Tag: Sex

(Update) Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda:  It was good we spoke on Tuesday, Dave. I invited one of our friends who is a doctor to come to our house to perform a rapid HIV test on us. Our samples were collected and he mixed it with a special solution. We got our results in less than 40 minutes. My husband tested positive. I am negative so far. Initially, he was lying about not knowing his status but our friend had pushed further for the truth and he caved. A young student he’s been supporting and sleeping with exposed him to it. She contracted it from her boyfriend on Legon campus.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did the student find out about her status?

Belinda: According to my husband, she was hospitalized for almost two weeks in January of 2025. He initially thought she was pregnant but she was sick with PCP pneumonia, which was how they found out and got him to also test. He was negative. He showed us the result from 2025. The doctor made me understand it’s a possibility that the virus developed later without him realizing it.

DBM: What’s next? Are you planning on arranging for a confirmatory test to be done to rule out the chances of you contracting the virus?

Belinda: Yes. In 4 months.

DBM: B, I’m terribly sorry

Belinda: The diagnosis is a surprise to me, especially knowing I have never stepped outside of our relationship and marriage. This is all on him. What he has done has affected any prospect of a future together. I will keep you updated in few months.

DBM: Good luck!

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

Sock Dump

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Belinda: David

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Eish! Belinda, what are you doing in my inbox? Lol!

Belinda: Dave, it’s not a laughing matter

DBM: What’s up?

Belinda: Are you posting this chat?

DBM: It depends on you, B. If you don’t want it made public, I can respect that.

Belinda: Post me anonymously

DBM: Sure. Sup?

Belinda: My husband, for the past year and a half has been pulling out during sex to ejaculate. He has so many pair of socks at home that he discharges into.

DBM: That’s weird!

Belinda: That’s what I was also saying. It’s weird

DBM: You’ve talked to him about it to seek his true reasons for doing what he’s doing?

Belinda: I have, D. His excuse is that his semen is no longer as cloudy and milky-white with its gel-like consistency.

DBM: What has that got to do with cum dump?

Belinda: D, we’re done having children and I have been putting in the effort to avoid accidental conception.

DBM: Before the year and a half intercourse with his socks, was he practicing the withdrawal method?

Belinda: No. Everything was in fact, normal. We’ve not gotten pregnant since our last child was born in 2019.

DBM: That’s strange.

Belinda: He doesn’t realize that single act also prevents me from being satisfied. I don’t know what to do

DBM: Uh-uh! We ain’t having that. You need to make him understand that unless he’s willing to reach his climax inside of you, you will not allow him anywhere near your inner cushion.

Belinda: He’s so careful not to even pre-cum mistakenly in me

DBM: What is he hiding from you then?

Belinda: What do you mean?

DBM: B, I think you and your husband should get tested

Belinda: For what?

DBM: I don’t know but he’s hiding something. It could be a harmless act to withhold his ejaculate but it would be better to be on the safer side.

Belinda: I caught him in an affair once and chose to forgive him because he promised not to ever disappoint me like that. That was the one affair I know happened in 2018 and he mended his cheating ways.

DBM: He has to be a man who truly reverences GOD, has respect for you and his marriage to you, to want to mend his cheating ways. A considerable number of men who cheat, unfortunately, do not stop no matter the consequences. I am basing my conclusion on the numerous interactions I have had with so many men. Your husband probably continued to lie, cover up and keep secrets from you. If ever you had doubts about his character, he still would admit only to partial truths simply to rationalize and justify his behavior. Something is up with him B, and you’re not overreacting by being concerned.

Belinda: We will go and get tested.

Image Credit: Ketut Subiyanto

I Need A Drink

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Ranger: Hi David. Quick question. Is it every conversation you have in your inbox that you post publicly?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey Kwasi. How are you doing? No! Majority of the people who reach out to me would later ask me not to post their chat with me, and I always respect that. Why do ask?

Ranger: I’m not sure if I would want mine shared publicly

DBM: That’s okay!

Ranger: Are you sure it wouldn’t bother you?

DBM: It wouldn’t be a problem.

Ranger: You said you’re not a counselor?

DBM: I’m not a counselor.

Ranger: My wife just asked me to take a side chick and bang with no emotional attachment.

DBM: What was her reason?

Ranger: She wants me to offer my easygoing, fun and no expectations version of myself to that other woman because she (my wife) expects a lot from me and I’m always complaining she’s too rigid. Dave, my wife no longer craves for my dick like I crave for her pussy.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Ranger: 7 years.

DBM: You have children?

Ranger: 2

DBM: So, you need an escape?

Ranger: What do you mean?

DBM: An escape from the chores and responsibilities of being a husband and father to two young kids?

Ranger: You’re missing the point

DBM: What’s the point?

Ranger: What goes with a meal?

DBM: Water

Ranger: My meals usually go with a drink. I need a drink, Dave.

DBM: Well, your wife is giving you the go-ahead to get a drink, no? They will play their roles to the T. Go get ‘em’.

Ranger: My wife is up to something. That’s what I’m thinking.

DBM: Your wife discovered your true character in due time, and may have made peace with it. That’s what I’m thinking.

