Tag: Wedding

When To Heal

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Fanni: I’m getting married in two months. We’ve been together for 4 years. I love him. He’s told me I am the love of his life. Dave, is love enough to build a life together with a man I am not 100% sure that I trust?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! How are you doing?

Fanni: Not bad. Just keeping up with work. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. How old are you?

Fanni: I am 37 years

DBM: And your man?

Fanni: He is 40

DBM: It’s good to know you love him. Love is a good thing. It is an important element to healthy relationships. Loving the right person is an awesome experience. Also, I know a few people who believe love alone is good enough to sustain a marriage, however, I can only speak from my own experience in marriage. I do not think love is enough to build a life together with someone. Love was, and has always been the starting point for me in my relationship.

Fanni: My fiancé’ has gotten another woman pregnant and I am torn between how I feel and what I am supposed to do.

DBM: How are you feeling?

Fanni: All I’ve done in the past few weeks is questioning my own judgement. I honestly didn’t see this coming.

DBM: Why, were you expecting him to be perfect?

Fanni: Not that, but at least, some loyalty. I am so crushed, Dave

DBM: I’m sorry about that.

Fanni: I don’t know what to do

DBM: We always know what to do

Fanni: Dave, I don’t

DBM: You do!

Fanni: I’m not strong enough to call off the wedding. The shame. The embarrassment. Money has been put in the planning of our wedding. There’s a lot at stake.

DBM: Healing the hurt in you is what is at stake. Different emotions have taken root in you. You need to figure that out first.

Fanni: He’s asking for forgiveness. Everybody is begging me to forgive him. I’m torn

DBM: You don’t have to forgive him now if that’s not how you feel. You need to find your own strength on your own terms. You cannot be rushed in extending grace to someone who chose to blindside you, and not honor your love and trust. It’s not mandatory to reconcile the man you thought you knew and loved with his actions.

Fanni: What do I do, Dave?

DBM: Do what you feel is in your own best interest.

Fanni: I don’t know what is best for me right now

DBM: If I were in your shoes, I’d allow myself to feel the weight and depth of all of the emotions going on inside of me.

Fanni: And then what?

DBM: And not rush myself to ‘fix’ anything as at yet.

Fanni: How about the timelines of my wedding?

DBM: It’s okay to also grieve the loss of a wedding at your own pace. Do not offer forgiveness to a person who isn’t giving you room to reflect over or feel the sharpness of the hurt of what has happened because of his decisions. You have to gain a better insight into situations that enables you to make the healthiest of choices with time.

Fanni: You wouldn’t go ahead with the wedding if you were in my shoes?

DBM: It depends

Fanni: On what, Dave?

DBM: On whether or not I believe I’m deserving and worthy of love, respect, loyalty and trust. Whether the other person is deserving of me rebuilding the trust I once had in them.

Fanni: I understand. Even though I feel hurt I still love him.

DBM: Good for you. I know so many people who loved each other strongly, but then still ended up divorced.

Fanni: Are men always going to cheat?

DBM: Some men in committed relationships would always want to have sex with other people. And would take advantage of the slightest opportunity as it arises. Question is: would that be a dealbreaker for you?

Fanni: Yes, that’s a dealbreaker for me

DBM: You don’t have to suffer quietly through any form of disloyalty from a partner. Decide which path makes sense to you and travel on it alone or with him or someone else along.

Fanni: But I can forgive right?

DBM: Yes. We all deserve forgiveness. We’ve all been hurt and betrayed one way or the other. If I’m choosing to forgive someone for a wrong done me, I’m choosing to detach myself from the pain the wrong rubs off me. I am choosing to detach myself from the anger and bitterness it buries within me. It’s not just a lip service. It’s an actual sacrifice to want to pardon an unfortunate past or wrong behavior of someone.

Fanni: He said he cheated because I wasn’t giving in to frequent sex. How much sex will make a man not cheat?

DBM: What do you do for a living?

Fanni: I’m a corporate counsel, an in-house attorney for a company to manage its legal affairs

DBM: The egos of most men, fortunately or unfortunately, are tied to sex. You need to know the kind of partner you are with and make what motivates and keeps them going a priority. If it’s sex, you need to make sex a priority. Not YOUR priority but A priority. You see the difference, no?

Fanni: I do

DBM: We panic when something we deem important in our relationships start to feel like it’s gradually fading on us or getting missing. That also doesn’t mean it fixes all things. You can give a man regular sex and still end up being cheated on.

Fanni: Ok

DBM: If he’s showing you now that he’s not content with what you bring to his life and the relationship, he will never be content as he ages, unfortunately. There is always something new for people who are not content to pursue. It can be fresh sex, or a totally different kind of sex. It can be more sex which in their minds, only you cannot satisfy that thrill and experience. It’s like corruption. What will make a successful lawyer want to put his career on hold just to pursue politics? Do you really believe it’s because he wants to help people or build the economy?

Fanni: The money to steal

DBM: Exactly. Most men knowingly would deceive and mislead you just to satisfy their ego. I can only suggest to you to trust the voice of your intuition. That is an act of faith over fear.

