Tag: Choices

Let’s Talk To SL

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 27: Sister Lydia or SL

DBM: Hello SL. Please tell me a little about yourself.

SL: Wife. Mother. Sister. Friend. Software Engineering Manager

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

SL: Are you a counselor, David?

DBM: No please, I am not.

SL: Why do you want us to talk to you?

DBM: I’ve always wanted to host a platform where people with something to say could openly, and fully speak their thoughts, without me interrupting. I think I am easy to talk to – when I am in a good mood, and can listen without necessarily judging. Also, I want people to feel heard and understood. I find value in every conversation I have with people.

SL: I’ve been a silent follower of your Facebook platform for years. I like the different conversations on your website. I want to talk to you because I think you’re a wonderful person, kind, un-judging and welcoming.

DBM: Thank you!

SL: My husband thinks my best friends may lead me astray.

DBM: Is he right?

SL: No!

DBM: So, why is he thinking that about them?

SL: Because they’re not married and they live a certain type of life.

DBM: What’s their lifestyle like?

SL: They roll with the big shots and they get paid for their time and services. They sometimes smoke, drink and live large.

DBM: What type of service do they provide?

SL: Men with class make offers to pay them money to keep them entertained. They’re basically compensated for their time and energy.

DBM: How old are you?

SL: I am in my thirties

DBM: Your friends are in that age bracket?

SL: Yes!

DBM: How long have you known them?

SL: 20+ years

DBM: How long have you known your husband?

SL: Almost 10 years.

DBM: Why do you still keep your friends close?

SL: Dave, I am my best self when we’re together.

DBM: Do you smoke?

SL: I used to

DBM: Why did you stop?

SL: My husband didn’t like it.

DBM: Do you drink?

SL: Occasionally.

DBM: Like, when you’re with your friends?

SL: Yes! And at parties or functions

DBM: Did you used to be an escort?

SL: Lol! I wouldn’t know how to answer this question.

DBM: Just try

SL: I am a career woman as already indicated, and have been working for 11 years. But prior to getting married, I used to get paid thousands of Cedis, and sometimes, in Dollars a month for regular sex.

DBM: And, your husband knows about this past?

SL: No! And I don’t think it’s any of his business.

DBM: Agreed! How would you describe your friends and their way of living?

SL: Grown women enjoying their freedoms. They want more options. They want more money. They want to do whatever the hell they want, on their own terms.

DBM: Do you think your friends have the power to be a bad influence on you?

SL: I don’t think so. I’m a grown-ass woman with a mind of my own.

DBM: Do you think your husband’s concerns are valid?

SL: I have known these ladies longer than I’ve known my husband. They know me, I know them; we trust our bond, and hold dear our friendship. We’ve been through a lot together and have built memories that we cherish. They’re more than just friends, they’re my sisters. They’ve been my greatest support system to just let go like that.

DBM: Have you tried explaining all this to your husband?

SL: Yes, but he insists I choose between our family and them.

DBM: Have you also considered the probability of a bad influence, masked behind wonderful friendships or intensely loving relationships?

SL: My friends are good people. They’ve contributed money to support my family during a hard time in our marriage.

DBM: Your husband knows this?

SL: No! His pride wouldn’t have allowed him to take the help, if he knew it came from them.

DBM: Are you immune to the personalities of your friends?

SL: I don’t think so. No one is as perfect

DBM: Evaluate their behaviors and actions

SL: They’re loyal, hardworking; they’ve helped me in ways that I did not think could be possible; they can be humorous and down to earth; well-rounded bitches, strong-willed, independent, sexy, bold and very kind.

DBM: How many friends are they?

SL: They’re four. I am the fifth.

DBM: Do they like the fact that you are married and have a family of your own?

SL: They love my children and are happy for me and my marriage.

DBM: They like your husband?

SL: Very much, but he talks bad about them in their absence.

DBM: Do your friends talk bad about your husband?

SL: No!

DBM: Which of the two damage your self-confidence, leaving you to sometimes feel emotionally drained?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them has the tendency of stirring up negativity in your presence?

SL: My husband.

DBM: Which of them make you feel the most invigorated, happiest, healthiest, inspired, motivated and innovative?

SL: My friends. No doubt about this one.

DBM: Which of them would you classify as fake?

SL: Explain the fakeness

DBM: As in, they act one way when they’re in your face, and another when not in your presence?

SL: My husband is the fakest.

DBM: Which of them is clingy, and wants you to only hang out with them – giving you unreasonable ultimatums?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them acts like a jealous imp?

SL: My husband

DBM: Which of them show up with love only at moments when they can benefit from having you as a friend?

