• Home
  • Responsibility

Tag: Responsibility

Break Time

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Chloé: Dave, my husband lacks empathy for me

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Has he always been this way or he recently started acting up?

Chloé: I think he has always been like this but because I was blinded by love, I overlooked a few of his faults.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Chloé: 5 yrs

DBM: Well, at least there’s the good start: you are not the cause of his problems, and you will not become the cause of his ill behavior toward you.

Chloé: I no longer enjoy my time with him. I don’t think I find him attractive anymore.

DBM: Do you think you need space and time to think about what you want?

Chloé: Yes

DBM: So, tell him. A man already knows what he wants; so, if your husband, through his actions is making you not find joy in his presence and also, find him attractive, then it means he cares less about what you think of him and wants to put that message across.

Chloé: You are right. He comes home very late. He’s always on his phone, even in the shower. He will do everything to avoid me at home. He’s disgusted by the mere sight of me. He has complex passwords on all of his electronic devices.

DBM: Do you check his phone?

Chloé: I don’t do that

DBM: Are you bothered by his attitude?

Chloé: I used to be when I was in love with him, but I’m not sure I care about what he does anymore.

DBM: Do you know why he’s behaving this way?

Chloé: I’ve asked him but he’s denied anything being wrong.

DBM: Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Chloé: No, Dave. I don’t think I can continue staying in this marriage if things don’t change.

DBM: You think he’s having an affair?

Chloé: I always suspected an affair and had to take some extra measures to secure the evidence I needed. I arranged with a taxi driver to be following him for a month, and I got my proof. He’s sleeping with two different women.

DBM: Plus, you?

Chloé: I stopped having sex with him the day my intuition drew my attention to his secretive behavior. The proof is the evidence I believe in, not his explanations as to why.

DBM: Okay! It’s unfortunate that most men reserve the worst of their character for the women they’re supposed to love the most.

Chloé: Dave, I will be fine. I am not going to wait for him to change for my sake. I’m going to rent my own place. I am leaving the kids with him. I’ve been the one taking care of them all this while. It’s his turn to take over.

DBM: How old are your children?

Chloé: 4 and 2

DBM: Lol!

Chloé: Why are you laughing?

DBM: Nothing, really!

Chloé: You think I should take them along?

DBM: Do you want to?

Chloé: No. He is their father. He has to learn how make time for them. My youngest daughter is a daddy’s girl. She’s all about her dad. Taking her along will make things difficult for me.

DBM: How involved is he at home with the kids?

Chloé: He comes home late every day, but he leaves money for them. He pays their fees, etc.

DBM: Since he’s used to coming home late, leaving the kids behind will be a good reason for him to be present for them.

Chloé: I have a question

DBM: Okay?

Chloé: Do you think all men cheat?

DBM: Why, you have a new beau?

Chloé: No, I’m a married woman. I am asking because my husband and I have grown apart.

DBM: You have such a young marriage

Chloé: I know

DBM: When it comes to men, it’s best you have your own boundaries at large. It helps us to know that you do not tolerate certain behaviors and any form of disrespect.

Chloé: I’ve done everything every good wife would do. I was reminiscing the other day about how we used to talk for hours and laugh over everything. We used to enjoy each other’s company when we were dating. I suspected he was entertaining other women even then but I didn’t let it bother me because I felt he was a single man and didn’t owe me his loyalty. He became more withdrawn and distant after we married and had our first child. I thought the birth of our son was going to get him excited about our family.

DBM: Make him choose what he wants, because a real man wouldn’t easily give up something he values in order to keep a side piece he’s entertaining his boredom with. If he’s comfortable losing what you’ve built together as a unit, let him.

Chloé: I’m very disappointed in myself

DBM: Why?

Chloé: I feel like I’ve wasted five to six years of my life for nothing.

DBM: You cannot blame yourself for the actions of an inconsiderate man. He is the one who has been breaking your marital vows and choosing to destroy the family you’ve built together. He is still out there living his best life and having fun. Why are you being hard on yourself for someone else’s poor choices?

Chloé: I wanted this marriage to work, Dave. I did not want to raise children in a broken home.

DBM: If I go and steal waakye today from Hajia because I was feeling very hungry, it would sound somewhat okay an excuse until I discover later on that – a hungry man can have more than four other means to get waakye without necessarily stealing it. Your husband had a choice to do right by you and the marriage. Cheating, lying, disrespecting you while doing the most to make you not feel loved and wanted are all some of the available options to him. Question is, are these the only better options available to him to make his relationship with you work?

Chloé: Do you know why a man will all of a sudden, change and be slipping out of your hands?

DBM: What do you usually argue about at home?

Chloé: Everything I do irritates my husband, Dave.

