David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)
Participant 1: Call me Sika
DBM: Tell me anything about yourself
SIKA: I am strong in my vulnerability; very caring, compassionate and totally expressive of my feelings. I am not perfect but I try to always tell the truth. When I have, I give without expecting anything in return. I love to smile; I love to laugh; I love to love. I love God, I care about my husband and love my children. I believe I am hardworking. Mr. Dave, I am content with the woman I am becoming, but I am not content with just being content with me. I want more; to achieve way more in life than I already have.
DBM: How long have you been married?
SIKA: 12 years in August.
DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?
SIKA: The man I fell in love with was my perfect idea of a man. He did not give me any reason to want to doubt him then. He expressed interest in me and was on his best behavior anytime we were together. My perfect type of guy had to be consistent with me so I wouldn’t entertain any doubt whatsoever in my trust in him and the relationship. He gave me that when we were dating.
DBM: So, how did you two meet?
SIKA: I first noticed him in an examination Centre, pleading with one of the invigilators to allow him write. He was late and we were 15 minutes into the paper. He was almost falling apart; so nervous and nearly sobbing in front of everyone. I felt sorry for him. He managed to talk his way through the lecturer and was allowed to join us. Instead of hurrying to find his seat number, he was busily staring and winking at me. I lost focus. I scored a B in that subject. He had an A.
DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?
SIKA: I used to believe my husband was my best friend, because I thought I had seen him at his worst and still liked him. I thought those small quirks and habits I couldn’t figure out weren’t that endearing. Those times, I assumed there was absolutely nothing about him that I wanted changed. My happiness was found in just knowing that he was there for me, and was someone I could count on. He was willing to share almost everything with me; the happenings in his day, his food, conversations etc. He made me trust that he had wholeheartedly accepted me for who I am without any boundaries. And I believed him. He wasn’t chasing any other serious friendships. I was his good friend.
DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?
SIKA: It was his first time meeting my dad. He wanted to make a good first impression. I don’t know what he ate before coming to my parents’ house because he was farting nonstop. The first fart, I thought had come from my dad. He blew our noses off the roof with 8 nuclear bombs. I laughed at him so bad, he farted his best.
DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?
SIKA: The night he drove to my house to take me to the hospital. It was 2:23 am when I called him; he made the effort to make me feel like I was worth saving; that our relationship was worth fighting for by saving my life.
DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?
SIKA: Yes, Dave. My husband is an attractive man.
DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?
SIKA: He does not listen to me, and so I see no need in listening to understand anything he has to say.
DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?
SIKA: Maybe if I were enough for him, he would care more about me. As his wife, I am not happy; he does not make me happy – even though I have been doing everything to make him happy.
DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?
SIKA: I promise to love and comfort you, honor and keep you.
DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?
SIKA: We used to do everything together. Almost everything, travel, cook, watch movies, tease etc. They used to be fun times.
DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?
SIKA: Mine is not! I have grown tired of accepting the love he thinks I deserve. When I am around him, I don’t feel content; I don’t feel accepted. He makes me feel very anxious and misunderstood.
DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?
SIKA: I currently have to compete with his mobile phone to get his attention at home. I do not trust a man who has all the time for others on his phone, but cannot make time for his wife. Initially, I thought I had fallen in love with my husband because I trusted him; I thought I loved him because of who he is, not how he made me feel. I do not trust him because of how he makes me feel now.
DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?
SIKA: I used to give my time to him. He does not cherish it so I channel the attention to our children. They need it most.
DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?
SIKA: No!
DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?
SIKA: No! I am not in a good marriage. I don’t feel secure enough to want to be vulnerable around him. I am not growing; I am not maturing. My husband’s attitude and behaviors towards me does not in any way warrant for emotional connection on both our parts. There is no mutual respect between us anymore.
DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?
SIKA: Probably in different relationships with different people.
DBM: What is your ideal sex life?
SIKA: When a man takes his time to allow us to experience physical and emotional pleasure together, with or without orgasm, Dave, I will be cool! When a man checks in during sex to know whether or not I am feeling good, and tells me what is making him also feel good, I will be pleased. I don’t ask for much!
DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)
SIKA: 3 out of 10.
DBM: What is your understanding of love?
SIKA: Love is when someone adds value to make my life better. A better me makes for a better marriage. Love will not bring out the very worst in me. I am seeing the worst in my husband; maybe I just don’t love him that much after all.
DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?
SIKA: I feel like our relationship is not his priority at the moment. If he loved me, I wouldn’t be feeling like other people in his life are more important than me. He is constantly putting other people ahead of me.
DBM: Are you a good spouse?
SIKA: I try to be.
DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?
SIKA: Never! I promised him I would forsake all others and be his alone, as long as we remain married.
DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart.
SIKA: IK, you have become my biggest hinderance in life. You slurp the very life out of me while I do so much to support you. You have put me down over and over with your words and attitude towards me. I had different goals and dreams I wanted to reach in life; you’ve made me feel like I can’t accomplish anything. You used to be a wonderful guy; you used to be kind to me. I really wanted to believe you were the right man for me, but after 12 years of being your wife, I know for sure that just loving you isn’t enough.
Today is another opportunity for me to choose me. I am choosing my own happiness. I want to love myself more. Your love does not choose me, and just because I am your wife doesn’t mean you should be happy with me. Be happy with what makes you happy. I will be fine.
Image Credit: Arturo Añez