SL: My husband. I sometimes think he’s an opportunist, though he makes his own money.

DBM: Is there any good at all to your husband?

SL: Why do you ask?

DBM: From the responses you’ve given, I cannot think far

SL: I love my husband. I am just sick and tired of his tantrums.

DBM: Would you choose your friends over your husband?

SL: If I am to compare my relationship with both, I would say my friends are the best company to keep.

DBM: Can you ask any one of your girl friends to grant me an exclusive interview into their daily lives and line of work? I feel like engaging one of them.

SL: That will be fine. We all follow you on Facebook.

DBM: I would appreciate that.

Image Credit: Idy Tanndy

Let’s Talk To Juliet

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 1 Comment

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 25: Juliet

DBM: Hi Juliet. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Juliet: I am the person I want to become. Anything else you see is simply a product of my work-in-progress. I am true to myself and do not easily lose hope. I believe in deeper spiritual connects when it comes to romance, and not the fleeting pleasures of physical intimacy.

DBM: What do you want to talk about?

Juliet: I read your conversation with Sylvester, and I think I have dated a man like his type before.

DBM: What are their types like?

Juliet: Very good looking and charming. They are always on a never-ending, excruciating assignment presenting the impression that they are everything a woman should be interested in; they appear desirable and will be a woman’s saving grace. They sell us this dream that they’re not bad boys, and will be kind and considerate so far as it benefits them.

DBM: That’s a lot of words

Juliet: The excuse my ex-boyfriend gave to me was, the other lady only wanted to have a child by him. He claimed there were no strings attached, but after I ended the relationship, guess who he married?

DBM: No strings attached?

Juliet: Yes!

DBM: How long did you two date?

Juliet: Three years. The bad news is, I still love him.

DBM: Why did you end it?

Juliet: He got her pregnant.

DBM: Are you married?

Juliet: I am married.

DBM: Are you in love with your husband?

Juliet: I love my husband.

DBM: Are you in contact with your ex?

Juliet: Yes! I will be seeing him in the afternoon.

DBM: Where?

Juliet: At his house. He’s not far from where I work.

DBM: But he’s married, no?

Juliet: His wife left him. She took their children along.

DBM: So, he’s divorced?

Juliet: Not yet, but they’re no longer together.

DBM: Why?

Juliet: I don’t have much details about that. I visit him every day because he is bedridden, and I have been helping to take care of him.

DBM: That was part of your wedding vows to your husband?

Juliet: No!

DBM: Where is his own family of orientation?

Juliet: I don’t think he has told anyone what is going on with him. I know his mother is alive, and he has sisters and brothers.

DBM: Why are you taking care of him?

Juliet: He called me when he was on admission at the hospital. He said he had no one.

DBM: What made you empathize with him?

Juliet: I never stopped loving him. And I took a thoughtful approach to his very difficult situation. I want the best for him.

DBM: How old are his children?

Juliet: 10 and 7

DBM: What do you do when you go to his house?

Juliet: I have hired a house-help who makes sure he has home-cooked meals and clean clothes. When I go there, we try to talk. I help him to sometimes get dressed. I help him to eat too when his tremors are at its worst. I go there to assure him there is plenty of love around him.

DBM: Does he love you?

Juliet: I don’t want to know. I just want to be sure he is getting better.

DBM: For how long have you been doing this?

Juliet: Since July, this year.

DBM: Does your husband know about your afternoon shifts?

Juliet: No! He will not believe there is nothing going on between us.

DBM: Will something ever happen between the two of you?

Juliet: I am not looking forward to anything happening between us. That chapter was closed many years ago. I am not going back to rewrite our story. It ended, though I still have feelings for him.

DBM: Is it easy to love someone and not be with them?

Juliet: David, that is why I am saying Sylvester may be a good guy, at least, from your conversation with him yesterday; however, good, may sometimes not be good enough to hold on to. I feel the energy of love between me and my ex when I come to check on him. A relationship on the other hand is something I will not make happen between us ever again.

DBM: Why not?

Juliet: I have consciously chosen the man I want to be in a relationship with, and that’s my husband.

DBM: Interesting!

Juliet: My ex-boyfriend is not the only man I have felt strongly for: I have developed love for my boss, my Bishop at church, a former mate from the university and a close friend’s husband. It’s not lust I am referring to; I fell in love with these men, and I know they had feelings for me too but I wouldn’t execute it. I remember I was sitting across the table from my Bishop/pastor in his office, crying to him about all the reasons why I believed I was in love with him. Guess what he told me?

DBM: What?

