am the custodian of a valuable gift called Aku. I cherish my gift, and I am willing to suffer well with her. I am a father of three, an engineer by profession and very friendly.

Aku: Entrepreneur, mother and wife

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Atɛ: 8/10

Aku: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Atɛ: Sweetie, would you want to speak first?

Aku: It has taken me 17 years to finally realize I was raped by one of my husband’s best friends. He was also one of his groom’s men at our wedding. I thought he looked familiar when he showed up at our wedding rehearsal. I couldn’t sleep that Friday evening because I felt I knew him from somewhere, and needed to remember exactly where. I asked my husband for his full name, searched for him on Facebook and LinkedIn, before putting two-and-two together. In one of his old photographs on Facebook, he had his afro hair. The guy who forced himself on me in the university had an afro, and it was him.

DBM: How did it happen?

Aku: It was my first year at school. I was out partying with friends. He approached to talk to me, and then later ordered us a drink. We left the party grounds early because he wanted to spend more time talking and knowing me. We got to his hostel; he offered me another drink – which I believe was drugged. I woke up naked at dawn, lying next to his naked body. I didn’t consent to sex.

DBM: Had you had too much alcohol to drink?

Aku: No. The drink was spiked

DBM: What did you do next, after realizing what might have happened?

Aku: I got dressed and left to my hostel. I was very ashamed, I decided it was something to be kept a secret. But I later found out I was pregnant.

DBM: Was he the only guy you had been with during that time frame?

Aku: I hadn’t had sex with a guy prior to that night. I have a 16, almost 17-year-old son.

DBM: Does your son know who his father is?

Aku: No!

Atɛ: He knows me to be his father

DBM: Since when?

Atɛ: Since meeting my wife

DBM: How long have you two been together?

Atɛ: 8 years

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your friend

Atɛ: We go way back

DBM: How far back?

Atɛ: Childhood buddies

DBM: What is his character like?

Atɛ: He’s chill; passive-aggressive behavior sometimes. He used to drink a lot, but not anymore. He’s also married.

DBM: I see. May I know why you agreed for us to talk?

Atɛ: My wife wants me to end my friendship with him

DBM: Did you know about your wife’s ordeal?

Atɛ: She told me about it

DBM: When?

Atɛ: A few months into the relationship, when she had to tell me about his son

DBM: And, you knew it was your friend?

Atɛ: No! She put a name to his face on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent our entire honeymoon discussing him.

DBM: What did you agree on?

Atɛ: I suggested we didn’t tell him about his son, since he didn’t even recognize my wife. Also, I didn’t want him meddling in our lives.

Aku: But you’re still hanging and drinking out with him. I’ve told you I’m very uncomfortable with your closeness

Atɛ: He is my friend, Sweetie

Aku: Your friend who raped me

DBM: How do you feel about what he allegedly did to your wife?

Atɛ: It was wrong. But then again, he was young, and stupid; I can’t fault him for being under the influence. He was drinking and probably doing drugs at that age. But he is a nice guy

Aku: He is not

Atɛ: You don’t even know him like that

Aku: Before dropping out of Uni to carry the pregnancy to term, I told one of my closest friends what had happened. She decided to test him to see if he intentionally preyed on vulnerable girls. She stalked him to a bar he was frequenting, and pretended to be near-collapsing and drunk – just to see if he would lure her into taking her home with him. He approached her, pretended to like her, bought another drink, before taking her to his hostel. According to my friend, he started to sexually assault her. That was when she dropped her act to call him out.

DBM: Atɛ, why haven’t you told him about his son?

Atɛ: I know my friend; he will never be able to forgive himself. And, it will ruin our friendship

DBM: Which is important to you, your friendship with him or your wife’s peace of mind?

Atɛ: That’s not a fair question

DBM: You seem to be doing a good job picking up his slack

Atɛ: Come on! I am not defending him. I am just saying, what is past stays in the past

Aku: Really?

DBM: What your wife is trying to say is that, the thought of you still hanging out with him makes it impossible for her to release that past – which weighs heavy on her heart and mind

Atɛ: I am not dismissing her ordeal. I just feel like we can all claim our power, and not allow what other people do or have done to control how we feel or live our lives

DBM: Some memories have triggers that are hard to forget. She got pregnant with his son. Have you considered how difficult it has been for her to always be suppressing the negative association the mere sight of her son links to him?

Atɛ: I love you Sweetie

Aku: I don’t want your love

DBM: Have you had an open, judgement-free conversation with your husband about his friend, and how their friendship makes you feel?

