Tag: Marriage

The Potency of A Cry

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Cyndi: I was married for 12 years. Seven out of those years I lived as a single married woman in a loveless relationship with my husband. My husband instead of being with me, learned so much about pleasing himself sexually with other women. He avoided sexual intimacy with me due to his higher sexual interest in other women. He had a lot of vulnerable conversations with other women. He created sexual memories with other women. One of his mistresses had the guts to call me on the phone to tell me she was the one who had instructed my husband not to be having sex with me because she considered that to be cheating on her.

To be very honest with you Dave, when I look back on our journey as husband and wife, there is no such thing as joy to recollect. Our love did not deepen with time. I don’t believe in prayer, effort or communication anymore. What wasn’t I willing to do to get my husband to work together with me to grow a good marriage? I don’t believe in giving up on something as important as marriage when it’s in its uphill season. No marriage is easy and I don’t expect couples to give up on themselves but my husband gave up on me when I needed us the most.

My husband was such a nice guy. I remember the day he asked me to marry him. I remember the first time he hugged me and told me how much he loved me. I remember all the promises he made to make me believe he would be the perfect man to raise a family with. He used to represent hope in my life. He used to represent love. He used to represent dreams that could come true. My dreams were all about him. About us. I thought our reality was going to be whatever we wanted it to be. Then I stumbled upon a text message on his phone from a girl he told me he used to date. We weren’t married by this time. They were still sleeping together though she was also dating another guy. Two years into our marriage, he started to clear his phone and computer’s browser history. He set new passwords on his mobile device while having access to mine. I had nothing to hide.

He began meeting with his mistresses late into the nights under the guise of having late-night work engagements. There were specific calls he would only take outside of the house. I couldn’t explain it but it was happening before my eyes. Then he started to unfairly criticize every minor thing I did that displeased him. He became short-tempered and snappy. Always appearing moody before eventually becoming distant. And cold towards me. He stopped posting loving messages and tributes to me on his social media because he did not want to upset a mistress. He confirmed my suspicions and I came to the conclusion that I was no longer going to commit to healing or rebuilding the relationship.

I started sleeping in our children’s room and I did that for six years. Dave, I was traumatized by his betrayal. I couldn’t trust him with the safety of my emotions. I told my parents and his parents. They tried to talk to him but he wasn’t willing to take responsibility for his actions. He even got angry at me for telling our families. He did not end the affair and was still in contact with her. His own sister, Dave, my sister-in-law o, had lunch with me one day and told me to do something drastic that she had done when her husband was having an affair. She asked me to strip myself naked at dawn, in my children’s room, lie on the floor and pour my heart out in tears. I did just as she had suggested and my 7-year-old son got up upon hearing me cry. He saw me naked on the floor and got scared and started to cry. He took his bedsheet and tried to keep me covered. His sheets covered my belly and my upper thighs, barely coving anything. He laid beside me, absolutely dead terrified of seeing his mother in tears and in pain. We cried till we both fell asleep.

My sister-in-law’s husband died three years ago. My husband was involved in a dreadful car accident. He doesn’t remember how it happened but eye witnesses say that there was a pot hole on the side of the road which caught the front side wheel of his car and span him into a ditch. They had to drag him out of the car because there was smoke. He was taken to the hospital and hasn’t been able to walk since. I filed for divorce and moved out of the house with the children, two days before he was discharged from the hospital. People are saying I am wicked for leaving my husband in his time of need. Nobody seems to remember how he abandoned me in our marriage for seven years. Now, I’m the bad guy?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Wait! I’ve actually heard about the bare-assed on the ground tactic. I know a lady who told me on three different occasions that she was going to curse her ex-husband at dawn like that. She wasn’t able to bring herself into doing it because she couldn’t look past her little boys becoming fatherless. But she told me about the process.

Cyndi: Dave, it’s a dangerous curse.

DBM: I don’t believe in curses

Cyndi: I do, and it works. Its potency lies in a bloodline invoking it. My husband’s blood sister told me to lock it in. My husband’s biological son cried with me because he felt my pain, though he could not yet understand nor explain with words. Every child cry for a reason. And when we cry, the voice of our blood cries out to the universe from the ground. Some combined tears represent a demand for justice, retribution, and vengeance against people.

DBM: How long did it take before your husband’s accident?

Cyndi: 7 months.

DBM: How about your sister-in-law’s late husband?

Cyndi: 3 months. Her husband’s sister told her to invoke the curse. Her daughter woke up from her sleep to join her mother cry. Her husband died in his sleep three months later.

DBM: What is your relationship like with his sister now?

Cyndi: We’re very close friends. When the news of her brother’s accident got to her, she told me she didn’t realize the wages of his sins would paralyze him, since hers resulted in death.

DBM: When you were naked on the floor, what did you pray about?

Cyndi: It wasn’t a prayer. I was complaining to God. It was more of my regret and waste of time in a marriage that wasn’t serving me. I cried all the hurt, pain, betrayal, embarrassment and heartbreak on the floor, and slept on it.