Juliet: I am always on his mind too. The things these men have done for me individually, that my husband has no clue of, but again, because I want to be a good wife to my husband, I don’t allow my feelings to direct my path.

DBM: Love is not enough, I guess?

Juliet: As a married woman or man, you can never be the right person for another man or woman who is in love with you. It just doesn’t make sense to be inserting another person into every aspect of your life, knowing that spot is already taken by a spousal figure you’re supposed to be accountable to.

DBM: You make a good point.

Juliet: I care about my husband, that’s why hurting his feelings with an affair would definitely still hurt me.

DBM: Most married men believe they can go out there to get what they want

Juliet: For us women, we don’t have to even go out there, because what we want come to us. My boss at work is full of fireworks; he is kind, great guy, handsome, very funny and considerate. He is rich, and my husband doesn’t stand a chance. He told me point blank that he’s happily married, but still wants to be in a romantic relationship with me. He gave me one year to consider his proposal. I said no, and we’re still great friends.

DBM: So, you do not think Sylvester is doing right by any of the women?

Juliet: Liars are cheats; Sylvester is cheating on all of them because he knows he can get away with it, and, perhaps more importantly, because he is willing to let himself get away with it.

DBM: Why will you not cheat on your husband, looking at the history you’ve given me about yourself?

Juliet: Simple, I keep my husband in mind wherever I find myself. Though I acknowledge to whoever else I develop love for, and let them know how much I care about them, I consider my husband’s feelings in all my decisions. And I make sure my feelings towards other men doesn’t go beyond feelings. I return home to the imperfect human being I married.

Image Credit: Jasmine Carter

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 2

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Mr. Ofori, thank you for agreeing to a second interview.

Ofori: My pleasure. I read some of the comment on Facebook. People want to hear more.

DBM: Yes please

Ofori: I’m ready

DBM: This question is from Anane Wisdom to your wife: Why did she marry a jobless former prison inmate? What did she see in you that no one else did? How did her family take her decision to marry you? And, how was the marriage ceremony?

Ofori: I need to ask my wife. I will type her response

DBM: Okay!

(15 minutes later)

Ofori: Ama had a fiancé the time they came for the prison outreach. After our encounter, she couldn’t stop herself from forgetting about me. She did not get back to me for a long time because she was in a relationship with George. Things ended between them after he got another woman pregnant. She says, though George was her taste, he was totally wrong for her. She considered dating me because she believed I fit into the normalcy of her life. She decided we would be friends, and a relationship was built from there. She married me because we had become good friends. She says I became her responsibility, and she had trust in me. We also found common ground during misunderstandings, and had come out with a deeper understanding of issues; we were empathetic towards each another, and had respect for our point of views. We were comfortable with each other because I was living in her house. I also realized I could be content with just Ama. And, because she was in love with me, and I in her, she wanted nothing more than to marry me. Her family were not in favor of her decision, but she was convinced I was hers to keep. We had a very simple wedding, and it was sponsored by my wife and her close friends.

DBM: From Benjamin Riverston: Where was your mother when you got released from prison? Was your mother checking up on you while in prison? What was the relationship between your father and mother while in prison? And, did your father ever forgive you?

Ofori: In our house, my father dominated their marriage. My mother didn’t have a say; she had to do everything my father wanted done. I did not see them making decisions together, she could not strike a balance even with how to raise us kids. My father didn’t want anything to do with me, and so my mother kept her physical distance in order not to upset my father. But she would send food and greetings through my wife to me in prison. Ama became friends with my mother in the process. I will describe the relationship between my parents as toxic. He abused my mother physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. My father did not forgive me till he died.

DBM: Kwadwo Twum wants to know the role your wife played in making you who you became after your release? And, how did society define you? How were you able to fit into society, and even find work?

Ofori: I craved for support during my encounter with Ama on their outreach program. When we became friends, and was visiting me in prison, I kept reminding her I would need help to make it out there after my release. Ama was that singular someone in my life who cared about me unconditionally, and was by my side, no matter what could go wrong. I had the ability to understand numbers and how they could influence a company; I had an eye for detail, and loved math. She knew I wanted the opportunity to go back to school, and she believed in my mind. She took bank loans to fund my education. I have two Masters degrees and was working in Finance prior to my retirement. I paid back all the monies she spent on me after I was gainfully employed. My wife ensured all my needs were met. She allowed me to make decisions concerning my life and interests, and she supported me through and through without a shadow of doubt. She believed I was capable of meeting my goals, and was my number one fan – always encouraging me to go after my dreams. I became the best version of myself.

My entire society was built around my wife. It was a conscious choice I made, and she built my confidence in believing in myself. Her presence in my life made me believe everything was going to work out, one way or the other. We also planned as early as possible for what I could do in order to have a successful life after prison.

