LOOKING BACK AT ME

I don’t even know how to start my story, but I need to get it off my chest. I remember being sexually abused at four or five years old. Even though I was just a child, I remember he was a friend to my family; especially with my big sister. He was the type I could go to his room and my parents wouldn’t be bothered. All that I could remember was, he made me sit on his lap and he would insert his fingers in my private parts. I can’t remember the exact times it happened but I know I didn’t tell anyone about it. I can’t remember if he threatened me or not but I couldn’t tell my parents or siblings.

Unfortunately for me too, he left the town as I was growing up, and so I actually forgot about the whole incident. Fast forward to about age nine or ten; my cousin from my father’s side came to live with us. She was about four years older than me. We got along a lot and almost did everything together. Anytime we played, I remember letting her insert her fingers in my private part and sometimes too, I did same to her. It continued for a while. My mom was the strict type, so I couldn’t open up to her like I was supposed to. As little as I was, my mom thought I was sleeping around and was always ready to beat me.

I found solace in my cousin and rather told her my problems. She was the first person I ran to when I first menstruated. I knew a lot at age 11 concerning sex, even though I had not done it before. Well, I’m sure it’s the type of friends I made in school. I had a boyfriend all this while, but we never did anything sexual. Eventually, I lost my virginity at age 13. The sad thing I told my self was, I have done well; at least, I’m 13 and all those around me had done it, so what was I waiting for?

31-12-08 to 1-01-2009: I gave it all to my then ‘serious boyfriend’. From there, I had a series of relationships; most of them, I would go in with my all but along the line, I would say what if he cheats? Why don’t I add another one in case…. After high school, I had slept with about 20 men. I went to tertiary and had about six different relationships, which all led to sex. I don’t know if it was desperation or I was just being plain stupid. I really crave for love but I’m mostly left or I leave. I had so much pride in me that, I would rather replace you than to apologize or talk things out.

Those that I was willing to apologize to also didn’t want me anymore. At age 26, I had a body count of 40 sexual partners, with five abortions to my credit. Three out of the five abortions were for a married man. Tell me, am I not stupid? As at now, I have a job; but even with that, I slept with my boss for it. I gathered courage and broke up with the married man but recently, we have gotten in contact because the guy I left him for is in the States and even that one kraa, I have slept with someone else with the aim that, the US guy won’t take me seriously. Unfortunately, the new guy doesn’t really seem to be serious about me or want anything. He’s scared I guess! I actually look organized, but deep down, I’m not.

The married man I was dating has started calling me and giving me attention again. The US guy has also started acting up because he claims since he went, we haven’t had video sex; mind you – he was here in July and we had a lot of sex. In all, I feel so lonely; I feel I have wasted my life and I feel I would never be loved genuinely. Am I desperate? I’m now working and my salary is okay. Apart from the married man, I have never really been asking for help from guys I date. I break down any time I remember how I have cheapened myself. I really crave for love, especially now that I feel I’m ready to forsake everything and start all over again. But how?

I always believed I am a strong person but sometimes, the strongest gets weak. I have always wanted to talk to people but I’ve got trust issues. I am sharing this here to get this horrible life and secret out of my chest. In all, I blame myself and my mom because honestly, she failed me and I pray I don’t ever fail my children if I ever have any. I want to be their best friend. I want my future kids to always come to me without fear, and I don’t want my children to repeat my mistakes. I pray for forgiveness all the time and I pray true love finds me; and when it does, hopefully, I would be able to see it clearly and give my all without messing it up.

Image Credit: Aviz