Aku: I have

DBM: And?

Aku: He says it cannot happen

DBM: What would be some of your realistic boundaries?

Aku: I don’t want him at our house for any reason. I don’t want him and my husband to be friends.

Atɛ: As I already promised you, I will not invite him home again. That’s the best I can do in this situation.

Aku: That is not good enough.

DBM: Do you care about your wife?

Atɛ: I do

DBM: And it doesn’t upset you that your friendship with the said person, inconveniences her?

Atɛ: It does

DBM: Can you at least find a common ground?

Atɛ: I already have; he doesn’t come to our house

DBM: That is your understanding of listening to, and validating your wife’s feelings?

Atɛ: We all have a past: some good, while others are better off forgotten. We all have done shit that we’re ashamed of, and wish we never did. Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

Aku: Dave, you’re not asking about the similar skeletons my husband may have also left in his closet

Atɛ: I have nothing to hide, Sweetie

Aku: Were you taking advantage of vulnerable girls?

Atɛ: I have never done any such thing

Aku: Then, why are you defending your friend?

DBM: His best friend doesn’t necessarily have to be your friend too. You know that, no?

Aku: But here is the case I cannot stand his friend, and the thought of them drinking and laughing together is what is creating tension now in our marriage?

DBM: Are there any unhealthy behaviors that you feel you’re beginning to accept as part of your friendship with him?

Atɛ: No!

Aku: Yes, I can name a few

DBM: Let’s hear it

Aku: He drinks a lot on weekends and some evenings during the weekday with them; he’s been taking advantage of his kindness; they have affairs with other girls outside their marriages; my husband now knows how to lie a lot to me, and his friend is not that loyal to him as he is to him.

Atɛ: Not true

DBM: Which of her observations aren’t accurate, in your opinion?

Atɛ: He’s not taking advantage of my kindness. We’re not excessive alcoholics. We drink considerably. And, he’s loyal. I can trust him

DBM: I’m curious though: how does your friendship with him fit into your life?

Atɛ: He’s like a safe space in my life to process certain feelings I cannot share with my wife. We also talk about other important things

DBM: Is your wife your friend?

Atɛ: Sweetie is my friend

Aku: Am I your best friend?

Atɛ: I have a best friend, and so do you

DBM: Are you able to make time to have fun together as a couple?

Atɛ: Sometimes

DBM: And, you communicate openly on the daily?

Atɛ: Yes

Aku: No!

DBM: Do you want what’s best for each other?

Atɛ: I do

Aku: Yes

DBM: Are you in agreement with your partner having all kinds of friends?

Atɛ: Yes. I have never asked her not to be friends with someone she likes

DBM: Some quality-outside-friendships can bring joy to people and even, contribute positively to their marriages. Hopefully, yours is doing same?

Atɛ: That’s my brother from another mother. That’s all I can say

DBM: Tell me a little bit about your son

Aku: Nenusem is a sweet, loving and gentle teenager. He’s still excited about holding my hand, hugging me, and will take any opportunity to tell me how much he loves me.

Atɛ: He does the same with me. He’s growing his own afro hair too.

DBM: Do you ever intend telling his biological father about his son?

Aku: Never

Atɛ: No. It’s not that a big deal

DBM: You’re choosing not to make a big enough deal out of it, but it really is a big deal. The fact is, you share a child and he doesn’t know that yet

Aku: And he will never know.

DBM: Participant 168, Susan, left a question for you: ‘If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?’

Aku: I wouldn’t mind marrying a different man

Atɛ: What do you mean?

Aku: That is just my answer to Susan’s question

DBM: Susan’s question also asked ‘why’

Aku: I am very protective of the men I love, and they should be pretty much protective of me too. In the sense that, we both would be concerned with, and for each other’s emotional, spiritual and physical safety and overall wellbeing.

Atɛ: I have not been that for you?

Aku: That is a question only you can answer with your drinking buddy.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Atɛ: What does friendship mean to you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Lara Jameson

Let’s Talk To JJAS

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 159: June-July-August-September

DBM: Hello JJAS. How would you describe yourself?

JJAS: Not sure how

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

JJAS: Four

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

JJAS: I want to confess an affair I’m involved in to my wife. I am not sure whether or not I’d be making the right decision by volunteering this information.

DBM: Why the sudden need to tell her?

JJAS: I have a child on the way

DBM: With the other woman?

JJAS: Yes. And a child is not a secret I want to hide

DBM: Are you certain you’re prepared to share more information about your affair than you’d really want to?

