Secret – David B

Not Ready

Written by David B on August 2, 2026. Posted in Blog.

Evans: Dave, do you want to hear a funny story?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No!

Evans: Come on, be nice

DBM: What’s the funny story?

Evans: They are planning my wedding without my involvement, without my knowledge.

DBM: Who are the ‘they’?

Evans: My girlfriend is the chief orchestrator I think

DBM: How long have you two been in a relationship?

Evans: Almost five years

DBM: How did you find out about this plan?

Evans: First, I got a call from a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years inviting me to his wedding in October. He wants me to read a Bible passage at the ceremony. The problem with the invitation is that, he does not believe in marriage. He’s always argued that marriage is a crazy idea and did not believe it made any sense. He still stands by his assertion and doesn’t believe a relationship is any more or less binding because the people in it sign a piece of paperwork and start wearing some fake gold rings. My cousin has continuously needed an exit strategy in every relationship I know he’s been in. He has no intention of promising anyone forever because he knows he’s not going to keep his word to any one woman.

DBM: How old is your cousin?

Evans: 47

DBM: How old are you?

Evans: 40

DBM: How old is your lady?

Evans: 35

DBM: What has your cousin’s invitation got to do with someone planning your wedding?

Evans: That’s a great question. He asked for the location to my house to deliver the suit and shoes he wants me to wear to his wedding. Have you heard such a thing before? He lives in Italy and has come to Ghana to prepare for his supposed wedding. And he buys me a wrinkle free 4-Ply wool tailored fit suit by Lanificio Ermenegildo Zegna. A Havana fit suit, Dave. Do you know how much that cost? Someone who doesn’t know my measurements can order a custom-made suit to fit me perfectly. Do you know how much a Saint Laurent Le Loafer Logo-Embellished Eel Mules cost?

DBM: I don’t know what that is

Evans: They’re shoes. The shoes he brought for me to wear to ‘his wedding’.

DBM: You don’t think you’re deserving of nice things?

Evans: That’s not the issue Dave. You have to understand who my cousin is. That guy will not even lend me 10 Euro

DBM: People change

Evans: Not that nigga.

DBM: It still does not prove a conspiracy

Evans: I asked him to tell me about his wife-to-be and he smiled for about 15 minutes. Who smiles for 15 freakin’ minutes? I’m not kidding you. He did not know how to describe his own bride to me. I called my mother to ask about my cousin’s wedding and she had a rehearsed tale to tell me. It’s like, everybody is suddenly breathing on exertion around me when I talk to them about my cousin’s wedding. My girlfriend included. She’s now signed up for a gym membership. She woke up one morning and decided she wanted to start going to the gym. What dress size is she trying to fit in, if not for a wedding dress?

DBM: You’re funny

Evans: Dave, my wife’s pastor who has never called or spoken to me before started to call and text me on the phone to discuss why every relationship has issues, struggles and conflicts. He wants to help me address these issues and make sure I don’t take them into MARRIAGE. The ‘M’ word appeared out of nowhere?

DBM: Lol! He said that? Hehehe!

Evans: Dave

DBM: Lol! Him offering pre-marital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to make you get married. Nobody can impose marriage on you.

Evans: I know that but they’re trying to protect a secret.

DBM: Tell me about yourself

Evans: Not much to know. I am caring. I have a great job. I make a good living. I am thoughtful. I am generous and kind to others. I am very smart

DBM: You seem like a great catch

Evans: Until I’m not.

DBM: How so?

Evans: I am very critical of others. I can be very condescending, sharp-tongued and demeaning. I see myself to be above ordinary. I know how to verbally abuse people. I’m not all that nice. That is why I do not want to get married.

DBM: Okay, that’s toxic. Does your girlfriend know you do not want to get married?

Evans: Not specifically

DBM: Meaning?

Evans: I can’t tell her to her face because we’re deep into the relationship. And she’s been dancing around the marriage conversation for some time. I’m not proud of the way I sometimes treat or speak to her when I am angry. I don’t think marriage will change me.