Fanni: I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my age but my biological clock is ticking. I’m concerned about that one too. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to find another man to date and plan marriage with. I’m just being real with you.

DBM: Children are a wonderful side bonus that are supposed to come from a healthy union. With or without children, marriage is supposed to be about partnership. Having a life partner, a teammate to do life and its challenges with. I don’t think we marry because we want children. We marry because we want that genuine commitment and bond that binds and holds two people together to do their very best to hold it all together.

Fanni: Ok. Thanks

Image Credit: Christina Morillo

Date Me! (Part 1)

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

16 years ago, my then fiancé left me, my family, his family, our friends and a host of invited guests waiting for him to show up on our wedding day. He did not show. Dave, I had been dreaming about my wedding day, and even the dress I would wear since before I met my him. I had pictured it in my head and even shared our big day with him. Though it was difficult to get that perfect and well-planned image into words, he loved every bit of the detail I managed to describe to him. He added his own vision of his wedding day and we realized our D-day was going to be the opposite of anxious.

We both wanted a comfortable and fun event. We agreed on something simple, budget friendly, yet romantic and beautiful beyond belief. I could practically see myself walking up the aisle in my satin ballgown with a smooth slit, a long train, buttons down the back of my wedding dress. I wore the exact gown 16 years ago to create into reality our dream. The situation for that day was beyond ugly. It was embarrassing and sad. I was in the car parked in front of the chapel with my dad, waiting for a signal to join the service.

My fiancé loved me very much and I know he also craved the same level of safety and security that being married could bring us. I remember while we waited for like forever for that damn signal, my dad shared the story of how he could not wait to settle down with my mum in marriage on their wedding day.  He asked if I felt the same way about my fiancé and my answer was yes; I was not willing to wait. Neither was he.

After being in the car for what seemed like an hour, his sister came to where we had parked to inform us of her brother’s decision. He wasn’t coming. The look on her face broke me. She was my friend and couldn’t wait to officially call me her sister in love. It was brought to my attention that her brother had gotten a lady pregnant and she wasn’t going to abort nor raise the child. She wanted us to raise her child. Yes, you read right. Me and my fiancé to raise the child she was having with him. Those were her conditions, else she was going to show up in church and raise her hand when it came to the part of, ‘If anyone here has an objection, speak now or forever hold your peace’.

My dad asked what I was going to do and I told him to go inside the chapel with my friend to apologize to everyone and cancel the day. They left and I was in the car alone with the driver. The driver was my boss at work who had volunteered to be my personal chauffer. He was a widower. His wife had died the year before. “Why did you offer to be our driver today?” I asked.

“Because you have been consistent at being the direct report that sees the chaos and cleans it up at work. You fix any unexpected problem at work. I have seen you move mountains to deliver on commitments in my company. You have made me a ton of money and also pulled the entire team at work together. I see what you do for my business. This was the least I could do for you and your husband.” he answered, while smiling.

Dave, even though I couldn’t avoid being sad and literally, watching my dream of a ‘happily ever after’ crumble, that little moment with my boss became my biggest motivation to immediately sit up and try to be thankful for all things happening together for my good. I started to believe that I deserved what was better than the embarrassment of a failed wedding in front of family and friends.

“Do you know what you need right now?” my boss asked, “You need a man who has reached the age of commitment. You are a woman seriously trying to find a husband. Date me!”

Dave, I am getting ready to go join my husband in bed. I will continue with the second part of our love story tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Image Credit: Pavel Danilyuk

Let’s Talk To Boris

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 86: Boris

DBM: Hello Boris. How would you describe yourself?

Boris: My woman’s man

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Boris: Seven

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Boris: I believe in premarital sex; my wife doesn’t due to her Christian convictions. I am a Christian too, and I believe having sex before marriage is one of the best ways to do romantic relationships. We had sex and fortunately for us, got pregnant before our wedding day. We got married not long ago, and I think what the reverend minister who officiated our wedding did, has austerely affected my relationship with my wife.

DBM: Are you interested in anything else your wife offers beyond the bedroom?

Boris: There is more to her than the sex. I invest in her, I prioritize her and make decisions that validate my affection and desire for her.

DBM: What did the minister do?

Boris: He asked my wife before the exchange of vows, whether or not she’s pregnant with my baby.

DBM: Asked in which manner, openly or privately?

Boris: He did not speak into the microphone but he asked in the presence of her Lady of Honor, my best man and the MC.

DBM: In the presence of your invited witnesses?

Boris: Yes, during the ceremony

DBM: Why did he feel the need to ask?

Boris: He felt we tricked him

DBM: Tricked him how?

Boris: Well, her resident pastor requested to meet with us a couple of times leading up the wedding. They asked if we had been sexually intimate, and my wife said ‘no’, which was a lie because we had found out she was seven or eight weeks pregnant as at that time.

DBM: Why did she have to lie about it?

Boris: She didn’t see the need to volunteer any of that information. Secondly, she didn’t want to disappoint her pastor because she’s been told since she was a kid, that premarital sex is a sin. I had no problem telling the truth, but she begged me not to come forward with our private activities if her church executives asked.