Ranger: I don’t understand

DMB: Ask yourself why you have gotten to this stage in your marriage where she is very comfortable giving less of herself to you than you deserve? She knows you’re already cheating on her and are deserving of less than her best. She’s not interested in being an accessory to your lies and infidelity. Reason why she’s enabling you to go have a drink or two out there.

Ranger: I had just one affair, one, and she doesn’t even know about it.

DBM: Okay!

Ranger: Can you post so I know what people think of my issue?

Image Credit: Didsss

If Dogs Run Free

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Obed: One of my greatest nightmares just happened to me. My 10yr old son walked in on his mother and I having sex.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): The bedroom door wasn’t locked?

Obed: I thought I locked it.

DBM: Was the bedroom door locked?

Obed: No. I was slightly tipsy but I swear I closed it.

DBM: How much of everything did he see?

Obed: That’s the problem, we do not know how long he had been standing there.

DBM: How is your relationship like with him?

Obed: We’re close but he’s very close to his mother.

DBM: What was his reaction?

Obed: He looked confused and in shock. His mouth was wide open. And I think he had a hard-on

DBM: He was turned on? I don’t believe you. How is a kid turned on by his mother’s nakedness?

Obed: Believe me David. His junk was upstanding and hard.

DBM: Oh la-la!

Obed: I know, it’s bad

DBM: What was your reaction?

Obed: I yelled at him of course, and I was a bit furious.

DBM: But why? Yelling at him only makes the situation weirder for him. When was this?

Obed: Saturday

DBM: And at what time did this happen?

Obed: I’d say, around 12:30 am

DBM: So, he should have been asleep by then?

Obed: Yes and no.

DBM: Meaning?

Obed: The weekends are usually left for them play and sleep at any time.

DBM: So, at what time do they go to bed on Saturdays?

 

Obed: 12ish

DBM: They stay up late doing what?

Obed: Watching TV, cartoons, movies or playing video games

DBM: How many kids do you have?

Obed: 3

DBM: Was he the only one in sight watching the freak show?

Obed: Yes

DBM: Were the other kids asleep by then?

Obed: We didn’t check but he was the only one standing in the doorway. These questions feel like I’m in kindergarten.

DBM: So, there is a probability they might have also witnessed it but chose not to stay, no?

Obed: I don’t think they were awake.

DBM: Have you spoken to your son about Saturday’s incident?

Obed: Not yet. I don’t think I would.

DBM: Why not?

Obed: I don’t know where to start. Lol. Also, he’s a boy. He will grow up to understand what’s up for men.

DBM: Does your household have any sort of established boundaries that allow for say, privacy?

Obed: Yes. They know they’re supposed to knock on our bedroom door before entering.

DBM: You can start a conversation with him from there. You need to know why he overstepped that boundary.

Obed: My wife thinks we shouldn’t talk to him about it because he’s going to forget about it

DBM: Forget about what? Have you two not been 10-year-olds before? Do you honestly think he’s going to forget about what he knows he saw?

Obed: What should be the best approach?

DBM: Has he said anything about it since?

Obed: No

DBM: He’s not asked what you two were doing?

Obed: No. Lol

DBM: He’s not acting weird, withdrawn, quiet, etc.?

Obed: Something felt off yesterday when we were driving to church. They’re usually active and talking or disturbing us but all three were very well mannered and quiet in the car.

DBM: Those kids, saw every nasty thing you did to their mother.

Obed: You are not making this any easier on me, Dave

DBM: You need to sit all three down.

Obed: Lol

DBM: You keep laughing, what’s funny? They understand what sex is, no?

Obed: I think so

DBM: Have you broached that topic to them?

Obed: Not yet

DBM: Do you think they know what sex is?

Obed: Yes.

DBM: You need to explain to them your need for privacy. In fact, let’s role-play: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. That’s ridiculous

DBM: Were you having sex with mummy?

Obed: Lol. Dave, drop it. Let’s get serious

DBM: Daddy, what were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Lol. Let it go. Lol

DBM: Daddy

Obed: Yes

DBM: What were you doing to mummy?

Obed: Your mother and I were having sex

DBM: Eeeew!

Obed: Roland, why didn’t you knock on the door before opening it?

DBM: But daddy, your door wasn’t locked.

Obed: Dave, what am I supposed to say if indeed the bedroom door wasn’t locked?

DBM: You need to take responsibility if you forgot to locked the door.

Obed: Wow. This parenting thing is no joke.

DBM: You need to also apologize for yelling at him.

Obed: I will not do that. He should have known better

DBM: No, you should have known better.

Obed: Please don’t act shocked at what I am about to say next

DBM: Oo-oh! What did you do?

Obed: It wasn’t their mother I was having sex with

DBM: Huh?

Obed: We’re separated and in the process of filing for divorce

DBM: I don’t care about that. Who were you having sex with?

Obed: My girlfriend

DBM: And, he had to witness that?

Obed: Hmm

DBM: Do they know this lady?

Obed: No

DBM: Where are the kids now?

Obed: With their mother. They came to spend the weekend with me

DBM: And you couldn’t suspend a meet-up with your girlfriend to spend time with your children?

Obed: It wasn’t a planned thing

DBM: Your son is not psychologically prepared for such a responsibility to be carrying the weight of what you have subjected him to. Have you informed his mother about what happened?

Obed: No

DBM: When do you intend telling her?

Obed: Do I have to?

DBM: What is the one experience you wish you could give to your son?

Obed: I don’t understand your question.

DBM: How old are you?

Obed: 38

Image Credit: REAFON GATES

Before The Next Teardrop Falls

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Osei: Who would have thought I’d be one of those anonymous people in your inbox. Listen to this crazy stuff; the wife of my wife’s boss sent me an email. First, she reached out to me on LinkedIn. I didn’t know who she was. 15 minutes after accepting her request, I got an email from her. She had found out recently that her husband and my wife had a joint bank account. They each made payments from their benefits into this one account and trusted each other to withdraw from it as and when need be.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): That’s weird. How much is in the account?

Osei: I don’t know but she shared a copy of a receipt her husband accidentally forgot to throw away in one of his trousers while doing his laundry. He had withdrawn Ghs 15,500. She mentioned a day and date her husband had traveled to work on a project, and it coincidentally was the same date my wife had to attend a friend’s funeral for days. Dave, my wife and I are pretty much open and honest with each other and I wouldn’t be able to recall a single day that we’ve had to argue about money.

DBM: You confronted your wife, no?

Osei: I did. She did not talk about the account but rather her high and intense sex drive that, according to her, I have a challenge being able to fulfill her needs.

DBM: I don’t understand.

Osei: Longevity during sex and my d*ck size.

DBM: Are you aware of this concern she has of you?

Osei: Dave, unless she’s been faking sexual satisfaction with me all these years, then no.

DBM: Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

Osei: Very much

DBM: Have you ever asked her if she enjoys having sex with you?

Osei: I think so. She used to praise me

DBM: Ha!

Osei: That’s just even the crust of the issue. We all agreed she was having an affair with her boss. What I found shocking was when she began sharing her fantasies with me. Fantasies I knew nothing about. She and her boss had been exploring group sex. They had had threesomes where she was the only woman in the room, and she loved it. She also said having sex with two men at the same time is what sets her skin on fire.

DBM: I’m going to ask you a few random questions. Don’t ask me why. Just give a yes or no response. Can you?

Osei: Yes

DBM: When you were dating your wife, was she the only woman you were being intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: After you got married, has she been the only woman you’re intimate with?

Osei: No

DBM: Okay! Please continue with your story

Osei: I asked her how long it had been going on and she said three years.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Osei: 9 years

DBM: I see

Osei: Then she asked me if I would consider exploring these desires with her and her boss, instead of her always having to sneak around? She also said she was getting tired of hiding her fantasies from me and wanted it to be a part of our intimacy.

DBM: That’s a lot to take in

Osei: That bitch looked me in the eye last week and told me she knows and can predict every beat of my sex life like an overplayed Diana Hamilton song on UTV. How can a wife tell her husband he is boring in bed and that has created a gnawing itch that no one man, no matter how much he loves her, can satisfy?

DBM: How old is your wife?

Osei: 40

DBM: How old are you?

Osei: 44

DBM: You have kids?

Osei: Yes, three girls. Why were you asking if I was cheating on my wife?

DBM: Before I answer your question, let me ask a question: had you and your wife discussed boundaries before or after marriage?

Osei: What do you mean by boundaries?

DBM: Everything you both dislike or can never forgive on the table to see if there is any potential to go forward with the relationship.

Osei: No

DBM: I have a theory that, in-as-much as a higher percentage of men feel they don’t share their side of stories related to why they’re not happy in their marriages, men are still the very people choosing to break their own homes. Exhibit A is found in your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses to my questions. And, it’s not just you. Every man I have ever spoken to – whose wife is cheating or making him feel like he’s going through a whole lot of hell with her, had been cheating on his wife first. They will not readily accept this fact but that is the unfortunate truth.

Osei: Every man I know cheats. It’s normal. Dave, are you trying to tell me you don’t cheat?

DBM: I am trying to tell you your wife is currently seeking the hands of her boss and total strangers secretly, because you stopped exploring the woman she is, and already have at home.

Osei: But did she have to cheat back?

DBM: Did you sit her down to discuss the desires tempting you to explore with other women? If I ever should consider cheating on my partner, I would talk before I cheat.

Osei: You know I’m heading straight for a divorce with her confession?

DBM: I honestly don’t think you should be extremely mad at her. When you’re out there sleeping with other people, which part of you makes you feel like what you’re doing is as bad as how your wife’s actions are suddenly making you feel?

Osei: I don’t think you should be defending her adultery.

DBM: I am not in support of her actions. You are choosing not to understand what I’m drawing your attention to. You have not been upfront and honest about everything you have been up to. You’ve been hiding and erasing your own bad behavior – and pretending to be closed off with your feelings. Women can do bad all by themselves if you lead them into their crazy with your crazy.

Osei: I wasn’t expecting to hear anything different from you

DBM: Men never cease to amaze me! We start a game without first bothering to read its manual. You break your marriage and wait for the partner to catch up to help you do the work for you. We knowingly or unknowingly force people we claim we love to assume responsibilities for tasks and chaos we create in our own marriages. A man will whine about accountability yet hate to be accountable. No wonder wives of today are choosing to stay in touch with their intuition and err on the side of caution.

Osei: We all know you’re biased when it comes to these whores of another gender.

DBM: Your wife is experiencing a sexual awakening and starving for mass sex. Her hunger is making her want to be gulped, adulated and fucked senselessly. Go figure!

Osei: Do you know why I came to your inbox?

DBM: Why?

Osei: I needed someone to just hear me out and empathize with me.

DBM: I hear you; I really do.

Osei: You don’t. You’re rather attacking me.

DBM: Listen, ma guy, you cannot just will happiness in marriage to happen or hope that if you continue playing enough mind-games on your wife, something will give. Your marriage is struggling, and you can attest to that. You cannot control your wife’s actions. She cannot control yours. What you both have control over is what you choose to do and how you choose to accept, forgive or manage the other’s behavior. That is marriage for you. There is always something to work on.

Osei: My marriage is practically over. I cannot forgive something like this. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally.

DBM: That’s understandable.

Osei: Come to think of it, anytime she returned home from a trip, she was in a happy mood, which was significantly improving the atmosphere at home and thought was lessening the tension between us.

DBM: Welcome to illicit sexual encounter. Everything you just described is exactly what you also bring home after returning from one of your side-chick sessions.

Osei: Bye.

Image Credit: Mikhail Nilov

Still A Virgin

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 2 Comments

Veliane: Dave

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hi

Veliane: Are you free?

DBM: For now, yeah! How are you?

Veliane: I’m great. Yourself?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.

Veliane: What’s your take on virginity?

DBM: You’re a virgin?

Veliane: I am

DBM: How old are you?

Veliane: 39

DBM: Oh nice! Congratulations!

Veliane: Lol

DBM: I’m serious.

Veliane: It doesn’t feel like a great feat to attain

DBM: What makes you say that?

Veliane: I’m still single. Lol!

DBM: And, that’s also okay

Veliane: Ok, while my biological clock ticks by the day?

DBM: Would you rather be having sex with people you’re not really sure about?

Veliane: I’ve been sure about a couple of guys I’ve dated in the past. Not giving in to their desire to be intimate with me broke us up.

DBM: You mind me asking why you’re holding on to your virginity?

Veliane: I want to experience sex only in marriage.

DBM: And, do you tell these guys your reason when they demand for sex?

Veliane: Yes

DBM: Do you feel pressured to have sex when in a serious relationship?

Veliane: All the time.

DBM: It’s a good thing to strongly understand your own desires. You should be proud of the fact that you have chosen to be true to yourself and not give in to the unnecessary pressures just to blend in.

Veliane: So, what really is your take on virginity?

DBM: I don’t think a woman’s value should be tied to her sexual innocence or lack thereof. Your body is your own and no one should have ownership over it except for you. Similarly, your body should not be controlled or delimited – as if it were a societal commodity.

Veliane: I agree with you.

DBM: If you feel like preserving it for the right person, preserve it for the right person.

Veliane: Since you’re a man, can you explain why men make a big deal out of sex when they’re in a relationship with us?

DBM: First off, it’s not every man that would make a big deal out of sex. I love sex when I want to have sex, but I am not crazy about sex. And then there are the others that only find that sense of peace and homecoming when a woman they’re attracted to, takes them all in – into her body. Men want to be wanted. Men want to be seen. Men want to be touched. Men want to be held. Men want their hearts and souls to be safe in your hands. Sex to a man is that safe space where he can trust your environment enough to take refuge in. We glory in that opening to find relaxation inside of you. Sex with a willing partner feels like we are intentionally being cared for. And that, we sometimes interpret as love.

Veliane: Can a man also feel loved in a relationship without sex?

DBM: In a relationship, sure; in marriage, I don’t think so. It takes a lot of courage, time and maturity for a man to want to settle down with you in a marriage. If he can be that vulnerable to want to choose you to be that partner, he is willing to do the rest of his life with, then you should be open to accepting and receiving all of his vulnerabilities. Sex with you is one of those.

Veliane: Some of my friends who are married discuss in our group pages that their husbands don’t give them orgasm. What if I marry or have sex and I don’t get to experience that ultimate satisfaction?

DBM: I think orgasms are cool but should it be the main reason why we have sex? No! I’d rather focus on experiencing that feel of trust and safety in a partner I am intimate with. That should be more satisfying, I think. If I am safe with someone, I am pleased. If I feel like I can trust someone, my heart will be at peace.

Veliane: Is sex outside of marriage a sin?

DBM: Sex is a choice you make, whether in marriage or outside of it. If you’re not engaging in sex because of your faith, then continue to choose GOD over sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you’re willing to experience sex, then be willing to lose that faith you have held so dear to your heart your entire life. Religion should not make you feel damaged or broken, if you choose not to remain a virgin until marriage. Your worth as a woman, is so much more than just a hymen.

Veliane: How do I make a man understand and not feel rejected when I refuse them sex in a relationship?

DBM: You do not owe any man who is not married to you, sex or even fidelity. You choose to want to honor them in both ways. You need to first believe in that, and others would. When you value what you stand for, they ought to tag along if they have an iota of respect for you. Because they’d listen and hear your no and its reasons, and would have to appreciate your boundaries. A man who genuinely, is that much into you would value your opinions about sex. He would know that you respect yourself enough to not want to tolerate anything less than you deserve. If he is deserving of you, he wouldn’t suggest or do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable in the relationship. What you will and will not accept should be that clear to him, right from the onset. You need to feel whole, with or without the approval of men.

Veliane: Sometimes, I get very sad when they go silent on me because of that.

DBM: When a man suddenly doesn’t think you’re worth pursuing anymore, it doesn’t matter; because you know you are worth pursuing, regardless.

Veliane: Dave, are you a counselor?

DBM: I am not. I am just passionate about certain things.

Veliane: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Image Credit: RDNE Stock project

Deacon Muna

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Participant: Dave, my name is Munachimso. Can we chat?

DBM: Hi Muna. What’s up?

Muna: I’m not sure who I am.

DBM: How are you doing?

Muna: Fine. You?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Sup?

Muna: I know I’m a man, and a Christian. I am a deacon in church. I want to embrace my sexuality and also enjoy a gratifying relationship. I’ve been trying to figure out my orientation but I don’t know what to believe about myself anymore. I don’t know whether I’m straight, gay or something else. Romantically, I’m attracted to men. Sexually, I’m attracted to both men and women. I’ve experimented sex with both men and women and each excites me differently. Unfortunately, the sex I want to engage in the most has a lot of shame and stigma surrounding it.

DBM: How old are you?

Muna: 37 years

DBM: The sex you want to engage in the most is which type?

Muna: Men

DBM: You know that the way we feel about people or something today may be different than what we may feel, say, a year from now?

Muna: Yes. Believe me, I’ve laid awake at night wishing that I really could pray the gay away.

DBM: Why is that?

Muna: The gay stigma, Dave

DBM: It’s not that easy to grasp in depth your true feelings if you ignore them. As a human being, you ought to allow yourself enough room to feel your feelings.

Muna: I know

DBM: Have you been in a committed relationship before?

Muna: Yes

DBM: With men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: For how long?

Muna: My last relationship was with a man. We were together for a year. I’ve also dated a woman for two years in the past.

DBM: You loved them?

Muna: I did

DBM: Were you in love with them?

Muna: I was

DBM: Why did the relationship end?

Muna: She found out I was messing around with my last relationship and broke up with me. I took advantage of the breakup to date him. My relationship with him didn’t work out because we were entertaining other dudes on the side.

DBM: Are you dating now?

Muna: I am entertaining a few conversations

DBM: Men or women?

Muna: Both

DBM: Which of the individuals you’re conversing with are you that much into?

Muna: I’m intimate with both, so I cannot be sure. But I enjoy being with them.

DBM: What do you feel for the guy?

Muna: I like him. I respect him; I like calling and talking to him. I love laughing at his stupid jokes. I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with him.

DBM: How about the lady?

Muna: She brings out the best qualities in me, she would be a good mother if we’re to have any kids. She’s a positive influence in my life.

DBM: Do they know there’re two of them competing for your attention?

Muna: The man knows and does not mind. He understands that’s how it works.

DBM: That’s how what works?

Muna: If you want to achieve an ideal of normalcy. He is married to a woman

DBM: Are you straight?

Muna: I don’t think so

DBM: So, why are you trying anything that might make you straight?

Muna: Naija we dey, bro!

DBM: Are you bisexual?

Muna: I probably might be

DBM: But are you?

Muna: I’m not sure

DBM: Until you learn how to stand your ground in this society; until you learn how to pause, reflect to check-in with your authentic self to know who you really are, others will decide it for you.

Muna: I don’t want to be known as the ‘homosexual’

DBM: You’re a human being, a person. And you can identify as a man without societal labels.

Muna: Hmmm!

DBM: Make time to look at who you become when no one is watching

Muna: I know I’m going to have to deal with it. I get that

DBM: I doubt you get it. What you feel and what you do with a man or woman doesn’t make it any less valid an experience. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong with your choices. It doesn’t mean you’re confused. Are you confused?

Muna: No!

DBM: You know exactly what you’re doing and what you want in life, no?

Muna: I do

DBM: What do you want?

Muna: Someone who can make me feel special and safe

DBM: So, when you close your eyes right now and imagine yourself with a potential partner, do you see a specific gender?

Muna: Yes

DBM: Is it with a male or female?

Muna: A man.

DBM: Okay!

Muna: You think it’s, okay?

DBM: I think that’s your identity for the moment. Everything you believe you are. Everything you know, deep down, that you think about. Everything you feel and strongly believe. That is you, Muna.

Muna: I’ve been seeing a therapist for my depression.

DBM: You will get there. It’s just going to take a bit of time

Muna: But I’m still struggling to feel at ease being anything other than heterosexual

DBM: This fear can limit your ability to live to the fullest. You know that, no?

Muna: Yeah! It’s the shame of being gay that is holding me back

DBM: Shame can also be a sign of strength.

Muna: How does that work?

DBM: Feeling shame sometimes unearths our understanding and gives us the ability to actually connect with others

Muna: Last question

DBM: Please ask

Muna: How about what the Bible says about homosexuality?

DBM: I have not read the Bible in its entirety, but this is what I know, your life as a gay Christian man should not be filled with any different kind of fear, guilt or shame – that would discourage you to keep your unique experience with the grace of GOD upon your life to yourself. Do better and stop sleeping around.

Muna: My dick can be content sometimes with the right person but my heart isn’t most of the time. That’s why I am unable to stop.

DBM: It should matter to you who you put your rod and staff into.

Muna: Yeah!

DBM: Find someone you can be true to and be your authentic self around him or her.

Muna: I want to be in a serious relationship but some of these people the moment you start exchanging the I love you too feelings, they start to make you feel like a freak for desiring and wanting them sexually. I love sex. That’s why most men cheat. We’re not getting much of it in the relationships that are supposed to keep us happy and fulfilled. Work is stressful enough. Sex with outsiders can be a stress reliver. I am in my whoring phase till the shine wears off.

DBM: Even if it means being reckless with the feelings of people you know ultimately, may end up being that much into you?

Muna: Lol!

DBM: Explain your understanding and feelings about sex to me?

Muna: Let me use this simple analogy. I love to travel a lot. And though I love where I currently live, I often get sick and bored of the same old place. I know the routes and routines of the neighborhood and even the city. Same old everything, day in, day out. Meanwhile, there are fun places outside my neighborhood and city to visit. Fun places outside the country to see something new, eat something new, feel something new, do something new for a change. Do you have an idea how rich my experiences would be if I visited more places?

DBM: I don’t think any serious man or woman should cling to whatever crumbs of emotion an unavailable man is willing to throw their way – whenever they decide to check on them because they’re lonely and horny. People deserve people who want to stay.

Muna: I want to stay but people have to also learn to accepts those of us who love sex a lot. They should learn to deal with it and even perhaps, use it to their own advantage.

Image Credit: Mike Jones 

Let’s Talk To Shalom

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 175: I am Shalom

DBM: Hello Shalom. How would you describe yourself?

Shalom: A man who loves to take himself off on a little sexual odyssey. I give my body the fun it deserves and nothing is suppressed.

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Shalom: 5

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Shalom: My wife found disturbing videos on my phone and I am not sure what she’s going to do with what she knows

DBM: How disturbing are the videos?

Shalom: Porn

DBM: She will get over it

Shalom: Gay porn

DBM: Are you gay?

Shalom: No!

DBM: So, why that kind of material?

Shalom: I was just curious

DBM: Tell her that

Shalom: She wouldn’t believe me

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: She read my conversations with a few guys

DBM: Friends?

Shalom: Kind-of

DBM: Okay?

Shalom: Friends with benefits

DBM: Sexual benefits?

Shalom: Yeah

DBM: How long have you been doing this?

Shalom: A while

DBM: Put a number to the ‘while’

Shalom: Nine to 10 years, maybe

DBM: How long have you been married?

Shalom: I cannot say

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I’m just being careful with what I say. My wife or her friends may chance on this, and can put two-and-two together

DBM: Do you use protection when having sexual intercourse with men?

Shalom: Sometimes

DBM: How often is ‘sometimes?’

Shalom: Not that often

DBM: How many men have you slept with this year?

Shalom: About 6 or 7

DBM: Random people or these are guys you know?

Shalom: I know three. The rest are just hookups here and there

DBM: How many women, aside your wife, have you slept with this year?

Shalom: My wife is the only woman I sleep with

DBM: A straight guy, sleeping with just his wife but has been with 6 to 7 men this year? How fascinating do you think this is?

Shalom: I crave to be with men sometimes, but it doesn’t make me gay

DBM: You really want to know what I’m thinking?

Shalom: Yeah!

DBM: You have intentionally stolen the life your wife could have had with a straight man who would love on only her.

Shalom: I understand what you’re saying, but I really love my wife. The guys I meet are all straight. They’re married with families too. It doesn’t make us gay

DBM: If you say so

Shalom: Gays develop emotional attachments with the same sex. We’re just interested in the sex and physical contact. Nothing more

DBM: One of my high-school mates, Julian, always claims, he is not a crack addict, even though he smokes crack almost every day, and cannot function without it.

Shalom: It’s not the same

DBM: How about this, ‘I am not a surgeon but I have performed 6 to 7 surgeries this year”

Shalom: I am a straight man, married to the woman of my life. What you’re also not understanding is that, women generally, are for stability. Men are for sex

DBM: You’re not being fair to your wife. You’re not being honest with yourself

Shalom: I take very good care of my wife

DBM: Then why are you bothered she’s figured you out?

Shalom: I need someone to talk to

DBM: Talk to your wife. She’s the best person to reason with

Shalom: She will not understand me

DBM: I do not understand you either. You’ve eaten a whole lot of meat this year alone, yet you think yourself to be vegetarian?

Shalom: Why do you want me to accept something I am telling you I am not?

DBM: I am not forcing you to accept anything. I’m just drawing your attention to the fact that; you are an intricate tapestry woven from the threads of denial and love. And I feel awful for your wife. Any wife would feel disgusted and devastated by their husbands doing this

Shalom: Even though I am doing everything a man has to do to keep his wife and children happy?

DBM: What you are doing is extremely selfish

Shalom: I know

DBM: And dangerous

Shalom: I am not harming anyone

DBM: Are you getting tested?

Shalom: Of what?

DBM: STI’s

Shalom: I’m good

DBM: Being single is equally a good option. You know that, no?

Shalom: I want to stay married

DBM: Good for you

Shalom: How do I go about my situation?

DBM: Sincerity is best served with the truth. Tell your wife the truth. This also means you take her feelings seriously

Shalom: I can’t tell her the whole truth

DBM: Why not?

Shalom: I just can’t

DBM: Again, you’re solely responsible for your behavior, and the fact that you’re choosing to downplay the situation at hand – says it all.

Shalom: Do you believe she can forgive me?

DBM: The pain experienced when hurt by our loved ones take time to heal.

Shalom: Hmm!

DBM: Also, since it’s just ‘sex’ that you guys are into, know that your sexual partners have sexual partners, who also have their own sets of sexual partners. The circle keeps drawing till one of you infects the circle with a deadly disease.

Shalom: I regret that she had to find out this way

DBM: It may take her time to wrap her head around this. Everyone heals at their own pace

Shalom: Thanks for your time

DBM: Participant 174, AJ, left a question for you: ‘Who benefits in marriage the most… men or women?’

Shalom: I believe marriage just shows up for men while women are conditioned from a very young age to aspire to get married and have children. A woman will always be an available commodity a man can easily find when he is ready to settle down.

DBM: So, who benefits the most?

Shalom: The man. The game is fixed in our favor, no matter what

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Shalom: What makes you scream and cum, melting you into a puddle of nothingness?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Daniel Torobekov

Let’s Talk To Sipho and Annika

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 149a: Sipho

Participant 149b: My name is Annika

DBM: Hello Sipho and Annika. How would you describe yourselves?

Sipho: A very sensual man

Annika: Blindly loyal to those I love and care about

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Sipho: 9.5

Annika: 8

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Sipho: Me and my wife have been married for 17 years. We separated when we clocked the seventh year, and almost divorced on our 10th anniversary. The emotional connection was no longer there on her part, and I wasn’t getting sex from home. In fact, she wasn’t giving me any sex, so I had to get it from somewhere else. Our children became her priority, and I felt neglected and was ready to equally throw in the towel. I asked her one day if she wanted a divorce and she said no.

DBM: Why did you say no?

Annika: I took responsibility for my part in the failure of our relationship. I think that was what reformed the entire dynamic of our marriage.

DBM: What made you take this decision?

Annika: One of us had to change, and I was the unhappy spouse. I felt no one else could save my marriage but me.

DBM: Sir, did you want the marriage as at that time?

Sipho: Very much. We did not set out on this journey to be unhappy. Our marriage used to be so much fun when we used to agree with each other.

DBM: Mrs. what did you think you were doing wrong?

Annika: The way I talked to him, sometimes was bad. I blamed him a lot for so many things, it turned us away from each other. I had to learn how to turn towards him with a good attitude.

DBM: Before she stopped giving you sex to make you want it somewhere else, had you been cheating on your wife?

Sipho: No

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Sipho: What my wife couldn’t understand was that, I always wanted to have sex with her because I love her. It wasn’t just about sex. She cuddles for hours and fall asleep in my arms, and that, is love, and should be enough in her opinion. Not that I don’t like cuddling; I love to cuddle. A cuddle that leads to sex is love for me. I would touch her in a certain way, and suddenly would be too tired to follow through. My wife could have a headache for a week, all because she knew I wanted to have sex with her. I would touch her in the evenings and, ‘not tonight’ automatically comes out of her mouth. She was never ready for me when I was ready.

DBM: Was she at any given time initiating sex with you for a change?

Sipho: No

DBM: Why were you withholding sex from your husband?

Annika: I was hurt. Many of the times he wanted to be intimate with me, I was so upset with him to even imagine him touching me.

DBM: Do you think you want sex with your husband as much as he wants to be intimate with you?

Annika: Of course

DBM: How often do you have sex now in a week?

Annika: Almost the whole week

Sipho: Twice a week

DBM: Lol!

Annika: Twice, you say?

Sipho: Yes. Last week, we did it on Monday and Thursday. Have you forgotten?

DBM: Interesting 😊

Annika: It seemed more than that to me

DBM: You two are actually making me realize, men and women view the whole sex-frequency thing differently. Twice a week feels like seven days a week to you, while twice means just two times in a week for him. I want to know something: what does sex mean to you, individually?

Sipho: Dave, you really want to know?

DBM: Yes please

Sipho: If I see a towel wrapped around my wife, erection springs. If my hand accidentally brushes her butt, my penis is provoked. So, you can imagine what happens in my body when I see her come out of the shower naked?

DBM: Yes

Annika: Lol! That’s all you guys know

Sipho: It’s an appetite; a special kind of food I want to eat every day. I get hungry if I’m not fed sex. That is my finest way of connecting with my wife. It’s my love language. If I am to get the kind of sex I want with my wife, home will feel like home to me. I feel and experience true love through sex, regular sex I mean. Ask any man, and he will tell you something similar.

DBM: Mrs. it’s your turn

Annika: What you’re not also understanding from my part is, love isn’t always bodily measured. Sex is important to me too

Sipho: We went out on a date to celebrate our wedding anniversary. At the restaurant, I passed a lingerie under the table and signaled her to go change into it at the ladies’, my wife laughed and just put it in her purse.

Annika: Why would a woman my age do that? All you guys think about is sex

Sipho: Babes, all I think about is you. You matter to me

Annika: You matter to me too

Sipho: What do you want me to do to make you want me?

Annika: Nothing. I want you

DBM: Someone once told me,  ‘a cherished woman during the day is a cherished woman at night. If you truly make her feel supported, valued, respected, helped, she will show her value to you in ways that would please you too.’

Annika: Thank you!

Sipho: I know I try

Annika: I know you do

DBM: Participant 148, Reuben, left a question for you: ‘Do you have a pet? If yes, what would they say about you if they could talk?’

Annika: We have dogs and cats. If they could talk, I’d probably be their mummy. They love me and I love them too.

Sipho: I have a busy life, due to that, I easily get distracted, but I am close to my pets. They will tell you I am a good friend.

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Annika: My question is for you, Dave. I know you’re not a participant, but I want to know which church you fellowship with?

DBM:  I church online with The Maker’s House Chapel International

Annika: What sets them apart?

DBM: The church’s culture is love. Their structures work. They provide hope for the future. Their leadership lead with love. They are selfless and down to earth. The sermons preached are practical ways for one to live by faith. Last but not least, their music ministration and worship is to die for.

Sipho: My question to the next participant is, how do you evaluate success?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Zoey

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 140: My name is Zoey

DBM: Hi Zoey. How would you describe yourself?

Zoey: African woman

DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?

Zoey: 7

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Zoey: I am still finding it difficult to understand why in this day and age, it is a woman who has it so hard. I am dealing with my periods – the hormonal rise and fall, which influences numerous physical sensations and emotional shifts, which I experience for days before and after menstruation. The mood swings, those of us who bloat, get depressed, the fatigue, breast tenderness and the headaches – which sometimes would disrupt our daily routine. Dave, menstrual cramps sucks. I am always miserable during my period. Let me not even talk about pregnancy; the woman is feeling sick, tired and moody, and what is her husband thinking about? When he can have sex with you. I acknowledge that men go through their own struggles but sometimes, you guys are the reason why our marriages become overwhelming. My husband thinks I am not excited about him, but the truth is, I sometimes feel like I am dealing with everything on my own in this marriage, and this makes me feel isolated and resentful.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Zoey: Eight years, Dave. We have two kids

DBM: I see

Zoey: Society and men, indirectly put unrealistic expectations on how a woman should look like. Girls have to look pretty; such stereotype. Can you imagine my boss, a man, once walked to my office to suggest to me to wear ‘a little bit of make-up’? My husband had said same years back. Putting on make-up is too much work for me; it steals my time and it’s tiring to say the least. Why should I have stuff on my face before I am seen to be beautiful? Or in my boss’s words, ‘presentable to potential clients’. I mean, why?

DBM: It’s not down to your boss or husband to dictate your enhancing routine. It’s down to you

Zoey: I know, and I told my husband and boss the same thing, it’s my face. The same way I have no input on their decisions to build their bodies in the gym or ‘dress to kill’, I am in no way decorating my face to satisfy their curiosity.

DBM: Hmmm!

Zoey: Also, my husband thinks I don’t like having sex with him. Look, I respect the fact that his sexual desire is stronger than mine. With this knowledge in the backdrop, he’s supposed to SATISFY me during sex, so I can fall on the pleasure he brings me during sex – to increase my yearning for more. But no, man only wants to pound and last for 15 minutes or less, cum and then, sleep.

DBM: What feedback do you give him after sex?

Zoey: I tell him what he wants to hear

DBM: Like?

Zoey: Anything to make him feel he’s good in bed

DBM: And, is the ‘anything’ in this context the truth?

Zoey: No!

DBM: So, you’re the one enabling his mediocre performance

Zoey: I am not. A man is supposed to know what he’s supposed to do to make his woman feel fulfilled

DBM: But as a man, I would have preferred my partner rather being vocal and honest with me about how they truly feel during sex. How difficult is it for you to lovingly suggest what makes you happy or needs changing during intercourse?

Zoey: Men don’t listen

DBM: We do listen

Zoey: Not my husband.

DBM: Have you showed him how to please you? Because a real man, and husband would have a listening ear, and his aim would be only to please you. When it comes to sex, men work hard with the intention of pleasing. Because in our minds, if you’re satisfied, we will get the opportunity to repeat history all over again with you.

Zoey: Hmmm!

DBM: Your silence has consequences. The gaps he’s unable to fill also have its own consequences.

Zoey: I agree

DBM: Participant 139, Emmett, left a question for you: ‘Has something ever started out badly for you but in the end, was great?’

Zoey: No

DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant

Zoey: What would you think if your man spent more time on his looks than on you?

DBM: Thank you!

Image Credit: Heyy Kazz

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