DBM: Who is taking care of your husband?

Cyndi: His mother and father. His sister tells me everyday is a battle for him but he has his parents around.

DBM: Are you divorced?

Cyndi: No, but we are separated.

Image Credit: Dihandrea

Doing The Most

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Growing my natural, afro hair has been my signature hairstyle for decades. And I know how to take good care of it. My hair is always moisturized to prevent dryness and breakage. I trim it every month or two, to remove the split ends, so it can look thick and full. I wash my hair thoroughly, and before I sleep, wrap it in a silk bonnet or scarf. David, that is my regular routine. I’m painting this picture for you to understand how dedicated and patient I have been over the years to grow my afro into a healthy and amazing happy hair. It’s my pride and joy.

I’ve been married to my husband for nine years and I used to think he was a man and not a boy. He’s always felt entitled to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Truth is, I have no tolerance for married men or women who cheat on their spouses. I see such people to lack integrity. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust my husband because he lied to me. Five years ago, after the birth of our second child, I started to realize that he was always on his phone even when we were in bed. He didn’t seem present. He also would stay up after we had sex and I went to bed, still on his phone. I felt like we were drifting apart and wanted to know what was going on with us.

He continued to gaslight my concerns till I finally discovered his infidelity by checking his phone one dawn. I took screenshots and sent the details of my discovery to my phone. I needed proof to help me digest what he’s been up to. And knowing how easy lying flows from his tongue, I needed the screenshots to counteract his denial of the affairs. It took me about a week to process everything before finding the right time to have the conversation with him in person. I arranged for my children to be looked after because I did not need them to be present at home when I had this talk with their father. I wasn’t demanding the truth from him there and then. I gave him a whole day, 24 hours, to simply think about what I had figured out and come back to me with an honest response.

Because I hadn’t mentioned I had copies of the screenshots, he deleted all the conversations and call histories on his phone, and even went as far as contacting the two ladies he was sleeping with to deny anything. Anytime a man makes you look stupid by daring you to tell him what he has done wrong, as if it is your job to prove him wrong, that is when you should know there is no going back to what it used to be. I made the difficult decision to separate from him, though we stayed in the same house but slept in different rooms. The day after I filed for divorce, I woke up after an argument with him, and he had cut my hair with scissors, packed all his belongings and left our front door and the main gate open.

Image Credit: Begna Belay

Love Equation

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Dolly: I was married to my ex-husband for two years before readily giving him away to the woman he sometimes woke up in the middle of his sleep, at dawn, looked at me, and addressed me by her name. He would be talking to her in a native language that I initially thought was a made-up language because he was sleep talking. The first time he did that was on our honeymoon. He was snoring heavily next to me in bed. The next thing I knew, he was trying to pitch a brilliant business idea to the name he had called out. The same name he always addressed me by in his sleep.

He sang love songs a couple of times in his sleep to the same name, which I sometimes thought was cute. I wasn’t jealous, not once, because I understood what it meant to be loved by a man. She was his soul mate. He considered her, even in his sleep. Mentioning her name in his sleep wasn’t just an error. He was accounting for her relevance and existence in his life. David, the truth is, another man’s existence was part of my own intentions. I loved my ex-husband, but I was not in love with him. The man I was in love with had married another woman he was having a child with. My ex-husband was just an afterthought filling a void in my heart. I wasn’t ready to date another man but he insisted on courting me. I didn’t think I had anything to lose, so I went along with it.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How did you confirm this other woman was real?

Dolly: He woke up one dawn, sleep walking in the bedroom. I was pregnant with our daughter. I kept quiet and just watched him moving to and fro in the middle of the night. He came back to bed and started to snore. I picked his phone, unlocked it and searched for the name of the lady. I read their text and email exchanges. He wasn’t cheating on me with her, but I realized they had a history together. I kept quiet about what I had discovered till he had another episode at dawn. He was asking her if she still loved him. I woke up and whispered to him, ‘would you like to be in a relationship with me’? He went quiet for a minute and then responded, ‘I have to tell my wife about you.’

DBM: Did he remember any of these when he woke up?

Dolly: No, but I had to bring it up. He told me all I needed to know about her and what he felt for her. I asked for her phone number and he gave it to me. I met and had lunch with her and told her about how he babbles about her in his sleep and all his feelings for her. She giggled while I laughed. I found out that though she was the one who had broken up with him, she factored him into a love equation he hadn’t asked her to solve. They were meant to be, and I could understand that. After the birth of our daughter, I asked for divorce. They’re my friends now and we are actively working together for the success of our daughter. The three of us share the responsibility for raising and parenting our children. He is happily married to the other lady and they have two kids of their own together.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Time To Let Go

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Suzanne: I’m holding on to an unhealthy marriage that I know isn’t good for me. There is a child involved so I am finding it very difficult to simply let go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): What do you want for you?

Suzanne: I want to raise my son in a stable environment filled with love

DBM: That is what you want for your son. What do YOU want?

Suzanne: Something different. Something I can depend on.