DBM: He’s probably seeking or might have found something better out there. A man will be tempted to choose better over good. He’s probably figuring out ways and means to hang onto the good he’s currently married to, at home, while also trying to experience what could be better for him out there. It’s in your choice to go along with his idea of having his cake and eating it.

Chloé: I’m going to go ahead to rent the two-bedroom apartment I’ve found. David, thank you.

Image Credit: Mike Jones

Being Responsible

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

I was 23 years old and, in the university, when news got to me that both of my parents had died. The last real memory I had of them was at the morning of their funeral. Their caskets were in the center aisle. My mother looked so peaceful and rested in her casket. When I looked down at my father, his face had been positioned in an almost frown. He looked angry as always. My sister was 20 years old by then and I remember hearing her cry uncontrollably, it almost broke me to tears. I was determined not to cry and I remained strong. I had already cried enough and had no more tears left to shed.

I held myself together as the priest conducted the service till, they had been buried. My sister and I found ourselves alone for the first time after everyone had left and we were devastated. Being the oldest child, it dawned on me the challenge of being responsible for my sister’s upkeep. I hadn’t considered a day in my life where I was going to be the grown up in the room helping my younger sister through her grief, while at the same time, working through my own. I didn’t know what to do at that point. I remember closing my eyes and crying behind my confusion. Dave, it felt impossible for me to even pray because I was overwhelmed by the sorrow and despair.

I knew I and my sister desperately needed consolation from God, but we didn’t know what to say to Him. I in particular was too heartbroken to even think about the right words to pray with. What I was grateful for though, was the fact that our mother taught us early in life how to have a praying heart and soul which was turned to God. So, in a time like that, we could remember every now and then, that our actions and deeds; even in our inability to have the right words to pray, our tears and sorrows, our hurts and disappointments; our fears could all be transformed into the perfect communion and communication with God. All we had to do was cry and God understood.

The first week after their burial, I took on a responsibility, while tough, seemed the most obvious and unambiguous; I had to ensure my sister’s basic needs were tendered to. I made sure she ate, even if it meant a bite or two. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, stocked the kitchen with some of her preferred foods that required little or no preparation. I became her dad all of a sudden, doing the biggest job on my own. Taking good care of a grown woman is a responsibility that does not show up on any man’s resume. I learned to pour all the love and its emotions I never knew I could give, all the support into my sister so she could become an astounding young woman.

I feel very proud of myself right now because my sister recently got married and raised a toast in my honor. She believes I challenged her preferences in men. She used to be all about looks and charm. If a man had a handsome face, an attractive physique, made enough money and could make her laugh, she would be allured to that. But 14 years after the death of our parents, she’s come to realize that an incredibly handsome man who is irresponsible and unreliable is not an attractive man. A rich man who makes promises and plans but not follow through on them is not an attractive man. Her tribute and appreciation of me was basically to say that, I was the type of man who showed up when I said I would.

I took charge when all hope seemed lost. I did not sit back and let things happen, I made things happen for us. Aside encouraging her daily to express her true feelings and emotions, I stood by her as she began to move forward from grief to, ultimately, pursuing her dreams in life. I was driven and motivated to make sure we were one step ahead each and every day and this, according to her, inspired her to be the best version of herself. She is now married to a man who also has the ability to perceive her emotional state and respond calmly to her needs. My wife is also the type of woman who knows how to manage not just her own emotions, but can discern that of my own. Thank you, David, for this platform that is allowing some of us guys to look beyond the surface and pour our hearts out.

Image Credit: Sherman Trotz 

Let’s Talk To Rhett

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 137: Rhett representing

DBM: Hello Rhett. How would you describe yourself?

Rhett: Determined, well groomed, not proud, work-out a lot and always wanting to get better

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Rhett: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Rhett: I’ve been out of work for the past two years. I’m still putting in lots of applications. I want to get married to my girlfriend this year but her dad disapproves of me because I am unemployed. My woman is the most special lady, and she completes me in every sense. She believes in me and has been patient with me. She also wants to get married but her dad isn’t being encouraging.

DBM: How long have you been dating?

Rhett: Over two years

DBM: What does she do for a living?

Rhett: She’s an Administrative Assistant

DBM: How old are you?

Rhett: 35

DBM: How old is she?

Rhett: 28

DBM: Why do you want to get married now?

Rhett: Marriage wasn’t part of my plans. I was usually with girls for the fun and short-lived affairs. I was dating and sleeping around a lot because I am my own exit strategy, but my woman changed all that when I fell in love with her. I want to settle down and experience what love feels like

DBM: Why were you sleeping around?

Rhett: Dave, men aren’t valued the same on the sexual marketplace. I wasn’t stable because I needed to know the different feedbacks from the ladies

DBM: You want to marry because you’re in love; is that what you’re saying?

Rhett: Precisely

DBM: That is the only reason?

