Self-care – David B

Fixing A Hole

Written by David B on November 16, 2025. Posted in Blog.

Wendy: Dave, should I concern myself about the kinds of friends my husband keep?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Do you know these friends of his personally?

Wendy: No, but something inside me doesn’t trust them to keep him safe.

DBM: Does he feel safe around them?

Wendy: I think so

DBM: Safety is a knowing. It’s a conviction. If he’s convinced in his spirit that hanging out with them feels right, then let him.

Wendy: But what if he doesn’t see what I’m seeing?

DBM: What do you see? Because whatever your intentions are should not rub off negatively on him.

Wendy: I don’t want his character to be corrupted. My husband is a good man, Dave. I fear he will change

DBM: If he’s a good man, let him be his good self even amongst bad company. Good character stands out and does not blend in. Trying to keep someone safe out of fear or insecurity sometimes feels like manipulation.

Wendy: What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

DBM: I just told you what I would have done.

Wendy: You just told me theoretically, what you would have done. Be practical with me

DBM: I would show him that I trust his decision-making and thought processes, and expect the best outcome. If he’s a good man as you claim, then that’s exactly what he would be and do: Good, by himself and by you. He wouldn’t want to disappoint you.

Wendy: If you say so

DBM: Give him the space he needs

Wendy: To spend time with his friends. Ok.

DBM: Well, he’s supposed to have a life of his own outside of you and the children, no?

Wendy: I hear.

DBM: Is that all that is on your mind?

Wendy: No.

DBM: What’s left?

Wendy: How do I let him understand that I get tired handling household chores and the kids all by myself.

DBM: Whoever asked you to be doing everything around the house by yourself?

Wendy: Dave, I’m a wife. He expects these to be done by me but I am tired of cooking, cleaning, washing, attending to the kids etc. It’s too much stress. I work and come home to more work.

DBM: Then stop stressing yourself. Stop doing it all by yourself. There should be enough room for your husband to also step up and be responsible at home. Attend to what is important to you and leave the rest to him to figure out. Take care of your own self because no one else would.

Wendy: You make it sound so simple

DBM: You just told me your husband is a good man. A decent man knows when to step up to add to your happiness. In my home, I support my partner with household chores. Unless I’m overseas and not physically present at home; I help with cleaning, cooking, laundry, I wash dirty dishes as and when, and take out trash. Yes, somebody has to get it done but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your sole responsibility. Do not put house chores on your shoulder because you are a wife. A man who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing comes through for you – because at the back of his mind, he knows and understands that, nothing makes him happier than seeing you happy. Question is, are you happy?

Wendy: No. I will come back with update.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Let’s Talk To Boahinmaa

Written by David B on May 28, 2023. Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 112: Boahinmaa is fine by me

DBM: Hello Boahinmaa. How would you describe yourself?

Boahinmaa: Empty and missing out on so much happiness

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boahinmaa: Five

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boahinmaa: I think I have forgotten how to find happiness for myself. I never thought I could get to this point in my life, where I’d lose that strong sense of who I was before getting married. Trying to be everything that makes my husband and children happy has left me feeling like I don’t actually understand my true value. I feel bitter too. I don’t know how to give to myself; I rather fear losing my marriage than losing my own life and peace of mind. I have forgotten how to trust in my self.

DBM: Give me an idea of your life’s priorities. You can arrange them in order of importance

Boahinmaa: My husband, my children, our family, God, my job, my parents and siblings

DBM: Can you attempt putting together that of your husband’s? At least, from where you stand

Boahinmaa: He is a selfish man so I know he always puts himself and his needs first. Our children might come second because he cares a lot about them. He loves his job and making quick money, then maybe, his mother and family, friends and then, me. I know I’m the last on his list

DBM: From your priorities, I don’t see your name on the list. Why?

Boahinmaa: Dave, all my life I have been taught to put others first and put myself last. My mother did it, so did her mother.

DBM: But I still don’t see your name on your list

Boahinmaa: Let me rearrange; husband, children, our family, God, my job, my parents and siblings, and Boahinmaa.

DBM: How old are you?

Boahinmaa: I don’t want to say my age. My husband reads from your Facebook platform. He doesn’t really like you because he thinks what you’re doing is rather destroying relationships. But I’m old enough. Just take that as an answer

DBM: You wouldn’t tell me how long you’ve been married either, no?