DBM: Is the situation you’re currently holding on to out of your control?

Suzanne: Yes

DBM: So, redirect your focus on what you can control

Suzanne: That’s the scary part for me. What if the grass is not greener on the outside?

DBM: You don’t have to worry about what tomorrow brings. How long have you been married?

Suzanne: 9 yrs.

DBM: What did your husband do?

Suzanne: He has gotten two women pregnant and the mother of one of the ladies is a former school mate of my dad. She brough the issue to my dad’s attention because she knows about me and who I am married to. My dad invited my husband home for a chat and whatever he did or said to my father is what killed him. My father had a build up of fat and cholesterol in his arteries. I received a call from my mother that my dad was receiving CPR, and I needed to make my way to the hospital’s emergency asap. I got to know that my husband was having an argument with my dad at home and he collapsed. He passed away from a heart attack.

DBM: I’m terribly sorry.

Suzanne: Thanks. He’s also taken every jewelry he’s bought for me, including my wedding rings and given them to one of the pregnant girls.

DBM: How in the world are you still choosing to hold on to the summation of this kind of experience?

Suzanne: I’m in it for the sake of my son. He loves his father

DBM: Do you love your husband?

Suzanne: I don’t have an answer to your question.

DBM: Just because one man is choosing to let you down doesn’t mean every man will let you down. You’re capable of receiving what is deserving of you. You need to build your own closure so you can create space for a fresh beginning.

Suzanne: I’m worried about letting people who look up to me in church down.

DBM: The weight of a decision like this is a personal choice. It’s your personal journey. And really, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, except you.

Suzanne: Thank you.

Image Credit: Mizunokozuki

Dear Saul

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Stella: My story began in 1996. I was writing short letters to Saul in my journal, with no intention of mailing it to him. I couldn’t hold back when I started to read his book. It was a story about his wife. She was battling cancer. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer, and Saul’s book enabled me to express my thoughts and feelings without holding myself back.

The short notes were for my eyes only and it was a great way to not explain all the details of my fears to family and friends. I wasn’t also reading back what I had written because I wasn’t ready to absorb the emotional energy invested in the writing to release. I believe in closure. The version of closure that I was craving for didn’t come wrapped in a one-hour conversation. What I had to say didn’t need to be heard. Writing those letters made me sit with my own thoughts. I needed an out to simply let them go.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hello to you too. Lol!

Stella: Hello David. How are you?

DBM: I am doing alright, thanks. Saul is an author?

Stella: Yes.

DBM: Do you remember the first letter you wrote to him?

Stella: I have it here somewhere. I can type it

DBM: I want to read it

Stella: “Dear Saul,

It’s Thursday, June 13, 1996. And I am getting some reading done. I am reading your book. Currently on page 59, chapter four. I just felt like sending you strength and love today. I don’t know how the story is going to end but you’re so much stronger than you know.”

DBM: And you didn’t post it?

Stella: I did not.

DBM: Do you have any more letters to him?

Stella: “Dear Saul,

I am at the beach today. It’s a crowded space but the sound of the ocean waves is drowning out the noise. I am almost done diving into your amazing book. Chapter 34 now. The way you write about your wife’s courage is remarkable. She makes me want to reflect on my own husband’s strength. He inspires me. Mine is also battling cancer and he keeps fighting. He’s pushing through every day to beat this disease. Your wife is showing your readers what strength looks like. This is a scar in their lives to tell a story of a battle they will win. Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Tell me a bit about your husband

Stella: His best friend was my friend. He had been trying to get us to go on a date. One weekend, he invited me over to dinner. He cooked and I left with the first love of my life. We became friends for 50 days and he asked me to marry him.

DBM: Oh wow! That was fast

Stella: We were single and mature, and not attempting to impress each other. We wanted love. We wanted marriage. We wanted family, so we went for it.

DBM: Was he the kind of man you wanted?

Stella: He looked like the kind of man I could want

DBM: Was he the kind of man you knew was best for you?

Stella: Maybe

DBM: Why maybe?

Stella: Because my head and heart couldn’t agree

DBM: Why wasn’t your head agreeing?

Stella: My late husband smoked a lot. He was an addict and could not control it. He always wanted to quit because it was affecting his emotions, moods and behavior.

DBM: What was he smoking?

Stella: Tobacco. He also drank alcohol. His father smoked and drank. His peers used tobacco. That was the life he grew up in and before he realized, he was physically dependent on the urge to use it.

DBM: How did his addiction make you feel?

Stella: I felt betrayed. His urge was sometimes hard to resist. Love came with a baggage I did not choose.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Stella: We were married for three years. He died in 1996

DBM: Oh!

Stella: Saul’s wife died in 1997.

DBM: Oh no!

Stella: I received a letter from Saul in 1998.

DBM: Huh?