DBM: From Fafah Gloria: How was your relationship with your parents after prison? And, do you have siblings? What was their reaction towards you?

Ofori: I only had a relationship with my mother, that was even after my father died years later. I have four other siblings from my mother’s side and three younger ones my dad had with other women. My siblings eventually came along.

DBM: Miriam Ronke would want to know whether or not you would advise any child to stand up for his or her abused parent?

Ofori: Unfortunately for me, beating up dad didn’t stop him from abusing my mother. And I ended up in prison. If you’re a witness to a parent being abused, find the nearest police station or domestic abuse service to report the abuser. Usually, abusers don’t listen to talks, so don’t try reasoning with them. Don’t ignore the issue thinking it’s up to your parents to figure out. Help them figure it out by getting the abuser arrested. It gives the victim room to decide what’s good for them.

DBM: Gyene W’ani wants to know whether or not Ama uses your past against you when there is a disagreement?

Ofori: Never. Trust is the foundation of our relationship, and she’s never had to protect herself from me because of my past record. She’s not the type who would use guilt as a weapon to control me; she’s not insensitive nor judgmental. Unlike my dad, Ama knows I’ve made mistakes and made amends the best way possible. I’ve been moving in the right direction since and I’d say, we’re happy together. She’s looked beyond the prison inmate.

DBM: The last question comes from me; you mentioned looking beyond the temptation to cheat on your wife in our first interview. How were you able to easily do that?

Ofori: It wasn’t an easy decision, Dave. I know the kind of life my father lived, and how his actions gravely affected my mother’s psychological wellbeing. My goal was to not satisfy several women with my affection and desires and expectations. My wife deserved my best, and so I chose Ama, to rather discover wholly and intentionally with my desire to satisfy all of her needs till death do us part. It’s a decision to choose to desire your wife over others, and I always chose Ama. She’s enough!

DBM: Thank you, Sir.

Ofori: You’re welcome. Hopefully, we covered all the questions?

DBM: Yes please, we have.

Image Credit: Kindel Media

Let’s Talk To Ofori: Part 1

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 10 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)

Participant 23: I’m Ofori

DBM: Hi Ofori. Please tell me a little about yourself.

Ofori: 70 years young. I have had my share of the ups and downs and I believe that is what has made me the man I am today. They say I have a good sense of humor and very opinionated; I get out of bed early because my knees have started to hurt and everything aches lately.

DBM:  Why is a 70-year-old man on Facebook?

Ofori: I have been monitoring my children. I read from a few platforms to also see what’s happening. My daughter indirectly introduced your account to me. She comments a lot under your posts, and it was showing in my newsfeed. I think I’ve followed you for three years.

DBM: Nice meeting you, Sir. What do you want to talk about?

Ofori: I want to talk about my journey as a man.

DBM: Oh, nice! I am interested.

Ofori: I was in prison when I was 22 years old. I got released at age 32. I married at age 33.

DBM: Why were you in prison?

Ofori: I beat my father for beating my mum. He collapsed in the process because I hit his head with a sharp object. I was arrested and the rest is history.

DBM: How was life in prison?

Ofori: Imagine a boarding school built not to educate but frustrate and punish you. Every given moment of your day is scheduled and tightly controlled. You do not have the luxury to make a plan; lights go on and off per someone’s instruction; you do not have a choice to eat what you want; you force yourself to eat what you are given else you will go hungry. At night, there is the cessation of all movement and activities. You breathe the same stinking air and smell; it becomes your new normal. Life in prison is not a life any young man should experience. Being completely removed from society is not pleasant. We think Ghana is tough? Prison is hell. If you’ve not been caught in certain mistakes yet, find yourself a bit of help so you can get on the right path. It’s never too late.

DBM: How was the feeling after being released?

Ofori: The process was daunting and traumatic; so much anxiety and adjustments. A lot of catching up to be done, while dealing with mental health issues. I was practically stuck and didn’t know how to function in the society.

DBM: You married a year after your release. Tell me about that.

Ofori: I met my wife after I had served my first five years in prison. Her church had organized an event at our station, and they came to screen us. She was part of the health team that attended to me. While they took our samples and examined us, they asked what brought us to prison. I shared my story and she developed an interest in my case.

DBM: What was your first impression of her?

Ofori: I thought she was alright.

DBM: Your taste?

Ofori: It didn’t really matter to me because I knew she wasn’t going to fall for an inmate.

DBM: But was she your taste?

Ofori: She wasn’t. She came back 13 months later to visit me.

DBM: You remembered her?

Ofori: I did. She was the only one in the health team who looked me in the eyes and smiled at me during their outreach. I took a picture of her smiling – with my mind, and I looked at her every now and then.

DBM: Did she have the same smile when you saw her again?

Ofori: Even better. I told her I had been thinking about her.

DBM: Had you?

Ofori: You’re not listening. I just told you I look at her picture with my mind. Of course, I had been thinking about her. She told me she used to think about me too.

DBM: How did that make you feel?

Ofori: It was at that point that I realized she was my taste.

DBM: How so?

Ofori: My wife demonstrated mercy and grace amidst my hardship. Days after our second meet, I developed feelings for her because she’s a woman of impeccable character and stanch integrity. She was compassionate to my needs. 37 years in marriage, and she’s still the same towards me. I seriously cannot put a measure to my wife’s worth.

DBM: Why did you marry her?

Ofori: When I suggested marriage to her, I wasn’t working. I did not have money to even feed myself. I didn’t have a place to lay my head because my father didn’t want me around. My wife took me in. It was a risky decision she took, but she did anyways. She can be very stubborn; I have to admit. I felt so alone when I came out of prison. Marrying my wife eliminated loneliness for me.

DBM: How old is your wife?

Ofori: She’s two years older than me.

DBM: 72

Ofori: Yes!

DBM: How has marriage been like for you thus far?

Ofori: Nothing I could have ever dreamt of. It’s been beautiful, as well as hard. But we’ve moved through the tests of life together.

DBM: How many children?

Ofori: Four wonderful humans.

DBM: How important is sex in your marriage?

Ofori: As a young couple, we had a lot of sex while we could. Before and after the births of our children. Our emotional connection is still intact due to memories from the good old days.

DBM: Can I ask a personal question?

Ofori: I am already answering personal questions. Shoot!

DBM: Have you cheated on your wife before?

Ofori: The thought had occurred to me a couple of times from all directions, but I did not pursue the temptation. The bond I have with my wife is deep and that has been my support to stay true to my vows. I was not in a hurry to get where I was going with my wife in our marital journey. Most of the parties in marriages today are in such a hurry to reach a certain cloud, they have no sense of slowing down to appreciate, and be content with the little steps they take.

DBM: How have you been able to stay married this long?

Ofori: Oh, I have been reminding myself why my wife looks pretty to me. Whenever I hear her voice, I remind myself why I am still in love with her, especially during disagreements and fights. I look at the changes in her body that I don’t like so much, and rather zoom in, and sharpen the focus of my attention to the charming details about her that I used to see as amazing. I always remember why she’s my favorite woman, and I choose to be with her every day.

Image Credit: Kindel Media 

POINT OF CONTACT

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 16 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 16: Timo.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

TIMO: I am 49 years old, a husband and a father. My approach to life and my marriage is that, whatever I do affects people’s feelings, and so I try to act accordingly. I do not skulk around to always do the right thing; what I am saying is, every decision I make now is strictly based on the fact that, the people around me also have feelings, and just as I think my needs matter, people and their needs are equally important.

DBM: How long have you been married?

TIMO: 16 years.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

TIMO: I wasn’t looking for much: I wanted a woman who loved and respected herself and others, had a good grasp of common sense, and could deserve my trust. I wanted a woman who could trust me to discuss anything with me. My mother is my role model in a sense, because she has her own life, interests and friends. I am attracted to such independent ladies who can do well all by themselves. My wife fit into all that.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

TIMO: My wife was a single parent when we met. I had been invited to her son’s school to give a talk. Her son asked very intelligent questions and follow-up questions, I took a special interest in him. The reason why I wanted to mentor him was because I could see myself in him. After the seminar, this nine-year old kid tugged at my sleeve impatiently, smiling, “Excuse me Uncle Timothy, can I say something?” he said, “I think you will like my mother, she’s just like you.”. Oh, during my presentation at the seminar, I think I said something about me being single, etc. He gave me his mother’s phone number and asked me for mine. I gave him my card. I called his mother the moment I sat in my car to discuss her intelligent son.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

TIMO: My wife is my best friend, and this friendship has been built in a matter of time and practice. We practice how to like each other intentionally, everyday; making each other laugh, being goofy sometimes, enjoying each other’s company and making what we have a priority.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

TIMO: Yesterday evening. I was farting under the sheet so bad; she went to boil eggs to eat. I had to move out of the bedroom to breathe again in the hall.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

