Let’s Talk to Whitney and Idris
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Thank you for participating. What name would you want to go by? (It can be your real first name or any other name of your choosing)
Participant 88i: My name is Whitney. Dave, I am doing this interview with my husband. He will also respond to all of your questions.
Participant 88ii: Idris
DBM: Hello Whitney and Idris. How would you describe yourselves?
Whitney: I smile a lot and I am comfortable, pleasant and easy to live or be with. In the context of a wife, I make the life of my husband easy and comfortable. I am a mother
Idris: I am aware of my habits and general personality. I am sure of my actions, without any excuses.
DBM: How happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Whitney: 5
Idris: Three
DBM: What do you want to talk about?
Whitney: My husband is always on his phone, and I have never been able to understand why. He feels bothered if I am to call or text to converse with him. Dave, I cannot get 10 minutes on phone with my husband. He doesn’t have 10 minutes off his schedule to chat or talk with me during the day. How is it possible that someone who is always using ‘busy working’ as his excuse, has time for other things on his phone?
Idris: Why I am less focused on my wife and marriage. I need my ‘me’ time. It’s simple: sometimes, the personal stuff is just personal.
DBM: Does his work involve him being on the phone all the time?
Whitney: No! He is an accountant
DBM: Sir, why is your wife not a priority to you?
Idris: She is important to me, she’s the mother of my children. I’m just tired of her constant need for my attention to make her feel happy. I am a bit exhausted doing that, to be frank; I’m tired of always being the one to compromise for her to feel loved. What about my own happiness?
DBM: How long have you been married?
Whitney: 8 years in August. We have two children.
DBM: Okay! Mrs. why do you think your husband married you?
Whitney: I don’t know. Maybe you can ask him. I am dying to know his answer to that question myself.
DBM: Noted, but to the best of your knowledge…
Whitney: I think he married me because he loved me, and wanted to be with me.
DBM: Sir?
Idris: I felt it was better being with her than staying single. I didn’t want to be alone. Also, having a wife was a cool and responsible decision to take.
DBM: Did you choose your wife because you love her?
Idris: I had grown fond of her
Whitney: Do you love me?
Idris: Yes
Whitney: Are you in love with me?
Idris: I can’t answer that question
Whitney: You can’t or you won’t?
Idris: I am not in love with you. That’s the truth. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t know why I married you to be honest. Maybe, because I felt you were infatuated by me and needed me to choose you. You showed me many times why you love me and I felt validated. You were too much into me, I got confused.
DBM: Are you miserable in your marriage?
Idris: I don’t think I am miserable. I have learned to cope with an unwilling situation. I am just not myself. I feel like I gave in to my wife’s desire to be loved by me
DBM: Meaning, you probably might have not chosen her if it were left to your discretion?
Idris: Yes!
Whitney: Am I not beautiful enough?
Idris: That is not what I am saying
Whitney: Am I not good in bed?
Idris: Do not take things out of context.
Whitney: Do I not bring a mind that is capable of supporting you to find practical solutions to our family’s problems and future plans?
Idris: You do. You are a smart woman. I have told you that before
Whitney: Do I not help our family in times you have no money to contribute to our wellbeing?
Idris: You do
Whitney: Do I not respect you as my husband?
Idris: You do
Whitney: I watch you take strange and mysterious phone calls when you leave the room, whispering into your phone. You delete your chat history before getting home and you want me to believe you are not hiding something from me? You are always texting someone. How would you feel if I was doing that to you?
DBM: Sir, why are you always on your phone?
Idris: My phone is the only moment I get to have with myself to reflect, and think, laugh and feel loved – without my wife around wanting my attention. Does marriage mean I cannot imbed myself in the man I used to be before meeting her?
Whitney: That is bullshit. Why are you sly then when on phone?
DBM: Wait, you don’t think your husband needs a break from you at a point in time to do what he also loves?
Whitney: Dave, my problem is, I don’t feel included in his life.
DBM: Sir, what do you do to please your wife, while pleasing yourself at the same time?
Idris: This fucking interview is a perfect example; I don’t know you from shid, but because she’s a fan and follower, she wants me to participate in this group chat with you so we talk about our personal issues. Knowing very well I don’t like involving people in my business.
DBM: You had the choice to not do this, no?
Idris: She would have taken offense.
Whitney: You will not agree to counseling. This is the best alternative
Idris: Our marriage has been one form of guilt tripping me emotionally into commitments after the other. There is practically no room in my own life to express my very authentic feelings about anything.
Whitney: Our goal was to get married, have children and live a happy life
Idris: Oh, no! Don’t get it twisted; those were your schedules, not mine. I am not happy in this your story. And I am still craving out time that could be entirely mine.
DBM: This question is to the both of you; when you assess your priorities and put focus into perspective, what about you do you think you value the most?
Idris: My peace of mind.
Whitney: My husband, our marriage and children.
DBM: What are your love languages?
Idris: My wife wants to hear how much I love her and want to be with her. I like what we have built in the past eight years, but it’s not serving me right. You miss the mark with me. I miss the mark with you. I don’t think we are compatible. Bossu, this interview unfortunately is not working for me. The longest chat I have had with my wife, I guess. Bye
Whitney: Dave
DBM: I’m still here
Whitney: I think I heard what I wanted to hear
DBM: A man who is excited about you is attuned to what you think and feel. Such men are not burdened at the thought of leaning in carefully to learn and understand all of the ways your genuine desires and concerns aren’t being met. I know you love him, but is he happy about making you happy? Is his life fulfilled and complete with you in the picture?
Whitney: I’ve got to go. Thank you!
DBM: You’re welcome! This life is a never-ending effort to always figure things out. You will figure what works best for you somehow.
Image Credit: Cottonbro Studio