Stella: Dave, my late husband lived a hundred lives before he died. He loved to read. We both did. It was our favorite hobby since we married. I believe he was the one who infected me with his reading bug – because he was always recommending books to me. Saul’s book was a recommendation from a friend. After reading it, I tore the notes I had written to him in my journal, folded them neatly and placed them in Saul’s book and totally forgot about it. Somehow, my late husband came across the book, read it and read my short notes to Saul. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone to the post office to mail it.

DBM: How did he know Saul’s address?

Stella: His mailing address was printed in the book so his readers could send him letters or feedback without going through a publisher.

DBM: Ha! What was the content of Saul’s letter?

Stella: I can type it

DBM: Please do

Stella: “Dear Stella,

Thank you for supporting my work. I appreciate you more than words can express. Your husband mailed me your letters. He asked me to express his gratitude for all that you did for him. He says you helped him grow even though he would have wished to become a better person for you. He cherished every moment with you and loved you.

My wife died a year ago and I am discovering a fan I never knew existed. What you have given to me on paper is this one liner that ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.” Today feels drenched in dreary but ‘Better days are coming, Saul. It may feel far off but that day is coming.”

DBM: Hmmm!

Stella: We kept exchanging letters and started a conversation. We have been talking and going on dates ever since. We became close friends and later got married in 2003. We’re still together. He did not let my simple gesture of a journal note slip away. Dave, when I look at the kind of humans our children have turned out to be, I couldn’t have asked for a better father for them.

Image Credit: Karola G

Not Ready

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Evans: Dave, do you want to hear a funny story?

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): No!

Evans: Come on, be nice

DBM: What’s the funny story?

Evans: They are planning my wedding without my involvement, without my knowledge.

DBM: Who are the ‘they’?

Evans: My girlfriend is the chief orchestrator I think

DBM: How long have you two been in a relationship?

Evans: Almost five years

DBM: How did you find out about this plan?

Evans: First, I got a call from a cousin I hadn’t spoken to in years inviting me to his wedding in October. He wants me to read a Bible passage at the ceremony. The problem with the invitation is that, he does not believe in marriage. He’s always argued that marriage is a crazy idea and did not believe it made any sense. He still stands by his assertion and doesn’t believe a relationship is any more or less binding because the people in it sign a piece of paperwork and start wearing some fake gold rings. My cousin has continuously needed an exit strategy in every relationship I know he’s been in. He has no intention of promising anyone forever because he knows he’s not going to keep his word to any one woman.

DBM: How old is your cousin?

Evans: 47

DBM: How old are you?

Evans: 40

DBM: How old is your lady?

Evans: 35

DBM: What has your cousin’s invitation got to do with someone planning your wedding?

Evans: That’s a great question. He asked for the location to my house to deliver the suit and shoes he wants me to wear to his wedding. Have you heard such a thing before? He lives in Italy and has come to Ghana to prepare for his supposed wedding. And he buys me a wrinkle free 4-Ply wool tailored fit suit by Lanificio Ermenegildo Zegna. A Havana fit suit, Dave. Do you know how much that cost? Someone who doesn’t know my measurements can order a custom-made suit to fit me perfectly. Do you know how much a Saint Laurent Le Loafer Logo-Embellished Eel Mules cost?

DBM: I don’t know what that is

Evans: They’re shoes. The shoes he brought for me to wear to ‘his wedding’.

DBM: You don’t think you’re deserving of nice things?

Evans: That’s not the issue Dave. You have to understand who my cousin is. That guy will not even lend me 10 Euro

DBM: People change

Evans: Not that nigga.

DBM: It still does not prove a conspiracy

Evans: I asked him to tell me about his wife-to-be and he smiled for about 15 minutes. Who smiles for 15 freakin’ minutes? I’m not kidding you. He did not know how to describe his own bride to me. I called my mother to ask about my cousin’s wedding and she had a rehearsed tale to tell me. It’s like, everybody is suddenly breathing on exertion around me when I talk to them about my cousin’s wedding. My girlfriend included. She’s now signed up for a gym membership. She woke up one morning and decided she wanted to start going to the gym. What dress size is she trying to fit in, if not for a wedding dress?

DBM: You’re funny

Evans: Dave, my wife’s pastor who has never called or spoken to me before started to call and text me on the phone to discuss why every relationship has issues, struggles and conflicts. He wants to help me address these issues and make sure I don’t take them into MARRIAGE. The ‘M’ word appeared out of nowhere?

DBM: Lol! He said that? Hehehe!

Evans: Dave

DBM: Lol! Him offering pre-marital counseling doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to make you get married. Nobody can impose marriage on you.

Evans: I know that but they’re trying to protect a secret.

DBM: Tell me about yourself

Evans: Not much to know. I am caring. I have a great job. I make a good living. I am thoughtful. I am generous and kind to others. I am very smart

DBM: You seem like a great catch

Evans: Until I’m not.

DBM: How so?

Evans: I am very critical of others. I can be very condescending, sharp-tongued and demeaning. I see myself to be above ordinary. I know how to verbally abuse people. I’m not all that nice. That is why I do not want to get married.

DBM: Okay, that’s toxic. Does your girlfriend know you do not want to get married?