Rhett: Well, loneliness sucks. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. My cousin, at the age of 59 was single and had no children. When he fell critically ill, he had no one by his side. He died a lonely death. I don’t want that for me

DBM: What you shouldn’t want for you is settling down in marriage because you’re tired of being alone.

Rhett: I’m only keeping it real here

DBM: Are you a happy man when you’re on your own?

Rhett: Nah, that’s why I want to do the right thing by getting married to the one woman who makes me very happy

DBM: Do you make your woman happy?

Rhett: I do

DBM: How do you do that?

Rhett: We have a lot of fun together. We also talk a lot too

DBM: Do you see yourself being happy without your woman?

Rhett: No

DBM: So, your happiness right now is determined by your relationship with your lady, and not because you know and value own yourself?

Rhett: She brings the best in me

DBM: Okay!

Rhett: I was happy when I was wild those years, but I am my happiest right this moment because I’m loved

DBM: Let’s fast forward to you getting married while being unemployed, how do you intend contributing to running your household?

Rhett: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I fear dragging her down into the financial quagmire that I may encounter if I don’t get myself a job.

DBM: A friend’s wife left him for another man because he couldn’t pull his weight financially at home. And, my friend wasn’t even unemployed, he had a job; he just wasn’t earning much

Rhett: My woman is not earning that much

DBM: And most women wouldn’t be that comfortable with their men living off their paycheck for the long term.

Rhett: I want to marry her because she’s nine weeks pregnant

DBM: I wish in your responses, you had rather said, you’d want to marry her because you love who she is as a person. And that, she makes you laugh a lot and also, shares in your interests, etc.

Rhett: Yeah, and all that

DBM: I’m concerned. You don’t have a steady job, there is a baby on the way and you want to get married… Love does not pay the bills

Rhett: You sound like my father-in-law

DBM: You don’t have a father-in-law, you have a girlfriend’s father

Rhett: Still close

DBM: Smh!

Rhett: But it can be depressing

DBM: I can only imagine

Rhett: She’s been patient and my support every step of the way.

DBM: I pray you find a job sooner than later, because it can be exhausting for the women. Especially now that there is a child on the way, I hope situations doesn’t end up forcing her to become the involuntary breadwinner, struggling so hard to care for everyone and everything else in your household with one lone paycheck.

Rhett: Men do it all the time, and are expected to be strong and not complain nor cry. We are expected to ‘shush’ and forever be in control. A woman can also choose to be her man’s savior when he needs her to be.

DBM: I concur, and some ladies are doing just that

Rhett: Yeah! I’m only worried about her father’s negative influence on her after finding out about my employment status

DBM: Does he know his daughter is expecting a baby?

Rhett: We were to inform them the day we visited but the man turned the entire conversation to unemployment. He ruined everything for me

DBM: Do you know why I kept asking if you were happy with yourself?

Rhett: Why?

DBM: Because if you genuinely were, a conversation around unemployment wouldn’t have negatively affected you that way.

Rhett: That’s because you’re not in my shoes

DBM: Can I try to put myself in your shoes and address you the way I would have me?

Rhett: You can try but it wouldn’t mean anything though

DBM: As a man, I can confidently say I am very happy with who I am now. I love my girlfriend; I love the fact that we have a baby on the way. I am excited about getting married to the woman who makes me so happy. I love my future in-laws, even though my father-in-law, on some level is fucked up. I may be unemployed now, but the celebration of my current state is part of my reality, my truth. I might be in denial to some people, but I have chosen to be a happy man, thus, celebrating how far I have come – even if my in-laws disapprove of me, and I keep being rejected, interview after job interview, and I’m furious most of the time because I feel stagnant. This is me, all this… all that.

Rhett: Hmmm! I like that.

DBM: I understand it’s not easy, trust me. That is why I don’t live up to all those sharp and exaggerated concepts of masculinity encouraged on social media and by some men.

Rhett: Yeah!

DBM: Participant 136, Mamle, left a question for you: ‘How do you live your life on a daily basis: Do you prefer planning every detail in advance or you’re the spontaneous type?’

Rhett: Planning ahead gives me the basic outline for my day. I’m able to make good use of my time of day, and that adds value to my life.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Rhett: Does everything in your life happen for a reason or you just find reasons after these things have happened?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko

Let’s Talk To Pablo

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 129: Pablo

DBM: Hello Pablo. How would you describe yourself?