DBM: How did the minister find out that she was expecting?

Boris: I don’t know how, but someone clearly told him our business.

DBM: Did he officiate the wedding?

Boris: He insisted we confessed before he did. Unfortunately, while my wife was denying the pregnancy, I was saying ‘yes’ to his question at the same time.

DBM: You both were to present a united front, no?

Boris: Yes, but here is the case people had started murmuring and were wondering what could be going on with us. The pastor looked angry, and would not go ahead with the program till we told the truth.  It was even embarrassing when he kept expressing how disappointed he was in my wife. My wife practically started to weep.

DBM: This is so wrong on every level. On your wedding day?

Boris: If I am being honest here; I wish we hadn’t gone through with the wedding after that whole scene. My wife was not herself right up the questioning before the vows exchange till the ceremony was over. Our professional photos look ugly because we weren’t happy in it. That overwhelming sense of happiness that I was hoping my wife and I could experience was taken away from us.

DBM: I can only imagine

Boris: Dave, I don’t think I will ever get to that point where I can look back on my wedding day with any emotion other than regret, anger and discomfort.

DBM: That’s rather unfortunate

Boris: It’s the truth

DBM: Who do you think is to blame here?

Boris: My wife blames me

DBM: Why is she blaming you?

Boris: She says I didn’t have her back when she needed me the most.

DBM: As in?

Boris: Not going along with the same script.

DBM: But you had gone along with it up till the priest had to confront you all over again at the altar, no?

Boris: She doesn’t see it that way. She feels she cannot trust me. And my wife is the type who would rather love a man she trusts. We have not had sex since our wedding incident. She cancelled our honeymoon plans and went home. It’s been two months since the wedding. Her love and excitement for me is now replaced with fear and doubt.

DBM: I’m trying to understand where she’s coming from, but then again, she’s the one who put you in that uncomfortable position to save face by lying about it

Boris: I had no problem telling anyone we were having sex

DBM: Because you were having sex with her

Boris: Exactly!

DBM: I have a personal relationship with GOD, even though I am no longer a church-goer. And to the best of my knowledge, I doubt if GOD cares that much about what I do with my genitalia. I may be wrong; however, I do know that He is very much concerned about my heart, and exactly where my priorities lie.

Boris: Do you believe in sex before or after marriage?

DBM: I do not equate sexual morality to how long I wait before having sex. Don’t get me wrong; I believe in abstinence. I have two biological sisters who are still keeping themselves pure only for their future husbands, and would not have sex with any man till they are married to them. To me, it’s a beautiful and wise decision they’ve made. But sexual morality, in my opinion isn’t about purity. It is about how I treat myself and the person I am with. If I am genuinely that much into you, and I feel there is a possible future to be built with you, sex would be good for me if it’s that important a bond to increase our emotional intimacy, and also build a stronger self-image for us. And this has absolutely nothing to do with being married to you. That doesn’t make me dirty or impure. I feel that, so far as we are ready, and we both consent to it, one should not feel shame in desiring to be physically intimate with someone they love and trust.

Boris: I agree

DBM: Why do you think your wife agreed to sex before marriage, even though she would have loved to wait till after the wedding?

Boris: I think she craved for it at a point.

DBM: I am naturally not so crazy about sex, even though I love the idea of some good sex. I think I have a low sex drive and can find pleasure in deep and meaningful companionship without necessarily using sex as a key component.

Boris: What do I do about my wife?

DBM: Have you apologized to her?

Boris: I have, but she’s still not having sex with me. She looks at me differently.

DBM: Do you think she will ever get over it?

Boris: No! She doesn’t think I am reliable. She doesn’t share her feelings and personal thoughts with me anymore

DBM: Well, at this point I don’t think there is much you can do. Just trust that she knows what’s in her best interest. Respect her boundaries and be considerate to her needs. Also, have faith in her, regardless of the tension between you two.

Boris: For how long? We’ve been married for more than two months and still, no show.

Image Credit: Carsten Vollrath

RANDY COLEMAN’S OPINION

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

My wife and I could have pulled off a lavish wedding if we wanted to. In fact, we are not doing badly financially. But God blessed me with the kind of woman who is much more interested in a better life and future for us and our children, than just a one-day show-off (wedding). She reasoned with me and we had a simple but beautiful engagement; went to court to sign, and we were married. We are happily married with a lovely baby boy, and no financial burden hanging over our heads.

This is a woman who holds two degrees in nursing with other specialties, and has practiced for over a decade as a Senior Nurse. When we started dating, she was already doing her Masters at GIMPA, drove her own car and lived independently. Talk of beauty, she’s got it; the type that other women see and go like… waow! You are beautiful! Yet, she’s very simple, kind-hearted, considerate, and so down to earth. This is the woman I call my wife; that special, priceless gem of a woman to be adored.

The thing is, a big wedding is definitely okay if you want it, and can afford it. But don’t throw away your happiness in pursuit of a one-day ceremony. It just doesn’t make sense. Most of us guys honestly do appreciate simple women who prioritize the future over and above today. That’s my truth!

Image Credit: Randy Coleman

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