Evans: Not specifically

DBM: Meaning?

Evans: I can’t tell her to her face because we’re deep into the relationship. And she’s been dancing around the marriage conversation for some time. I’m not proud of the way I sometimes treat or speak to her when I am angry. I don’t think marriage will change me.

DBM: We’re all finding ways to get along on a daily basis in our marriages. People take risks to marry us. Your lady, I am certain, does not know exactly where her life is headed, but she’s let herself fall into your arms anyways. None of us had everything together when we made the decision to adapt to partnered life in a marriage.

Evans: I’m a mess, Dave

DBM: Aren’t we all?

Evans: Hmmm

DBM: Do you love her?

Evans: I love her

DBM: Are you in love with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she someone you call your friend?

Evans: She’s my best friend

DBM: Are you financially broke?

Evans: No

DBM: Are you purpose driven?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Do you want to be with her for the rest of your life?

Evans: Only her, you mean?

DBM: Ha! Why that question?

Evans: Because she doesn’t always fill me up, so my eyes and mind wonder a lot. I’m being honest here.

DBM: I appreciate your candor

Evans: I’ve not been faithful to her in the five years. And I’m not going to be faithful in marriage

DBM: I see

Evans: Honesty is the best policy

DBM: She doesn’t know all this I’m guessing?

Evans: No

DBM: I’ve fallen in love only three times in my life. I didn’t date around much because I did not know or understand much about myself. The third human being I ever loved is the one I am married to. Was I ready for marriage? I’d say no. But was I ready enough to want to commit to my partner in marriage? Yes. I had to at a point just stop overthinking and simply make the decision to jump into it. I went into marriage carrying three hearts in my heart. Every now and then, l think of them fondly.

Evans: You still love your exes?

DBM: I like them because they were an interesting part of my past.

Evans: You’re fucking any of them?

DBM: I am not

Evans: You talk to them?

DBM: Once in a while

Evans: I’ve been with a lot of girls but I’m in love with two at the moment. And I’m fucking all two. I’ve come to realize that one woman cannot meet all of my needs.

DBM: Whatever you choose to make the focus of your attention, you will see more of that in sight. You have trained your desire to seek validation from other women because you have concluded that one woman is never going to be enough for you. That’s why other women start to find you attractive, like magic. Is it magic? Certainly not! Ladies have always been around us. You’re only seeing them now in that light because you’re looking and waiting to be found and seen by them.

Evans: It’s in every man’s DNA if you’re going to be honest with yourself.

DBM: Imagine if every guy is choosing to invest that very same energy we spread across folks – to focus on something, one thing that we really like about the partner we’re supposed to be committed to, what wouldn’t we discover and like eventually? That is the price I believe every man pays losing a part of themselves while making another human being’s life their own.

Evans: I’m not ready for marriage.

DBM: And that’s okay. You know yourself and the deep personal issues you’re grappling with. The only problem I see here is that, you’re using her to your own advantage. You are growing and having all of your needs met. She isn’t, because one of her biggest desires is to be a wife. A step you’re clearly not ready for.

Evans: It’s not that simple

DBM: Are you happy in the relationship with her?

Evans: Yes

DBM: Is she happy with you?

Evans: I should think so. I don’t know

DBM: Marriage shouldn’t always be the end goal. Sometimes, simply finding happiness together can equally be good enough. Please be honest with her.

Evans: I’ll talk to her this week about it.

Image Credit: Ron Lach

Same Bowl, Same Plate, Same Cup

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tamar: Mr. David, how are you doing? I recently got married. Eight months to be precise. My husband is a great guy and I am enjoying discovering the different corners of his heart that I never knew existed. I am excited about him and also about our marriage. Anytime I see him, I am happy. Anytime he holds my hand, I am happy. The fact that I also get to breathe in the same space with a man who makes it his priority to listen to me and be interested in what is on my mind, is one of the many blessings I am thankful to God for. He is the first man to ever love me this loud. My husband thinks of me and not just himself. I can go on and on about his great features.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Well… Congratulations on your first eight months.

Tamar: Thank you. But there is one thing he’s been insisting we continue to do that is stressing me out. He wants us to always sit down and eat together from the same bowl or plate. Dave, we drink tea from the same cup, in turns. He takes his sip and then I take mine, till the cup is empty. We refill for round two because a cup of tea is meant for one. We share the same bread he’s eating during breakfast. Dave, before we married, I was used to eating at odd hours. I was eating when I was hungry. I can’t do that now as a married woman. I have to wait for him to be home before I eat dinner. We eat fufu from the same bowl; drink the soup from the same bowl. When I boil an egg for him, he takes the first bite before I eat my portion off the same egg. On weekdays, we eat breakfast and dinner together as always. On weekends, we do breakfast, lunch and supper from the same bowl or plate. At first, I thought it was romantic to have my husband sitting beside me just to be present in sharing a meal. Now, I am worried.

DBM: That is to the extreme, no?

