Tag: Religious differences

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 114: Lizy

DBM: Hello Lizy. How would you describe yourself?

Lizy: I like to think of myself as an emotionally strong and independent person. My friends and family tell me I’m smart and kind. Nothing comes between me and a goal I set for myself. If I want something, I go for it. I do my best to be self-reliable. Hence, it’s difficult for me to ask for help from anyone. When I love, I go all in, which sometimes blinds my rationality, but hey, we are all human, and we are bound to make mistakes.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Lizy: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Lizy: My fiancé and I are preparing to get married. However, we are at a road block. His religious doctrines do not align with mine. He’s neither ready to compromise or find a middle ground. He wants me to join him in his church or, better still, continue going to my church. I’ve visited his church a couple of times, and I know within me that that’s not the lifestyle I want for myself. I would want us to have unity of purpose in all aspects of our lives. I’m ready to let him go, but he will have none of it. I feel I’m wasting my time with him but he thinks otherwise. I’m lost.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Lizy: Since 2015

DBM: So, basically your concerns are about the differences in religious doctrines?

Lizy: There are others but this is the straw breaking my back. He’s not kind towards me. I’ve observed that with his mother too. He’s always concerned about the future. Not that I don’t but I’m of the opinion that I must be alive first in order to enjoy the future. Because of this, he thinks I waste money, which is not the case. I work hard for my money, so the least I can do for myself is to be comfortable.

DBM: Do you see yourselves coping in a compatible way based on, maybe, similar values?

Lizy: Dave, I don’t want to cope in my marriage. At least it didn’t turn out well for my mother. Interestingly, most of his values are directly linked to the doctrines he practices in church. I see a lot of disagreements in my future marriage and I wouldn’t want to go in knowing this.

DBM: Has he the capacity to be kind to you – if you’re to predict a future with him?

Lizy: He’s more than capable of being kind to me. At first, I was demonstrating it to him, but it was not being reciprocated, so recently, I’ve stopped. We’ve discussed it. I made him aware that kindness is one of my love languages but in his defense, he claims I’m not yet his wife and so he has no responsibilities towards me. I understand that. However, knowing the person I’m dealing with, it’s not going to change in marriage. I believe that if you love someone, you show it. He’ll only do things for you out of convenience and if he has something to gain.

DBM: I see. So, this table you both find yourselves seated by, is love being served?

Lizy: From his angle, he thinks he’s loving me the best way he could. From my end, I think he’s doing the barest minimum to keep me around.

DBM: Has he the desire to give you what you need, i.e.: his consistent presence, respect, genuine concern and maybe, the foundation of something real and meaningful outside of sex?

Lizy: The truth is, we are cohabiting at the moment (I have the means to rent my own place though- currently putting plans in place to move out). The desire is not there. He thinks I’m ungrateful and don’t appreciate what he does for me. Although we are in the same space, he’s mostly unavailable to me (not physically) unless he needs my help with something.

DBM: What did you find attractive about him to want to be in a relationship with him?

Lizy: From start, his sense of self assurance and control (he seems to have it all together). After a couple of years, I fell in love and I held on to it. I held on to the hope that things will get better for us. But as we grew together, he seems to develop different priorities. My mistake was and still is hoping against all odds. I don’t know how to move on after being with someone for this long. After my high school sweetheart- childish love, he’s the only man I’ve known.

DBM: What time is it now for you? Is it the period you feel that your future happiness depends on a fresh start, or just giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Lizy: I feel I need a fresh start. Giving benefits of the doubt is what has gotten me here. But the question I keep asking is where and how am I starting?

DBM: Can you describe what a happy relationship looks like for you?

Lizy: A relationship that I’m at liberty to be my authentic self and express my exact feelings without being judged or gaslighted. One that there’s mutual respect and support for each other’s life goals. A relationship where I’m viewed as a partner and not a competition. A relationship that will challenge me to be progressively better, one that will make me wake in the morning and be thankful that someone has got my back.

DBM: In a balanced relationship, what are you not willing to compromise?

Lizy: My sanity, happiness and true self.

DBM: What is it like to be you right now?

Lizy: In an ideal situation or in reality? Because in reality, being in my shoes right now means having to bottle up a lot of your feelings because you don’t want to be told it’s all up in your head. Being me means taking care of everyone else except yourself. Being me right now means being constantly tired emotionally and physically because you are trying your best to meet the expectations of you while also finding a way to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself, which brings you meaning. Finally, being me in reality means you are at a breaking point where you feel empty because this is not the life you wish for yourself; nothing makes meaning anymore.

DBM: Hmmm! Do you believe you are each other’s soul mate?

Lizy: I don’t believe there’s something like that. I believe no one is indispensable.

DBM: Is your fiancé your biggest advocate?

Lizy: For my life decisions?

DBM: All inclusive: your general well-being, etc.

Lizy: No. After myself, my sister is my biggest advocate. Verbal advocacy, yes. Advocacy in deed, no.

DBM:  Oh wow! So, how often would you say the two of you laugh together?

Lizy: Our laughing is inconsistent. This week, we are laughing together and then next week, we are angry at each other – more of silent treatment.

DBM: Are you content with the level of intimacy that you share with him?

Lizy: Physical? Yes. Other aspects such as emotional, no.

DBM: What would be a relationship deal breaker for you, and have you ever overlooked one in your current relationship?

Lizy: Cheating. So far, we’ve not had any issues regarding it.

DBM: My last question is, do you see yourself having an affair in the future – if you’re to marry your fiancé?

Lizy: Nope. However, I will mostly be unhappy.

DBM: I get it. Hmmm! Thank you for engaging me.

Lizy: You are welcome. Thank you too for making the time.

Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio