REACH
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)
Participant 15: Regina.
DBM: Tell me anything about yourself
REGINA: I love the way I laugh, it’s unique and no one can laugh my laugh like how I do it. Those who know me easily know it’s me laughing when they hear it.
DBM: How long have you been married?
REGINA: 9 years.
DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?
REGINA: I wanted a man who is loyal. An unfaithful man during the course of a relationship is not my ideal marriage partner. Now, my husband is committed to me and only me, after what happened to the both of us. The man he has now become was the man I needed him to be when we connected on a sexual level and discussed exclusivity. Dave, there are beautiful women all over, but I wanted a man who understood that though lady B is hotter/beautiful/sexier than me, I still remained the only one woman he needed in his life. Now, I have become the woman I never wanted to be.
DBM: So, how did you two meet?
REGINA: He is friends with my friend. We met at her party, clicked and hooked up exclusively (no sex outside our connection) to fuck whenever we were horny.
DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?
REGINA: No. But we support each other.
DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?
REGINA: I don’t remember. We laugh but there is no particular incident that made him laugh out loud.
DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?
REGINA: I never got to that point with him. We are married because he infected me with HIV. It seemed simpler and felt wise to be married to a man who knows what living with HIV is like.
DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?
REGINA: He’s okay.
DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?
REGINA: I listen to formulate a response.
DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?
REGINA: Fairly okay.
DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?
REGINA: None. Our marriage happened because we thought coming together was going to help us fully understand the highs and lows of living with HIV, while we became each other’s support.
DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?
REGINA: Prior to getting married, it was the sex.
DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?
REGINA: I am not in love with my husband.
DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?
REGINA: No. We agreed to be exclusive when we met but he broke the agreement.
DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?
REGINA: I make time for him when I have time.
DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?
REGINA: No.
DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?
REGINA: I don’t know. We are married for a specific reason.
DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?
REGINA: Married and supporting each other.
DBM: What is your ideal sex life?
REGINA: Sex that doesn’t involve HIV.
DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)
REGINA: 8/10. He’s good.
DBM: What is your understanding of love?
REGINA: Love should be how I experience the essence of a person I care about, and how I avail myself for this same person to experience the real me.
DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?
REGINA: My husband loves me but I don’t have room in my heart to welcome it.
DBM: Are you a good spouse?
REGINA: I am just doing my part in this arrangement.
DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?
REGINA: Yes, many times, with other married men. I don’t chase after them, they chase me, and I give in if I am attracted to them. I am on treatment and I have an undetectable viral load, so I cannot pass my HIV on a negative man, even if no condoms are used.
DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:
REGINA: What you did to me changed me entirely; how I feel about my life was altered, the values I used to hold up high was impacted gravely; you caused me to change my relationship with those I cared about; I have still not come into terms with the fact that I am sick and have to monitor and treat myself daily in order for my health to not get worse. You deprived me of my dream to love a man I am in love with. I thought things would get easier with time but when I think of the fact that I am not happily married, the worries I feel, the seldom frights and all the mixed feelings of anger and getting upset with you, I don’t think I will ever love you as you think you have fallen in love with me.
Image Credit: RF Studio