Tamar: Dave, I am scared because it doesn’t make any sense to me when I think of it. And that is not all, he’s also scheduled the times we have to be having our meals at the dining table. We can’t touch our phones when it’s breakfast or dinner time. To him, these times together are the crucial moments for us to be bonding and making conversations. Some of the things he usually would want to talk about, I don’t want to talk about. I want to eat alone sometimes, and I can’t. I want to have my thoughts to myself while I chew on something, and I can’t.

DBM: What if you want to have lunch or dinner with a friend outside of the home?

Tamar: David, my husband has invited himself twice to an outing I had planned with two of my girlfriends. Yes, he shared my meal with me, from the same plate.

DBM: How about date nights, do you go out on dates with him?

Tamar: Yes. And we eat our meals together from the same plate.

DBM: I know you’ve mentioned how he treats you right and all, but what is his character generally like?

Tamar: He would be kind and loving of course, in public and be singing my glowing praise but I feel like he sometimes also plays mind games and be twisting my words when I complain about something he’s done that irritates me. He exaggerates a lot of the times and lies in-between conversations. When I challenge an argument I know he’s clearly lying about, he dances around the subject, beats about the bush or makes me feel like I’m the dumb one.

DBM: What is your inner witness telling you at this very moment?

Tamar: My intuition is telling me to be careful about him because he knows how to cover his tracks very well that I may someday, not be able to prove anything I would accuse him of. My husband would create a sickness in my name just to stay out of a work assignment he’s not interested in. Dave, he’s good to me on one hand, and a lot to handle in the other.

DBM: This, clearly is emotional abuse, in my opinion. Do you think your husband even knows he’s doing something wrong?

Tamar: My husband is the type who is always right. In his mind, he’s the leader steering our marital ship.

DBM: A man knows exactly what he does to others. Your husband is doing everything he’s doing to you on purpose.

Tamar: When we first met, I think we were four days in, he told me he had cheated on his last relationship and that was the reason why he was single. I trusted him because most guys aren’t that forthcoming with such information from their past.

DBM: Let me guess, it made you believe that no guy who is a liar would willingly volunteer such a skeleton out of his closet, no?

Tamar: Yes

DBM: Again, most men are up to no good, unfortunately. They know how to groom your mind and emotions with half-truths. And, that is just the tip of the iceberg. They’re very calculating and cunning, and would sink you deep into their pretend vulnerabilities.

Tamar: But how would I have known? He told me I had such kind eyes and soft energy and aura. I felt seen.

DBM: Yeah! How old are you?

Tamar: 32

DBM: How old is he?

Tamar: 37

DBM: It’s called word salad. They know how to garnish with the right words and flavors for your attention. And before you know it, you want them to be talking to you every day. They have no boundaries when it comes to playing the field, moving from one woman target to another. You will inevitably be caught up in his drama.

Tamar: But he’s married me now

DBM: They have no boundaries. I am really hoping this marriage brings you happiness and not pain.

Tamar: You’re scaring me, Dave.

DBM: That’s not my intention.

Tamar: I’m pregnant. I haven’t told him yet.

DBM: Why not?

Tamar: I’m anxious about a lot of things going on, that I’m unable to put my finger on it

DBM: Find a support system that is willing to listen to you without judgement and would offer you a safe space to express your fears and emotions.

Tamar: Ok

Image Credit: Gustavo Fring

Explained With A Venn Diagram

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Prosper: I have an incredible story to share

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Tell me.

Prosper: This week marks my 18th cohabitation anniversary.

DBM: With your partner?

Prosper: I wouldn’t call her ‘my partner’ because we’re not shacking up in the bedroom. She was supposed to move in with me temporarily because she’s still married to her husband.

DBM: Huh?

Prosper: I’ve been living with a married woman and her daughter for 18 years.

DBM: Explain with a Venn diagram

Prosper: Hahaha. According to her, there was abuse and serial cheating and she had to make the difficult decision to leave her marriage. She had been married for nine years, thrown herself into the relationship, given birth to two kids, a boy and a girl. After the 9th year she realized how burned out she felt and did not have no more to give. She described her marriage as out of balance. So, she took her daughter one afternoon and run away.

DBM: Leaving the son behind?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she know how the boy is doing today?

Prosper: No

DBM: Wow! Who are you to her?

Prosper: Best friend. We go way back. High school mates

DBM: High school sweethearts?

Prosper: No. High school mates. No strings attached

DBM: Nothing has happened between the two of you after running to you?

Prosper: Nothing has happened

DBM: Are you a married man?

Prosper: No

DBM: Dating someone?

Prosper: No

DBM: Do you like this friend staying with you?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Does she like you as much?

Prosper: Yes

DBM: Have you kissed?

Prosper: I wish. No

DBM: Define your friendship

Prosper: I love her. I am in love with her and this secret lives in my head as I’ve never expressed it to her or anyone else. I know she admires me too.

DBM: You admire her in the romantic sense?

Prosper: Yes. She brightens my day. But I have been curious about something

DBM: What?

Prosper: Why would a married woman just pack her bags and leave her whole life behind for 18 years and not look back?