JJAS: I don’t know, Dave

DBM: What do you know then?

JJAS: Do you think I should tell her what is happening?

DBM: What is happening?

JJAS: Oh, bro! But I just told you?

DBM: Which questions would be overly personal in your opinion, should she want to know details?

JJAS: I am not sure

DBM: Do you know what could make me confess an affair, assuming I’m involved in one?

JJAS: What?

DBM: If I respect my partner enough to want to tell the truth

JJAS: I respect my wife

DBM: Then she deserves the whole truth. You don’t have to hide anything from her.

JJAS: I need a favor

DBM: I’m all ears

JJAS: Can you act as my wife and ask me potential questions you would have asked?

DBM: I’ve been cheated on before, so I know the questions I asked my ex

JJAS: Can you role-play with me?

DBM: What, in your opinion, gave you permission to cheat on me?

JJAS: I felt neglected by you

DBM: Neglected in what sense?

JJAS: You take me for granted. You take our marriage for granted

DBM: Is the affair over?

JJAS: I don’t know

DBM: This should be a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ question

JJAS: Not really

DBM: Meaning, no?

JJAS: The affair is not over

DBM: Will it ever be over between you two?

JJAS: Maybe

DBM: Depending on what?

JJAS: I don’t know, man. Can you go to the next question? I don’t think my wife will ask these ones

DBM: Because you don’t think she’s got the smart?

JJAS: That’s not what I mean

DBM: How do you feel about what you’re doing outside of our marriage?

JJAS: I feel terrible

DBM: Do you even feel guilt?

JJAS: I do. I’m very sorry

DBM: Is this the first time you’re cheating on me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Is this the truth?

JJAS: Dave, it’s not the truth, but I can’t tell her that

DBM: Why not?

JJAS: It’s gonna make things worse, and I don’t want that

DBM: Well, in this role-play, I am acting as your wife, and I deserve to know the entire story

JJAS: This is not the first time I am cheating on you

DBM: When was the first?

JJAS: While we were dating

DBM: How many times have you been with other women while dating and married to me?

JJAS: 4 to 5 times

DBM: Which is which?

JJAS: Five times, bro

DBM: How many prior to marriage?

JJAS: Just 2

DBM: So, you’ve been with three other women since we married?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Are you a serial cheater?

JJAS: I am not

DBM: How would you define a serial cheater?

JJAS: Serial cheaters are womanizers. I am not a womanizer

DBM: What are you?

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Do you know why I am asking this particular question?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: Why?

JJAS: You want to know if you can trust me

DBM: No! I’m asking to figure out whether or not you are capable of changing your behavior.

JJAS: I can change

DBM: How?

JJAS: I know I can change

DBM: What do you really feel about me?

JJAS: I love you very much, and it is unfortunate that this has happened

DBM: What has happened?

JJAS: This

DBM: What is ‘this’?

JJAS: Dave

DBM: Yeah

JJAS: Next question

DBM: Did you think about me while engaging in all ‘this’?

JJAS: Not really

DBM: On a scale of 1 to 10, how emotionally invested are you into me and our marriage?

JJAS: 10

DBM: It cannot be 10, if you’re having an affair elsewhere

JJAS: Nine?

DBM: Smh!

JJAS: Hmmm!

DBM: Does she know you’re married?

JJAS: She does

DBM: Does she know about me?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: What have you told her about us?

JJAS: She understands that I love my wife and children, and will never leave nor forsake them. She also knows I will not marry any other woman in addition to my wife

DBM: How does she feel about being the other woman?

JJAS: She knows her place and what not to expect from me

DBM: What’s her place?

JJAS: She cannot come between me and you

DBM: She’s already in there, somewhere. Why is she in a relationship with a married man?

JJAS: I can’t answer that question for her

DBM: How does she feel about you?

JJAS: She loves me

DBM: As in, in love?

JJAS: Yes

DBM: For how long has this been going on between you two?

JJAS: Almost three years

DBM: Are you emotionally invested in that relationship?

JJAS: You want the truth?

DBM: Yes please

JJAS: It’s a beautiful relationship that I would love for it to continue for the long haul

DBM: Why?

JJAS: It’s different from what we have

DBM: How different?

JJAS: I don’t think I can explain it like that

DBM: What is she offering you that I am not bringing to the table?

JJAS: She’s always available to me. You have a lot going on with you all the time

DBM: A lot going on with me in what sense?

JJAS: Work, motherhood, complacency, etc. You’re always stressed or tired, etc.

DBM: That is the wrong I did to warrant an affair?