TIMO: I went to pick my son (her child) from school one time because she had meetings running late, and he mentioned to me in the car their prayer topic the night before. It was about me! Mother and son both realized how much they liked me and had to pray about it. Caleb told me about how his mother was emotional and crying while praying about me and what I meant to them. When he asked me if I could be his father, I stopped the car. His request touched me to the core because his biological father lives. It was at that point that I knew I needed to guide him to become the best any young boy could become: empathetic, compassionate and being contented with his vulnerability. He was the point of contact to my true feelings for his mother.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

TIMO: My wife is the best and most attractive version of herself. She put effort into her wardrobe and wears clothing that makes her feel good and sexy. Inside and out, she’s the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

TIMO: I listen with the intention of understanding her. I always put in the time to find out why what she’s talking about is important to her. She does same with me; she makes me feel like she gets me as a person, on a much deeper level.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

TIMO: She’s doing excellently well as my wife and mother to the children. I am happy so far.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

TIMO: I take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

TIMO: Being lovers and parents is the most fun had. As lovers, we explore by going outside our comfort zone; we push the boundaries, take risks, and plan fun sexual activities together. We date each other again every month without the children. We do movies, dinner, walk on the beach holding hands, things like that. The most fun for me is when my wife makes all my decisions for me on the day of my birth. My wife was born on a Thursday; so, every Thursday, for the past 16 years, I have been the one choosing her wardrobe for work, the food to eat, which side of the bed to sleep, the type of sex I want, what she has to do to please me, etc. And, we have fun with it. She’s always excited when it’s a Sunday, because she takes her turn on me.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

TIMO: I have never loved anyone as much as I love my wife. She’s my dream come true.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

TIMO: I trust my wife with all of my heart.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

TIMO: My first priority is my wife. I make time for her all the time.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

TIMO: Yes! I am emotionally catered for, and she makes me feel good.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

TIMO: Very secure in my marriage.

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

TIMO: Still doing each other and not getting tired of it.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

TIMO: Touching, kissing, and more of oral sex. We prolong our foreplay because it improves our sexual experience. With my wife, I do not need an erection to please her; clitoral stimulation gives her the best orgasm, so I focus on that more. I have my turn when she’s happily breathing and smiling beside me. We talk during the day about our sexual fantasies and it makes sex more exciting when we’re together having it.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

TIMO: 7/10.

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

TIMO: I feel most loved when my wife hugs me randomly, kisses me out of the blue, smiles at me for no reason; explicitly offers gratitude for the little things I do for the house and for her. Whenever she praises me, I feel I am loved; and when she dresses or acts seductively to sexually connect with me.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

TIMO: I am loved well, yes!

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

TIMO: I am a good husband.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

TIMO: No! But I have been tempted to a few times. I couldn’t pursue it because it’s not worth hurting my wife over.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

TIMO: My dear wife, thank you for making me feel brand new. Thank you for liking me; thank you for respecting me; thank you for finding me attractive. You have accepted and prized me for all that I am. I will continue to treat you the way YOU want to be treated.

Image Credit: Anete Lusina

CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 3 Comments

I used to think my wife was the most difficult person on earth to love. I thought this way because the first time I saw her, she was screaming at her staff. I knew a friend who worked for her and he had categorically told me she was a bitch; unkind, annoying and controlling. From the first day I met her, I could tell she wasn’t anybody’s favorite at the office. I was at her office because my friend had informed me about her relationship status; she was single. And Dave, I was quite a catch back in the day, ‘ladies’ man’ and all… Lol! So, the plan was for me to come in a professional capacity (I am an architect) to discuss a potential business partnership, go the extra mile to become friendly, win her heart, use and then, dump her.

My friend and his three other colleagues at the office had it all planned for me. They had an office project to execute and they were going to propose the name of my company to her for consideration for the job. My office got a call to meet with their team for further discussions. My wife once told me that, the first time we met at her office, she thought I was so handsome, and the way I looked and smiled at her, she thought she would lose herself in me. That was my wife’s observations about me. When our eyes first met, Dave, you wouldn’t believe this but my heart pounded; yes, Mr. Playboy’s heart felt like it would burst.

I wasn’t thinking about the plan with the boys; I wasn’t thinking about the potential business partnership, which made my business a lot of money; I wasn’t thinking about how rude she was to her staff; I was swept off my meet when I had the opportunity to sit across her table in her office. I was never a believer of ‘Love at first sight’ but I fell in love with her in her office. There was a connection of a sort when our eyes met. I can’t explain it but it was what it was.

We talked business and wrapped things off. I asked for her number and she gave it. When I got back to my office, I called my friend to lie about what had transpired. They believed we were still on course. Two dates later, I was convinced I had made the right decision. My friend found himself another job two years later, and I married my wife a year after my friend had left her company.