DBM: We know the man or woman we marry. We do not know the person we separate from or divorce later on in the marriage.

Prosper: But why would she separate her own children in that manner?

DBM: Have you asked her?

Prosper: No

DBM: I’m guessing she asked herself whether or not she would be proud of her daughter if she were to find herself in a marriage like hers.

Prosper: I have a warm and lasting relationship with her daughter. She calls me father. I am in my step-father role. She comes to me for advice and is always thankful because I have been there for her and her mother all these years. I’ve been providing their needed security, love, conversation, friendship, hopefulness, trust, and anything they need to survive. It’s my little unconventional family I’ve built.

DBM: I don’t know what or how to feel about this. It’s kind of, tricky

Prosper: I feel the same way. What if she packs her things one day and just leaves?

DBM: You think about that?

Prosper: Every day

DBM: They’ve done 18 years with you. You are definitely bringing something valuable to the table.

Prosper: Dave, do you think this is going to have a happy ending?

DBM: Having feelings for another man’s wife is normal. Acting on those feelings is what I honestly do not know how to speak on. What you’ve described to be feeling for her seems to go beyond the bedroom. This kind of loving and intimate friendship is rare.

Prosper: I would have married her if she wasn’t married

DBM: I believe you. She has to do something about her marital status, if she’s that much into you too. Because at the moment, her marriage is still in your way.

Prosper: What would you have done?

DBM: I would have asked her to return to her husband and make a decision to leave him legally. It’s been 18 years. Believe me, her husband did not sit in waiting. This is how you know a married woman or man loves you and has every intention of being available and coming for you: by being willing to try to break free from whatever is holding her back – for your sake.

Prosper: Hmmm. When she first moved in with me, she said before that her husband would make divorce as difficult as possible if she ever tried to leave. He thinks it would wreck him financially. Staying with him was also causing her a lot of suffering.

DBM: Her family of orientation, do they know where she is?

Prosper: They don’t know where she lives, but she visits her parents and siblings with her daughter twice a year. They know she’s doing fine.

DBM: How are you getting laid since she’s not given you an official invitation?

Prosper: I find sex elsewhere. My sex drive is insane but it’s just sex. My house mate is my soul mate. She’s the woman of my dreams and the lady with whom I know we can build an expected life and have a family. She’s been the one person I have experienced true love, true romance and emotional intimacy, minus sex with. We meet our needs for conversation.

Image Credit: Cottonbro

Embrace Instead Of Fear

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Edna: I’ve ruined my kids’ lives Dave. I feel like I have failed my children.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How old are your children?

Edna: 13 and 8

DBM: What is making you come to such a conclusion?

Edna: I’ve made some really bad choices that are reflecting on my children

DBM: What kind of choices?

Edna: Marriage. These feelings of failure I have is a struggle, Dave.

DBM: That you’re married?

Edna: No. Their father and I divorced and I am beginning to think the divorce has become the gasoline that is making the fire explode in our children.

DBM: How so?

Edna: Their unhinged behavior since the divorce. One is always sad and withdrawn, while the boy is either angry or confused all the time. I don’t know how to fix it, Dave

DBM: You can’t fix it, unfortunately. I am sorry about how events are suddenly unfolding in your life.

Edna: It’s a challenge for me

DBM: I can only imagine but you know it’s okay to sometimes feel worried, no? It is okay to be scared. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be angry sometimes. You can teach your children how to normalize some of these difficult feelings – since you feel them yourself too. You know how to not let it control you. Teach your children the ‘how’ and let them come to the realization that, these uncomfortable feelings come and go.

Edna: Ok

DBM: I think GOD designed marriage to help us grow in another way or form. That growth, sometimes come about or happens outside of the marriage itself. Divorce is a form of change in our relationships that we ought to learn as a people to embrace instead of fearing it. You’re a single mother now, and that is not a bad thing. Your past experience in marriage is now challenging you to grow yourself into a different kind of woman, and mother that you could not have anticipated. I do not count such a phase in someone’s life as failure.

Edna: But this is not what I dreamed for my family.

DBM: Often, we feel like marriage is an either/or scenario.

Edna: Is it not?

DBM: If you had continued to stay married to the father of your children, would it have helped you to live the life you want?

Edna: I don’t know

DBM: Okay, tell me something you know for a fact: would you have grown out of your spousal identity if you had stayed married to him?

Edna: Yes

DBM: That would have been failure in my opinion. Staying in a marriage that sucks the very life and peace of mind out of you.

Edna: Hmmm

DBM: Why did you divorce?

Edna: There was too much emotional and verbal abuse. Then he cheated and I cheated back. It’s a whole lot Dave, and it was very depressing for me.

DBM: You made a bold choice to end depression. That is not failure. You made a choice to end suffering. Abuse in any way or form is not a healthy thing.

Edna: Right

DBM: Is your ex-husband a good father to his children?

Edna: He’s not perfect but he’s a good father.

DBM: What makes him a good father?

