Still A Virgin
Veliane: Dave
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi
Veliane: Are you free?
DBM: For now, yeah! How are you?
Veliane: I’m great. Yourself?
DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.
Veliane: What’s your take on virginity?
DBM: You’re a virgin?
Veliane: I am
DBM: How old are you?
Veliane: 39
DBM: Oh nice! Congratulations!
Veliane: Lol
DBM: I’m serious.
Veliane: It doesn’t feel like a great feat to attain
DBM: What makes you say that?
Veliane: I’m still single. Lol!
DBM: And, that’s also okay
Veliane: Ok, while my biological clock ticks by the day?
DBM: Would you rather be having sex with people you’re not really sure about?
Veliane: I’ve been sure about a couple of guys I’ve dated in the past. Not giving in to their desire to be intimate with me broke us up.
DBM: You mind me asking why you’re holding on to your virginity?
Veliane: I want to experience sex only in marriage.
DBM: And, do you tell these guys your reason when they demand for sex?
Veliane: Yes
DBM: Do you feel pressured to have sex when in a serious relationship?
Veliane: All the time.
DBM: It’s a good thing to strongly understand your own desires. You should be proud of the fact that you have chosen to be true to yourself and not give in to the unnecessary pressures just to blend in.
Veliane: So, what really is your take on virginity?
DBM: I don’t think a woman’s value should be tied to her sexual innocence or lack thereof. Your body is your own and no one should have ownership over it except for you. Similarly, your body should not be controlled or delimited – as if it were a societal commodity.
Veliane: I agree with you.
DBM: If you feel like preserving it for the right person, preserve it for the right person.
Veliane: Since you’re a man, can you explain why men make a big deal out of sex when they’re in a relationship with us?
DBM: First off, it’s not every man that would make a big deal out of sex. I love sex when I want to have sex, but I am not crazy about sex. And then there are the others that only find that sense of peace and homecoming when a woman they’re attracted to, takes them all in – into her body. Men want to be wanted. Men want to be seen. Men want to be touched. Men want to be held. Men want their hearts and souls to be safe in your hands. Sex to a man is that safe space where he can trust your environment enough to take refuge in. We glory in that opening to find relaxation inside of you. Sex with a willing partner feels like we are intentionally being cared for. And that, we sometimes interpret as love.
Veliane: Can a man also feel loved in a relationship without sex?
DBM: In a relationship, sure; in marriage, I don’t think so. It takes a lot of courage, time and maturity for a man to want to settle down with you in a marriage. If he can be that vulnerable to want to choose you to be that partner, he is willing to do the rest of his life with, then you should be open to accepting and receiving all of his vulnerabilities. Sex with you is one of those.
Veliane: Some of my friends who are married discuss in our group pages that their husbands don’t give them orgasm. What if I marry or have sex and I don’t get to experience that ultimate satisfaction?
DBM: I think orgasms are cool but should it be the main reason why we have sex? No! I’d rather focus on experiencing that feel of trust and safety in a partner I am intimate with. That should be more satisfying, I think. If I am safe with someone, I am pleased. If I feel like I can trust someone, my heart will be at peace.
Veliane: Is sex outside of marriage a sin?
DBM: Sex is a choice you make, whether in marriage or outside of it. If you’re not engaging in sex because of your faith, then continue to choose GOD over sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you’re willing to experience sex, then be willing to lose that faith you have held so dear to your heart your entire life. Religion should not make you feel damaged or broken, if you choose not to remain a virgin until marriage. Your worth as a woman, is so much more than just a hymen.
Veliane: How do I make a man understand and not feel rejected when I refuse them sex in a relationship?
DBM: You do not owe any man who is not married to you, sex or even fidelity. You choose to want to honor them in both ways. You need to first believe in that, and others would. When you value what you stand for, they ought to tag along if they have an iota of respect for you. Because they’d listen and hear your no and its reasons, and would have to appreciate your boundaries. A man who genuinely, is that much into you would value your opinions about sex. He would know that you respect yourself enough to not want to tolerate anything less than you deserve. If he is deserving of you, he wouldn’t suggest or do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship. What you will and will not accept should be that clear to him, right from the onset. You need to feel whole, with or without the approval of men.
Veliane: Sometimes, I get very sad when they go silent on me because of that.
DBM: When a man suddenly doesn’t think you’re worth pursuing anymore, it doesn’t matter; because you know you are worth pursuing, regardless.
Veliane: Dave, are you a counselor?
DBM: I am not. I am just passionate about certain things.
Veliane: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Image Credit: RDNE Stock project