I think what made my wife lovable was because I CHOSE to LOVE her. It had absolutely nothing to do with who she was (according to other people’s experiences with her at the office – which obviously wasn’t great) but my capacity to want to know her for myself and like her according to my own understanding of her as a person. My wife is a great woman, very hard working and it didn’t feel right to plot with my friend to hurt her. I was willing to choose love instead of giving in to someone else’s hatred and anger.

We’ve been married for 12 years, and my unconditional love has come from a place of decision. It’s not been all rosy; she’s gotten under my skin and nerves many times. There was a time she wanted a divorce because she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I love her, and I was going to love her even if she didn’t love me back, and there was nothing she could do about it. She naaa found her love back for me. I chose to like her; I chose to forgive her on behalf of my friend and his colleagues; I chose to be nice to her; I chose to do right by her; I chose to respect her; I chose to be her friend. I was a total foolish package myself in the day, and I learned how to cut myself some slack. I had to nurture the good within in order to find the good in her, and trust me, there is so much good in my wife.

At this moment, there is no looking back, no second thoughts, and no regrets.

Image Credit: Polina Tankilevitch

IT WORKS FOR ME

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog. 5 Comments

David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name you fancy)

Participant 11: Address me as Ruth.

DBM: Tell me anything about yourself

RUTH: I am fun to be around and I am fearless; I have never been afraid to stand out. I am strong, very bold and confident; I am a woman with high expectations, self-reliant and I speak my mind a lot.

DBM: How long have you been married?

RUTH: I have been married to my husband for eight to nine years. But I have been in a relationship with Joel for 12 years. Joel is the love of my life, though not my husband.

DBM: What was your perfect ‘type’ of a man or woman? Did your husband or wife fit into your exact specifications?

RUTH: My perfect type of man is Joel; he is very supportive and can almost handle me on his own. He is secure and allows me to be myself in all situations. Joel is smart, has good intentions towards people; an excellent communicator, very friendly, has a good sense of humor; he is a gentleman and is always motivating me to become the best of me. I find Joel to be ‘the one’ because his world does not revolve around me; he is ambitious and is always pursuing towards his own passion.

DBM: So, how did you two meet?

RUTH: I needed to take a professional picture for a project. A friend recommended her friend but when I called the photographer’s number, his brother answered the call. Joel told me his brother had traveled. I needed to take the picture asap, and so I pleaded with Joel. He told me he could manage to take a shot, though he wasn’t sure it was going to be anything better. I agreed and we met. For my husband, we met at the airport. We were both on the same flight to Ghana, from Heathrow Airport.

DBM: Do you consider your significant other as your best friend?

RUTH: I consider my husband a friend; Joel is my best friend.

DBM: When did you make him or her laugh the most? What happened?

RUTH: Joel is the type you would call an Alpha male but anytime he sets his eyes on me, he starts to laugh. He says when he thinks about me, a smile draws on his face. For my husband, he laughs his best when he is chasing me around the house. When he needs something from me, and I refuse to give it, he chases me and would be throwing pillows at me and laughing like crazy.

DBM: At what point were you certain he or she was the one for you?

RUTH: I did not marry Joel because he cannot have children. I wanted kids and so we talked about it, and he agreed I had one with someone else. I did not want to have kids outside marriage, and so I found the guy who could understand that my heart belonged to Joel. My husband was willing to share and respect my decision. That was when I knew he was the one to marry and parent with. I knew Joel was the one for me when he gave me permission to be with someone else.

DBM: Do you still find your husband or wife physically attractive?

RUTH: My husband is very sexy. Joel is an attractive hunk. Both men are not afraid to show their emotions; they are not afraid to cry, and they’re both real with me. But there is something about Joel that’s not ordinary. No matter how I try to explain it, I cannot seem to get him off my mind.

DBM: In a deeper conversation with your spouse, do you listen just to completely understand or you listen simply to formulate your response?

RUTH: I listen to understand all that Joel tries to bring to my attention. For my husband, I am not sure but we talk about issues as and when.

DBM: How is your significant other faring in the position as a husband or wife?

RUTH: My husband is doing his best in the office of a husband and father to our children. I will score him 7/10.

DBM: Which of your wedding vows means the world to you?

RUTH: My love for you should be able to withstand your flaws, all of your imperfections and shortcomings. I love you because I value the good in you.

DBM: What is the most fun you both have had in the relationship?

RUTH: Sex is the most fun I have when I am with Joel or my husband. We explore a lot by seeking to understand our sexual preferences. Both men know what I really like, and I know what excites them also. Joel loves to watch me self-explore in his presence till I achieve sexual pleasure, before touching me. He wants me to know my body and get comfortable with being naked. We laugh a lot whenever I discover a new gratifying spot on my body.

