Same Bowl, Same Plate, Same Cup
Tamar: Mr. David, how are you doing? I recently got married. Eight months to be precise. My husband is a great guy and I am enjoying discovering the different corners of his heart that I never knew existed. I am excited about him and also about our marriage. Anytime I see him, I am happy. Anytime he holds my hand, I am happy. The fact that I also get to breathe in the same space with a man who makes it his priority to listen to me and be interested in what is on my mind, is one of the many blessings I am thankful to God for. He is the first man to ever love me this loud. My husband thinks of me and not just himself. I can go on and on about his great features.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well… Congratulations on your first eight months.
Tamar: Thank you. But there is one thing he’s been insisting we continue to do that is stressing me out. He wants us to always sit down and eat together from the same bowl or plate. Dave, we drink tea from the same cup, in turns. He takes his sip and then I take mine, till the cup is empty. We refill for round two because a cup of tea is meant for one. We share the same bread he’s eating during breakfast. Dave, before we married, I was used to eating at odd hours. I was eating when I was hungry. I can’t do that now as a married woman. I have to wait for him to be home before I eat dinner. We eat fufu from the same bowl; drink the soup from the same bowl. When I boil an egg for him, he takes the first bite before I eat my portion off the same egg. On weekdays, we eat breakfast and dinner together as always. On weekends, we do breakfast, lunch and supper from the same bowl or plate. At first, I thought it was romantic to have my husband sitting beside me just to be present in sharing a meal. Now, I am worried.
DBM: That is to the extreme, no?
Tamar: Dave, I am scared because it doesn’t make any sense to me when I think of it. And that is not all, he’s also scheduled the times we have to be having our meals at the dining table. We can’t touch our phones when it’s breakfast or dinner time. To him, these times together are the crucial moments for us to be bonding and making conversations. Some of the things he usually would want to talk about, I don’t want to talk about. I want to eat alone sometimes, and I can’t. I want to have my thoughts to myself while I chew on something, and I can’t.
DBM: What if you want to have lunch or dinner with a friend outside of the home?
Tamar: David, my husband has invited himself twice to an outing I had planned with two of my girlfriends. Yes, he shared my meal with me, from the same plate.
DBM: How about date nights, do you go out on dates with him?
Tamar: Yes. And we eat our meals together from the same plate.
DBM: I know you’ve mentioned how he treats you right and all, but what is his character generally like?
Tamar: He would be kind and loving of course, in public and be singing my glowing praise but I feel like he sometimes also plays mind games and be twisting my words when I complain about something he’s done that irritates me. He exaggerates a lot of the times and lies in-between conversations. When I challenge an argument I know he’s clearly lying about, he dances around the subject, beats about the bush or makes me feel like I’m the dumb one.
DBM: What is your inner witness telling you at this very moment?
Tamar: My intuition is telling me to be careful about him because he knows how to cover his tracks very well that I may someday, not be able to prove anything I would accuse him of. My husband would create a sickness in my name just to stay out of a work assignment he’s not interested in. Dave, he’s good to me on one hand, and a lot to handle in the other.
DBM: This, clearly is emotional abuse, in my opinion. Do you think your husband even knows he’s doing something wrong?
Tamar: My husband is the type who is always right. In his mind, he’s the leader steering our marital ship.
DBM: A man knows exactly what he does to others. Your husband is doing everything he’s doing to you on purpose.
Tamar: When we first met, I think we were four days in, he told me he had cheated on his last relationship and that was the reason why he was single. I trusted him because most guys aren’t that forthcoming with such information from their past.
DBM: Let me guess, it made you believe that no guy who is a liar would willingly volunteer such a skeleton out of his closet, no?
Tamar: Yes
DBM: Again, most men are up to no good, unfortunately. They know how to groom your mind and emotions with half-truths. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. They’re very calculating and cunning, and would sink you deep into their pretend vulnerabilities.
Tamar: But how would I have known? He told me I had such kind eyes and soft energy and aura. I felt seen.
DBM: Yeah! How old are you?
Tamar: 32
DBM: How old is he?
Tamar: 37
DBM: It’s called word salad. They know how to garnish with the right words and flavors for your attention. And before you know it, you want them to be talking to you every day. They have no boundaries when it comes to playing the field, moving from one woman target to another. You will inevitably be caught up in his drama.
Tamar: But he’s married me now
DBM: They have no boundaries. I am really hoping this marriage brings you happiness and not pain.
Tamar: You’re scaring me, Dave.
DBM: That’s not my intention.
Tamar: I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet.
DBM: Why not?
Tamar: I’m anxious about a lot of things going on, that I’m unable to put my finger on it
DBM: Find a support system that is willing to listen to you without judgement and would offer you a safe space to express your fears and emotions.
Tamar: Ok
Image Credit: Gustavo Fring