Edna: He’s very nurturing and supportive. He’s consistently been present for them. When he shows up, his focus is only on his children and they love that. I know he looks forward to their future and would move heaven and earth until things are better for them.

DBM: The best gift a father or mother can give to their children is themselves.

Edna: I do the best I can for my children. He does his best for them too. He’s just not a great man for me to love

DBM: And that’s okay. We all want our children to become good men and women. This will only happen if we model that for them ourselves. You have a daughter?

Edna: I do

DBM: Would you want for her to someday, pick the right guy to date and marry?

Edna: Of course,

DBM: Your next relationship and choice of a man is the opportunity to show her what the right guy and relationship look like in real time. You claim your ex-husband is a good father. A good father, regardless of a difficult divorce, treats the mother of his children with respect. That is the tone of kindness and reverence a decent man would set for how his children would view and treat their mother. Through kind words, perception and behavior.

Edna: I can’t say much about that

DBM: Do you speak well of him in his absence to your children?

Edna: I do.

DBM: Good!

Edna: It’s the disappointment in myself I struggle to deal with

DBM: Divorce is a stressful experience. I have friends going through it; I have friends who have gone through it. It wasn’t and still isn’t easy for them or their children. It’s an upheaval to a child’s idea of home, their normal, everyday routines and most importantly, their understanding of what a family structure should look like. It would raise a ton of strong feelings in any child. But as I said earlier, divorce, I believe is a form of change for you the mother or father to model to your children that it is probable to come through tough situations and still feel stronger as a result.

Image Credit: Planet E Elevene

 

Selective Amnesia

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Tyson: My wife and I moved into our new neighborhood barely ten months ago and we are still settling in and slowly making new friends. Dave, a month and a half ago, I returned from work to something seriously bizarre. My neighbor’s daughter was in my living room with my wife, waiting for me. The moment I entered, she stood up, mentioned my name, and then in the presence of my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very shocked because I do not know this young girl.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Just like that?

Tyson: Just like that

DBM: I don’t believe you. You know her, one way or the other.

Tyson: This is where you sometimes get it wrong Dave. You’re quick to judge a man unfairly. What man do man? I swear on my mother’s life. I do not know this girl. I have not spoken to her before. I have not touched her before.

DBM: How old is she?

Tyson: She’s a teenager

DBM: Early or late teens?

Tyson: 16 or 17 I believe

DBM: What do you mean by you don’t know her? You’ve seen her before, no? She’s the neighbor’s daughter.

Tyson: I don’t know her. I have never spoken to her before. It’s her father and mother I usually greet on my way out.

DBM: That’s strange

Tyson: And scary

DBM: What was your initial reaction when you were greeted with this information?

Tyson: I laughed at first because she wasn’t making any sense to me. I reacted instead of responding. But when I realized she was dead serious on pinning her pregnancy on me, I was stunned, and terrified all at once. I do not know this girl from anywhere. Secondly, I play away matches only. I’m not that stupid to be playing matches from home.

DBM: How long have you been married?

Tyson: 3 years

DBM: How old are you?

Tyson: 42

DBM: What was your wife’s response?

Tyson: She was as confused as I was

DBM: When you make reference to ‘playing away matches’, does it mean you cheat on your wife?

Tyson: Sometimes

DBM: How has this changed things between you and your wife?

Tyson: My wife doesn’t know whom to believe and I am really not ready for this kind of event. At first, I thought she was lying about being pregnant but a test was done and she is pregnant. Her parents believe her story and are expecting me to take responsibility. That pregnancy isn’t mine.

DBM: What do you think she’s trying to achieve by falsely accusing you of something you claim you did not do?

Tyson: I claim I did not do? Really, Dave. Smh.

DBM: Men like you, I know how you think. You know how to conveniently forget specific events or your own hurtful actions while remembering almost everything else. You are experts in gaslighting your wives when they catch you in an act. You can manage to someway; somehow rewrite a situation you created for your wife to doubt her own reality of what she knows and believe you did.

Tyson: You’re wrong about me. I do not understand what she’s up to but she’s playing on my nerves. I’ve demanded for a DNA test.

DBM: When was the last time you had sex with anyone outside of your marriage?

Tyson: More than two months ago

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: An old flame

DBM: Prior to that, when last did you have sex with someone different?

Tyson: 3 months ago.

DBM: With whom?

Tyson: A girl I met at a party

DBM: What’s her name?

Tyson: I don’t remember

DBM: Why don’t you remember?

Tyson: Because she was a complete stranger. One thing led to another and …

DBM: And?

Tyson: We had sex

DBM: How was it?

Tyson: The sex?

DBM: Yes

Tyson: It wasn’t mind blowing. I don’t think I remember the details of it

DBM: Why not?

Tyson: Drank too much vodka soda

DBM: Was it protected sex?

Tyson: Always

DBM: What did the girl look like?

Tyson: How would I know?

DBM: Was she tall, short, slender, dark in complexion, etc.?

Tyson: Shit

DBM: What?

Image Credit: Ekam Juneja

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