Calculated Risk
Kai: Hi
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Everything alright?
Kai: No
DBM: What’s the problem?
Kai: My husband makes me feel so small, Dave. I don’t understand why he does that
DBM: Marriage is supposed to make us feel safe
Kai: I don’t feel like I can be myself around him anymore. The things he can say to me and sometimes the way he looks at me and acts makes me want to even question my worth. I don’t think I am good enough for him at this stage of his life.
DBM: Tell me a little about yourself
Kai: I used to be that girl who was unstoppable and outspoken. There was no limit to what I could accomplish. I could push through adversity and fight for what I wanted. Dave, I was strong, smart, powerful in my own right, savvy, secure and confident. I was loving and brave and wasn’t trying too hard to be perfect like I am lately trying so hard to do to be seen by my husband. I do all the basics at home, I cook, I take care of our children and husband, I try my best to please him. I work hard; I avoid any type of conflict with him and still would be rejected. I don’t know what else I haven’t done for him not to find fault with. It’s tiring. I am tired of keeping peace while silencing the pain it causes me in the process. I don’t feel chosen by him.
DBM: What do you do for a living?
Kai: I manage a hedge fund portfolio. I hold a PhD in Business Economics
DBM: How old are you?
Kai: 41
DBM: You love your job?
Kai: Very much
DBM: Marriage is somewhat like a job. If your husband doesn’t love or know what to do with you, he’s probably not going to be motivated to go above and beyond, to transform and to stand out in the relationship. Do you know your sense of worth without his approval?
Kai: I do
DBM: Good! Stop walking on eggshells around him. Stop overthinking whatever he’s making you feel like you’ve done wrong. Do not allow his actions to affect your self-esteem. If he’s not going to appropriately communicate with you about what is really going on with him, then do not believe any criticism you hear him make about you. I know men who thrive on using criticisms as a way to feel like they’re in control or are powerful. Who you know you are should be separate from your husband’s bad behavior towards and opinions about you. If he’s refusing to affirm you, let it not define your worth as a woman and mother.
Kai: Ok
DBM: He does what he does to you because he isn’t afraid of losing you. Sometimes, you have to stop playing it safe and let them lose you – if they’re choosing to take you for granted. It wouldn’t be a reckless decision on your part if you know how to take a calculated risk. I keep telling you ladies, do not give any man a long rope to tie you with. Do not give a man, be it your husband, boyfriend, boss, friend or stranger so much power to mess with the rise or fall of your value anytime he chooses to change his mood. With such men, you only are useful until you aren’t.
Kai: I sometimes feel like I made a huge mistake with my choice of a husband. I let other good men and friends go because of him.
DBM: If you can make a mistake and you can learn from the mistake, then the mistake was worth it.
Kai: You’re right.
Image Credit: Mizuno Kozuki
