Let’s Talk To Plumb
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 185: Plumb
DBM: Hello Plumb. How would you describe yourself?
Plumb: I don’t understand myself today
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Plumb: 3
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Plumb: November 2023, I drove my wife to the hospital because she was complaining about a sweltering sensation in her midsection. After a number of tests done on her they detected cancerous lesions. The doctor’s prognosis was that it was a terminal something. She’s currently stage 4. My wife became very weak in February, 2024, and we have not had sex since. In fact, our last sex was in December last year, before I first took her to the hospital. She’s not reacting too well to chemotherapy and watching her suffer breaks my heart. A few days ago, she suggested I find myself a girlfriend to meet my physical needs. I have never seen her like this before.
DBM: Seen her like what?
Plumb: Never seen her give up on herself
DBM: Because she suggested you find someone else to clear your hot?
Plumb: Not just that. She doesn’t think she’s going to beat the cancer. She’s been crying since December
DBM: How old is she?
Plumb: 41
DBM: What do you think your wife really wants for you?
Plumb: I don’t know! To be happy?
DBM: She also wants you to be yourself. She needs you to love her in your own way, since you’re both processing this scare
Plumb: I need to have sex again
DBM: You’ve not been with anyone since the news?
Plumb: No!
DBM: Have you been with anyone else prior to December?
Plumb: No!
DBM: How long have you been married?
Plumb: 5yrs
DBM: I see
Plumb: I feel like if I am to go ahead with what she’s suggesting, I would be the bad guy; and my conscience will fight me
DBM: A man’s character is who he is in the dark. For the moment, all I can say is – you have demonstrated your character pretty well
Plumb: Do you think I should do it?
DBM: Do you want to?
Plumb: I want to have sex
DBM: Do you want to have sex with another woman?
Plumb: I want to have sex
DBM: Okay! I have a question: prior to your wife’s illness, was sex outside of your marriage a boundary you and your wife had set or discussed as unacceptable?
Plumb: Yes
DBM: Okay! Any relationship where the people in it have not given themselves enough room to discuss boundaries, cheating is bound to happen
Plumb: She’s given me the go-ahead now. Do we still classify it as cheating?
DBM: Would you categorize it as cheating?
Plumb: I don’t think so
DBM: Does the thought of it excite you?
Plumb: No!
DBM: How does it make you feel?
Plumb: Conflicted
DBM: Why?
Plumb: I can’t explain it
DBM: Do you think your non-verbal cues and/or mannerisms at home, or towards your wife, might have pushed her to suggest this to you?
Plumb: How so?
DBM: We’re men; when every night is just not the ‘right time’ for her?
Plumb: Every night has not been the right night for her for almost eight months
DBM: Are you happy in your marriage?
Plumb: Truthfully, no! My wife is sick
DBM: That is the only reason?
Plumb: Also, because I don’t feel loved and appreciated.
DBM: Due to the lack of sexual intimacy with your wife
Plumb: Yes. Sex is how I feel loved
DBM: I know! And I think your wife cares a lot about you
Plumb: Yes. How do you deal with rejection at home?
DBM: What type of rejection?
Plumb: Sex
DBM: For my home, it’s not a straight ‘No!’ when one person is not in the mood for sex. It’s ‘not tonight, babe’ and we simply schedule the sex to the next morning or a later date that we both would look forward to. We always end up being the most amazing partner in the other’s eyes, just because we show one another how much we still care even if we’re not in the mood that moment to make love
Plumb: That’s cool vibes
DBM: Yhup!
Plumb: I don’t think my wife’s suggestion is genuine
DBM: Then, do not take it on
Plumb: It’s not easy, Dave
DBM: Such is life sometimes; a man would have to lose the one thing he thought he would never be able to live without – just to realize that, the thing he most certainly would not be able to live without is himself, and of course, his integrity.
Plumb: It’s not easy bro.
DBM: I can understand, and I applaud you for your candor. I am just hoping everything happening around you, and at home, will teach you an even greater understanding of who you are as a man, husband and father, if you have children.
Plumb: We have a four-year old son
DBM: You are strong. You are resilient. You are kind, and full of love for your dear wife and son.
Plumb: It was nice talking to you.
DBM: The pleasure is all mine. Participant 184, Calvary, left a question for you: ‘Are you voting Bawumia or Mahama, and why?’
Plumb: We’ve all heard their promises, smart-lines and lies, excuses and misrepresentations, but Ghana’s ability to succeed is why I believe former President Mahama should be re-elected. He is far from perfect but looking at the two options at hand, VP Bawumia does not seem to have a clear knowledge about the economy. We’ve all witnessed him talk about plans he’s implemented in the past seven and half years but has he been able to produce specifics that are really working for the good of the people? The arithmetic doesn’t work within the present government. That’s the truth. It’s a very corrupt system and government.
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.
Plumb: Will you fight for a relationship that you know is worth fighting for? Why?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Cottonbro