Pablo: Responsible for myself and actions. I will do anything to protect those I love

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Pablo: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Pablo: I married the corpse of my son’s mother before she was buried three years ago. I had been in a relationship with her for five years. She did not want marriage because she didn’t believe in it but her family wouldn’t let her be buried until I had done the traditional wedding rituals. My intention was to run away when the spokesperson from our family presented the request from the deceased’s family to me. I had packed my things and was ready to go three days before the ceremony but couldn’t move my legs that dawn. That was the first sign I should have taken seriously. My legs unlocked later in the afternoon and could walk again. I went to the bus station the next day still with the intention of not going through with the rituals; our bus was involved in an accident on the road. Nobody got hurt. These were the two strong alerts I got and had to return to do the expected of me.

DBM: But your late girlfriend didn’t want marriage, no?

Pablo: She didn’t

DBM: Why didn’t you argue her preference in her honor?

Pablo: Her family wouldn’t listen to anything

DBM: Where was your son?

Pablo: With her parents

DBM: They knew you?

Pablo: They did

DBM: And were in favor of you marrying her corpse?

Pablo: I don’t think they did but they went along with what the head of their clad had proposed.

DBM: Were you living together?

Pablo: Yes, for four years

DBM: What was the cause of her death?

Pablo: We were expecting our second child. She was nine months pregnant and was in labor. I was at work when the call came through. I got to the hospital and she was dead. The baby had died too. Her mother was in the hospital with her and had complained to the nurses about her daughter being in pain, but was ignored.

DBM: Is marriage something you wanted?

Pablo: Yes, but I wasn’t financially in the position to

DBM: Do you think that could be why your girlfriend wasn’t interested in the idea of marriage?

Pablo: Maybe, because she was very understanding of my situation

DBM: Dead women do not talk so how could the marriage ceremony take place?

Pablo: The two spokespersons from the various tribes did all the talking and negotiations. The one leading our clan officially asked for her hand in marriage, and the other head accepted. We presented the items on the lists given us to their family. My late girlfriend’s siblings also took their Akonta Sikan. The dowry was presented and placed beside her corpse.

DBM: The dowry consisted of what?

Pablo: Bride price of Ghs 2000, Gin, whisky, pieces of wax prints and clothes, Bible, jewelry, kitchen utensils, makeup, the engagement ring and food and drinks for the invited guests.

DBM: How many people were present to witness this?

Pablo: 10 family members from my side, and 10 form hers

DBM: Did you invite any friends?

Pablo: Three friends added to make my side of 10

DBM: Hmmm!

Pablo: It wasn’t easy.

DBM: The corpse looked like a bride?

Pablo: I can’t remember but she was adorned with a kente, crown-like tekua, with gold jewelries and expensive beading to accessorize her. I was the only one who touched, hugged and kissed her while she lay there, dead.

DBM: Whose cost was it to bury her?

Pablo: We split the cost 50/50 between our families. According to them, I was her husband and had to bear part of the funeral costs

DBM: How old were you?

Pablo: 33

DBM: You were so young. Did this experience have any negative effects on you?

Pablo: Depression came over me at nights, whenever I closed my eyes. I’m scared of cohabitation. I’m scared of getting a woman pregnant. Marriage is no longer part of my plans. I used to not drink alcohol but now I do. I lost my sense of sleep and found it very difficult sleeping at night.

DBM: How is your son doing?

Pablo: He’s fine. He’s gone to school.

DBM: He stays with you?

Pablo: Yes

DBM: What’s the relationship between you and your in-laws like?

Pablo: We don’t relate that well. Not spoken to any member of their family in years.

DBM: How is the feeling like, being a single parent?

Pablo: Challenging. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The things I love about him cannot be put into words. He matches my daily actions and behavior, mirroring the way I speak and move my body. He loves hanging out with me

DBM: Are you up to the task of parenting solo?

Pablo: Dave, I am more than qualified to care for my son

DBM: What are some of the challenges you face?

Pablo: A lot. I am on my own running this our household; imagine if he’s to fall sick, and I have work to do, bills to pay, etc.

DBM: Do you have any plans going back on the dating market?

Pablo: I’m not ready to retire my right hand and Vaseline yet

DBM: I see. But don’t you sometimes feel alone?

Pablo: My son is relying on me entirely, and probably even counting on me to keep my shid together. He keeps me company. I am not alone

DBM: You don’t miss the warmth of a woman?

Pablo: I’m okay for now.

DBM: Participant 128, Maxton, left a question for you: ‘What gets you out of bed every morning?’

Pablo: My alarm clock. But I force myself out of bed day after day because of my son. I want to be better for him. I want to be strong for him. I want to be available to him. I don’t have the luxury of messing it up or breaking at any point. I don’t have it all figured out. I can only give it my best shot.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Pablo: Let me see… I am going to assume your house, containing everything you own and value, has caught fire. After saving your loved ones, you just happen to have time to safely make a final dash in there to save any one item. What would it be, and why?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Ron Lach

POPULAR

Contact Us

  • maildmbir@gmail.com

Copyright 2022 David B - All Rights Reserved | Design: Javanet Systems