DBM: We’re all finding ways to get along on a daily basis in our marriages. People take risks to marry us. Your lady, I am certain, does not know exactly where her life is headed, but she’s let herself fall into your arms anyways. None of us had everything together when we made the decision to adapt to partnered life in a marriage.

Evans: I’m a mess, Dave

DBM: Aren’t we all?

Evans: Hmmm

DBM: Do you love her?

Evans: I love her

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she someone you call your friend?

Evans: She’s my best friend

DBM: Are you financially broke?

Evans: No

DBM: Are you purpose driven?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Do you want to be with her for the rest of your life?

Evans: Only her, you mean?

DBM: Ha! Why that question?

Evans: Because she doesn’t always fill me up, so my eyes and mind wonder a lot. I’m being honest here.

DBM: I appreciate your candor

Evans: I’ve not been faithful to her in the five years. And I’m not going to be faithful in marriage

DBM: I see

Evans: Honesty is the best policy

DBM: She doesn’t know all this I’m guessing?

Evans: No

DBM: I’ve fallen in love only three times in my life. I didn’t date around much because I did not know or understand much about myself. The third human being I ever loved is the one I am married to. Was I ready for marriage? I’d say no. But was I ready enough to want to commit to my partner in marriage? Yes. I had to at a point just stop overthinking and simply make the decision to jump into it. I went into marriage carrying three hearts in my heart. Every now and then, l think of them fondly.

Evans: You still love your exes?

DBM: I like them because they were an interesting part of my past.

Evans: You’re fucking any of them?

DBM: I am not

Evans: You talk to them?

DBM: Once in a while

Evans: I’ve been with a lot of girls but I’m in love with two at the moment. And I’m fucking all two. I’ve come to realize that one woman cannot meet all of my needs.

DBM: Whatever you choose to make the focus of your attention, you will see more of that in sight. You have trained your desire to seek validation from other women because you have concluded that one woman is never going to be enough for you. That’s why other women start to find you attractive, like magic. Is it magic? Certainly not! Ladies have always been around us. You’re only seeing them now in that light because you’re looking and waiting to be found and seen by them.

Evans: It’s in every man’s DNA if you’re going to be honest with yourself.

DBM: Imagine if every guy is choosing to invest that very same energy we spread across folks – to focus on something, one thing that we really like about the partner we’re supposed to be committed to, what wouldn’t we discover and like eventually? That is the price I believe every man pays losing a part of themselves while making another human being’s life their own.

Evans: I’m not ready for marriage.

DBM: And that’s okay. You know yourself and the deep personal issues you’re grappling with. The only problem I see here is that, you’re using her to your own advantage. You are growing and having all of your needs met. She isn’t, because one of her biggest desires is to be a wife. A step you’re clearly not ready for.

Evans: It’s not that simple

DBM: Are you happy in the relationship with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she happy with you?

Evans: I should think so. I don’t know

DBM: Marriage shouldn’t always be the end goal. Sometimes, simply finding happiness together can equally be good enough. Please be honest with her.

Evans: I’ll talk to her this week about it.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Let’s Talk To Diahann

Written by David B on March 13, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 61: My name is Diahann

DBM: Hello Diahann. How would you describe yourself?

Diahann: I would describe myself as compassionate, and I know I will not hurt anyone intentionally. I am relatable, well-rounded, and know how to have a lot of fun – probably because I’ve been around the block quite a number of times. My boyfriend says, I bring so much fulfillment and satisfaction in our relationship.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Diahann: Oh, a cool 9

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Diahann: I am secretly dating one of my girlfriends’ ex-husband. It’s a secret relationship because I don’t know how she’s going to take the news if I am to break it to her. I am worried about her reaction if she’s to find out on her own. I am trying to prevent her getting hurt or feeling betrayed.

DBM: How long have you been dating him?

Diahann: Almost three years.

DBM: How long was he married to your friend?

Diahann: Seven years and some coins.

DBM: When was their divorce finalized?

Diahann: November of 2018

DBM: Was he your friend when he was with your friend?