DBM: Is the love for your husband or wife growing any stronger by the day?

RUTH: I love my husband. The only problem is every now and then, I question whether or not he is serious about me, knowing very well they are two men in my life.

DBM: Do you trust your husband or wife?

RUTH: I do not trust my husband. I do not trust Joel. I do not trust myself.

DBM: How much time do you spend on your husband or wife?

RUTH: As much time as possible when it’s his turn. I have a timetable for both men and I give my 100% to each person when it’s their turn.

DBM: Emotionally, do you feel connected than before?

RUTH: Yes! Both guys are emotionally available to me and mature about it.

DBM: Do you feel secure in the marriage?

RUTH: Somewhat!

DBM: Where do you see you and your spouse in the next 10 years?

RUTH: Hopefully, married and peacefully scheduling between him and Joel.

DBM: What is your ideal sex life?

RUTH: The most important relationship in my life is the affair I have with myself. When I stand in front of the mirror and focus on my voluptuous hips, full breasts and shaved vagina; when I look in the side of the mirror and catch my husband or Joel feasting their hungry eyes on me, licking their lips while I slowly dance and masturbate to please myself… throwing my hands about, etc.

DBM: Rate your current sex life (out of 10)

RUTH: Hubby: 7.5/10. Joel: 10.5/10

DBM: What is your understanding of love?

RUTH: Love means knowing my worth and not settling for anything lesser than I deserve; love is taking charge of my own happiness and not blaming anyone for my own mistakes; love is knowing what you want and not compromising just for anything; love is being at peace with every decision you make and trusting that you made it for your own good. Love is sharing.

DBM: Are you feeling loved in your marriage?

RUTH: Yes!

DBM: Are you a good spouse?

RUTH: I am a good wife to my husband. I am a good girlfriend to Joel.

DBM: Have you cheated on your husband or wife with another man or woman?

RUTH: No! They both agreed to being the men in my life.

DBM: Say something to your spouse from your heart:

RUTH: Dear husband, THANK YOU very much! Joel, you support my endeavors and you call to check on me all the time. You tell me you love me every day; you show respect to me and my husband; you buy things for me, my husband and the children. THANK YOU very much!

Image Credit: Annushka Ahuja

UNDENIABLY SEXY AND MYSTERIOUS

Written by David B on . Posted in Blog.

Mr. Dave, hi!

What I do for a living looks like prostitution but I am a lady with an MSc. in Accounting and Finance. I love sex, yes, but I have big dreams too. Most of my clients are married men. I want to focus on other things; marriage is not part of my expectations. Dave, I am happy and satisfied with what I do and I don’t want to change what’s working for me by complicating things with marriage and children.

I am sending you this message because one of my clients wants to marry me. He knows my mother and has gone to tell her about his plans for me. He knows I give sex for money. He was married when he became a client but is divorced now. After his first booking, he wanted more of me, and so he booked me for himself for six months and paid. I got pregnant and aborted. I didn’t tell him about it. Six months is over and he wants to book another six months service. Old clients want to book my services.

Dave, If I am to calculate what I make from individual bookings in a day, I make more than the six months he pays for. Because he is someone I know and like, I don’t over charge. He can’t afford me. He doesn’t understand why I have a good job yet sleep with men. He doesn’t understand that it’s not about the money. It’s the fact that I love sex; variety of sex is what I like, not money. I love to smell different men, etc. I don’t want to marry because I don’t fancy the idea of being tied down to someone. Wedding dress, food, liquor, venue rings all these are frivolous to me; it’s cost.

Also, it’s married men patronizing my services; not only me, married men patronize the services of my friends in similar business. I can’t buy into it. My best friend’s husband got the number of my service and booked for three hours. We met and we were both surprised. Sex happened and he wants more. That is why I am writing to you, dear David. It’s complicated. He says my friend neglects his needs, and that she is more focused on the children, and she’s always tired when she comes to bed. He says there is no fun in their sex life. The sex he wants at home he doesn’t get. He says with me and other women, he’s able to express himself in whatever way he is unable to do at home with his wife. He says she doesn’t give him attention so he’s always seeking for it at work and social media.

I know my friend is not boring but he says she is. Now he’s saying he connects more with me than his wife. Dave, we just met and hit it once but he is saying there is something undeniably sexy about the mystery of me. In all honestly, I love his energy in bed. I am only worried about my friend. Should I tell her what her husband says is happening in their marriage or strictly treat this new encounter as another business? I want to do the right thing.

Image Credit: Maddy Freddie

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