JJAS: That’s not what I am saying

DBM: Does she work?

JJAS: Yes, but she is always making time for me

DBM: I used to make time for you, no?

JJAS: Yes, when we used to date. Now, you’ve changed

DBM: So, that is what she’s doing better than me?

JJAS: Something like that

DBM: How many kids do you have with your wife?

JJAS: 2

DBM: Is this other lady also a mother of two?

JJAS: No

DBM: Has she a child?

JJAS: She’s pregnant

DBM: Are you responsible for the pregnancy?

JJAS: I am

DBM: How easy was it for you to be lying to me?

JJAS: It hasn’t been easy, Dave. It’s a constant battle to tell or not to tell

DBM: Are you in love with her

JJAS: I am

DBM: You see a future with her?

JJAS: I already have a future

DBM: With whom?

JJAS: You

DBM: And, what does it look like?

JJAS: It could be better

DBM: I see

JJAS: What do you see?

DBM: An end to our marriage

JJAS: My wife will not say that

DBM: How do you know?

JJAS: I know her. She believes in marriage and hates raising children outside of marriage.

DBM: Okay!

JJAS: Are you done with the questions?

DBM: I am

JJAS: What would you have done in her shoes?

DBM: I already answered that question

JJAS: When?

DBM: Before you assured me your wife wouldn’t see what I could see

JJAS: An end?

DBM: The END

JJAS: You cannot forgive a mistake? Should every little thing end in divorce?

DBM: Forgiveness is something that only takes place between me and GOD

JJAS: Explain

DBM: When someone I trust, intentionally hurts my feelings, I go to GOD on my knees and work out the forgiveness bit of it. I do not come to you to discuss forgiveness because I want to let you off the hook. I choose to forgive, not because I want to set you free. Only GOD can save you from your deeds.

JJAS: You will not forgive me?

DBM: I choose to forgive simply because GOD wants to set me free

JJAS: Hmmm

DBM: Participant 157, Kerry, left a question for you: ‘If you had Ghs 155,000 in your account, and your husband or wife stole Ghs 15,000 from you, would you be upset and throw all the remaining Ghs 140,000 away in hopes of getting back at your husband or wife? Or move on and live?’

JJAS: I will keep the 140k. It’s better to hold on to something than nothing at all. 15k can be re-made in a couple of years to come.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

JJAS: What can you do to help my wife heal from this confession?

DBM: Thank You!

Image Credit: Afeez Ajibola Yusuf

Let’s Talk To Boris

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 86: Boris

DBM: Hello Boris. How would you describe yourself?

Boris: My woman’s man

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boris: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boris: I believe in premarital sex; my wife doesn’t due to her Christian convictions. I am a Christian too, and I believe having sex before marriage is one of the best ways to do romantic relationships. We had sex and fortunately for us, got pregnant before our wedding day. We got married not long ago, and I think what the reverend minister who officiated our wedding did, has austerely affected my relationship with my wife.

DBM: Are you interested in anything else your wife offers beyond the bedroom?

Boris: There is more to her than the sex. I invest in her, I prioritize her and make decisions that validate my affection and desire for her.

DBM: What did the minister do?

Boris: He asked my wife before the exchange of vows, whether or not she’s pregnant with my baby.

DBM: Asked in which manner, openly or privately?

Boris: He did not speak into the microphone but he asked in the presence of her Lady of Honor, my best man and the MC.

DBM: In the presence of your invited witnesses?

Boris: Yes, during the ceremony

DBM: Why did he feel the need to ask?

Boris: He felt we tricked him

DBM: Tricked him how?

Boris: Well, her resident pastor requested to meet with us a couple of times leading up the wedding. They asked if we had been sexually intimate, and my wife said ‘no’, which was a lie because we had found out she was seven or eight weeks pregnant as at that time.

DBM: Why did she have to lie about it?

Boris: She didn’t see the need to volunteer any of that information. Secondly, she didn’t want to disappoint her pastor because she’s been told since she was a kid, that premarital sex is a sin. I had no problem telling the truth, but she begged me not to come forward with our private activities if her church executives asked.

DBM: How did the minister find out that she was expecting?

Boris: I don’t know how, but someone clearly told him our business.

DBM: Did he officiate the wedding?

Boris: He insisted we confessed before he did. Unfortunately, while my wife was denying the pregnancy, I was saying ‘yes’ to his question at the same time.

DBM: You both were to present a united front, no?