Boahinmaa: No, but I’ve been married for some time now.

DBM: What is the relationship between you and your husband like?

Boahinmaa: What I see is what I get

DBM: Meaning?

Boahinmaa: I don’t know how to explain it: I love my husband, but I’m just not happy being married

DBM: Would you qualify your marriage as bad?

Boahinmaa: It’s not that ‘bad’ to the extent of me walking out of it, but it’s not good either. My marriage is not feeding me any real joy and happiness

DBM: So, you’re stuck?

Boahinmaa: Pretty much!

DBM: How is your relationship with your children?

Boahinmaa: So-so. I am trying the best I can to be their mother.

DBM: Are they happy?

Boahinmaa: I wouldn’t know. Maybe or not

DBM: Is your husband happy with you?

Boahinmaa: Again, I don’t know. He can be all over the place with his exaggerated sense of self-importance. Also, I suspect he’s having an affair

DBM: So, you are not happy, you don’t know whether or not your husband is excited about you. You do not know the state of mind of your children. What do you know?

Boahinmaa: Awww, Dave, I feel like crying 😭

DBM: What would crying do for you at this moment?

Boahinmaa: I don’t even know

DBM: When last did you take time out to honestly, evaluate what you are going through?

Boahinmaa: I haven’t seriously done that. There is always a lot on my plate, it’s overwhelming

DBM: Do you think you’re taking good care of yourself? And by self, I mean your state of mind and its sanity, your total wellbeing, etc.

Boahinmaa: No!

DBM: You limit your capacity to pour into the lives of the very people you love the most, when you refuse to take care of you.

Boahinmaa: But Dave, I don’t want to be selfish like my husband

DBM: You don’t get it, do you?

Boahinmaa: What?

DBM: Your husband is not selfish

Boahinmaa: He is

DBM: GOD was number four on your priorities in life. Do you know that how you treat yourself is the same way you end up treating GOD?

Boahinmaa: I don’t think so

DBM: Be honest with me, what is your relationship with GOD like?

Boahinmaa: It’s in existent

DBM: I know, but what is it like? Do you love on him as much as you desire for your marriage to work?

Boahinmaa: I don’t know

DBM: You represent GOD in your life. And so, if you’re not that important in your own eyes and life, and have to always put others first, then GOD is not in the equation to begin with. You may know of Him, but then you do not know him for yourself – because you do not even know your worth

Boahinmaa: Dave, I know who I am. I am just not in my right-thinking faculties

DBM: Until you learn how to fill your own cup to drink from, it cannot run over to the benefit of others

Boahinmaa: I’m always sacrificing so much of myself in this marriage, it hurts really bad

DBM: That is because you are too strong to be weak. It’s tiring to say the least

Boahinmaa: Help me!

DBM: I don’t know how best I can help you. I can only suggest from how I live my life

Boahinmaa: Okay! How do you do you?

DBM: Unlike you, I am not looking out for a number one representation in my life. I do not put my needs and self on the back burner. I make sure I am always on the stove, cooking something fresh and delicious for myself, and then for others. I need to be strong for myself, in order to hold you down. GOD, and my boring self are the first important people in my life; followed by the love of my life, my passion for whatever I’m pursuing as a career; then my siblings and parents. My closest and best friends come next… In that exact order. And because of that, my dynamics with people isn’t that of bitterness. I am hardly resentful, hardly jealous.

Boahinmaa: Easier said than done!

DBM: I know, it’s upsetting to look at your own behavior.

Boahinmaa: But Dave, my husband is a contributory factor to my unhappiness in this marriage

DBM: You’re still blaming your husband just to avoid looking inward. You have to learn how to choose to be happy. Learn how to live for yourself, so you can find what makes Boahinmaa happy. You’re not here to fulfill what you perceive to be the expectations of others for you. This life is too short to refuse yourself more good days and memories

Boahinmaa: Okay!

DBM: I’m not saying it’s going to be easy on you, but then you need to find enough courage to choose your happiness over the fear of the unknown. Spark some joy in your life

Image Credit: Timur Weber

Tag: Self-care

Fixing A Hole

Let’s Talk To Boahinmaa

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