Tag: Tattoo

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 160: My name is Paige

DBM: Hi Paige. How would you describe yourself?

Paige: Something keeps nagging at my brain

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Paige: A 6 at the moment

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Paige: I am about to get married to my fiancé and I am supposed to be in the mood. Ask me how I feel about marrying him right now? We’ve been dating for two and a half years, and I’ve been uncomfortable with a tattoo on his right breast chest. It’s a big tattoo of two different hearts, with a rose flower in-between the space separating the hearts; his name written in one heart, and that of his ex-girlfriend written in the other. I used to not have any issue with it till I found out he still talks to her in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. A few weeks after asking me to marry him, I saw a conversation on his phone between them. He was telling her she was his first and real true love, and doubts he’d ever love anyone as much as he loved her. Dave, mind you, the lady I am talking about is married, and has been for a few years. From the WhatsApp conversation, she asked to see a picture of him, and he took a 45 seconds video of himself, shirtless, smiling all gleefully, and whispering ‘I still care about you’. He ended the video by focusing the camera on his tattoo.

DBM: Hmmm!

Paige: I’ve given him an ultimatum to get the tattoo covered or I opt out of the relationship.

DBM: What really is your concern, his tattoo or the fact that he’s still engaging his ex in chats?

Paige: All of it. And I do not think I trust him like I used to. Dave, he’s a very nice gentleman but I have suddenly lost that excitement I used to feel about him. I am no longer hopeful about our future together, and it’s concerning.

DBM: What makes him ‘a very nice gentleman’ in your opinion?

Paige: He’s good to me. He’s a sweet guy; one of the kindest men I have dated. He sees me. And, he’s not a bad person.

DBM: It’s good to be seen

Paige: Yes

DBM: And I like the fact that you respect him for the person you think he is – which in itself, is a great deal

Paige: He used to be the perfect man I had ever seen

DBM: May I ask your age please?

Paige: 39

DBM: And how old is he?

Paige: 41

DBM: Are you going to be at peace if the tattoo is covered?

Paige: A bit. Seeing the art on his chest whenever we are naked together in bed is upsetting

DBM: Do you feel desired and appreciated?

Paige: In my relationship?

DBM: Yes

Paige: I do

DBM: Does he feel desired and appreciated?

Paige: I believe so. He knows how much I want him. He knows how grateful I am for what he does for me. But why that question?

DBM: Most men cheat for the same reason a woman would

Paige: I don’t want much; I just need him to understand me

DBM: Men want to feel desired

Paige: I desire him. I think he’s just not content with what we have

DBM: Are you content with what you have with him?

Paige: I will be content if he learns how to listen to what’s important to me

DBM: You don’t feel heard?

Paige: I don’t

DBM: Do you respect him?

Paige: I do, Dave. I already told you, he’s a wonderful man

DBM: What else do you know about the other lady?

Paige: I read a bit of their conversation. She seems lonely in her marriage and believes my fiancé is someone she can freely talk to, because he listens to her

DBM: Do you feel your guy is lonely in his relationship with you?

Paige: I cannot know for sure

DBM: Because if he’s lonely, and she is also lonely, what is happening would be inevitable

Paige: What do you suggest I do?

DBM: Talk to your man

Paige: We have talked about my concerns

DBM: What about what concerns him?

Paige: Well, he’s not bothered to open up. From what I know, everything is fine between us

DBM: The married men who have confided in me about their numerous affairs all crooned the same tune, their women, somewhere along the line stopped being their wives and lovers, and became mothers. They were no longer putting them first.

Paige: I am not a mother yet. And, I’ve been putting him first.

DBM: Okay!

Paige: Men will stain your white. Look at the way you are trying so hard to defend your gender. Meanwhile, I am the one bringing my case to you. Dave, you’ve changed. You used to listen to the women

DBM: I am still the same, Paige. I’m only concerned about you

Paige: Concerned, how?

DBM: I can only speak from my perspective as a man. Usually, it’s not so much about what you do ‘for the man’ in the relationship. It’s more about what you do that he acknowledges, understands and appreciates. Cooking for him is great. Keeping the house tidy is also great. Washing his clothes is great, but are those services meeting his core needs, or just simply satisfying what makes you happy as his woman? A woman’s to-do list can cloud her judgement and ultimately, overwhelm her to consciously, or unconsciously take for granted what she has with her partner.

Paige: Is my voice supposed to heard in all this?

DBM: Your feelings are valid

Paige: Covering the tattoo will be his proof of love for me

DBM: Very well understood. However, our past is our unique experience: we cannot just erase it; we cannot change nor forget about it. What you’re trying to ask of him is impossible. That was his first true love; he cannot ignore the memory of her like that. You cannot ask him not to think about or repress his true feelings for her. I know it sounds unfair, but that tattoo means something to him. Will forcing him to cover it make him resist the urge in him for her? She’s on his mind at the moment and it’s affecting his today with you.

Paige: He has to let her go if I’m in his future. She being in the picture is impacting my relationship with him

DBM: I don’t believe another person can break anyone’s relationship. I think your relationship is already on a rocky footing. That is how come another woman can seem to be contributing to its shaky state.

Paige: It’s like you came in today wearing your male cap

DBM: Don’t give him an ultimatum because of a tattoo. That part of his history cannot be erased

Paige: I should keep staring at it then?

DBM: You can choose to see it, and interpret it in a completely different way. You are the creator of your happiness in a relationship.

Paige: Covering the tattoo is what will make me happy. He’s cheating on me, Dave

DBM: You deserve the very best. Ask yourself, if who he is now, represents your version of the ‘best’

Paige: Okay!

DBM: Participant 158, JJAS, left a question for you: ‘What can you do to help my wife heal from this confession?’

Paige: What you have done to your wife is not an easy thing to heal from. You have to be completely clear to her about why it happened, and be willing to do the work to support her healing process. I think men have to show up for their women a whole lot more

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Paige: I don’t have a question for anyone

DBM: Okay! Thank you!

Image Credit: Truth Enock