It Takes Two
Phyliss: I feel alone. I’ve been downplaying it but I feel so alone in my marriage. I don’t think my husband sees or values me.
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): How long have you been married?
Phyliss: 9 years. He’s a great father to our children but he’s terrible at being a husband to me.
DBM: Terrible in what sense?
Phyliss: I need him to be present to my needs but he thinks I’m needy. He’s not offering the connection and conversation I crave for. My husband is supposed to be my best friend, Dave.
DBM: Do you have friends?
Phyliss: I do
DBM: Who is your best friend?
Phyliss: My husband
DBM: Who is your second-best friend?
Phyliss: I don’t have one
DBM: You do
Phyliss: They’re not my best friends. They’re just friends.
DBM: Prior to meeting your husband, who was your closest friend?
Phyliss: Jane
DBM: Where is Jane in your life right now?
Phyliss: We talk but we’re not so close
DBM: Why are you no longer that close?
Phyliss: Because my husband wanted to become my closest friend after we got married.
DBM: How long has it been since you noticed the drifting apart?
Phyliss: It’s been 5 years. I just want him to be as loving and supportive as he used to be. I wish I can make him get off his phone after work and on weekends. He barely looks up from his phone or laptop. Our conversations at home, most of the time centers around the children or the bills. There is an invisible wall between us anytime I sit across the room. I’m withering away, Dave.
DBM: You’re choosing to wither away. Have you spoken to him about your current experience at home?
Phyliss: He snaps and tags me as needy
DBM: Why did you get married?
Phyliss: I fell in love. I was ready to start a family with someone. When I met my husband, I realized I wanted to see him more. I wanted to talk to him more. I imagined a future with him in it. There was exciting sexual tension between us and it became clear that we weren’t just friends.
DBM: Why do you think he chose to marry you?
Phyliss: Maybe he thought that was what he had to do, and then later discovered that, no matter how hard he tried loving me, he yearned to be single again?
DBM: It could be possible but have you asked him why he married you?
Phyliss: Yes. He said he was in love. But his actions say otherwise. I think my husband wishes he could be single again and stay single.
DBM: If that is what he wants, could you grant him that?
Phyliss: No Dave. I don’t think so. We have children we’re raising together.
DBM: Do you work?
Phyliss: Yes. Dave, I’ve stood by this guy through his hardest seasons in life. When we married, it wasn’t long before he became unemployed. And for 14 months, I kept food in the fridge, paid all the bills, helped him to settle his debts because I assumed his debts were mine too; warmed his side of the bed at night. I did everything I could to make my husband stay motivated and happy. I took on responsibilities without complaining just to keep our heads above water. I have sacrificed my own downtime in order for him to pursue his dreams.
DBM: Is your husband happy in the marriage?
Phyliss: I don’t think so.
DBM: So, you can clearly read into him?
Phyliss: Yes.
DBM: Are you happily married?
Phyliss: No, but I don’t want to throw away what we have built together.
DBM: What percentage of what you have built together is his contribution?
Phyliss: I’m the one who wants the marriage to work
DBM: I know, but still grade it.
Phyliss: I’d say 35%
DBM: 35% of his effort has been put into the nine years of marriage to work?
Phyliss: Yes.
DBM: Is he a responsible father to his children?
Phyliss: He is.
DBM: So, he will take care of them, whether or not you’re together?
Phyliss: He will.
DBM: Have you tried couples therapy?
Phyliss: We’ve met our pastor and his wife and few of our church elders but everyone seems to think I have to do more to keep my husband interested in the marriage. I’ve been doing the more they’re suggesting to me.
DBM: Ugh! Don’t even tell me about church people. Smh! I’m referring to professional counseling
Phyliss: No. He wouldn’t participate. I know my husband. I’m just sad that he’s no longer happy to be with me. What would you have done Dave, if you were in my shoes?
DBM: Before I got married, one of the vows my spouse and I agreed on was that, should we ever reach that point in our union, where we’re no longer that much into each other, and are finding other people and what they mean to us attractive, we would first sit and discuss the changes in our feelings and wants and desires, and then propose whether or not we’d be in an open-marriage/relationship or simply go our separate ways. It doesn’t mean the love we once felt for one another wasn’t strong enough. People change, and sometimes, when people show you how far they’ve gone in their change – it’s them simply being sincere with you without wanting to say as much. Even if it makes no sense to you the wife who still is very much interested in, and connected to them and the history shared.
Phyliss: I don’t know what to do
DBM: Stand on patience and be present to what makes you happy. Whatever used to make you happy before you met your husband, find that thing and explore it all over again. Remind yourself, not with words but your energy and presence that marriage is not all there is to you.
Phyliss: I’m still sad but thank you.
Image Credit: Tima Miroshnichenko
