David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 168: I’m Susan
DBM: Hi Susan. How would you describe yourself?
Susan: Naturally a busy woman. I am the type that always needs something to occupy my time, else, I will go crazy
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Susan: 7 if I am not being made to feel bad about my decisions at home.
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Susan: My husband wants me to stay at home and not work. He says that’s what is going to make him happy – if I am managing the household fulltime. He thinks it would be a burdensome responsibility when I have to manage the home, children and my work.
DBM: Is that what you want?
Susan: No!
DBM: What do you think will make you happy? Because your husband is clear on what would make him happy
Susan: I hold a Master of Finance degree, and currently looking to make career change. I want something that can increase my potential earnings.
DBM: In other words, you do not want to be a housewife?
Susan: I do not want to be a housewife. I work hard, and I love to work in my field. I think that is one of the few things that makes me smile.
DBM: Life is always better when we have the perfect opportunity to do what makes us smile the more. Afterall, you did not marry your husband just to accompany him in his life
Susan: Thank you!
DBM: What does he do for a living?
Susan: He’s a medical practitioner
DBM: How long have you been married?
Susan: We’re 2 and a half
DBM: You have children?
Susan: Not yet
DBM: How old are you?
Susan: 33
DBM: Okay! Did you discuss the whole stay-at-home subject before getting married?
Susan: He told me that was what his mother did, and he is very proud of her because she made time for them while growing up
DBM: What has that got to do with you?
Susan: In other words, he would be very proud of me if I agreed to him working, while I stayed home.
DBM: And, what was your response?
Susan: There wasn’t a direct question asked me. He just made a passing statement, and I smiled.
DBM: Does he earn enough to take care of the home?
Susan: He does. I earn more than him though
DBM: I see
Susan: Just saying
DBM: Understood!
Susan: Sometimes, I feel like the root of it is insecurity
DBM: How so?
Susan: This may sound like a dumb thing to grumble, but he is scared other handsome or wealthy men may express interest in, or flirt with me while at work.
DBM: You’re a beautiful lady. I can see from your profile pictures
Susan: Thanks. He gets uncomfortable when men compliment my looks. He’s always insinuating, I try too hard to look good.
DBM: Do you?
Susan: Of course! I love to dress well. I want to always smell good. I feel confident like that.
DBM: Okay!
Susan: And happy
DBM: How is your sex life like?
Susan: On the low. Why do you ask?
DBM: Sometimes, too much stress from work can take away the quality of time to be spent with a lover
Susan: My drive is not low because of work-related stress
DBM: What is it then?
Susan: My husband doesn’t know how to talk to me with respect. His choice of words towards me sometimes kills the mood
DBM: He knows?
Susan: I have drawn his attention to it. I don’t know if every woman sees it this way too, but for me, foreplay begins the moment I wake up in the morning. If he chooses to be nice to me during the day, sex is easily guaranteed, and must be expected.
DBM: I believe men ought to uplift their partners. That should be the first form of support coming through us naturally. It’s not your job to just take care of your husband, while losing yourself. Being a wife has nothing to do with that. You have your identity outside of the marriage as a woman.
Susan: I don’t want him to feel as though, I don’t listen to him. Because that’s the lie he’s started feeding his mother.
DBM: Most people hardly would care about the truth when a lie is more entertaining.
Susan: What do I do?
DBM: You want my honest opinion?
Susan: Yes
DBM: Do not allow him to take your piece of happiness. Do things for you too
Susan: What if he interprets my actions for something else?
DBM: Something else like what?
Susan: Going against his wishes
DBM: Let me use a personal experience as an example: when I was young, my dream was to do music fulltime. I wanted to write songs and perform them live for people. My father, on the other hand did not approve of my decision. To him, education was everything; my power, my way in life to succeed. Anything else was to be considered a hobby, and not taken seriously. Till date, I cannot unhear the mean words he used to hurt my feelings – simply because I wouldn’t stop singing songs I had written at home. He didn’t think my songs were nice. He didn’t think I had a good voice. He couldn’t see success in a music career for his son, but would be the first to hail and acknowledge a popular and successful singer. Truth is, most dream crushers will be people that you respect and care about. They are usually the well-meaning folks, irrespective of their negative attitude towards your goals in life.
Susan: That sounds almost like my husband
DBM: What are some of the things he says that you feel draws you back?
Susan: ‘You don’t make time for me anymore’
DBM: What will make him say that?
Susan: When I return home from work, stressed or tired
DBM: Do you say the same thing to him when he’s tired and, or stressed from work?
Susan: No
DBM: Do you make time for your husband?
Susan: I do
DBM: If your husband delights in dissuading you every now and then from pursuing what makes you, you, for the sake of sustaining your marriage, then perhaps the marriage was never the right one to sacrifice.
Susan: Hmmm!
DBM: I’d rather love on someone who may not share the same dream with me, but would be okay to allow me grow and fully develop myself by pursuing what I enjoy doing the most.
Susan: I just hope you are right
DBM: This has nothing to do with being right or wrong. It’s simply a choice of what you believe is the best for you.
Susan: Sure
DBM: I asked this question earlier, but let me ask for the last time: how would you describe yourself?
Susan: My name is Susan; a woman with analytical mind and strong attention to detail. I enjoy working with numbers and managing money.
DBM: Participant 167, Richmond, left a question for you: ‘Do you give to others whatever they ask of you?’
Susan: Honestly, I hate to disappoint people, so a lot of the time, even though other activities would have stretched me too thin, I would still find myself almost giving in to whatever is being requested of me – just to make others happy.
DBM: And, are you able to put your ‘A’ game on these commitments?
Susan: Not really. It can be exhausting
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant
Susan: If you knew in six months you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Godisable Jacob