Diahann: Yes, but not as close as I was with his ex-wife

DBM: Your friend, you mean?

Diahann: Yes!

DBM: What did you know about their marriage?

Diahann: I knew she wasn’t happy with him. There were times she could call me and cry and complain about his affairs with other women.

DBM: And, what were you telling her?

Diahann: First and foremost, it was difficult for me to just sit my behind somewhere, discussing her marriage in the absence of her ex. They are both my friends, and I wasn’t sure I was the best person for her to come to. The second thing is, my friend was suffering in silence in her marriage; it wasn’t working as she had hoped it would. I suggested she dealt with the situation or simply move on. Life is short, Dave. No one deserves to be frustrated by a spouse – all in the name of marriage.

DBM: Has your boyfriend told you his side of the reason for the divorce?

Diahann: All he said was, she wouldn’t stop getting on his last nerve

DBM: Did you by any chance get in the way of their marriage?

Diahann: Get in the way how?

DBM: Interfere with your opinions as her sounding-board of a sort

Diahann: No. It wasn’t my place to

DBM: Did you or your boyfriend ever seek any form of emotional connection with one another, while he was married to your friend?

Diahann: Never. In fact, I hated him for always causing my friend pain and unhappiness

DBM: If you suspect that one of your close friends is hanging around your ex-boyfriend, would you want her to let her intentions known to you?

Diahann: I don’t think so. That would be entirely her business. He is my ex for a reason

DBM: How did your relationship with him begin?

Diahann: I was supposed to be on a date with a guy who stood me up. My boyfriend just happened to be eating at the same restaurant. He saw me, and joined me at my table to build conversation since I was alone. When he realized my date wasn’t showing, he kept me company. He ordered food for me and the conversations continued. We hadn’t talked nor seen each other since their divorce

DBM: Did you tell your friend about your date, and how her ex-husband just happened to be there to keep you company?

Diahann: She knew I was stood up; we had been texting the whole of that afternoon to prepare me for my date. I didn’t mention the ex-husband part though

DBM: Why not?

Diahann: I didn’t think it was important

DBM: At what point did you realize you liked him?

Diahann: Right at the table on my date fiasco. He says, he realized how awesome I was, right at the beginning of our ‘first’ unplanned date lunch. He kissed me unexpectedly after eating, and I kissed back. He fell in love with me, and I would add, has been loyal to me. He respects me and our relationship, and understands my worth

DBM: I see. He fell in love with you, right there and then?

Diahann: Yes, that’s what he told me.

DBM: It does happen, I don’t doubt you.

Diahann: He did not contact me for about a week after the ‘date’. I didn’t sulk or feel hurt. He called on the eighth day to ask for a proper date night. That evening, I knew I was falling madly in love with him because the kiss had been on my mind for days.

DBM: We’re talking about the same guy you hated because he was making the life of your friend, a living hell?

Diahann: Same one. I’ve come to understand that, he’s not the type of man to hurt a woman for the fun of it. I had been pretending with my feelings for months till he told me how much he loves me

DBM: How much is his love for you?

Diahann: Worth more than 100 Cedis

DBM: Are you in love with him?

Diahann: I am all over him in love. I had to change my perceptions about him to accommodate his love for me.

DBM: Why do you think you fell for him that quickly?

Diahann: Because I know him. Also, he has something to add to every conversation we have. To be honest, until my friend started criticizing him about their marriage, I aways assumed he was a cool catch. I haven’t been so easy to get, nor so eager to please. He’s just been the perfect gentleman with my experience with him. Also, I made it hard for him to read me like a book on our ‘first’ date. I had blocked myself emotionally to him to get through to. He’s the real deal

DBM: For how long is he going to remain your best kept secret?

Diahann: That’s what I am trying to figure out.

DBM: In your opinion, was your friend right about her ex-husband?

Diahann: Since becoming a couple, he’s accounted for all his flaws, and is working through them to become a better man for me. Right now, our relationship is our most important friendship. And so far, it’s been working out just fine.

DBM: I am happy for you.

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

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