Let’s Talk To Xaiden
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 187: Xaiden
DBM: Hello Xaiden. How would you describe yourself?
Xaiden: Husband and dad
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Xaiden: 4
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Xaiden: I am in love with my wife but I feel my wife only loves the fact that I love her. I seriously think my wife only loves my love for her but not me. Am I making sense to you? The woman is not in love with me as a person. She just likes how my love for her makes her feel.
DBM: How does your love make her feel?
Xaiden: How do I even explain this: I treat my wife better than my mother, children, siblings, friends, other women. My wife is my first priority. She knows I factor her in every decision I make. I tell her every day, how much I think of her. I check on my wife everyday when I am not home; I anticipate her every need. I do not talk down at her; I notice her dressing and compliment her beauty. She knows she’s secure with me. I keep her safe and comfortable.
DBM: You sound like a responsible man. Her heart seems to be in good hands
Xaiden: That is what I am trying to say, she knows all this and likes it but she is not interested in me as a person.
DBM: Who fell in love first in your relationship?
Xaiden: I did. I committed faster than she did
DBM: So, she did commit to you at a point?
Xaiden: I don’t know. Meanwhile, in the past when I wasn’t so serious about relationships and girls, they chased me and would go all crazy about me. Now that I have chosen to invest my heart and energy in my marriage and relationship, she’s rather losing interest.
DBM: Has she verbalized her loss of interest in you?
Xaiden: No, but I feel it
DBM: Okay! Your feelings are valid. You know her best
Xaiden: I do
DBM: How long have you been married?
Xaiden: 10 years
DBM: Do you at least, see any hope for your future together?
Xaiden: She might tag along for our children’s sake and the comfortable living I’m providing for the family. But she will not love me back.
DBM: Because …
Xaiden: I’m probably not the type she goes for.
DBM: How does this make you feel?
Xaiden: I’m pained bruh!
DBM: I’m very sorry about that
Xaiden: Hmmm!
DBM: What’s your attitude towards everything that’s going on?
Xaiden: I’ve been toying with a couple of ideas from my friends. I am considering going back to the dating pool.
DBM: As a single or married man?
Xaiden: Lol!
DBM: I believe your friends care about you, and their advice, no doubt, is well-intended but I think it’s a bit misguided.
Xaiden: Hmmm!
DBM: Will it make you stop yourself from still loving your wife?
Xaiden: I don’t know
DBM: I’d want to believe you are a good man, and I respect men like you. It’s a bittersweet experience to love and not be loved back but it is also an expression of your humanity as a whole. It’s a good thing to love your partner, so embrace it. Unreturned, though it may be, it needs not upset or hurt your feelings.
Xaiden: Easier said than done!
DBM: Not really! You cannot help but love your wife, and that’s also okay.
Xaiden: I feel like I am just wasting my time being with her.
DBM: Has she wronged you or the marriage, aside these observations?
Xaiden: No!
DBM: Almost six years of committing to and loving one person has thought me that, we cannot always make sense out of love. Love will not always be rational to us, thus, my reason for not expecting it to make sense to me all the time. In-as-much-as it will not always be the best of choice to make, it will be something we do because it does not just happen to us. Your wife may not be that much into you, but your love and respect for her, reveals in you, the man that you are.
Xaiden: She’s often tired when we make plans to have sex. Sex isn’t that frequent between us
DBM: Put the ball in her court for choosing the days she’d be less stressed to make time for you in the bedroom. If she cares about your needs as much as you say you do for her, she will make time.
Xaiden: My love language is physical touch. It’s not always about the sex. I feel loved when I am randomly hugging or touching or kissing. She’s not so open to that with me but she’s cool with her friends hugging and touching and giving pecks in the open.
DBM: Again, let her decide her level of intimacy when it comes to you. For now, back off a bit with your pressure. She knows who are. Continue being open and relaxed. She might, in time, start craving for your attention and willingly would mirror how your love makes her feel.
Xaiden: Another observation is that, she only pretends she loves me when she needs something. She acts lovey-dovey and would initiate sex when it’s convenient and never when I want her to.
DBM: I’m glad you’ve taken notice of all these hints. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to hurt the feelings of those who have been good to us, with the truth. And so, we’d rather avoid the awkwardness of an actual conversation. Do not force someone who does not love you to love you.
Xaiden: Thank you, boss
DBM: Participant 186, Ame, left a question for you: ‘Why is the divorce rate so alarming lately and are we too “woke” as a generation to curb this menace?’
Xaiden: I think it’s because both men and women now have increased options. I got married because I felt I was supposed to, as man, but I am realizing I would have been way happier in a regular partnership, or relationship, and not necessarily in a marriage. I will be open to a divorce if my wife wants to.
DBM: It’s your turn to leave a question behind for the next participant.
Xaiden: x2x +19=16x
DBM: Thank you!
Image Credit: Calvin Cowakces