Boris: Yes, but here is the case people had started murmuring and were wondering what could be going on with us. The pastor looked angry, and would not go ahead with the program till we told the truth.  It was even embarrassing when he kept expressing how disappointed he was in my wife. My wife practically started to weep.

DBM: This is so wrong on every level. On your wedding day?

Boris: If I am being honest here; I wish we hadn’t gone through with the wedding after that whole scene. My wife was not herself right up the questioning before the vows exchange till the ceremony was over. Our professional photos look ugly because we weren’t happy in it. That overwhelming sense of happiness that I was hoping my wife and I could experience was taken away from us.

DBM: I can only imagine

Boris: Dave, I don’t think I will ever get to that point where I can look back on my wedding day with any emotion other than regret, anger and discomfort.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate

Boris: It’s the truth

DBM: Who do you think is to blame here?

Boris: My wife blames me

DBM: Why is she blaming you?

Boris: She says I didn’t have her back when she needed me the most.

DBM: As in?

Boris: Not going along with the same script.

DBM: But you had gone along with it up till the priest had to confront you all over again at the altar, no?

Boris: She doesn’t see it that way. She feels she cannot trust me. And my wife is the type who would rather love a man she trusts. We have not had sex since our wedding incident. She cancelled our honeymoon plans and went home. It’s been two months since the wedding. Her love and excitement for me is now replaced with fear and doubt.

DBM: I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, but then again, she’s the one who put you in that uncomfortable position to save face by lying about it

Boris: I had no problem telling anyone we were having sex

DBM: Because you were having sex with her

Boris: Exactly!

DBM: I have a personal relationship with GOD, even though I am no longer a church-goer. And to the best of my knowledge, I doubt if GOD cares that much about what I do with my genitalia. I may be wrong; however, I do know that He is very much concerned about my heart, and exactly where my priorities lie.

Boris: Do you believe in sex before or after marriage?

DBM: I do not equate sexual morality to how long I wait before having sex. Don’t get me wrong; I believe in abstinence. I have two biological sisters who are still keeping themselves pure only for their future husbands, and would not have sex with any man till they are married to them. To me, it’s a beautiful and wise decision they’ve made. But sexual morality, in my opinion isn’t about purity. It is about how I treat myself and the person I am with. If I am genuinely that much into you, and I feel there is a possible future to be built with you, sex would be good for me if it’s that important a bond to increase our emotional intimacy, and also build a stronger self-image for us. And this has absolutely nothing to do with being married to you. That doesn’t make me dirty or impure. I feel that, so far as we are ready, and we both consent to it, one should not feel shame in desiring to be physically intimate with someone they love and trust.

Boris: I agree

DBM: Why do you think your wife agreed to sex before marriage, even though she would have loved to wait till after the wedding?

Boris: I think she craved for it at a point.

DBM: I am naturally not so crazy about sex, even though I love the idea of some good sex. I think I have a low sex drive and can find pleasure in deep and meaningful companionship without necessarily using sex as a key component.

Boris: What do I do about my wife?

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Boris: I have, but she’s still not having sex with me. She looks at me differently.

DBM: Do you think she will ever get over it?

Boris: No! She doesn’t think I am reliable. She doesn’t share her feelings and personal thoughts with me anymore

DBM: Well, at this point I don’t think there is much you can do. Just trust that she knows what’s in her best interest. Respect her boundaries and be considerate to her needs. Also, have faith in her, regardless of the tension between you two.

Boris: For how long? We’ve been married for more than two months and still, no show.

Image Credit: Carsten Vollrath

HIDDEN AND DENIED

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I am a 39-year-old-man with a biological clock ticking away and giving me baby fever. I have desired to be a family man for years. I was married for eight years without a child. I made a few mistakes and my wife and I went our separate ways. Before the divorce, she was also seeing someone. Five months into the divorce process, she started to show. I thought she was putting on weight but it wasn’t weight. She doesn’t wear loose-fitting clothes…. all her dresses used to hug her body. She wasn’t wearing those to court anymore. She even wore jackets to three of our hearings. Dave, my wife doesn’t do thick material. She was trying to conceal a growing bump. She finally couldn’t hide it anymore. It’s been one year since our divorce was granted. I haven’t seen the baby, but mutual friends who have seen her all tell me she has my eyes and forehead. She hasn’t shared any pictures of the child on any of her social media platforms.

Do I have the right to request for a DNA test to know if she is my baby? The other guy has named her, so she carries his surname but I want to be sure it’s really his. My ex and I don’t talk so it’s very difficult for me to navigate through this issue.

Image Credit: Jeffrey Riley

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